Scrooge

Writing again on this blog. According to some books I am reading this is great therapy for me dealing with the aftermath. I will go with it and try. I think at this point many have stopped reading the blog bc well, no new updates concerning mom. Just me rambling about how hard it is and who really wants to read all that. I start a grief support group Wednesday. Pop has been going to two different ones and I knew I needed to give it a try. Its called Motherless Daughters and is made up of adult women who lost their moms. Can you even imagine the amount of tissues used at this meeting? I know it may help and if nothing else I will be surrounded by other women who probably miss their moms as much as I do.

So with that little tiny update about how we are doing....one of the steps to try to get through the holidays is remember. Why this will make me feel better, I don't know. Instead I have found it did the opposite and made me think of everything I will miss this holiday season. I have turned into Scrooge. I have seen trees up in peoples windows and honestly it makes me sick. So here is what I will miss.....

- The discussion of Black Friday starting Nov. 1. Where will we go? What we will look for? And then we end up at Bread Company bc lines are too long and we say never again.
- Getting phone calls during Nov and Dec about what she will make for Christmas Open House. Coming over to the house and she would have new recipes covering the counter. Then open House rolls around and she would not have made any new recipes and just stuck to what she knew.
-Watching my Pop run to the basement day of Open House bc he claimed she turned into a Hyatt. It was the one day if you were hiding in a closet and she did not know you were here that she would cuss like crazy, the minute the doorbell rang she turned back into the women we all loved and adored. There...now you all know a big secret.
-Listening to her frantic phone calls about where she had hid gifts. She was always worried Pop would find out how much she bought and who she bought for. She was known to forget where she had hidden gifts and instead of really looking, she would just go buy more. Literally drove my Pop insane.
-She still put presents under the tree from Santa. Signed the gift tag and all.
-That she would always look forward to playing the dice game at Uncle Jimmy's and do her famous dance if she won money.
-How excited she would get every Christmas morning about drinking mimosa's. Pop would roll his eyes bc he knew it would just take one and she would be buzzed at 8 in the morning and sure enough that is what would happen.
-Every time we went shopping and I would point at something I liked. I got either two reactions...the deer in the headlight look meaning she already had bought it for me (she knew me too well) or I heard why do you go look over there for a bit meaning she was going to buy it and really thought I would have no idea.
-That she bought my cats Christmas presents. One from Grandma and one from Santa. Yes, she really did.
-the fact that she could look at each homemade ornament on her tree and tell you where I made it, what year I made it and probably even what outfit I had one while making it.
-She would get more excited than a 5 year old over Christmas lights.
-Her pumpkin pie
-She would ask all week long what I was wearing Christmas Day, I always had no idea. Santa would always have a gift under the tree that the moment I opened it, I would hear"You could wear that today"
-The night I would come over to help decorate the tree. We would play Christmas music and drive my Pop insane. She always complained he never put enough lights on the tree, he would disappear to his office the rest of the night.
-I pretty much knew if I was living in St. Louis to make no plans for any Saturday during the month of Nov or Dec bc we would shop all day.
-Her cheesy potatoes


Too many to write and tears have arrived.
As far as I am concerned, holidays are cancelled.

2 months

How can it already be two months????? When does it start to get easier??

So here I am again writing on this blog. Pop is going to weekly grief meetings and I am avoiding it all. I was doing better last month than now. Maybe its the fact the diet coke cans already have snowflakes on them or stores have Christmas crap all over the place. Halloween was hard enough without her. How in the hell do Pop and I handle Thanksgiving and Christmas?

I left my job. Maybe I was not ready to go back or maybe the fact I was dealing with patients from the cancer center every shift did it. I just could not face it another day. Some may say it was good to work now and get me out but I just could not take another patient from the cancer center.

I still have been spending most time with my cousins. Over the Halloween weekend I did go out with my dear Anne who made me laugh every chance she had. Anne also gave me the most beautiful gift, I was able to hear Moms voice. Anne kept a voicemail mom left her and I finally was ready to hear it. I listened twice before handing the phone back, I could have just laid down and put it on repeat all night.

I am still struggling with people in my life. Still those that feel I have changed too much and tired of my ongoing mood changes. Still those that feel I am not myself. I have sat back and tried to view their points but at same time wonder if they have done the same for me. Sad what times like this brings to light.

I miss her more each day and wonder when that time comes where it will become easier. I hope soon

I love you Mom