Pop's Birthday!!!!

I had meant to write about Dads upcoming birthday in my earlier post but vented a little and forgot to. Maybe better that my dear Pop gets his own special post.

Pop is turning 70 on Wednesday!!! 70!!! My mom had told me in January she wanted to throw him a big party to celebrate and so sad she is not able to still do that for him. Mom usually only asks what day of the week it is so she had no idea his birthday is Wednesday. I think it would hurt her terribly to know.

I have asked Pop if he would like me to set up a dinner party for him out some where and invite whoever he wished. He said no, he wanted to be home with Mom and I. I asked him if he wanted a special meal that I could cook or carry out from somewhere. So far he keeps saying he has no idea.

Kathy Lynn and Michelle put a birthday card on his desk before they left and when he found it, he loved it. I am asking everyone to send him a card, call him, ask to take him out for birthday dessert.. whatever you can think of. Turning 70 is huge foe him and I am so sorry I was not able to have a big party for him.

With everything going on with my Mom, I have a feeling some may have forgotten about his special day so please keep in mind it is Wednesday. It is his special day and I do want him to smile and enjoy it.

Dana, my moms dear friend and a wonderful person was here today. She has been amazing to us. She surprised my Pop with a plane ticket today. He can fly anywhere in the US. He was so touched by this gracious and generous gift. he is going to use it to fly to Canada to see one of his best friends. It was not for his birthday, it was just because. My Pop is going to need many of those just because gifts. Gifts meaning.. a phone call, a offer of lunch, a offer to go see a game, anything. But I am asking everyone to please help me give him many reasons to smile on Wednesday and enjoy turning 70.

One hour at a time.....

Could sleep for Days..........

Only yesterday I had Kathy Lynn and Michelle here. We had a houseful in the morning. By late afternoon Pop had taken Kathy and Michelle to the airport and I was in a quiet empty house. It is easy to not focus on what is happening here when we have a houseful of loved ones. Uncle Jimmy and "the crew" put in a new garage door opener for Pop and trimmed the lawn. Kevin and Toni stopped by with a box of doughnuts. Tara came with Aiden and Ava along with food for Pop and I. She brought a key lime pie that is to die for. The morning was good and I enjoyed having everyone here. But as soon as they had left and Pop drove off with Kathy and Michelle, the waterworks started and I went to take a nap as soon as Pop got home. I have been sad ever since.

Mom had a rough night. She is hallucinating more and more. Last night I heard her three different times talking to someone. Once she thought she was talking to Connie at Acosta about a promotion file. I promised her Connie already had it and she did not need to worry about work. She was very concerned about it and insisted she needed to get to work. I told her she did not need to go to work today. She softly said thank you and fell back asleep. Another time I walked in and she was talking to American Express about her credit card. She thought she was on the phone with them. I told her Pop had taken care of it and she then turned her head and continued talking to them and let them know Pop had taken care of the bill. So hard to watch her go through this. Around 3am she called out my name and I ran in. She had to use the bathroom. Pop now sleeps with his door closed and mom wanted to get up right then. No time to get Pop to help me and I thought I could handle it. Hardest time we had. She was completely putting all weight on me. I kept yelling for Pop but he could not hear me. Finally get her back in bed and she starts throwing up, I am really yelling for Pop at this point. I finally get her back in bed and open Pops door telling him I need help. He got wet washcloths while I got her medicine. He has promised not to close his door tonight.

I fell asleep on the couch for a couple of hours around 6am. I went to my room around 11am to take a nap. Pop woke me at 2pm. Dana and Gregory were here keeping mom company. Dana has been so sweet to us.

I have decided to not work Thursday this week. I just cant seem to leave this house. Moms toes are turning purple. Her hands and feet are so cold. I do still believe she is sleeping pain free. That is so important to me. It is hard enough to watch what is happening but if I knew she was in pain it would be too much.

Aunt Thelma will be here Wednesday or Thursday. Thank Goodness!!

I have gone back and forth about writing today. I started this blog as a way to let family and friends know updates as well as a way for me to cope. The blog has helped me, I do find I write often and especially when I am struggling. However, the blog has caused a few problems as well. While it is not a problem, someone told my Pop about the blog. I have stated from the beginning I wished for him not to know about it. I have vented about him on here and never would want him to think I was disappointed or upset with him. He does not completely understand what the blog is so at least whoever told him did not tell him how to access it. I do not know who told him but wish it would not have come up. This blog has also caused people to question who I am as a person as well as how I feel about people. Right to the point, some feel I am coming off as a bitch. I should not have to defend myself or my actions but while I try to act as though I do not worry about what others think, it does bother me. I have said from the beginning that no one should judge me or have their feelings hurt by who I have been depending on through this. It does not mean I do not like or love you, I just have those that I have always been close to and should not surprise anyone that those are who I go to. If anything you should just be happy that I do have those who are my rocks and give me strength along with laughter. I am not ready to stop writing this blog but I am coming to close.

One hour at a time......

Gooney and Burke along with a turtle

We had a nice night on Friday. Anne, Greg, Pop, Scottie, Kathy Lynn, Michelle, and I watched the Cardinal game. Everyone went home after the game. Kathy Lynn, Michelle, and I sat outside the rest of the evening and talked. We had the raccoons come visit a few times. Finally we went to bed ta 3am. We did not mean to stay up so late but it seems Kathy Lynn and I always do so.



Kathy Lynn woke up early on Saturday and I did not hear her get up. I finally slept deep which I knew I would with her here. I felt someone lay beside with me and rolled over and found Uncle Jimmy just laying there. I smiled and hugged him. He said "Hey sleepy" Then said" I just don't know what we are going to do" Kissed my forehead and told me to get a little more sleep. Kathy Lynn came down a bit later to wake me.

We had a full day. Pastor Ryan came over and Mom had her communion. She was not able to eat or drink but Pastor Ryan placed the wafer/wine on her lips. We had a emotional but much needed talk with Mom while Ryan was here. Pastor Ryan was incredible. His words and sweet nature were exactly what Pop, Mom, and I needed. Pastor Ryan told Mom about her very special place in Heaven. I finally told her what I knew I had to say but did not have strength to do until Ryan was here. I told her it was ok to go and I promised I would take care of Pop. She smiled softly and said "I know Sweetie'"

Day continued on and more visitors. My second Mom and Dad came by with a huge plate of lunch meat and bread. Kathy Lynn and Michelle were excited to meet Roger and Janie after spending time with Anne on Friday.

Last night my cousin Julie and Timmy came. I have found I am growing stronger as people come out of Moms room. I usually am waiting with tissues and hugs. Kathy Lynn and I had run to the store when they arrived but got back in time that I was here when Timmy left the room. This one broke my heart. Oh that face and he just laid his head on my shoulder with tears. I know he is not my little Timmy anymore but to me he is my little Timmy, sweet Timmy. We had a great dinner that luckily I was here to cook. Just ask Michelle or Kathy Lynn who did all the work this weekend :)

Michelle went to bed early and this morning is at church with Pop. Kathy Lynn and I stayed up late but up and ready for our breakfast. We sat outside last night and had 4 raccoons. We had another great talk which included human turtles and many laughs :) Love you Kathy Lynn

Michelle and Kathy leave today and I dread it. I know this house will feel empty soon but Kathy will be back. I have had many things to write about this busy weekend but have not had many chances to sit and write away.

The title is a special one for my Kathy Lynn....thank goodness I like her :) ha


One hour at a time.......

What a Full Morning

I finally went back to bed after 5am and was able to fall asleep. Anne did not even wake up as I curled myself up against her back. 8am and my phone begins to ring, at first I wanted to ignore it but saw it was my cousin Jim and that is one person I do not ignore. He told me he was on his way, to get up and he would stop and grab me coffee. I told Anne to stay in bed and sleep more. Came upstairs to start cleaning the kitchen while I wait for Jim and my mom's great friend Dana called and said she was on her way. Anne suddenly is in kitchen with offers to help clean. Jim comes and next thing I know Anne is polishing the furniture, Jim .... well Jim turned into Mr. Clean. He swept the front porch, cleaned the glass front door, swept out the garage, vacuumed downstairs, steam cleaned the carpets upstairs... I have the best friends and family.

Dana brought a beautiful picture her daughter painted for mom. A big sunshine with a happy face. She told Dana it was the happiest picture ever. Dana hung it on the wall mom is facing :)

Tara Rose came by on her lunch hour and mom was excited to see her. She had her three daughters in the room with her.

Her wonderful and dear friend Colleen was just here. She is also my adopted Grandma. I know it meant so much to Mom that she had so many wonderful visitors today and still more are coming!!!

Anne has spoiled me by blow drying my hair. I tell you, there is nothing more that can relax me like someone blow drying my hair. I love it. Whenever I was sick, my mom would always blow dry my hair. Maybe that's where it started.

Pop should be at the airport now to pick up Kathy Lynn and Michelle. I cant wait.

While it is a sad day, I am feeling strong. I have been surrounded all day by our wonderful family and friends. I know I am going to be okay. I know Pop is going to be okay. We are truly blessed with the best family and friends. Outpouring love has been in this house and it means so much to Pop and I.

One hour at a time....

Not Ready

4am and awake again. Anne is here sound asleep and I should be asleep next to her. My dear Anne came over to spend the night with us tonight. I went into work today as planned. Went in at 3pm and was walking to my car crying at 5pm. Kim (moms nurse) who came by to visit yesterday, came up to MRI to find me. We talked about 15 minutes and she told me what she saw yesterday with mom. I am not going to write too much detail here. I will say I worked about a half hour more after talking to her but completely broke down at work and came home. I needed to be here. I have already found someone to cover my shift on Tuesday. I will not leave this house for a couple of days.

I came home and talked to Pop about what Kim said. We decided to call some family and friends to come see Mom. I called Anne and she came right over to stay with us tonight. Anne and I gave Mom a bed bath followed by a leg massage with her favorite lotion.

Pop and I both needed Anne here tonight. She and I went to pick up dinner for us and she got Pop a bag of M&M's. Watched the Cards game from this afternoon together. Pop went on to bed and Anne and I snuggled under blankets to watch Project Runway. She made me laugh which I needed. I thought after the news today I would not laugh for a long time but Anne always can make me laugh.

Kathy Lynn will be here in about 10 hours. I know I should go back downstairs and try to sleep. I did fall asleep with Anne but only for two hours. I just stare at that monitor listening to Mom breathe.

News today was hard. I will say if you want to see Mom, you should come this weekend. I am not ready for what is coming. I will try to stay strong for my Pop because he will need me. I know I am surrounded by love from so many. We will find a way to get through this.

One hour at a time...........

Not a Grandma

I was sitting in the room with mom watching her sleep when the doorbell rang. I was very happy to find on our front porch Kim!!! Kim is our angel nurse. She grew very attached to mom and our family while Mom had treatment at MoBap. Mom adores her, my Pop loves her, and I just think she is the best nurse I know. She lives near us so has been over to see Mom. Minute I opened the door she asked what was wrong. Told her about the confusion and we went straight back to see her.

Pop came home while Kim was visiting and all of us were in Moms room. Wiggles once again would not leave Moms bed but was demanding attention from Kim. My cat Georgia came in the room and jumped on my lap. Kim made a comment about Georgia and I said something about Georgia and Savannah being Moms grand kitties. Mom started calling Georgia her grand kitty the first day I got her while living in Texas, Mom even mailed her a gift. For Christmas, Mom brought over presents for them. You get the idea. So Kim said to Mom, "you have two grand kitties"

Mom opened her eyes and looked so sad and spoke in this soft voice "No, no no I have no grand kids"
Tears are welling in my eyes and Kim tried to help by saying "Bernice you have Georgia and Savannah. Mom made a grunt laugh and said no. "I want grandchildren and she never gave me any"

I don't know what was said after that. I left the room and sat on the porch crying my eyes out. I hate this. I hate that there is still so much I want her to be a part of. I always knew she wanted to be a grandma. Anyone who knows her, knows that. She would be the best grandma. I just cant believe she said that. I know my Pop thinks its odd that I am 30 and not married. Seems all my friends are married with kids. I had my chance at a time but it was the wrong guy and the wrong time. Now I wonder if I made the right choice by walking away. At this point I could have made her a grandma. The shit that you begin to think about at a time like this.

Kim stayed around and talked to Pop and I awhile. Let Pop know the confusion would grow and the hallucinating would become worse. Not what you want to hear but I knew that.

Pop is already in bed and once again here I am. Monitor right in front of me and just listening to her sleep.

One day at a time....

Sleep at last...

I was able to sleep about 5 hours yesterday but woke up quite a bit. Thought I would be good to go for a couple of more days. Last night I found my eyes growing heavy around 4am but still made it. Was quite upset still about what Mom had said to me. Pop came in about 8am. Around 9:30 he told me to go downstairs and sleep. I told him to wake me up in two hours, I would be fine after two hours.

I woke up a half hour ago. Its 3pm!!!! Pop did not wake me, he said he walked down a few times and I was just sleeping too good. Guess I did need more than the 5 hours yesterday. While I was sleeping, we had visitors. Our great friend Dana came by. She spoiled me last week with a pedicure gift card (I need to go use that this week) and today a Starbucks card!!! Woo-hoo. Gave Dad a bread company gift card. She has always been so sweet to our family and we just love her. Mom and her grew close at Pillsbury and Mom is actually her sons Godmother. Uncle Jimmy came by, upset I missed him. I have been wanting a Uncle Jimmy hug for a few days now. The Chaplain came from Hospice and Pop said it was a nice talk.

Pop told me Mom was hallucinating quite a bit earlier today. I think that has him pretty upset. But it is so very hard to see. As soon as I woke up, Pop was basically out the door. He said he had errands to go run. I think he just does not want to be here anymore. I know its hard on him.

Wiggles is still on the bed with Mom. She will not leave. Usually each time you walk in Wiggles meows at you and watches every thing you do to Mom.

Friday will not be here soon enough. I cant for Kathy Lynn to be here!!

One day at a time.....

2009

I absolutely hate this year. It is the worst year I have ever had and hope I never come close to have another like it. Year started off heartbreaking when Drew and I broke up and then we find out for a unexplainable reason my Mom is sick.

I was able to fall asleep on the couch this morning about 5am. I was not comfortable with going downstairs to my room. The monitor has been a huge help but at the same time if I hear one noise I am running in to check on her. Most of the time its one of the cats jumping on her bed. Wiggles rarely leaves her bed anymore. Pop woke me up and told me he needed help. Once trying to assist her to the bathroom was hard. I had decided to go to work today so Pop told me to go down to my room and sleep for two more hours. He woke me when the Hospice nurse arrived.

Pop's two nieces stayed with him and Mom today while I went to work. I did not want to leave.

Mom has become confused and is hallucinating. This is very hard to watch. Over the years at work I have dealt with this behavior but not the same when it is your Mom. At times she will take her meds and fall right back asleep but then we have the moments where she is upset we woke her. I hate to wake her if she is comfortable but at the same time certain meds are helping ease her pain and make her able to sleep.

A hour ago I went to give her some meds. I am not sure she knew who I was. Eye contact is becoming harder. I told her what I was giving her and placed the pill in her mouth followed by the straw. She would not take the water and I said "Mom please take a sip"
She pushed my hand away and said "You are being a little B"
She did take the water and I covered her back up and made my way into the hallway before the tears came. She called me a B. If you know my mom, you know she spells her curse words. She was calling me a bitch and it broke my heart. My mom has never spoke to me that way. Never my mom. I am not sure what hurt more...that she called me that but knowing she is confused or that she called me a bitch in her way. Still being my mom by saying "B"

Pop went to bed about 9:30pm. He asked if I was going to handle the night shift. I said of course and he put his head down. Told me he was sorry that I have not really had sleep in the last 5 days. My body is adjusting to it and I have to do it. I just have to do this for her.

I hate this confusion and I hate not being able to talk to her. I hope I have no memory of these last few days, I hate them.

My coworkers were great today just like always. At this point if I showed up and walked in the control room and cried my entire shift without working at all, I think they would just hand me tissues with a warm blanket. I did go today but I did call my Pop 3 times while I was there. I only worked 3pm-7pm. I saw Dr. Good looking aka Dr. Gorgeous aka Dr. I get nervous around you aka Dr. Why do you have to be happily married with three kids. Great guy and he was the one who performed Moms biopsy so he has a soft spot for me now. Has given me great advice over the months and always asks about her. Today he was more concerned about me. Told me in a very polite but serious way that basically I look like hell and I need to start taking care of myself. He is right. Hair just thrown up on my head, will not even get on a scale and see what I have gained, and I basically look like a raccoon from lack of sleep and tears.

My cousins Kathy Lynn and Michelle fly in Friday from Georgia. Can only stay the weekend and I know its going to be hard to let Kathy Lynn go back. She is my rock. My cousin on my Pops side is getting married on Saturday. I want to go and celebrate this beautiful day with her but just not sure I will be able to go. I would still need to go buy a dress and I will not even leave the house right now to run down the road for a diet coke. Pop is leaving more and more during the day. I am ok with that. I just wish he was going out to lunch with someone or talking with someone about all this.

I am getting better and better about calling people and answering the phone. Times like this it is hard. 1:30 am and who can you really call to talk. I did text my .. well I call him my "crush" a bit ago. He always has a reply that makes me smile. He called back though and was having a good time out. I think I made him feel bad because I said something along the lines of I just wanted a reason to smile and that tonight was rough. I felt bad that in the middle of his fun night out he had me aka debbie downer text. I hate that I am that person now. I was always the "fun" one. Always ready to go out, always with a smile. Now I only feel like going to a few friends houses and show up in scrub pants and a tshirt. Since Sunday I will not leave her at all.

I hate 2009. I really hate that today in the gift shop at work I noticed they had Halloween decor out. Holidays are fast approaching. What are Pop and I going to do?

One hour at a time...............

A Few Peaches

Mom just had a visit from four of her cousins from Georgia. They drove up to see her and so glad they made the trip. Marie, Debra Ann, Pam, and Jane all were here. They are staying with Uncle Jimmy and drive back to Georgia on Wednesday. Debra Ann went in to see her first and Mom knew it was her right away. Each time one came out of her room, my eyes welled up but I did not cry. It is just so hard to know what they must be feeling and I feel so bad they had to see her this way. But at the same time I am glad they could see her and say those important words..."I Love You"

Aunt JoAnn drove them over and she could tell I was having a bad day. She asked right away if I have been to see Scott and told her I have been over twice in the last 5 days just to cry to my big cousin.

The hospital bed is here and all ready for her. It is a twin bed and I put on a set of sheets Mom always liked. Little kitty cat pattern and they are very soft. She has not been up since this morning so just waiting for the right opportunity to try to get her in there. I asked once if she felt like changing beds and she said no. Hope I can do it still tonight and not middle of the night.

I have not been to bed yet. Starbucks saved me. Pop went in and had a two hour nap but he needed it. My cousin Dana called and volunteered to take a half day tomorrow so she will be here with my Pop when I go to work. I just worry about him being here alone if she has to get up. I am going in at 3pm but Dana said she would get here a little early because she wants me to sleep. ha. At this point I am growing so use to no sleep who knows if I will be able to. I have been going to bed at 5am and awake at 7am the last 4 nights.

I am back to One hour at a time.....

Lost

Completely lost. Lost in trying to understand how in the hell did we get here. Last night was rough. Very bad night. I went in at midnight to give Mom her medicine and it just turned into a awful night. Not sure I should write everything that happened because I don't want to make family and friends worry more than they already are.

I have had no problems with her taking her pills until last night. Pop has. Placed the pill in her mouth and started to place straw in for her sip of water and she started pushing me away. Would not open her mouth. Would not turn her head. Pop started to try to sit her up which I have told him not to do...1. Because he pushes on her back. 2. Because he is going to hurt himself. Pop and I are both trying to get her to take a sip of water to get that pill down. Then while I know he is just trying he asked if she had to use the bathroom. She had not been all day, no fluids going in plus I understand what her body is doing. Pop does not like this. So luckily I had the nurse have the pharmacy bring the beside toilet yesterday. Between that four poster bed, Mom being weak, Pop not understanding how to assist, and Mom basically just throwing her arms around my neck at the same time trying to lay on the floor, it was 30 minutes of trying to get her on the toilet and then back to bed. She did not have to use the restroom. It was a bad night.

After her last pill at 5am, I decided to lay down till Pop went to his workout. He woke me at 7am and here I am still awake. Mom and I had a rough two hours when he was gone. She had to get up twice to use the restroom. She is becoming ill towards Pop and me. Pushes us away when we try to help but then clings on. I did have her sit in the wheelchair so I could change the sheets. She asked if she could just lay on the floor. I was worried she was going to fall out of the wheelchair. I set a record for the fastest sheet change. As soon as I had her back in bed I called Hospice and told them we could not wait till Wednesday for the hospital bed, we needed it today. Pop came home while I was on the phone. Told him I was having the bed brought in today. Then I set off for the guest bedroom to move furniture and clean out the room. Two hours of sleep, frustrated with what is happening, and trying to move a desk while my side is killing me....my Pop walks in and asks what is for breakfast. I just started crying. Told him to go pick up Bob Evans, he asks if I would call and place the order! Really!!!! Really... sure, let me stop cleaning out the room to make space for the hospital bed and order you breakfast. So I somehow did not cuss him out and started down the hallway to order... then he decides he wants to see the menu, could I pull it up online.

I know I have slept probably a total of five hours in the last three-four days. I know I am stressed, worried, all around a mess. My side is acting up so I know I am crabby. Somehow I did not explode at him, he is turning into this lost almost childlike person. He wants me upstairs all the time, he does not want to be alone.

I am on the fence about calling my boss today. I am NOT comfortable at all with leaving Pop here with mom while I go to work tomorrow. Not even if I do the 3pm-7pm shift. No way could Pop have handled this morning if he was here alone.

New pain medicine is helping but asking nurse for pills that dissolve. Better for Mom.

Pop is heading out to the store now and I am waiting for the call to set up the delivery of the bed. Asked him to bring me back a Starbucks because I am exhausted. Not sure how much more I can take.

One day at a time,..........

Days all run together...

I almost feel as though Pop and I need to hang a board similar to what you may find in a first grade classroom where it tells you in huge letters what the day is. Pop is sleeping more than me and probably gets maybe 6 hours of sleep a night. I had a two hour nap today but besides that have not slept since yesterday for only 3 hours on the couch. I feel like a zombie but seems that is typical amount of sleep for me last few months.

Mom had finally told me what her pain level was yesterday. Pop and I have been asking her but could not get a answer. Not sure if the question confused her or she did not want to say. It was a 8. Not acceptable. Nurse came this morning and immediately called in a new pain medicine. Mom is now on three pain meds. Pop is having a hard time giving her medicine. He offered to give it to her at 7pm. I was in the living room and could hear everything on the monitor. I wanted to go right back there but at same time I know I had to wait for Pop to ask for my help. He came out about ten minutes later and asked me to help. I told him to watch what I do. I gently wake her, lift her head, place pills in her mouth, straw to mouth, lay her right back and cover her back up. Pop tends to go in and ask if she wants to sit up. Tries to place the pill in her hand and it just does not work anymore. While the nurse was here we had her order the hospital bed. It will be here Wednesday. I figured I could clean out the guest room tomorrow. Hoping Fadler is still coming and can help me move the desk. Tuesday I work and Pop wanted me here while the delivered it so Wednesday it is.

I feel awful about Mom's cousins. Four drove up here from Georgia and have not been here to see her yet. Pop told him he felt it was just too bad of a day and I hate to say but I agreed. I have been the one who never turns away people who want to see her. Pop does it all the time. I just hate her pain level is so high and hope the new med will help. I also feel so bad that they will see her like this. I think so many people expect to see the Bernice they know and love and others think she will look like she did the day of the party. I saw it in Fadlers eyes when he saw her on last week. I don't think you can prepare someone before they see her now. Hate to admit it but Pop and I each cry every time when leave her bedroom now.

Mom is now getting pills every two hours. I will be able to take a short nap around 10am after Dad gets home from his workout. Another night with no sleep. I honestly don't know how I am functioning. Starbucks is my new best friend and luckily 24 hour one right down the road.

Someone call Pop on Wednesday or Friday and ask to take him to lunch or dinner PLEASE!!!! He needs to get out and enjoy a meal out.

One day at a time.....................

She sleeps............

It seems that has become my answer to the question "how is your mom doing" I am handling the sleeping much better than Pop, he wants her to wake up so much. Last night we started the new pain pill. I had a little mini reunion with girls I went to grade school with. I had really wanted to go and after writing down the instructions for Pop and reviewing the instructions 5 times, I felt comfortable leaving for the evening. I know he is over-whelmed and I am really trying not to lose my patience with him. I told him I would call him at 8pm to remind him and make sure he understood the medicine. It seemed he understood but then asked me to call him back in 30 minutes because he wanted me on the phone while he gave her the medicine. sigh.....ok Pop. I go outside to call him back at 8:30pm, he then had to put me on speaker phone as he gave her the medicine. Yep, I have no idea why either so don't ask. This went on all night. I had to call back every 2-3 hours to listen to him give her the medicine. Oh Pop. The good news is she is tolerating this pain med. We were so worried because she is so sensitive to medication.

It seems each day is becoming harder than the day before. Pop and I each broke today. Pop had gone to see Uncle Bruce. I went in to check on mom and she wanted to use the bathroom. I ended up having to lift her off the bed. I really wanted to carry her to the bathroom but she wanted to walk. She barely could walk. I helped her back to bed and tucked her tight. Before I even finished saying I love you she was right back asleep. I am really not sure how long I stood there just watching her. I walked out of the bedroom and just went down to my knees in the hallway sobbing.

Pop came back shortly there after. When it came time for her medicine he wanted to go in and give it to her. I could hear everything because of the monitor. I could tell she was not waking up that well to take the pill. It is becoming hard to wake her for her medicine. One pill is placed under the tongue and has to dissolve. She falls right back to sleep before you can hand her the other pills. Pop walked out of the bedroom and went straight out the front door. I waited a few minutes before I went out to check on him. I found him leaning against the car just sobbing. We talked a little and told him to get in the car and go for a drive. Get out in this beautiful weather and breathe. He decided to do just that. Right before he left, Sarah surprised us with chips and a awesome dip( it's almost all gone Sarah) So Pop left and I sat outside with Sarah and little Claire for about ten minutes. Pop stayed gone for quite a bit and I was starting to become concerned but he walked in the door with a shopping bag grinning. Would not tell me what he bought and went straight to his office. Next thing I know he was coming in with framed pictures of mom. He has been taking old pictures of her and scanning them to a bigger size and close ups. He went out and bought some new frames for her pictures. Poor Pop, I have a feeling this house will be covered in Mom's pictures when he is done.

Pop is going down to Uncle Jimmy's to visit. Three of Mom's cousins drove in today from Georgia to see Mom. They should be pulling in Uncle Jimmy's driveway any minute now. They will be over here tomorrow to see her. I know its going to be quite a shock for them. Tomorrow is the original date the party was planned. I am so very thankful I moved the date up.

Please keep Mom in your prayers. Pray for Pop as well to stay strong. His heart is breaking over this.

One day at a time...................

I hate you Cancer

For those family members and close friends that have expressed they have a hard time reading about bad days, stop now and do not continue. This is a tough one guys.

Hospice nurse came. She was wonderful and I liked her right away. Mom heard the doorbell so I went to check on her and of course she wanted to come and go over the initial paperwork. She had been up earlier today when her good friend Dana stopped by. Dana brought homemade chicken soup for Mom, pulled pork for Pop and a gift card for me to go get a pedicure. She is just AWESOME!! I did not like the way Mom looked while Dana was here and had a bad feeling. Mom ended up getting quite sick. She had been asleep since until the nurse arrived.

We begin by going over Mom's health history... very short. She has always been so healthy, it was obvious the nurse was in shock of how healthy Mom was before all this. About five minutes in the conversation, I notice Mom is just not looking right. I stop and ask if she wants to go back to bed. Right away I heard her soft yes and I begin to help her up. She turns to the nurse and says in her little soft voice "It was nice to meet you, I hope to see you again" Never forgets her manners, my mom. I tuck her in and come back to finish the paperwork with nurse and Pop. I knew Pop was breaking, he was flustered and then she asked the question. Was Mom a DNR. Shit. Shit Shit. I know she has to know and I understand that. I glance to Pop and ask if I can go get the document, he broke. Oh did he break. He got up and went in his office. I apologized to this sweet nurse and she just patted my hand and told me it was ok. She then asked if I worked in the health care field, I said yes. She asked if I was a RN and I told her the brief story of starting an then switching to radiology and now I am confused. She grabbed my hand and said "Honey, you need to be a nurse. You are one, you need to go back"
Like I said, I liked her from the start.
Pop finally came back and he did bring the DNR paperwork. By that time, Caroline (nurse) and I were already discussing the hospital bed. Pop broke again, I explained that we could put a bed right next to it and he could still sleep by her. He looked at Caroline like a little boy and said "is that ok"
Oh man this was tough. Caroline was wonderful though and really talked to Pop. I found that I did not cry once. Not once. I sat there and reviewed everything, went over the meds, went over what pain meds worked and which made her ill. Then we began to talk about when and if Mom started to refuse meds or food. Caroline told us it is normal, that is usually the next step and we just need to make her comfortable and not push anything on her. I did not even have to look, I already knew Pop was crying once again.

Caroline asked to go in and see mom. Mom barely woke while she listened to her lungs. She turned and asked me if I had listened lately. I told her I pulled out my stethoscope 2 weeks ago and put it right back in the drawer after listening. She smiled sweetly and I knew she understood. She held Moms hand and told her to sleep and she would be praying for her. I wish she would be Moms nurse but she is the intake nurse.

She hugged us goodbye and then Pop asked. I was hoping he would not with all his crying already. I will not go into details to spare some tears I am already causing but her answer was if anyone wants to see Mom, they should do so now.

After she left, I told Pop to go see Uncle Jimmy or get ice cream. He would not leave. I laid down on the couch and watched Hells Kitchen on the computer with my phone on my chest just staring. Fadler had called earlier and told me he would call first before coming. He said he would be here before 6 and when the clock read 5:15, I wanted to cry thinking he is not coming. 2 minutes later, the doorbell rings and I have never jumped off the couch so fast. There is Fadler with a big bag of veggies from his garden and that sneaky smirk. He looked at Pop and I and just knew. "What are you two doing, whats for dinner.. Roger, you did not make this little shit cook"
I love how one person can make this house feel home again. I tell Fadler its better he just go in and see Mom while she is in bed and walk back with him. He walks in and her eyes start to open, that twinkle came back the minute she saw him. Man she has a soft spot for Fadler. I hear that boom voice "Hey Mom" and he leans right over to hug her. I left the room to give them some time alone. He stayed in there for about 15 minutes with her. I peeked in at one point and he had the chair right beside the bed just talking away.

I am not going to write if I have ever seen Fadler cry before. He would kill me. But it broke my heart when he came walking down the hall. Pop and I both were sitting in the kitchen. He walked over, flipped my hair around and had a seat. We began talking about Rugby. He is playing, Pop and I get a kick out of hearing Fadler's stories. This was more about the injuries he has caused.. to others of course.

I walked him out to the truck and then the tears came. I just started crying. I would not let go and just kept asking when are you coming back. He hugged me tight and said "Mom told me to take care of you" Oh like that was going to make me stop crying. He will be back Monday ...with good stories for Pop and I being that he has a rugby tournament this weekend.

After Fadler left, I once again tried to get Pop to go do something. He left a bit ago, would only say he needed to be alone and wanted to go for a drive.

This was a very hard day. Very hard on Pop. Mom continues to sleep. Pop is out driving. I am wishing my brother was still here or my cousin Jim or Scottie or Uncle Jimmy or cousin David... I need those big strong men in my life with those great hugs. I hate you cancer.. I really hate you.

One day at a time.........

First visit down now just wait till the Second which is also today!

Well, we just had our first official home visit from Hospice. The social worker came in and after talking to us called the nursing supervisor to have a nurse sent out today! Today! I know its the right decision and Pop agrees.

Mom was already standing up before the social worker was even out the door because she wanted to go back to bed. She did not say much, Pop got a little flustered and teary -eyed. Maybe it was Fadler calling me last night, I could still hear his voice and words but I sat there and answered all the questions without hesitation or tears.

So, now we wait till the nurse calls. She will most likely be here between 4-6pm. We decided not to take mom in for fluids today. Dr. felt it was not making that much of a difference and I agree. I think it wore her out more than helping her. I have a feeling the hospice nurse will give us some other options.

Mom's good friend Dana is bringing over some food today. Her son Greg is Mom's Godson and always makes her smile. He just has the sweetest way with her. Mom got very tickled when I told her Fadler would stop by today. It was nice to see her smile about having visitors.

One day at a time...............

My Big Brother

Maybe I have vented a little too much on this blog. Many are beginning to become distant from me and upset with some things I have wrote. I can say I never meant to hurt anyone but at the same time I am being very honest with my feelings.

Earlier tonight I found myself upstairs alone. Mom went to bed at 7pm. Pop followed her shortly there after. Did a load of laundry and found myself flipping channels. Of course sitting there alone my thoughts go to tomorrow morning and the fact that hospice will be here. My phone rang a few times and believe it or not I answered. Each person asked if they had woke me up. I guess they could not tell that I was awake and I was just little teary eyed and trying not to let on. Then my phone rings and I see its my big brother. I hear that loud voice and it takes Fadler a second to know I am crying. "Quit, talk to me, hows mom" Fadler always knows, he has always been one that I could never fool even with my best acting skills. This guy truly is like family to us. He came into our lives through my cousin and over the years he became family. When I was little( 16-24 ha) I just thought Fadler was the shit. Ehh, I still do. My mom grew attached to him and basically it was decided he was her "adopted son" He has called her mom over the years and loves her just as much.

Throughout our friendship, he has always been one constant figure in my life that tells me how it is and I listen. I always listen to peoples advice but when it comes to Fadler, he has a way that I do what he says and most of the time will not question it. He is always looking out for us. Mom really misses when he lived 5 minutes away because he was here weekly cutting the grass, helping dad move something, or just meeting my parents out for dinner. She spoiled him at macys more than me half the time.

He got right to the point tonight. Stop crying, get off the couch, and do something. He then said something that surprised me " Stop being mad at God, Mom would be so mad at you for that" I stuttered a bit and he said" I know you, I know you are mad, you need to stop that bullshit right now. Its not God that did this"

He gave me a good talking to and some things that others might be scared to say. I listened and found myself sitting up straighter and tears drying up. I feel my strength coming back and its because of his words. Plus I cant really say no to a 6'3 former marine, I mean look at the guy, would you say no... ha.

He is coming tomorrow to see our mom and bring her some veggies from his garden. I know I better be bright eyed and in a good mood when he gets here. He will make sure of that. I will say that God has blessed my parents and I with some pretty incredible people. Mom always wanted many children and I never wanted to be a only child. But I am not a only child and mom has three daughters and one son... I have the two best sisters in the world Tara and Anne and a big brother that will always tell me how it is.

One day at a time.........

Lingo

Mom and I are sitting here watching Lingo. She is in her recliner covered in blankets and a heating pad and I am wishing I had a fan right in front of me. We basically have the heat on in the house because she is so cold. I did not go to work today, just could not leave her. Normally, I do not mind going to work and do not go through the struggle of making my way out the door like I do for everything else.

Pop and I went to pick her up from the Dr office today where she has been getting her daily fluids. Her blood pressure was 64/42 when she arrived at the office. When Pop told me that, I called work and said I would be there Thursday. We have been back home for almost a hour now but happy she wanted to sit in the recliner rather than go to bed.

Hospice will be here at 9am tomorrow. Not sure how I feel about it. I know it will be great relief for her and a huge help but also know what it means.

Last four days have been rough in so many ways. Pop is starting to show his crying side again. He continues to walk up to me and ask what else we can do? Why is this happening? Why does she sleep so much? I am once again tearful and frustrated. Apparently a memo went out for everyone who has something to say to me to make me cry just a little bit more to send it via voicemail, text, and email the last three days. I will only write very little about this.... if you feel I am keeping you from my mom, grow some balls and come visit. I have never said no one is allowed here. If you have called and asked and my Pop or I said it was a bad day, its because it was a bad day. This does not mean we are keeping you from seeing her. If you feel I am writing negative things about you and only you on my blog, well I guess you are paranoid and feel guilt about something. Yes I do bitch on this blog but like I said from the beginning, its my form of getting it all out. If you feel you just don't know me anymore and never did, well I guess your right. The fact that maybe I have turned to some and not others, please just let me turn to those I feel comfortable with at this time. No, it does not mean I don't love you. If you are upset that I don't answer the phone and maybe feel as though I am being selfish, I am truly sorry. I am not trying to hurt anyone through all this. Right now I am just trying to get through each day and be there for my Mom and Pop.

I will write a update tomorrow after Hospice leaves.

One day at a time.............

Hot Banana Peppers

Mom has been eating more the last three days. On Thursday she had a steak burger from Steak-n-Shake and ate half. That was a lot for her and compared to what she had been eating. Last night after naming on about ten things I could cook she agreed to a grilled cheese. She ate half and quite a bit of HOT Banana Peppers. I had some with her and while the tears are streaming down my face she asks in her little voice "Are they too hot for you"

She already ate today, it was only half of a chicken sandwich but at least it was something. Been asleep in her chair ever since. Pop is really starting to have a hard time with her sleeping. He hates it. I do wish she was awake but at the same time while she is asleep, I know she is pain free.

I had my own Dr appt earlier this week. Not going to tell Mom about it. Not sure when I will tell Pop, I think it would be too upsetting for him. I knew the day after that my blood work was ugly. Dr. told me immediately she was going in some meds for me and that she had already put a call in for the specialist at Barnes. She just called me awhile ago. She hoped if she called me on a Saturday I would answer. (See people, I am bad at answering for just about everyone) Specialist wants me back at Barnes and repeat the surgery. It is my choice. I did see results after the last surgery but also know the risks and knew that since my case was "special" I may need a repeat. Went back and forth with my Dr about it. I finally said I would think about it and she snapped back "I know what that means" ha. She does know me pretty well. I know its going to get worse and my pain is coming back. I know what all that means. No way can I have this surgery right now, I would be in the hospital at least 3 days and afterwards I would be weak and not able to help mom. The stairs alone would kill me. Plus not to mention what would happen with work. Dr is not very happy with my decision but she also knows when I have my mind made up there is no changing it. I have agreed to come in once a week for blood work. I now have to keep my own pain level chart to show her. ughhhhhh.. Not going to tell Pop yet. This would just push him over the edge.

Pop and I are cleaning house today. He offered to go to the grocery store, I need to write the list in order of the isles at the store. I should just go myself but I think he wants to go. Last time he went, I bite my tongue while putting away the groceries. He did buy everything on the list but everything he brought was the grocery store own line. Even the spaghetti sauce. oh Pop.

One day at a time....

Driving miles to see Mom

Mom has been going back each day to the Dr's office for fluids. Her blood pressure was extremely low. Yesterday it was still around 71/48. Not good at all. We had her stop one of her meds and today it was around 109/72. Huge difference and a very good one. Uncle Jimmy was here yesterday while I went to work, he spent some time with Pop and went to pick mom up from from the Dr's office. He surprised us today (well surprised me and mom) and came over with Captain Jack!!!!!

So many ask if Uncle Jimmy is moms brother. We really know how to confuse people. Uncle Jimmy is actually my first cousin. He is mom's nephew. I began calling him Uncle Jimmy when I was little bc I would hear his sons call my mom Aunt so it just kinda happened and I have called him Uncle ever since. Captain Jack is Uncle Jimmy's brother. We call him Captain Jack bc of his rank in the Marines. So, that should explain to y'all who were confused.

So, Captain Jack drove all the way here to see mom. He left yesterday and stopped in Tenn and arrived in St. Louis late morning. He is driving back home tomorrow morning. Lots of miles to see his Aunt Bernice but it means so much. He and Uncle Jimmy did not stay long, they could tell she was tired but it meant so much for her to be able to hug Jack. I love when Uncle Jimmy is here, he makes me laugh and the house feels like a home again. Its amazing what one person can bring to a house, Uncle Jimmy, Captain Jack, Aunt Thelma, Jim, Kathy Lynn, Aunt Melba... they all have this way to make you feel loved and make this house feel alive again.

I think I might be out of my angry mood today. Last night I went to Tammi's for our Thursday night of wine and watching housewives. I have stuck with it and go each Thursday. I love it. Tammi's family went to grade school/church with mine. She is just a couple years older but she was one of the girls that I always thought was so cool. Has a great family and my parents always loved her parents. Lost touch over the years but like facebook has done for so many, we found each other. Tammi's family came to moms party and Mom was tickled to see them. Tammi told me that day that I should come out and spend some time with her. I did and now she is stuck with me every Thursday. My mom told her something at the party and she is keeping her promise to my mom. She has been a blessing. Anyway, had some laughs and too much wine last night but I did get out of my angry mood... at least for now.

I just might run down to Uncle Jimmy's tonight to hang out and get some good hugs.

One day at a time........

Pasta and Pinecones

My dear Sarah and her little princess Claire just left. Claire is 15 months and was a delight tonight. Sarah called and asked if she could bring Pop and I dinner, she was hoping Mom would also take a few bites. Claire came with her and was hysterical. She was so tickled to see the cats. Making so many giggles and shrieks of excitement. I picked her up to take her in to see mom but mom was in the bathroom. I knew right then Mom heard those cute noises and she was going to come in the living room. Claire and I came back out and are playing in the floor when here comes Mom. She look tired but her eyes were sparkling away to see little Claire walking, shrieking, giggling and being all around damn cute. She walked over to the fireplace and picked up a pine cone Mom has in this basket. She hands the pine cone to me and I say "Pine cone" I think we all almost fell over when Claire says right back "Pine cone" Claire said pine cone!!!!! Sarah was dying.

Claire could not get enough of the cats and simply loved my big fat cat Savannah. I am so kicking myself that I did not have my camera and I am sure Sarah is as well. Here is Claire kissing Savannah and then trying to sit on top of her and ride her. It was hysterical. Savannah just laid there like the sweet cat she is. Mom loved it! Claire made my mom smile more tonight than I have seen in weeks. She told us how much she loved waking to Claire's little voice. She is still up in the living room with us and now watching the Cards game.

I knew my entry yesterday would cause a stir. So I received quite a bit of emails about it. Let me say again, I realize that when some of you call my Pop tells you she does not feel up for visitors. I am talking to those who don't even call, to those that were suddenly here when all this started and have not heard from them in weeks. I am talking to those I feel could be calling to not only check on her but also check on my Pop. Tonight is a perfect example. Sarah calls and says I have dinner for you and your dad, its already packed up and I am on my way. She was thinking of Pop and I and it was so thoughtful. She was not here to see mom but was so glad she got to. Mom got up on her own, she heard Claire and wanted to see her. But like I said yesterday, I have amazing friends.

I should not have to name every single person that calls here. If you were hurt because I did not include your name in my entry yesterday, I am sorry. But give me a break people. You all have to realize I have so many emotions right now. I am hurt, pissed, sad, confused, the list could go on and on. My focus right now is my Mom and Pop. This blog is to give you updates on mom but also a way for me to get things out. If you do not like what you read then simply do not read it anymore.

I am going to sit down and enjoy some pasta with my Pop now. Thank you Sarah!!!! And a BIG THANKS to little sweet Claire for making laughter fill this house again.

One day at a time.............................

Honest Blog

Some may not want to read this entry and I am going to guess I will make some upset as well. I will start with the appointment today with mom's Dr. They gave her a bag of fluids and we will be going back each day this week for fluids. Going to small office in Sunset Hills and not the hospital. Same distance driving but less walking and faster to get her in and out.
Dr. basically told us it was in our hands now when to call hospice in. Pop did not break but I was worried to leave when I left for work today. I am not sure Pop will make the call, I have a feeling I will. I would rather hospice come in now and that way we would not have to take her to get fluids everyday. At the same time, it is so nice to have her leave the house but that is me being selfish. I hate that we have hit the point where all she does is stay in bed.

I was so excited for work last night. However when it came time to leave today, I called my boss and said I would be there when I got there. I am so lucky to have the boss and co-workers I do. I basically have a window to come in between 11-3pm each shift and leave at 7pm. I was very quiet at work today and co-workers picked up on it right away. I finally told Angela and Becky what was happening and that we got the green light for hospice.

Feeling pretty numb. Feeling pretty pissed too. I know mom wanted that party so she could see everyone. I know it was a time where she still felt well enough to see everyone and it was a great day. I am just going to say it. I know some are going to be hurt or pissed at me. I don't care, I care about two people right now and that's Mom and Pop. So many have told us when this all started they were going to be there. They were going to come see her. Where are you? Where? Uncle Jimmy and Aunt JoAnn are always wanting to come see her. Her very dear friends Donna and Harry call and ask to come. I admit right now she is so sick, she will not leave bed. I know she does not want to see people. How many of you know that though.? How many of you have called lately to check on her? How many of you that were going to be here once a week have actually been here at all? Yep I am saying all this, I am mad. Maybe I am mad about so much everything is coming out. Maybe I am wrong to write this but right now I am mad at you that have not been here. And I don't want calls or emails from you that ask if this entry was directed at you...if you feel a need to ask well there is your answer. Maybe she may not want visitors but what about Pop. We all know my Pop is not going to call and ask to get out, he needs you. My friends have been amazing...AMAZING! They always call, they always text, and they are always telling me to get out. Who is doing that for Pop? I wish Georgia family was here bc I know it would be different. She would let her sisters come. They would be checking on Dad. This entry is not directed at family in Georgia. I would like you each to think about what Mom and Pop have done for you in your life. I am sure it was quite a bit. Where are you now? Be mad at me for writing, stay mad if you need to. I am the one who said it. Its not coming from them.

I also realize I am back in my angry mode. I am very pissed this is all happening. Maybe I am directing my angry at the wrong things. I am feeling so many emotions right now. I am pissed and I am hurt and just hate this. I just wish it would all go away. I wish I had one day with her again...one of our days filled with shopping, lunch, and so much laughter. I am pissed I will never have that day again. I am just pissed at it all.

I better stop writing before I have every one hating me for my very pissed off mood and who knows what else I may write at this point.

One day at a time...............

More Pictures

Pop finally finished the pictures from Mom's party. I guess he finished yesterday after he finished his "helpful project" on my birthday pictures. ha.

Once again I will post the link that will allow ya'll to view them on facebook. Short update...she slept on the couch after the recliner till 4pm. Got up and went straight to bed. Will not get up. While she was sleeping on the sofa, I sat on the love seat and pretty sure I stared at her for about a hour. At one point I started sneezing and kept waiting for her to say "Carrie, go take something before you get sick" She always tells me to take something if she hears me sneeze even once. She never said a word and slept. I cried. I cried because I sneezed and my mom did not tell me to take something. Am I a little emotional?

Here's the both links, two different albums. One day at a time....

http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=21486&id=1608546076&l=a69b7e4eef


http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=21482&id=1608546076&l=d3163f432f

Thank You Noah Wyle

Mom has not really left her bed in a couple of days. She has stopped taking the chemo pill. Since she started taking it, her pain level increased and she had no appetite. Hoping now she will regain her appetite. Pop and I are still having her take pain meds every four hours. I am not sure how I am making it each day on 3-4 hours of sleep but somehow has not caught up with me yet.

Mom has been different this last week. I can tell she is drained and just done with all this. That sparkle in her eyes is hard to see. I don't want to think its completely gone. Mostly spends all her time in bed and does not say much to Pop or me. It is so hard to watch...

I finally have her sitting up in her recliner right now. This morning I went to get her a biscuit (she had three bites) and told her there was a movie on with Noah Wyle. She loves him so she sat down to watch it. I think she maybe watched 5 minutes before falling asleep. Sound asleep in her recliner but at least she is out of her bed.

Pop is still doing great but on my last nerve. He is trying so hard to stay upbeat and make me smile. I love him for it but he is going overboard. Yesterday I spent the late afternoon cleaning and turned to find him behind me almost every 5 minutes. It was either asking if he could help, what I was going to do next, did I want to watch a movie, had I ever seen this picture, and then he went one too far. In the middle of cleaning the bathroom he comes in just grinning with a stack of photos..... He went and printed a new set of pictures from my 30th birthday party and had cut my ex out of every picture that he was in. Here I am scrubbing the shower and he is standing there showing me picture after picture just smiling thinking he just did a great thing. I still am not sure if I want to smack him or hug him for doing that.

I know it is a short update and wish it could be better news.


One day at a time.....

Night Shift

We are now trying to have Mom take a pain pill every three hours. She is being stubborn during the day but will take them during the night. So the last two nights have been 5am bedtime for me. Its worth it because I know making sure she has the pills help her sleep soundly.

I was hoping today we could go for a short drive around Elk Park or just around the block but not going to happen. She is back in bed. Mom has been trying to stay awake during the day but some days will just not allow her to do so.

Pop cooked eggs and bacon for her but was disappointed in her one bite of each. We are both plotting lunch now hoping we can get her to eat. Her appetite had increased and she was doing so good but the last couple weeks it is back to tiny bites.

I am off today. Still only working two days a week with all this. I feel like I should leave and go do something while she is sleeping but find myself once again with no motivation plus guilt of leaving.

One hour at a time......

A few pics....

Not sure if this will work for all of you. Pop finally made one disc of pictures from the party. I am a facebook junkie( I know, but its addicting) so album on there. Here is hopefully the link to view http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=21145&id=1608546076&l=fa705bde80

Pop is working on another disc now with pics from every one signing the guest book.

Short update... Kathy Lynn talked me out of my funk! Work was busy today and was great for me. Mom stayed up till after nine watching the Cards game, she tried so hard to stay awake for it all but did not see the win. I am staying awake again tonight for the night shift of pain meds. She is now getting pain pill every three hours. No sleep last night for me but its worth it knowing she is sleeping. Next one due at 1am so I can tell her about the cards and what she missed.

I am calling Anne and Tara tomorrow, I have been awful with my phone last few days and they are over due for calls. I have been awful with everyone over not answering. I am sorry to all. Funk has passed, I promise.

One hour at a time... (Dana, I increased to a hour )

Confined to basement and no longer the Strong one

Here comes the honesty again. To all those that have called the last couple of days and I hear my dad say "Well, its not a great day but only because she did not sleep last night" well.... that's my Pop now being the strong one. Last few days have been awful. She is in pain all over even in her legs. She barely has the strength to get down the hall. Somehow she is being a trooper by sitting in the recliner during the day rather than just stay in bed. I don't know where she gets that strength.

During all this every time I talk to a family member or family friend, I am always asked "how is your dad" My response has always been "he is a mess" Pop was a mess, he was breaking down all the time, stressed out, and just did not know how to handle it. I was the strong one who was able to talk about it, who talked during the Dr. appts, and who just did not cry in front of mom. Pop and I have completely switched roles the last few days. We each have our bad days or days that I refer to as Pop broke today. Well I have been broken for the last four days. I am crying non-stop. I simply look at mom and tears just well up. She looks so frail and in so much pain. It does not help that I had a fever Saturday night and still have cold symptoms so I have tried to stay away from her. Being sick and in a basement can make anyone sad I guess. I should not act like its a dark unfinished basement. Its like my own little place down here but I have the lights off in my room with nothing but crap tv on. I am so proud of Pop for being the strong one, I just cant do it anymore. Hopefully this will pass and I will reemerge with that smile on my face and hugging mom. Right now I can't stop the tears when I see her.

I work tomorrow so I hope that will lift my spirits a bit. I know I have to get out of this funk for mom but can't seem to do it alone this time.

I usually end each entry with One day at a time but this one will be different. My dear cousin Dana gave me some great advice while she was here from Georgia. If it can only be one hour at a time that I stay in control, then take it one hour. She told me this while we were setting up the picture boards for moms party. I joked it would not be a hour more like 15 minutes.

So Dana... 15 minutes at a time.....................