Scrooge

Writing again on this blog. According to some books I am reading this is great therapy for me dealing with the aftermath. I will go with it and try. I think at this point many have stopped reading the blog bc well, no new updates concerning mom. Just me rambling about how hard it is and who really wants to read all that. I start a grief support group Wednesday. Pop has been going to two different ones and I knew I needed to give it a try. Its called Motherless Daughters and is made up of adult women who lost their moms. Can you even imagine the amount of tissues used at this meeting? I know it may help and if nothing else I will be surrounded by other women who probably miss their moms as much as I do.

So with that little tiny update about how we are doing....one of the steps to try to get through the holidays is remember. Why this will make me feel better, I don't know. Instead I have found it did the opposite and made me think of everything I will miss this holiday season. I have turned into Scrooge. I have seen trees up in peoples windows and honestly it makes me sick. So here is what I will miss.....

- The discussion of Black Friday starting Nov. 1. Where will we go? What we will look for? And then we end up at Bread Company bc lines are too long and we say never again.
- Getting phone calls during Nov and Dec about what she will make for Christmas Open House. Coming over to the house and she would have new recipes covering the counter. Then open House rolls around and she would not have made any new recipes and just stuck to what she knew.
-Watching my Pop run to the basement day of Open House bc he claimed she turned into a Hyatt. It was the one day if you were hiding in a closet and she did not know you were here that she would cuss like crazy, the minute the doorbell rang she turned back into the women we all loved and adored. There...now you all know a big secret.
-Listening to her frantic phone calls about where she had hid gifts. She was always worried Pop would find out how much she bought and who she bought for. She was known to forget where she had hidden gifts and instead of really looking, she would just go buy more. Literally drove my Pop insane.
-She still put presents under the tree from Santa. Signed the gift tag and all.
-That she would always look forward to playing the dice game at Uncle Jimmy's and do her famous dance if she won money.
-How excited she would get every Christmas morning about drinking mimosa's. Pop would roll his eyes bc he knew it would just take one and she would be buzzed at 8 in the morning and sure enough that is what would happen.
-Every time we went shopping and I would point at something I liked. I got either two reactions...the deer in the headlight look meaning she already had bought it for me (she knew me too well) or I heard why do you go look over there for a bit meaning she was going to buy it and really thought I would have no idea.
-That she bought my cats Christmas presents. One from Grandma and one from Santa. Yes, she really did.
-the fact that she could look at each homemade ornament on her tree and tell you where I made it, what year I made it and probably even what outfit I had one while making it.
-She would get more excited than a 5 year old over Christmas lights.
-Her pumpkin pie
-She would ask all week long what I was wearing Christmas Day, I always had no idea. Santa would always have a gift under the tree that the moment I opened it, I would hear"You could wear that today"
-The night I would come over to help decorate the tree. We would play Christmas music and drive my Pop insane. She always complained he never put enough lights on the tree, he would disappear to his office the rest of the night.
-I pretty much knew if I was living in St. Louis to make no plans for any Saturday during the month of Nov or Dec bc we would shop all day.
-Her cheesy potatoes


Too many to write and tears have arrived.
As far as I am concerned, holidays are cancelled.

2 months

How can it already be two months????? When does it start to get easier??

So here I am again writing on this blog. Pop is going to weekly grief meetings and I am avoiding it all. I was doing better last month than now. Maybe its the fact the diet coke cans already have snowflakes on them or stores have Christmas crap all over the place. Halloween was hard enough without her. How in the hell do Pop and I handle Thanksgiving and Christmas?

I left my job. Maybe I was not ready to go back or maybe the fact I was dealing with patients from the cancer center every shift did it. I just could not face it another day. Some may say it was good to work now and get me out but I just could not take another patient from the cancer center.

I still have been spending most time with my cousins. Over the Halloween weekend I did go out with my dear Anne who made me laugh every chance she had. Anne also gave me the most beautiful gift, I was able to hear Moms voice. Anne kept a voicemail mom left her and I finally was ready to hear it. I listened twice before handing the phone back, I could have just laid down and put it on repeat all night.

I am still struggling with people in my life. Still those that feel I have changed too much and tired of my ongoing mood changes. Still those that feel I am not myself. I have sat back and tried to view their points but at same time wonder if they have done the same for me. Sad what times like this brings to light.

I miss her more each day and wonder when that time comes where it will become easier. I hope soon

I love you Mom

Mom's Birthday

Today would have been Mom's birthday. I had not planned to write anymore on the blog but it was a rough day and sleep is just not coming tonight. I was off today and had many telling me to go out and celebrate her. I just could not do it. Instead I found myself in bed with the blinds closed tight watching nothing but bad tv. Pop drove out to the cemetery. I have not been yet. I had thought I would go so many times by now but cant seem to make myself go.

Pop was better today which surprised me. He had a pretty rough time last week. I am so worried about him. He just looks so sad all the time. I have good days followed by a couple of bad ones. Yesterday and today were just bad days.

I am trying hard not to feel sorry for myself but I just miss her. I miss her so. I try hard to make myself get out of bed and get out. I am spending time with my cousins Kevin and David who have been there for me. They have been awesome.

It will a month and two weeks this Thursday. I don't know what else to write. I just miss my mom. I miss my best friend. I miss the one person who I could tell anything to. I miss the one person who was my biggest supporter. I miss the one person who could make me feel 10 times better by just a hug. I miss her voice. I miss our Saturdays spent together. I miss her so much.

If her birthday was this hard, I cant imagine what the holidays will be like. I wish I could fall asleep and wake to January.

I miss you Mom.

Going on a Month

This Thursday will be a month since mom passed. A month. At times it does seem it has been that long and then it seems it has been a day. I remember that night so well. I had just finished chatting online with a dear friend that always made me smile, went in her room to give her medicine. Walked in and knew right away she was going. I tried so hard not to cry as I held her hand and told her it was ok. I wanted her to hear my voice without tears. I don't know how long I sat there just holding her hand. I remember looking across the hall and staring at Pops door. I knew I somehow had to go open that door and tell him she was gone. Hardest thing I ever did.

Everyone keeps asking how we are doing. I never really know how to answer that. I usually smile softly and say we are making it. Truth is this house feels so empty. Its little things, its opening the fridge and not seeing it packed full bc Mom would buy everything. Last week my dear Tara had me in Disney World. I was very nervous to leave Pop. Tara felt it would do me good to get away and go to the happiest place on earth. I could not believe how much I missed my Pop while there. I must have called him 5 times a day. I found myself mostly spending my days alone and in the long run I think that was good. I went to Epcot, Magic Kingdom, and Hollywood Studios. Each time I would want to go back to the hotel and just sleep, I would feel a little push on my back. I knew it was Mom and I knew she was telling me to get out and have fun. I know if I would have been able to call her and tell her I was out alone I would hear her say I could never do that, I am so proud of you. I even had a sweet glass of wine at Epcot just for her. It was awful but she would have enjoyed it.

I go back to work tomorrow and while I know it will be good for me, I am dreading it. I am dreading having a patient from the cancer center come in for a scan. I don't know if I will be the same at work after this. Maybe in a way I will be better but maybe I will no longer be good at my job. I am not sure.

I really am not sure about anything anymore. I find myself wanting to spend most of my time with family. Pop and I spend time together like we never had before. My cousins David and Kevin have simply been wonderful.

I know Mom would want me to keep going and enjoy each day. I know she is right here with me but so hard not to hear her. So hard not to hug her. Pop is really struggling and I do worry about him with me going back to work. I really want to go back to working 12 hour nights but worry about what that will do to him. I would be gone evenings and sleep days. Not sure if that would be good for him. At the same time I can hear mom telling me to do it and do what I want. Not to sound selfish but I miss having my own place. No way I could leave Pop though. Maybe after first of the year I can decide.

Holidays are fast approaching. How will Pop and I celebrate this year?

I had thought I was done writing. Maybe just not yet. Maybe because I really don't like to talk about my feelings yet. Pop is attending grief meetings every Monday, I am just not ready to do that.

I miss her everyday. Well here goes the waterworks, time to stop for now.
I love you Mom

Dear Cancer

Dear Cancer,

My Mom always told me if I had something very important to say and could not find the best time to tell the person, a letter was always best. I could write out everything I would want to say. Well cancer I have a lot to say to you. Mom also always told me to never say I hate someone or something, instead say I dislike. I think though this is one case where Mom will let me slide. I hate you cancer, I truly hate you.

You crept into our lives unexpectedly and so quickly. I never thought it would happen to Mom. I still don't understand. How could you find a way into her lungs, a woman who never smoked, a woman who did everything right?

I could go on and on in this letter about how much I hate you. I could keep asking why. I am not going to do that though. Instead I am just going to let you know, you may have taken her but you will not take my spirit, my love for life. You have taken my Mom from me and for that I truly hate you. But you will not take me. Mom would not want that. So while I really just want to lay in bed with covers over my head and cry, I am not going to do so. You will not take my laughter, my smile, my love for life. I am going to get up each day and smile bigger, laugh harder, live more, and think of Mom every single day.

You will lose this fight one day, you have affected far too many lives. We will find a way to beat you one day cancer.

What Now?

Alone for the very first time in this house since it all happened. We have had a houseful for weeks and I cant remember the last time when it just was Mom, Pop, and I here. Now Mom is gone and Pop is driving Aunt Thelma, Uncle Fred, and Kathy Lynn to the airport.

I cant begin to write about all my emotions. The last two days were just exhausting and overwhelming. I wanted to run out the door at the visitation for Mom. I had some wonderful rocks beside my side though. Certain cousins and dear friends are very good at reading my expressions and knew when to come over and take me out for air. I think I said Thank You and OK a million times that day. I admit I did not hear each person talking to me, the words went right over my head. I kept thinking Oh Mom, I need you here.

I arrived early that day. I just had to make sure she would look beautiful for my Pop. I wanted to make sure her lipstick was right and not too much makeup. I knew her hair would look good (thanks Ellen) and wanted to check her outfit. I was able to put her wedding ring on her finger. She looked beautiful and so at peace. Everyone kept telling me how great she looked.

Yesterday was hard. As I drove Kathy Lynn and I to the church, I began to feel sick. How could I be driving to my Mom's funeral? Pastor Ryan walked Pop and I down the isle, sat in the pew, and tears came rolling. Mom had talked to me about what she would like for her funeral. I followed each wish. Pastor Ryan was amazing and I had no doubt he would be. What a wonderful speaker he is. The fact that Ryan knows my family brings such comfort. He spoke from his heart about my Mom. My Pop asked three special people to read bible verses. Moms dear friend Dana, our sweet Anne, and my favorite Peach...Kathy Lynn. I made a few promises to Mom, one being I would speak. I walked up to the pulpit and froze. I remember turning back to Ryan for support. Big hug and a whisper of You can do it, I turned back around and read my speech. Everyone told me I had the whole church in tears, I just asked if they could actually understand the words. At one point in my speech I asked everyone to stand up and hug the person to their left and right because if my Mom was there she would be hugging each of them. I could not even look up to see that moving moment. I was shaking and felt like I would fall walking back down the steps. I said to Kathy, "I think I was shaking" Kathy just smiled and said "Oh honey, yes, your legs were going a mile a minute, your dress was shaking, honey even your hair was shaking but you did it" My Pop walked up to read a favorite poem he and Mom shared. I was so proud of him. It was a very long day.

Kathy Lynn and I went to Fraileys after it all. My Pops side of the family has a bit of a tradition. Fraileys is our spot after each family affair no matter what it is. Kathy Lynn just loves Pops nephews. She has told many times over the last couple days she feels better knowing I have them. When we left Fraileys I began to realize my days would no longer be full of visitors. I have been surrounded for weeks now. I am already not enjoying the quiet house.

So where do I go with this blog. I have grown so attached to it. Each day I would either write or read it. It gave me a way to vent, a way to thank, and a way to keep everyone informed. Do I continue to write about struggles I may have in the next coming weeks? Do I still keep it for days when I want to write about Mom? Do I end it as her fight is over? I have no idea, maybe I will have my answer soon.

I could write pages more of the last two days. Thank you to so many that held me up the last two days... you know who you are!!

I love you Mom!!

She is finally at Peace

My beautiful Mom went to her heavenly home last night. I have written about her battle from the beginning so I feel the I should write about the end.

I apologize to anyone who reads the news. Pop and I have started a pretty big phone tree to spread the word. Phone has been ringing off the hook. Family and friends offered to call many which has helped so much.

Some may not want to read the rest of this blog so will write about the arrangements first. Mom's visitation will be this Sunday from 4-8pm at Schrader Funeral Home on Manchester Road. The funeral will be held on Monday at St. Johns Lutheran Church of Ellisville. A short visitation from 10am-11am followed by the funeral at 11 am. We will then have a buffet lunch at the church and then who ever wishes can proceed to Jefferson Barracks. It will be in the St, Louis Post Dispatch on Saturday and Sunday.

I have to write the rest to get it out. Again, if you do not wish to read about what happened last night please stop now. Last night it was just Pop, Aunt Thelma, and myself. They both went to bed pretty early. Aunt Thelma was a little nervous to go to bed because I was feeling pretty sick. I assured her I would be ok. I wrote on the blog about our earlier in the evening. Watched some bad tv and then chatted online with my dear crush. I went in just a few minutes after midnight to give her medicine. Lights were off except our little nightlight like always. I walked in and said "medicine time Mom" just like always. I knew, I knew the minute the words had left my mouth. I watched her take her last few breaths, I made my feet move fast and pulled back the comforter. I placed my hands in correct position to start CPR and began to sob. I knew she would not want me to start CPR and I fought with myself to listen to her wishes. I am still so troubled over the fact that I did not start it. I know it was the right thing to do but it is killing me. I told her I loved her and she was gone. I have no idea how long I stayed by her side till I went to wake my Pop. I had told myself that I would be so strong for him when it happened and I lost it. I know Pop woke up and saw me, he knew right away. I sunk to my knees in the hallway. I am not sure if Pop woke Aunt Thelma or if she heard us. I went back in her room and changed her clothes. She had on one of her favorite Pillsbury shirts and I wanted to keep it. I then asked Pop for nail polish remover so I could paint her nails pink. I remember Aunt Thelma helping me not get paint all over and Pop kept talking to me. Pop called hospice and Uncle Jimmy. I called Kathy, Tara Rose, David, and Dana. I got sick from then on about 6 times. Uncle Jimmy and Aunt Jo Anne were here in no time. Felt like my cousin David was here five minutes after I called him. I mostly just stayed in David's arms or right beside him. I felt like a little lost girl just looking for someone to take care of me and tell me what to do. Pop was a rock, he in some ways was ready. He has been grieving for awhile, I did not allow myself to do so. Pop told me I had been the strong one and now it was his turn. I could not talk to Hospice. I simply told her to make sure her nails were dry. Pop asked David to take me on a drive while the funeral home came to pick Mom up. I think I repeatedly said I did not want to be here. I knew my strength would only carry me so far. I knew I would stay strong for Mom while she was here and needed me. Now I am lost. I am so lost. I find myself staring off in space and feeling so very numb. Why why why?? How did this happen?

Uncle Jimmy and Aunt Jo Anne left before 4am to go home. David left shortly there after. he told me I could go home with him but we both decided I needed to stay here so I could go with Pop this morning to Schrader. I did not want to leave Davids side. Best hugs ever and he was just so wonderful to me. He looked out for me the whole time he was here, all I had to do was move a foot and he was right there.

Pop, Aunt Thelma and I stayed in the living room. Aunt Thelma fell asleep in the recliner and Pop said he would try to get some sleep. I went to my room but no sleep would come. Kathy Lynn called to check on me about 5am or so and then Anne called. I never did go to sleep, Pop and I were at Scharder at 8:30am.

We are home now with more phone calls. I am just frozen on the couch. I just had to write, I just had to. Anne is on her way. Pop is on the phone non-stop

I cant write much more. Maybe more later.

Thank you for all the support and prayers.

I love you Mom! You fought hard my love. I miss you so much already. I know you are with Ma, Aunt Bertha, and Aunt LoLo. I bet Uncle Mike is right beside you making you laugh your ass off. So much love Mom!!

I just love egg drop soup and facebook

I have been in bed all day. Pop kept coming down to check on me and I know he is getting worried. My side is killing me. Pain has been coming and going last couple of weeks but yesterday it really flared up on me and today hit a peak. I should not be surprised with all the stress, that is one thing that may cause a flare up. I know if I call the Dr she is just going to get on my case about repeating the surgery. Just can not do that right now.

I am so relieved Pop is now comfortable with Moms medicine. I am able to rest and sleep now. I am sure the fact I went about 5 days with 2-3 hours of sleep daily did not help matters. Hospice was here this afternoon. Nurse told Aunt Thelma and Pop she could not believe she was here today. She was off over the weekend and last two days so we had other nurses here. She said Mom was a fighter and shocked she is still here with us.

My sweet Sarah called to check on me and was upset to hear about my side. She is one who knows first hand how sick I was. She does not want me to go through all that mess again. Knows how much I love egg drop soup especially when I am sick so she brought me some this evening. Tonight was the first night she met Aunt Thelma and just loved her. Sarah said she just wanted to close her eyes and listen to her because she reminded her so much of Mom. My close dear friends just adore my Mom. They all have grown so close to her over the years. Sarah wanted to go in and see Mom. She had not been here in a couple of weeks, last time she was here Mom was still talking. Sarah walked in and sat down to talk to her and just broke. I know it is so very hard for everyone to see her like this. I rubbed her back and started telling Mom how Sarah brought me egg drop soup. I know Mom was smiling on the inside and then probably thinking you better not be sick Carrie :)

Once again when I logged into facebook this evening I had many emails. I can not begin to tell y'all how much support I am receiving. If it was not for facebook, so many people that I would never have kept up with or that would never know about Mom. I have people writing me I have not talked to in 20 years. Each one makes me smile and builds me up again. How many offer a shoulder or a night out, I am just so ... whats the word...not sure. It just means so much. When Mom first was diagnosed I would tell her so and so emailed me about her. She would get so tickled by all the support. I am amazed by it and appreciate it so.

I keep hugging Aunt Thelma. She is about the same size as Mom and I swear gives hugs just like Mom. Tonight before she went to bed she said those words we all say in this family. Goodnight, Sweet Dreams, I love you. Gave me a hug and I had a hard time letting go. I wish Mom would just open her eyes and sit up, give me one of those amazing hugs. Oh how I wish I could hear her voice. I miss her so. I know she is still here but its so hard. Nurse compared it to a coma. I hate it and I know she hates it. Maybe she is trying to make it easier for us. Still here but not here. Trying in same way to let us not have her talking. Does that make sense? I don't know, I need to stop trying to figure out what she is holding onto. I could drive myself nuts trying to figure it out. I don't think I will ever grow use to not talking to her, not having her with me. I know she will always be with me but.....

I love you Mom

One hour at a time.....

RV, Forklifts, and of course Raccoons

Anne spent the night last night. We watched a interesting movie called Margot at the Wedding. Anne picked it so I can blame her for wasting 2 hours of our night :) We found humor in it of course but we find humor in everything.

Mom is still the same. No change. I am no longer listening to the nurses. According to two, it would be a miracle if Mom was still with us on Sunday. Here it is Tuesday and still here. Not quite sure what she is holding on to but she is a strong woman and I guess she is not going out without a fight. I miss her. I miss her voice, her laugh, her smile. I miss being able to talk to her on the phone for hours. I believe she can still hear us but its getting harder to sit and talk to her. I want to yell "wake up"

I have slept the last two days. I was wore out and just done. Pop is finally comfortable with helping give her medicine. That is so helpful and a huge load of my shoulders.

My cousin Chad was here with us most of the night. I love talking to Chad. He really listens and while we might be in the middle of a deep talk, he finds a way to make me feel safe and laugh at the same time. Our night consisted of talks about buying a RV, watching youtube videos of four wheelers with many comments from me of "that's something you would do Chad" and of course ending the night watching my raccoons eat. Chad is going to build them a jungle gym in the backyard. ha

Our front door remains unlocked now. Seems this house is never without visitors. I know it helps Pop and I. Mom would yell at us for having everyone over without having the house sparkling clean.

It will be a month this Thursday that Mom has had no food. No water for over a week now. I cant remember when she said I love you last. I do know that was the last thing she said to me. I miss her so. Cant write anymore, tears will start.

I love you Mom
One hour at a time.......

Hope and Fear

Completely focused but drained. Anne came over when she got off work yesterday to stay with me. I had not left Moms room but to get a drink or make sure everyone was okay. I heard the front door open and just knew it was Anne. There she was in the doorway and saw me holding Mom. She walked right over, kicked off her shoes, and cuddled right up next to me. I finally felt safe.

Anne stayed right there with me all night. Greg came over and brought us dinner. He also laid down with us. Mom, Anne, Greg, and I had a slumber party. We watched Clue on the laptop and I know Mom could hear it. She knows how much Anne and I love that movie. I know she was happy to hear our laughter.

Greg went home and Anne and I continued to stay with Mom. Around 1am I told Anne that I felt we needed to go into the living room. After what we were told by the nurses in terms of time, I feel like Mom is waiting for something. I just don't know what. I thought maybe she was waiting for me to leave the room. Maybe in a way she is still looking out for Pop and I. Anne and I came out to the living room. Anne fell asleep around 3 and I stayed awake till 5:30am. I was able to sleep till 8am.

I am exhausted today. No big changes with Mom today. She scared me quite a bit earlier. Each time I walk in that room I have overwhelming feelings of hope and fear all at once. Hope that I will see her chest rise and hear her breathe, fear that I will not.

Pop is a little off today. I am so worried about him. Fadler, Kevin and Toni came today. I was so tempted to tell fadler to throw me in this truck and drive me far far away. I really clung to both Kevin and Fadler when they left. Our dear friend Dana also came this afternoon. Her kindness inspires me. She has been so wonderful to my Pop and I.

I wish I knew what Mom was feeling, what she is thinking. I wish I knew if there was something she is waiting for.

I have more to write and I know it would help to get it all out. I just cant seem to find the right words.

First night where it is just Pop, Aunt Thelma, and myself. I am praying for strength tonight to stay awake and handle what the night may bring. I think I am coming very close to my last leg, I am emotionally so exhausted and physically completely drained. I just wish I could hear her voice to bring me just a little more strength.

I Love You Mom

One minute at a time..........

Goodnight, Sweet Dreams, I Love You

My Mom has said these words to me each night we were together, talked on the phone, etc for as long as I can remember. I love hearing her say it.

Last night was rough. Dana and Robin came over to stay with us. Uncle Jimmy, Aunt JoAnn, Chad, Leslie, and CJ stayed till after 9pm. Kim (angel nurse) called to check on things and after hearing my voice told me she was coming over. She did and walked in the door with her PJ's and told me she would just stay. Kim was able to better explain certain things to Aunt Thelma , Dana , and Robin and she answered each question/concern they had. Pop had fallen asleep on the couch around 7pm and someone told him to just go to bed. He only got up twice last night so I was glad he was able to sleep.

Around 2am, we became concerned with her breathing. It was growing further and further apart. I was sitting on the twin bed in the room just watching her when next thing I know I am up, moving a chair out in the hallway, moved the bedside table, and then moved the twin bed all the way over to Mom's bed. I was crying as I moved everything around, Kim and Dana watched knowing I guess that I just had to do it. I was only focused on being able to hold my Mom. Moved the bed all the over, got in and snuggled right up to Mom. I said"Mom lets go to sleep, Goodnight Sweet Dreams I Love You. I had broke. Really broke. I sang the song she and my Pop both sang to me each night when I was little. I sang You are my sunshine. I could not get all the words out but I know she knew I was singing to her. I cried harder than I had in the last couple of weeks. I just let it all out.

I stayed there all night and fell asleep around 4am. Kim left around 6am. Robin and Dana came in to check on us and left around 7am to go home and get some sleep. Aunt Thelma and fallen asleep in the recliner and I did not want to disturb her. I laid there with Mom and talked her ear off some more. I heard the front door around 8am and thought It would be Uncle Jimmy. There he was, came in and told me to sleep more with my Mom and got the coffee started. I stayed in there with her till almost 2pm today. I slept, I really slept. Held her hand the whole time and even had wonderful dreams.

I know she can still hear me. While it is no longer her eyes that flutter, I know she can still see me. Pop is having a hard time going in to see her. I cant think of anything else I would rather do than be right next to her. Her breathing is continually growing further apart and she is getting cold. I still believe she is not in pain. I got up for a bit just to check on everyone here and saw the laptop. I knew I had to write. I had to remember this last night. I had to remember being able to snuggle up right next to her, take her hand, and fall asleep. I have never slept better. I think she knew how tired I was and helped me sleep so good.

I love you Mom

One minute at a time.....

Not much to say

I did not sleep last night. I could no longer hear Mom well enough on the monitor so I stayed on the twin bed next to her. Watched almost the whole season of Big Brother on fancast while listening to her breathe.

She had a rough night. I increased her pain med to every hour. She is in more pain but I think we have it under control now. Her breathing is awful and to the point where Pop can not stay in room. Its hard to hear.

I could not sleep. Too many times I thought she had gone because of her breathing patterns now. I am numb today. I feel asleep at 7am and awoke to Kim (moms angel nurse) Kim came to see Mom and us before she went to work. She was here last night as well. She really got attached to Mom during her treatment. She has been such a blessing to our family. I got up and told her about last night. Told me I made the right call to increase med. She stayed and had breakfast with us.

Our wonderful friend Dana came over to stay with Aunt Thelma and Mom while Pop and I went to make arrangements. We needed to go. We needed to have it out of the way. One of the hardest things Pop and I have ever done. Surprisingly we both agreed on everything. I feel strongly that Mom would pick out the same. Walked in the door and Dana looked white. She was alarmed about Moms breathing. It is hard to hear and gives you a bad feeling. That deep pit of the stomach feeling while your eyes well up and then you just go numb. Never felt anything like I do the last couple of days. I know what is coming and I worry each time I walk in that room.

Dana and I went shopping when I got home. She told me I needed to go get something to wear. We were back within a hour and a half. Dana jokes she is now a speed shopper because she has two little ones. Dana picked it out and its perfect. Little pink for my mom and I can wear her pearls I love. I could not pick anything out, I was just numb.

Trying to get Pop to get out for a bit. I am worried about him being here when it happens. I know he wants to be here but I wish for him not to be. I don't want him to see. I know I will not be able to pick him up because I will be in my own mess. I just don't want him to see.

Dana told me once again how strong I am being and how wonderful. I keep hearing that word. Strong. I don't feel strong. I really don't. I feel like breaking at any minute. I want to crawl in a dark hole and never come out. But I have to make sure she stays comfortable. I will NOT allow her to be in pain. I have to keep this up a little longer. Cant break just yet.

I love you Mom
One hour at a time....

How does anyone shop for this?

Anne came over when she got off work today. Hospice nurse was till here and no changes with Mom. Pop and I had talked earlier about Anne coming over and what I would ask her to go do with me.

Sat around a bit and then asked Anne if she would go shopping with me for Mom. She said yes of course and off we went. How does one even begin to shop for that outfit. We both had ideas in mind and pretty much on the exact same page. Anne knows Mom's style well and what she would like. Pretty overwhelming and felt like the same day when Anne and I had gone shopping for her party outfit. Lots of maybes and shrugs but we were determined to find the perfect outfit. Went to Macy's and just saw nothing. Walked down to Ann Taylor but that had us both saying yes. Few other stores and then found ourselves back at the White/Black House Market. We both were looking and then Anne pulled it out! I knew the minute she found the jacket. I found the skirt. That is my Mom. Perfect for her.

Pop had told us to find something for me. That did not happen. Instead we went to California Pizza Kitchen so I could have a glass of wine. Anne had a lemon drop martini and she kept me laughing. The plan was after a drink we would continue shopping. I did try, I really did. It just was not the night for me to shop. It wore me out finding a outfit for Mom. So glad Anne went with me and we found the perfect one.

We got home and Pop, Aunt Thelma, and Aunt JoAnne were all sitting around the kitchen table. I pulled it out of the garment bag and was met with smiles and nods from them all. They all agreed it was so Mom and just beautiful.

Feel dazed if I am not with people the last few days. Trying to stay busy and keep people around me. I hate this!

I love you Mom

One hour at a time...........

Burglar and Roger all in one night

I was going to write this at 5am but really felt like I could sleep so here is a funny, sad, and all around odd night at our house late last night.

Aunt Thelma went o bed a little after 10pm. My Pop decided to start shutting his door at night again which is ok due to I will not need to get Mom up anymore for the bathroom. Aunt Thelma wanted to keep her door open so she could hear Mom. I have been sleeping upstairs on the couch for over a month now and still did not want to go to my room last night. Mom coughed a few times but nothing like the night before last. The medicine is really helping control the cough.

Around 2am I was on the couch reading with Georgia Mae snuggled under the covers with me. The back deck is right next to the couch with a big sliding glass door. No steps to get to the deck but a retaining wall is close enough where someone could climb if they had the talent. I heard a big clunk and thought someone just jumped on the deck. Georgia came right out from underneath the covers and jumped on back of couch and her tail was just wagging. First thought came to mind the vase on the coffee table and how I could hit them over the head. ha. I finally sat up to look and expected to see a masked man. I saw something alright. And she did have a black mask over her eyes and I call her Big Momma. My raccoon Big Momma climbed up the deck post and was sitting on the upper deck. I jumped up and saw I had left the empty fruit loop box outside. Big Momma had her head shoved down in the box . Then to my right I noticed one of the babies had also climbed up. I laugh and say oh shit at the same time. Mom happened to cough which made Aunt Thelma get up to look in on her and I came flying down the hallway. "Aunt Thelma, raccoons are on the deck"
She was half asleep and said "downstairs on the patio honey"
'NO, upstairs"
She was awake then and followed me to the kitchen. I turned on the back deck light and there they were just hanging out. Aunt Thelma's hand flew over her mouth to control her giggles. I was trying to not let my mouth drop to the floor. Big Momma sees me at the door, walks right over to it and sits down and gives me a look of "you got any more fruit loops"
Aunt Thelma and I were dying. I asked if I should go out and move the box and Aunt Thelma said Nooooooooo.
Then Aunt Thelma in between her giggles said" your daddy is going to shit" ha. And she did not spell it. They finally climbed down and we both agreed to not tell Pop.

Around 4am I felt like I could sleep. The monitor was right beside me and I felt Mom was comfortable and it would be ok to fall asleep. Almost to dream land and I hear Pop walk in living room. He goes in laundry room and pulls towels out of the dryer and starts folding. ummm.... "uh Pop, what are you doing"
"I just cant sleep"
Ok, so I think he will fold a few towels and go back to bed. He continues to fold and starts taking them to the bathroom. Last load was washcloths and is he starting to head down hallway when he stops, goes to recliner and sits there just holding the washcloths. I don't say anything at first. Living room is dark and I want to sleep. I finally say
"You want to talk Pop"
"No"
You want the tv on"
"No'
"You want something to eat"
"No"
"You want me to talk"
"No"
"You wanna play cards"
"No"
At this point I want to ask if he is aware its 4am and he is sitting in the dark holding washcloths but I bite my tongue. I then thought I should tell him about the raccoons to
1. Make him laugh or
2. Make him get his mind off things

I was just about to tell him when option 3 popped in my mind and I saw his hands flying up and washcloths going everywhere while he yells that the raccoons are taking over the house and the next thing we know, they will start just walking in the patio door. I decided to it was best to not tell him the story.

"Pop, you gotta give me a hint here"
"I just want to sit Carrie, I just want to sit"
After about 15 minutes he got up and went back to bed. Poor Pop.

I know Kathy Lynn is reading this and just dying. My cousin Chad is probably rolling on the floor after reading this because just last night while he was here he joked about them climbing up to the upper deck. My Pop told him he was going to buy a pellet gun. I told Pop unless he wanted a pellet shot in his ass in the middle of the night, he better not touch my raccoons! I know Sarah is going to read this and say"Oh Carrie" :)

I still think its funny. But like I told Chad last night, I now sit up on the upper deck and toss food down so I will not be tempted to let them get so close. It was to the point where they walked right up to me while I sat downstairs patio to feed them. Now Big Momma is climbing up. ha ha ha. I love it. Mom would just get the biggest kick out of this but she would also say not to tell Pop. Pop would kill me for this one.

Ellen just came by and brought us goodies from Psghetti's. Yummy. Uncle Jimmy stopped by. Pop and Aunt Thelma left to go see Uncle Bruce. Nurse should be here in about a hour.

Its a beautiful day out. Wish Mom could get out and enjoy it with me. I love you Mom

One hour at a time............

Stay Strong

I hear my Mom's voice all day and night telling me to stay strong.

Lets start with Pops birthday. It was good. Many calls and warm Birthday wishes. He needed that and so glad so many thought of him.

Hospice nurse came today. I knew late last night that Moms hip was dislocated, I just knew it. I was right. Left hip is dislocated, we knew it was in her bones and being Mom is so tiny and frail it should not come as a surprise. With this deep sleep she is in, we believe she had her leg in a position where she dislocated it. Nurse ordered a mattress that came flat where I could tuck and roll underneath her and then it blows up. This should make her more comfortable. We also went to liquid pain meds that I can give her by syringe. Huge help and much easier for Mom. Also decided to put in a foley which will be all around better for Mom. Nurse stayed almost two hours and it worked out well. Pop was picking up Aunt Thelma at the airport when she arrived so she and I had a good amount of time to talk. I knew what she was going to tell me and I am staying strong.

I know it was hard for Aunt Thelma to see her dear sister like this. There was no one or words to try to prepare her for what she saw but we tried our best. I am just happy she is here and I know Mom knows she is here.

Robin and Dana brought Pop a great birthday meal along with a cake. I know he enjoyed that and he deserved it!!!! Shortly after they left, my cousin Chad, Leslie, and sweet CJ came over to deliver in person Pops birthday card. They stayed awhile with us, we all sat outside and watched my raccoons chow down on Fruit Loops. (Yes I buy them Fruit Loops but its a once a week treat because that box is $3.85 and they eat it all in one night) Dad even watched them but would yell Davey Crockett and talk about what great hats they would make..ha.

Hospice will now be here each day and call each night to check on us. I know it is coming and I will continue to be strong.

She is in a deep sleep and while I miss seeing her eyes open and hearing her voice, I am so thankful she is comfortable. God is taking a true angel back to his house and while I am pissed and confused as to why he needs her now, I know she will always be with me.
I Love you Mom

One hour at a time......

One Peach and a Pumpkin Cheescake Muffin

Pop turned 70 today!! Happy Birthday to my Dad. He is not in the birthday spirit but I cant blame him for that. I went to Starbucks and picked him a pumpkin cheesecake muffin and he loved it. He got a couple of birthday cards in the mail that made him smile. I am hoping he receives a few calls tonight with warm birthday wishes.

Yesterday my cousin David came by. He had K9 training out in the area so he and Otto (best K9 dog ever) stopped by to see Mom. Otto stayed in the car due to the fact he probably would eat our cats and Dad is just scared of him, ha. David had a rough time seeing Mom but he stayed and talked with Pop and I awhile. He saw I needed to get out for a bit so told me to go hang out just for a couple of hours with him. I knew I needed to get out, I have only been to the grocery store since last Thursday. I was nervous to leave Pop but he kept telling me to go. Had some laughs with David and the kids and was back home in a couple hours.

Mom has been in a deep sleep since Monday at 1am. Our dear friend Dana came by to see her today and was troubled how different Mom looked today just from Monday. That tells me a lot. Being that Pop and I see her everyday we sometimes miss the changes. She has developed a awful cough. She coughed all night but slept the whole time. Shortness of breath is becoming more evident. The nurse will be here this afternoon so I know we will have a talk.

Pop is leaving shortly to go pick up my Aunt Thelma from the airport. I cant wait!! She is my moms sister and brings a feeling of love and warmth to this house. I am worried how she will handle seeing Mom like this. She was here a week before Moms party and so much has changed since then. Telling her on the phone is much different than her seeing it in person. I am so worried.

I am starting to feel very numb. My voice is growing softer and while I sit here and talk to our family and friends that stop by, I am being awful at not hearing anything they really say. I just don't understand how my Mom woke up Easter Sunday with pink eye and we are now here. I know I can not keep asking why why why but so hard not to. I just want one more fun Saturday with her. I just want to be in the car, hear my phone ring and hear her voice on the other end. I want one more of her amazing hugs. I want, I want, I want!! I want so much more. Tears are falling so time to stop writing for now.

I love you Mom!!!

One hour at a time.....

Pop's Birthday!!!!

I had meant to write about Dads upcoming birthday in my earlier post but vented a little and forgot to. Maybe better that my dear Pop gets his own special post.

Pop is turning 70 on Wednesday!!! 70!!! My mom had told me in January she wanted to throw him a big party to celebrate and so sad she is not able to still do that for him. Mom usually only asks what day of the week it is so she had no idea his birthday is Wednesday. I think it would hurt her terribly to know.

I have asked Pop if he would like me to set up a dinner party for him out some where and invite whoever he wished. He said no, he wanted to be home with Mom and I. I asked him if he wanted a special meal that I could cook or carry out from somewhere. So far he keeps saying he has no idea.

Kathy Lynn and Michelle put a birthday card on his desk before they left and when he found it, he loved it. I am asking everyone to send him a card, call him, ask to take him out for birthday dessert.. whatever you can think of. Turning 70 is huge foe him and I am so sorry I was not able to have a big party for him.

With everything going on with my Mom, I have a feeling some may have forgotten about his special day so please keep in mind it is Wednesday. It is his special day and I do want him to smile and enjoy it.

Dana, my moms dear friend and a wonderful person was here today. She has been amazing to us. She surprised my Pop with a plane ticket today. He can fly anywhere in the US. He was so touched by this gracious and generous gift. he is going to use it to fly to Canada to see one of his best friends. It was not for his birthday, it was just because. My Pop is going to need many of those just because gifts. Gifts meaning.. a phone call, a offer of lunch, a offer to go see a game, anything. But I am asking everyone to please help me give him many reasons to smile on Wednesday and enjoy turning 70.

One hour at a time.....

Could sleep for Days..........

Only yesterday I had Kathy Lynn and Michelle here. We had a houseful in the morning. By late afternoon Pop had taken Kathy and Michelle to the airport and I was in a quiet empty house. It is easy to not focus on what is happening here when we have a houseful of loved ones. Uncle Jimmy and "the crew" put in a new garage door opener for Pop and trimmed the lawn. Kevin and Toni stopped by with a box of doughnuts. Tara came with Aiden and Ava along with food for Pop and I. She brought a key lime pie that is to die for. The morning was good and I enjoyed having everyone here. But as soon as they had left and Pop drove off with Kathy and Michelle, the waterworks started and I went to take a nap as soon as Pop got home. I have been sad ever since.

Mom had a rough night. She is hallucinating more and more. Last night I heard her three different times talking to someone. Once she thought she was talking to Connie at Acosta about a promotion file. I promised her Connie already had it and she did not need to worry about work. She was very concerned about it and insisted she needed to get to work. I told her she did not need to go to work today. She softly said thank you and fell back asleep. Another time I walked in and she was talking to American Express about her credit card. She thought she was on the phone with them. I told her Pop had taken care of it and she then turned her head and continued talking to them and let them know Pop had taken care of the bill. So hard to watch her go through this. Around 3am she called out my name and I ran in. She had to use the bathroom. Pop now sleeps with his door closed and mom wanted to get up right then. No time to get Pop to help me and I thought I could handle it. Hardest time we had. She was completely putting all weight on me. I kept yelling for Pop but he could not hear me. Finally get her back in bed and she starts throwing up, I am really yelling for Pop at this point. I finally get her back in bed and open Pops door telling him I need help. He got wet washcloths while I got her medicine. He has promised not to close his door tonight.

I fell asleep on the couch for a couple of hours around 6am. I went to my room around 11am to take a nap. Pop woke me at 2pm. Dana and Gregory were here keeping mom company. Dana has been so sweet to us.

I have decided to not work Thursday this week. I just cant seem to leave this house. Moms toes are turning purple. Her hands and feet are so cold. I do still believe she is sleeping pain free. That is so important to me. It is hard enough to watch what is happening but if I knew she was in pain it would be too much.

Aunt Thelma will be here Wednesday or Thursday. Thank Goodness!!

I have gone back and forth about writing today. I started this blog as a way to let family and friends know updates as well as a way for me to cope. The blog has helped me, I do find I write often and especially when I am struggling. However, the blog has caused a few problems as well. While it is not a problem, someone told my Pop about the blog. I have stated from the beginning I wished for him not to know about it. I have vented about him on here and never would want him to think I was disappointed or upset with him. He does not completely understand what the blog is so at least whoever told him did not tell him how to access it. I do not know who told him but wish it would not have come up. This blog has also caused people to question who I am as a person as well as how I feel about people. Right to the point, some feel I am coming off as a bitch. I should not have to defend myself or my actions but while I try to act as though I do not worry about what others think, it does bother me. I have said from the beginning that no one should judge me or have their feelings hurt by who I have been depending on through this. It does not mean I do not like or love you, I just have those that I have always been close to and should not surprise anyone that those are who I go to. If anything you should just be happy that I do have those who are my rocks and give me strength along with laughter. I am not ready to stop writing this blog but I am coming to close.

One hour at a time......

Gooney and Burke along with a turtle

We had a nice night on Friday. Anne, Greg, Pop, Scottie, Kathy Lynn, Michelle, and I watched the Cardinal game. Everyone went home after the game. Kathy Lynn, Michelle, and I sat outside the rest of the evening and talked. We had the raccoons come visit a few times. Finally we went to bed ta 3am. We did not mean to stay up so late but it seems Kathy Lynn and I always do so.



Kathy Lynn woke up early on Saturday and I did not hear her get up. I finally slept deep which I knew I would with her here. I felt someone lay beside with me and rolled over and found Uncle Jimmy just laying there. I smiled and hugged him. He said "Hey sleepy" Then said" I just don't know what we are going to do" Kissed my forehead and told me to get a little more sleep. Kathy Lynn came down a bit later to wake me.

We had a full day. Pastor Ryan came over and Mom had her communion. She was not able to eat or drink but Pastor Ryan placed the wafer/wine on her lips. We had a emotional but much needed talk with Mom while Ryan was here. Pastor Ryan was incredible. His words and sweet nature were exactly what Pop, Mom, and I needed. Pastor Ryan told Mom about her very special place in Heaven. I finally told her what I knew I had to say but did not have strength to do until Ryan was here. I told her it was ok to go and I promised I would take care of Pop. She smiled softly and said "I know Sweetie'"

Day continued on and more visitors. My second Mom and Dad came by with a huge plate of lunch meat and bread. Kathy Lynn and Michelle were excited to meet Roger and Janie after spending time with Anne on Friday.

Last night my cousin Julie and Timmy came. I have found I am growing stronger as people come out of Moms room. I usually am waiting with tissues and hugs. Kathy Lynn and I had run to the store when they arrived but got back in time that I was here when Timmy left the room. This one broke my heart. Oh that face and he just laid his head on my shoulder with tears. I know he is not my little Timmy anymore but to me he is my little Timmy, sweet Timmy. We had a great dinner that luckily I was here to cook. Just ask Michelle or Kathy Lynn who did all the work this weekend :)

Michelle went to bed early and this morning is at church with Pop. Kathy Lynn and I stayed up late but up and ready for our breakfast. We sat outside last night and had 4 raccoons. We had another great talk which included human turtles and many laughs :) Love you Kathy Lynn

Michelle and Kathy leave today and I dread it. I know this house will feel empty soon but Kathy will be back. I have had many things to write about this busy weekend but have not had many chances to sit and write away.

The title is a special one for my Kathy Lynn....thank goodness I like her :) ha


One hour at a time.......

What a Full Morning

I finally went back to bed after 5am and was able to fall asleep. Anne did not even wake up as I curled myself up against her back. 8am and my phone begins to ring, at first I wanted to ignore it but saw it was my cousin Jim and that is one person I do not ignore. He told me he was on his way, to get up and he would stop and grab me coffee. I told Anne to stay in bed and sleep more. Came upstairs to start cleaning the kitchen while I wait for Jim and my mom's great friend Dana called and said she was on her way. Anne suddenly is in kitchen with offers to help clean. Jim comes and next thing I know Anne is polishing the furniture, Jim .... well Jim turned into Mr. Clean. He swept the front porch, cleaned the glass front door, swept out the garage, vacuumed downstairs, steam cleaned the carpets upstairs... I have the best friends and family.

Dana brought a beautiful picture her daughter painted for mom. A big sunshine with a happy face. She told Dana it was the happiest picture ever. Dana hung it on the wall mom is facing :)

Tara Rose came by on her lunch hour and mom was excited to see her. She had her three daughters in the room with her.

Her wonderful and dear friend Colleen was just here. She is also my adopted Grandma. I know it meant so much to Mom that she had so many wonderful visitors today and still more are coming!!!

Anne has spoiled me by blow drying my hair. I tell you, there is nothing more that can relax me like someone blow drying my hair. I love it. Whenever I was sick, my mom would always blow dry my hair. Maybe that's where it started.

Pop should be at the airport now to pick up Kathy Lynn and Michelle. I cant wait.

While it is a sad day, I am feeling strong. I have been surrounded all day by our wonderful family and friends. I know I am going to be okay. I know Pop is going to be okay. We are truly blessed with the best family and friends. Outpouring love has been in this house and it means so much to Pop and I.

One hour at a time....

Not Ready

4am and awake again. Anne is here sound asleep and I should be asleep next to her. My dear Anne came over to spend the night with us tonight. I went into work today as planned. Went in at 3pm and was walking to my car crying at 5pm. Kim (moms nurse) who came by to visit yesterday, came up to MRI to find me. We talked about 15 minutes and she told me what she saw yesterday with mom. I am not going to write too much detail here. I will say I worked about a half hour more after talking to her but completely broke down at work and came home. I needed to be here. I have already found someone to cover my shift on Tuesday. I will not leave this house for a couple of days.

I came home and talked to Pop about what Kim said. We decided to call some family and friends to come see Mom. I called Anne and she came right over to stay with us tonight. Anne and I gave Mom a bed bath followed by a leg massage with her favorite lotion.

Pop and I both needed Anne here tonight. She and I went to pick up dinner for us and she got Pop a bag of M&M's. Watched the Cards game from this afternoon together. Pop went on to bed and Anne and I snuggled under blankets to watch Project Runway. She made me laugh which I needed. I thought after the news today I would not laugh for a long time but Anne always can make me laugh.

Kathy Lynn will be here in about 10 hours. I know I should go back downstairs and try to sleep. I did fall asleep with Anne but only for two hours. I just stare at that monitor listening to Mom breathe.

News today was hard. I will say if you want to see Mom, you should come this weekend. I am not ready for what is coming. I will try to stay strong for my Pop because he will need me. I know I am surrounded by love from so many. We will find a way to get through this.

One hour at a time...........

Not a Grandma

I was sitting in the room with mom watching her sleep when the doorbell rang. I was very happy to find on our front porch Kim!!! Kim is our angel nurse. She grew very attached to mom and our family while Mom had treatment at MoBap. Mom adores her, my Pop loves her, and I just think she is the best nurse I know. She lives near us so has been over to see Mom. Minute I opened the door she asked what was wrong. Told her about the confusion and we went straight back to see her.

Pop came home while Kim was visiting and all of us were in Moms room. Wiggles once again would not leave Moms bed but was demanding attention from Kim. My cat Georgia came in the room and jumped on my lap. Kim made a comment about Georgia and I said something about Georgia and Savannah being Moms grand kitties. Mom started calling Georgia her grand kitty the first day I got her while living in Texas, Mom even mailed her a gift. For Christmas, Mom brought over presents for them. You get the idea. So Kim said to Mom, "you have two grand kitties"

Mom opened her eyes and looked so sad and spoke in this soft voice "No, no no I have no grand kids"
Tears are welling in my eyes and Kim tried to help by saying "Bernice you have Georgia and Savannah. Mom made a grunt laugh and said no. "I want grandchildren and she never gave me any"

I don't know what was said after that. I left the room and sat on the porch crying my eyes out. I hate this. I hate that there is still so much I want her to be a part of. I always knew she wanted to be a grandma. Anyone who knows her, knows that. She would be the best grandma. I just cant believe she said that. I know my Pop thinks its odd that I am 30 and not married. Seems all my friends are married with kids. I had my chance at a time but it was the wrong guy and the wrong time. Now I wonder if I made the right choice by walking away. At this point I could have made her a grandma. The shit that you begin to think about at a time like this.

Kim stayed around and talked to Pop and I awhile. Let Pop know the confusion would grow and the hallucinating would become worse. Not what you want to hear but I knew that.

Pop is already in bed and once again here I am. Monitor right in front of me and just listening to her sleep.

One day at a time....

Sleep at last...

I was able to sleep about 5 hours yesterday but woke up quite a bit. Thought I would be good to go for a couple of more days. Last night I found my eyes growing heavy around 4am but still made it. Was quite upset still about what Mom had said to me. Pop came in about 8am. Around 9:30 he told me to go downstairs and sleep. I told him to wake me up in two hours, I would be fine after two hours.

I woke up a half hour ago. Its 3pm!!!! Pop did not wake me, he said he walked down a few times and I was just sleeping too good. Guess I did need more than the 5 hours yesterday. While I was sleeping, we had visitors. Our great friend Dana came by. She spoiled me last week with a pedicure gift card (I need to go use that this week) and today a Starbucks card!!! Woo-hoo. Gave Dad a bread company gift card. She has always been so sweet to our family and we just love her. Mom and her grew close at Pillsbury and Mom is actually her sons Godmother. Uncle Jimmy came by, upset I missed him. I have been wanting a Uncle Jimmy hug for a few days now. The Chaplain came from Hospice and Pop said it was a nice talk.

Pop told me Mom was hallucinating quite a bit earlier today. I think that has him pretty upset. But it is so very hard to see. As soon as I woke up, Pop was basically out the door. He said he had errands to go run. I think he just does not want to be here anymore. I know its hard on him.

Wiggles is still on the bed with Mom. She will not leave. Usually each time you walk in Wiggles meows at you and watches every thing you do to Mom.

Friday will not be here soon enough. I cant for Kathy Lynn to be here!!

One day at a time.....

2009

I absolutely hate this year. It is the worst year I have ever had and hope I never come close to have another like it. Year started off heartbreaking when Drew and I broke up and then we find out for a unexplainable reason my Mom is sick.

I was able to fall asleep on the couch this morning about 5am. I was not comfortable with going downstairs to my room. The monitor has been a huge help but at the same time if I hear one noise I am running in to check on her. Most of the time its one of the cats jumping on her bed. Wiggles rarely leaves her bed anymore. Pop woke me up and told me he needed help. Once trying to assist her to the bathroom was hard. I had decided to go to work today so Pop told me to go down to my room and sleep for two more hours. He woke me when the Hospice nurse arrived.

Pop's two nieces stayed with him and Mom today while I went to work. I did not want to leave.

Mom has become confused and is hallucinating. This is very hard to watch. Over the years at work I have dealt with this behavior but not the same when it is your Mom. At times she will take her meds and fall right back asleep but then we have the moments where she is upset we woke her. I hate to wake her if she is comfortable but at the same time certain meds are helping ease her pain and make her able to sleep.

A hour ago I went to give her some meds. I am not sure she knew who I was. Eye contact is becoming harder. I told her what I was giving her and placed the pill in her mouth followed by the straw. She would not take the water and I said "Mom please take a sip"
She pushed my hand away and said "You are being a little B"
She did take the water and I covered her back up and made my way into the hallway before the tears came. She called me a B. If you know my mom, you know she spells her curse words. She was calling me a bitch and it broke my heart. My mom has never spoke to me that way. Never my mom. I am not sure what hurt more...that she called me that but knowing she is confused or that she called me a bitch in her way. Still being my mom by saying "B"

Pop went to bed about 9:30pm. He asked if I was going to handle the night shift. I said of course and he put his head down. Told me he was sorry that I have not really had sleep in the last 5 days. My body is adjusting to it and I have to do it. I just have to do this for her.

I hate this confusion and I hate not being able to talk to her. I hope I have no memory of these last few days, I hate them.

My coworkers were great today just like always. At this point if I showed up and walked in the control room and cried my entire shift without working at all, I think they would just hand me tissues with a warm blanket. I did go today but I did call my Pop 3 times while I was there. I only worked 3pm-7pm. I saw Dr. Good looking aka Dr. Gorgeous aka Dr. I get nervous around you aka Dr. Why do you have to be happily married with three kids. Great guy and he was the one who performed Moms biopsy so he has a soft spot for me now. Has given me great advice over the months and always asks about her. Today he was more concerned about me. Told me in a very polite but serious way that basically I look like hell and I need to start taking care of myself. He is right. Hair just thrown up on my head, will not even get on a scale and see what I have gained, and I basically look like a raccoon from lack of sleep and tears.

My cousins Kathy Lynn and Michelle fly in Friday from Georgia. Can only stay the weekend and I know its going to be hard to let Kathy Lynn go back. She is my rock. My cousin on my Pops side is getting married on Saturday. I want to go and celebrate this beautiful day with her but just not sure I will be able to go. I would still need to go buy a dress and I will not even leave the house right now to run down the road for a diet coke. Pop is leaving more and more during the day. I am ok with that. I just wish he was going out to lunch with someone or talking with someone about all this.

I am getting better and better about calling people and answering the phone. Times like this it is hard. 1:30 am and who can you really call to talk. I did text my .. well I call him my "crush" a bit ago. He always has a reply that makes me smile. He called back though and was having a good time out. I think I made him feel bad because I said something along the lines of I just wanted a reason to smile and that tonight was rough. I felt bad that in the middle of his fun night out he had me aka debbie downer text. I hate that I am that person now. I was always the "fun" one. Always ready to go out, always with a smile. Now I only feel like going to a few friends houses and show up in scrub pants and a tshirt. Since Sunday I will not leave her at all.

I hate 2009. I really hate that today in the gift shop at work I noticed they had Halloween decor out. Holidays are fast approaching. What are Pop and I going to do?

One hour at a time...............

A Few Peaches

Mom just had a visit from four of her cousins from Georgia. They drove up to see her and so glad they made the trip. Marie, Debra Ann, Pam, and Jane all were here. They are staying with Uncle Jimmy and drive back to Georgia on Wednesday. Debra Ann went in to see her first and Mom knew it was her right away. Each time one came out of her room, my eyes welled up but I did not cry. It is just so hard to know what they must be feeling and I feel so bad they had to see her this way. But at the same time I am glad they could see her and say those important words..."I Love You"

Aunt JoAnn drove them over and she could tell I was having a bad day. She asked right away if I have been to see Scott and told her I have been over twice in the last 5 days just to cry to my big cousin.

The hospital bed is here and all ready for her. It is a twin bed and I put on a set of sheets Mom always liked. Little kitty cat pattern and they are very soft. She has not been up since this morning so just waiting for the right opportunity to try to get her in there. I asked once if she felt like changing beds and she said no. Hope I can do it still tonight and not middle of the night.

I have not been to bed yet. Starbucks saved me. Pop went in and had a two hour nap but he needed it. My cousin Dana called and volunteered to take a half day tomorrow so she will be here with my Pop when I go to work. I just worry about him being here alone if she has to get up. I am going in at 3pm but Dana said she would get here a little early because she wants me to sleep. ha. At this point I am growing so use to no sleep who knows if I will be able to. I have been going to bed at 5am and awake at 7am the last 4 nights.

I am back to One hour at a time.....

Lost

Completely lost. Lost in trying to understand how in the hell did we get here. Last night was rough. Very bad night. I went in at midnight to give Mom her medicine and it just turned into a awful night. Not sure I should write everything that happened because I don't want to make family and friends worry more than they already are.

I have had no problems with her taking her pills until last night. Pop has. Placed the pill in her mouth and started to place straw in for her sip of water and she started pushing me away. Would not open her mouth. Would not turn her head. Pop started to try to sit her up which I have told him not to do...1. Because he pushes on her back. 2. Because he is going to hurt himself. Pop and I are both trying to get her to take a sip of water to get that pill down. Then while I know he is just trying he asked if she had to use the bathroom. She had not been all day, no fluids going in plus I understand what her body is doing. Pop does not like this. So luckily I had the nurse have the pharmacy bring the beside toilet yesterday. Between that four poster bed, Mom being weak, Pop not understanding how to assist, and Mom basically just throwing her arms around my neck at the same time trying to lay on the floor, it was 30 minutes of trying to get her on the toilet and then back to bed. She did not have to use the restroom. It was a bad night.

After her last pill at 5am, I decided to lay down till Pop went to his workout. He woke me at 7am and here I am still awake. Mom and I had a rough two hours when he was gone. She had to get up twice to use the restroom. She is becoming ill towards Pop and me. Pushes us away when we try to help but then clings on. I did have her sit in the wheelchair so I could change the sheets. She asked if she could just lay on the floor. I was worried she was going to fall out of the wheelchair. I set a record for the fastest sheet change. As soon as I had her back in bed I called Hospice and told them we could not wait till Wednesday for the hospital bed, we needed it today. Pop came home while I was on the phone. Told him I was having the bed brought in today. Then I set off for the guest bedroom to move furniture and clean out the room. Two hours of sleep, frustrated with what is happening, and trying to move a desk while my side is killing me....my Pop walks in and asks what is for breakfast. I just started crying. Told him to go pick up Bob Evans, he asks if I would call and place the order! Really!!!! Really... sure, let me stop cleaning out the room to make space for the hospital bed and order you breakfast. So I somehow did not cuss him out and started down the hallway to order... then he decides he wants to see the menu, could I pull it up online.

I know I have slept probably a total of five hours in the last three-four days. I know I am stressed, worried, all around a mess. My side is acting up so I know I am crabby. Somehow I did not explode at him, he is turning into this lost almost childlike person. He wants me upstairs all the time, he does not want to be alone.

I am on the fence about calling my boss today. I am NOT comfortable at all with leaving Pop here with mom while I go to work tomorrow. Not even if I do the 3pm-7pm shift. No way could Pop have handled this morning if he was here alone.

New pain medicine is helping but asking nurse for pills that dissolve. Better for Mom.

Pop is heading out to the store now and I am waiting for the call to set up the delivery of the bed. Asked him to bring me back a Starbucks because I am exhausted. Not sure how much more I can take.

One day at a time,..........

Days all run together...

I almost feel as though Pop and I need to hang a board similar to what you may find in a first grade classroom where it tells you in huge letters what the day is. Pop is sleeping more than me and probably gets maybe 6 hours of sleep a night. I had a two hour nap today but besides that have not slept since yesterday for only 3 hours on the couch. I feel like a zombie but seems that is typical amount of sleep for me last few months.

Mom had finally told me what her pain level was yesterday. Pop and I have been asking her but could not get a answer. Not sure if the question confused her or she did not want to say. It was a 8. Not acceptable. Nurse came this morning and immediately called in a new pain medicine. Mom is now on three pain meds. Pop is having a hard time giving her medicine. He offered to give it to her at 7pm. I was in the living room and could hear everything on the monitor. I wanted to go right back there but at same time I know I had to wait for Pop to ask for my help. He came out about ten minutes later and asked me to help. I told him to watch what I do. I gently wake her, lift her head, place pills in her mouth, straw to mouth, lay her right back and cover her back up. Pop tends to go in and ask if she wants to sit up. Tries to place the pill in her hand and it just does not work anymore. While the nurse was here we had her order the hospital bed. It will be here Wednesday. I figured I could clean out the guest room tomorrow. Hoping Fadler is still coming and can help me move the desk. Tuesday I work and Pop wanted me here while the delivered it so Wednesday it is.

I feel awful about Mom's cousins. Four drove up here from Georgia and have not been here to see her yet. Pop told him he felt it was just too bad of a day and I hate to say but I agreed. I have been the one who never turns away people who want to see her. Pop does it all the time. I just hate her pain level is so high and hope the new med will help. I also feel so bad that they will see her like this. I think so many people expect to see the Bernice they know and love and others think she will look like she did the day of the party. I saw it in Fadlers eyes when he saw her on last week. I don't think you can prepare someone before they see her now. Hate to admit it but Pop and I each cry every time when leave her bedroom now.

Mom is now getting pills every two hours. I will be able to take a short nap around 10am after Dad gets home from his workout. Another night with no sleep. I honestly don't know how I am functioning. Starbucks is my new best friend and luckily 24 hour one right down the road.

Someone call Pop on Wednesday or Friday and ask to take him to lunch or dinner PLEASE!!!! He needs to get out and enjoy a meal out.

One day at a time.....................

She sleeps............

It seems that has become my answer to the question "how is your mom doing" I am handling the sleeping much better than Pop, he wants her to wake up so much. Last night we started the new pain pill. I had a little mini reunion with girls I went to grade school with. I had really wanted to go and after writing down the instructions for Pop and reviewing the instructions 5 times, I felt comfortable leaving for the evening. I know he is over-whelmed and I am really trying not to lose my patience with him. I told him I would call him at 8pm to remind him and make sure he understood the medicine. It seemed he understood but then asked me to call him back in 30 minutes because he wanted me on the phone while he gave her the medicine. sigh.....ok Pop. I go outside to call him back at 8:30pm, he then had to put me on speaker phone as he gave her the medicine. Yep, I have no idea why either so don't ask. This went on all night. I had to call back every 2-3 hours to listen to him give her the medicine. Oh Pop. The good news is she is tolerating this pain med. We were so worried because she is so sensitive to medication.

It seems each day is becoming harder than the day before. Pop and I each broke today. Pop had gone to see Uncle Bruce. I went in to check on mom and she wanted to use the bathroom. I ended up having to lift her off the bed. I really wanted to carry her to the bathroom but she wanted to walk. She barely could walk. I helped her back to bed and tucked her tight. Before I even finished saying I love you she was right back asleep. I am really not sure how long I stood there just watching her. I walked out of the bedroom and just went down to my knees in the hallway sobbing.

Pop came back shortly there after. When it came time for her medicine he wanted to go in and give it to her. I could hear everything because of the monitor. I could tell she was not waking up that well to take the pill. It is becoming hard to wake her for her medicine. One pill is placed under the tongue and has to dissolve. She falls right back to sleep before you can hand her the other pills. Pop walked out of the bedroom and went straight out the front door. I waited a few minutes before I went out to check on him. I found him leaning against the car just sobbing. We talked a little and told him to get in the car and go for a drive. Get out in this beautiful weather and breathe. He decided to do just that. Right before he left, Sarah surprised us with chips and a awesome dip( it's almost all gone Sarah) So Pop left and I sat outside with Sarah and little Claire for about ten minutes. Pop stayed gone for quite a bit and I was starting to become concerned but he walked in the door with a shopping bag grinning. Would not tell me what he bought and went straight to his office. Next thing I know he was coming in with framed pictures of mom. He has been taking old pictures of her and scanning them to a bigger size and close ups. He went out and bought some new frames for her pictures. Poor Pop, I have a feeling this house will be covered in Mom's pictures when he is done.

Pop is going down to Uncle Jimmy's to visit. Three of Mom's cousins drove in today from Georgia to see Mom. They should be pulling in Uncle Jimmy's driveway any minute now. They will be over here tomorrow to see her. I know its going to be quite a shock for them. Tomorrow is the original date the party was planned. I am so very thankful I moved the date up.

Please keep Mom in your prayers. Pray for Pop as well to stay strong. His heart is breaking over this.

One day at a time...................