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Sunday, May 31, 2009

Sometimes you just have to scream

I am pissed off!! That sums up how I am feeling today and yesterday, I am just one pissed off gal.

Here is what lead to me being PISSED OFF!. For some reason the more I write that the better I feel. Anyway, yesterday I go over to parents at 9am. My dad wanted to go run around with his friend and I was going to stay with mom. She was dressed when I got there which made me smile and she told me she was hungry for a salad. (I know, 9am and a salad but hey she was going to eat) So mom and I go to Bread company... where else do you get a salad at 9am. I was disappointed in how much she ate. Not even close to half. She looked exhausted so I wanted to get her home but she made the comment it felt nice to be out. She said"Carrie if you have anywhere you want to go, I can just wait in the car" Oh my dear sweet mother. I suggested we drive around Elk Park and then go home. She smiled and right away agreed. She loves that park as much as me. But, rainy morning and we did not see anything. I get her home and snuggled in and she slept all day.

Came home around three or so and walked into the leasing office. This is where I get pissed. I was suppose to hear from them on Friday about how they were willingly to work with me on breaking my lease. Let me say this first, I LOVE my apartment. Anyone who has been here raves about this place. I have referred a family member and friend here. I brag about this place. New owners came in last year and things started to go downhill. The manager in the leasing office left two weeks ago. I loved her, she gave me my cat Savannah. I know if she was still here and the old owners were still here this would not be happening.

So, I walk in and the guy looks at me like he has never seen me before even though I have talked to him three times this past week. I take a breath and try to act polite and say"any news on my lease"

"oh.. uhhhh...your lease? Oh right you are the one with the sick mom"

OK... right there I really wanted to take the big gulp he was sucking on and remove the straw and stick it in countless holes in his body. Instead.....

"Yes, so is there any news"

"Yep, got a email from the owners. They feel they can not distinguish what a crisis is or is not. So you have to follow the lease. Thirty day written notice with rent amount. Two additional months to break the lease and we keep deposit"

I at this moment try to hold back tears and then I just get pissed. Those of you who know me know I have a temper when I really get pissed. Takes something big but bad temper. The bitch in me has been asleep for about two years and that guy just woke her up. I stared for a moment before I spoke. I was trying to decide if I should just mumble OK and walk out the door before I would lose my temper but then all of a sudden words were flying out like crazy.

I went on to tell him I had letters from Dr., the cancer center, the social worker. I asked him if he had a mother at one point. And I really went on about what a "crisis" is. I continued to let him know what a ass I thought he and the owners were. I let him know I would never refer another person here, I was going to write reviews on every apartment online search. That my plan was to move back after mom... and I now would never come back. I just went off.

Was it the right thing to do?? Probably not, but he just happened to push me too close to the edge. Its been building up. I have been pissed that this is happening. I am pissed my mom is sick. I am pissed that my dad can't handle it. I am pissed I am having to take over my Uncle and no one is helping. I am pissed that pharmaceutical companies are making a fortune off people like my mom who are paying 200 for one medication. I am pissed at the guy that has radiation the same time as mom, he walks in alone, smiling, and looking all healthy. There is mom who is so worn out from the walk down the hall she barely makes it to the chair. I am pissed at a friend who claimed to always be there and since mom has been sick not one phone call. I am pissed that I feel so alone in this ( I know many of you call, text, email offers of support, don't take offense) I am pissed that this apartment complex feels I have no justified reason to break my lease.

So, its been building up. I wish I could say I felt better after yelling at him. Not at all. Felt good to scream a bit but not better. Still pissed, still sad, and problem was not solved. If mom heard this, she would tell me I should have counted to ten and walked away. I love that when she gets really mad she can count to ten and its gone. I never count to ten, I end up counting to fifty or higher. But like we all know mom is just a special person.

I guess I have hit the angry stage. Might just last a couple of days or might last a couple of weeks. Thank goodness I never sold that punching bag!!

Friday, May 29, 2009

Best Memory???

I was at work yesterday and ran into the Radiologist who performed my mom's biopsy of her spine. I see him quite a bit at work and when I found out he would be the one for my mom, I was very happy. Young guy that just is so very personable. Anytime I need to go over to the reading room to find a radiologist I always look for him.

Mom was quite taken by him, she just kept telling me how good looking he is. That might be the other reason I always look for him when we need a signature or a STAT reading, ha.

So back to yesterday, walking down the hall and there he is. We always chit chat but yesterday he just gave me a hug and said "how is that sweet mom of yours doing"
I told him about this week and starting chemo. He gave me another hug and told me to not forget my own health and to take it easy on myself as well. Then he told me anytime I feel like crying, let it out by follow it by thinking of the best memory I have of my mom.

Good advice , I smiled, said thank you and then well, smiled the rest of the day because he gave me two hugs, ha. His words stuck with me all day, last night, and now onto today.
Best memory??? Where do I even begin, maybe I am so very lucky that I can't just pick one.

Most of my friends have a similar relationship with their moms like my mom and I. There are a few that do have not that close mother/daughter relationship and I find it so very sad. Mom is my best friend and for those who don't have that with their moms, I am so very sorry. Mom and I talk everyday, more than once. We see each other probably every other day but since all of this of course everyday. I tell my mom everything, sometimes too much. When I am sad, I call her. When I am sick, I call her. When something wonderful has happened, yep I call her. I can never shop with anyone else. Best shopping partner around. We have had a lot of practice over the years. I really just cant sit here and think there will be a day where I cant call her.

So back to that one memory. Dr. Beautiful ( I will refer to him as that in this blog) really did have good advice. I need to cry, I need to let it out. Nothing wrong with crying over this but follow it with memories of mom. I have countless ones to chose from.

Wednesday, May 27, 2009

Just not ready......

Before you read this blog...if you are a family member I am sorry for my honesty in this one.

As you all know mom started chemo today. She did great!! She got all snuggled and comfy with warm blankets, good magazines, and even ordered lunch (after I told she did not have a choice). At one point she made the comment it was like a spa day. Warm blankets, hand massage, someone offering drinks and snacks every ten minutes.

I waited till 12:55 before leaving her. I work just one floor up and while I knew I was just five minutes away if she needed me, it killed me. My dad showed up right before I went to work. I already knew he could not sit still for three more hours but I crossed my fingers. Kiss mom on her forehead and off I go to work.

Now, I work in MRI. Code to get in our area but our main doors have windows so just by chance if you are watching you can see who is in hall. 1:30.... I see a figure walk by the doors about five times, I already knew!! I watch and boom there is Roger. Oh my dad... looking like a little kid walking back and forth in front of door peeking in. He sees me and just waves. My co-workers all know whats going on so no big deal. I walk out to see him. Now before I tell you the conversation let me go back before I left mom. I look at dad and say
"Pop, she will still get radiation today after chemo"
"Ok Carrie"
I thought he understood... nope.

So back to my dad waving me down. I walk out... "Pop, something wrong"
"No"

"Pop, I am working, whats up"

"I just wanted to let you know that she is going to radiation after chemo today"

I bite down and count to ten because I know its hard for him and he is so overwhelmed. I just smile and say "Ok Pop, go back downstairs and I will call you after work. " Off he goes like a little child.

2:00... phone rings in MRI and I hear "Carrie there is someone waiting for you in the waiting room"
Ok I admit I grunted and thought Pop...grrrrrrrrrrr

So I walk out looking for Pop but find my moms Oncologist nurse. I adore this woman. She has been so wonderful to my mom. I can tell she is fond of her. I see her and lose my breath thinking what has happened. She just looks so damn sad. She begins to tell me about the talk she just had with mom and dad. Again, if you are reading this, it may be hard for some of you. But I am using this blog to vent, therapy tool, and I am sorry if I make anyone upset.
Kim(nurse) went on to tell me she is so concerned about what mom and dad both understand. She said my dad kept using the word remission and how much better mom was going to be.
I have had this concern for a couple of weeks. Dad does not understand or can not accept it. Mom ... I think mom is just shocked. Kim said "Carrie, I don't want to take away their hope but they don't understand".

I know this sounds like I have given up. That is not the case, I am praying for a miracle but I also know what is happening. Stage four, already has spread. I guess I just want my dad to be prepared but at the same time how does one prepare. The Dr's and nurses have both told me what to expect in terms of time. I am not going to write that here. I know what it is. I cant tell my parents and cant write it either. Need to stop writing for a few... promised myself no tears tonight.

Again, I have not told my parents about this blog and plan not to. Please respect that.

What to do for 5 hours??

While it may not seem like a important update.... Mom and I are not able to look at perezhilton.com. Mo bap has the site blocked...grrrrrrr

On a side note, I have not told Mom or Dad about this blog. Not sure if I will or not. I have a feeling I may have some thoughts or feelings on here that I don't want them to read.

First chemo or not???

So, here we are waiting. Picked mom up this morning to bring her for the first treatment. We had lab work done, short visit with her Dr. and then off to the treatment room. Now we are waiting. Mom was suppose to have a B12 shot week before as well as a med for 5 days. Waiting to hear if we can even start treatment today.

In the meantime, mom is all snuggled in her recliner while the sweetest volunteer gives her a hand massage. The volunteers here are great. There are three ladies that keep coming over to mom and talking to her.

Just got the nod from the nurse we can start today. I had hoped she would have started couple hours ago because I have to work at 1pm. Love that I just run upstairs for work.Mom will be here for 5 hours and I hate that I will not be by her side. So tempted to call my boss but since I am only working PRN right now, I know I need to go.

I can hear mom and the volunteer talking. Pretending I am typing away and not listening. Mom just told her walking in this room she realized what is really happening. Now there are three volunteers talking to her. Oh, trying so hard not to cry and act like I am not listening. This is so good for mom. Talking to others who have been there. Oh my... typical mom, she wants to know when she can volunteer. ha ha ha

The treatment room is really nice and bright. We are by the window that overlooks the healing garden. I will have to take a picture of it. Waterfall, pond, and the most beautiful flowers. Mom keeps asking if she can have her treatment outside.

Nurse is trying to find a good vein..good luck. Mom will have a port placed after today. She has no veins, I must have got that from her. hmmmm.... biting my tongue. I see a vein I would rather have the nurse go for, oh she better not dig to hit that vein. This is why sometimes I am not the best person to be here because I sure do get picky. Ok, all better, she got the vein. Treatment for 5 hours.

Ok... going to sit and make mom laugh now. We have good cheesy tabloids to read and then of course will pull up perezhilton.com

Hate that I will leave her in just a little over a hour.

Tuesday, May 26, 2009

Feeling guilty for feeling selfish


I am feeling very selfish at the moment. Just walked in my front door and saw my cat Georgia going nuts at the patio door because of a bird on my balcony. I realized right then how much I love my place. I started to look around at this apartment I have called home for two years. I have made it my own. Much has happened here and many memories in these walls.


It has been decided that I am moving back home to help mom. Dad asked me, mom asked me, and the Dr. told me point blank I needed to move back home. I know it is for the best. This past weekend while she was in the hospital I would not leave her side. I trusted no one else to sit with her. She is my mom and no one else take care of her like me. Am I putting too much on myself for feeling that way? Yes, I know I am but she is my mom and would do the same for me.


I know she needs me home with her. I know dad needs me there as well. But, at this moment I hate to know I will be packing my home up and moving back in with my parents. I hate that my decorated dining room table will be put in storage. I hate that I will not have my beautiful balcony overlooking the courtyard. I hate that I am losing my home. How selfish of me. I feel awful for even thinking about it.


I have not lived home for few years now. Where will I put it all? How will I not go insane living under the same roof as my father (you all know I love that man but we drive each nuts) and what in the world are we going to do with my two cats and my parents two cats??? Its like a Osbourne reality show with cats instead of dogs and while dad is not nuts because drugs, man can he ramble about the stupidest things.


At the same time as I write this, I know in my heart I will sleep better knowing I am under the same roof as mom.

Mom's past hospital stay

Another reason for this blog was so that family and friends would have another way to receive updates on mom.

I should have included her past hospital stay over the weekend in my last post. Dad and I both were very concerned about her last Friday. We both felt the moment the Dr. saw her, she would be admitted. We had a hard time getting her to the radiation appt. She was so very weak and sick. I had to put her in a wheelchair to get her out of the car.

The Dr. and nurse took one look at her and said right away that she would be admitted. I work at the hospital where mom is going for her treatments so I asked the nurse to have us put on a certain floor. We had a private room so I was able to stay there with her the whole time.
Friday night was rough but by Sunday she was doing better. We now have her on some new pain meds but still having pain. I think she is so scared to increase the dose or try a new med because she does not want the nausea to come back.

The Dr. left it up to my mom on Sunday if she would like to go home or stay another night... of course my mom wanted to go home.

She looked better yesterday, I am just hoping tomorrows chemo treatment does not make her sick all over again.

Why a blog??

My amazing mom has been diagnosed with Stage 4 Lung Cancer that has spread to her spine. This has come as a shock to our family and to all who know and love my mom. If I was asked to describe my mom in one word, I think it would be Saint. What a truly amazing beautiful person she is. Of course being her daughter, I would say such but I can honestly and proudly say anyone who knows my mom instantly loves her and admires her inner beauty.

Easter morning my mom woke up feeling ill. This was followed by weeks of flu like symptoms. Mom went to get a chest x-ray to rule out pneumonia. While I know that chest x-ray was so important, I can't believe how it has changed our lives. My mom has never smoked nor has she ever lived with a smoker so to hear they found a spot on her lung just sounded crazy. Mom had a ct scan the next day, it was a Friday. Monday the Dr called and asked for my mom, dad, and myself to come in.

Everything was running in mind on the way to talk to the Dr. I kept telling myself it was a infection that no way could my mom have cancer. When the Dr. began to tell us what he suspected, my mom just quietly listened and said "Dr. there is nothing God would give me that I can't handle". I looked to my right to see how my dad was and he looked white and shocked.

That week brought us more test and more waiting. Following at pet scan, we discovered mom had another spot on her spine. Four scans, two biopsy's, and two long weeks of waiting and we now know my dear mom has cancer.

Mom has already had two radiation treatments and will continue to have them each day. She begins chemo tomorrow. Her cancer symptoms started two weeks ago with sharp on going pain in her back and chest. How quickly this came on is just shocking. I hate to see her pain. It breaks my heart.

Everyone keeps asking me what they can do? If I ever need to talk, I know I have amazing family and friends that I can call. I find when I leave mom I look at my phone and feel like I should call someone to cry to or yell at but just rarely do. My dear friend Sarah started a blog abut her little miracle, her beautiful daughter Claire. I saw how much it helped Sarah on those rough days and thought maybe it would help me.

So here I go in a attempt to write about my moms fight, my feelings, and whatever else may come with it.