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Friday, July 31, 2009

A Simple Wish

While it seems like such a simple wish...... I guess I am having a hard night. Sarah and Jeff will both read this and yell at me for not going out tonight. I was just not in the mood and instead found myself with a glass of wine curled up on the couch watching pointless tv.

That's when it hit me. How a year ago today I would most likely have just hung up the phone from talking to mom about our Saturday plans. I would have been waiting for him to walk in the door with that smirk on his face because he had one extra jack and coke. He would make it up to me for being a little late by cooking a late dinner. I would sit on the counter laughing at his messy cooking ways. His ingredients that were just tossed together but ended up so good. I would not even care about the mess he made because his dinner would be delicious and he would make me feel beautiful. I would fall asleep to his soft snores and wake early to mom at the front door ready for a day of shopping. I would brag to my mom all day that he cooked.

How I wish I could have that day all over again. How I wish I would continue to have those days. He is already gone in a year time and I feel at this point next year she will be as well.

Such a simple wish but one that is impossible to grant. I miss him so.....I cant imagine the pain I will feel over missing her.

One day at a time.................

Wednesday, July 29, 2009

Can I get a hell yea!!!!

Mom is on her home from a follow up with her Dr. Great News!!!! All her blood work was stable and she gained a pound. Dr. did not want to do another MRI until next month. She was so very pleased with her blood results.



As some of you may know, after mom's party she started a new chemo pill. It is called Tarceva. Mom had gone back and forth on taking it because while it has had results, it has rare results when dealing with stage four. This pill may take mom into the holidays so we are willingly to try it. Only side effects at this point has been a rash on mom's face but nothing too bad. Her appetite has also dropped but we are encouraging her to eat like crazy. As long as Tarceva causes no other side effects mom is willingly to stick with it. This is such great news. I want mom to have another Christmas!!! Praying for a miracle but not giving up.

Many have emailed asking why I have not wrote in awhile. To be quite honest, I am back to my angry phase and quite tearful at the same time. Hopefully after the news today it will brighten my mood. I had quite a disappointment with a good friend last week but at the same was surprised by another who cheered me up. I am starting to truly see who is there for me and my parents. Sadly some friends and family members are not. I cant begin to tell you how many wonderful emails and thank you notes I received after the party. Unfortunately, I also received some emails that I have not responded to. Certain people felt I acted inappropriately by dancing and having a DJ. They were appalled that I would dance, run around, and grab others to dance. What kind of daughter gets up on the dance floor and smiles and swings her arms around. Well, hate to say it, but this daughter you ignorant assholes. My mom wanted a party. My mom wanted a DJ. My mom wanted dancing. My mom told me to not sit down and make everyone feel like they were at a party. It just shocks me that there are people out there who continue to throw their bullshit at me. I have kept my mouth shut about quite a few things these last couple of months but I am too the point where I am going to be very honest and not hold back. This was why I was not writing, I have a feeling if I would have wrote last week I would have said much more.

Mom is on her way home with Pop and lunch. We are going to celebrate her results. Keep those prayers going

One day at a time.......

Tuesday, July 21, 2009


Mom and Pop dancing to their song!!!!!!

The Invite


Here is the invitation to mom's party. I waited to post it so everyone would have a beautiful surprise with the poem. Anne did a wonderful job and I plan to frame it along with a picture of my mom. For those who have not seen it, tissue required!!!!

My feet still hurt....

The party has come and gone and my feet still hurt. Where do I even begin to write about that day. First mom looked GREAT, I mean she looked sooooo GOOD!!!! What else would I expect from my mom, she is one beautiful woman.

Pictures will come soon, Pop is working on that task...... might be awhile folks.
Mom is still talking about how much fun she had and how wonderful it was to see everyone. I am ready to have another, ha.

I know I should be writing a long blog about it and people are most likely expecting a long post about the party but I guess I am still tired but so grateful for that day. No words for it quite yet. Soon I will write more.

Just to let everyone know, I had thought mom would sleep for four days straight after the party. Not at all!!!!! She had visitors this morning and out to lunch followed by a drive around Elk Park. Tonight when I walked in the door from work and saw that she was still awake, I could not believe it!!!

One day at a time.....................

Friday, July 17, 2009

A Diet Coke Angel

Crazy past few days. Tuesday was so hard because we had to say goodbye to Aunt Thelma, Aunt Melba, and Kathy. Wednesday we receive the call that Aunt Thelma was in the hospital after a fall. Seems we have dark cloud following our family and wish it would move on. Anne came over Wednesday afternoon and helped me with the pictures for the party. Anne and her creativity found a beautiful guest book. We are asking everyone to sign it and have their picture taken at the party. We will place the photo next to their signature. More fun than just a plain guest book.

Anne and I also went shopping for mom. She has a pair of polka dot black shoes that she has not been able to wear yet, so she asked for a outfit to match. Size zero pants are not easy to find but Anne and I did great. We finally found a perfect pair for mom at the Black/White store. The salesgirl was a little much and Anne tried her hardest to be polite but keep the lady out of my face. I love shopping but it just was not a easy thing to do. I wanted to find something she would be comfortable in but cute. Wanted it to be her style and match the shoes. I was just overwhelmed. The salesgirl would not stop and kept insisting on knowing what we were shopping for and who. I finally told her point blank what it was for and she left us alone. Anne thinks I scared the crap out of her but at least she left us alone.

Thursday I woke up in a bad mood. I checked my email before going to work and really exploded. I have kept my mouth shut about quite a few things and some people that are really pushing me close to the edge. I have tried to not even write about it on here because I don't want to be angry. While Kathy was here she kept me calm, Anne makes me laugh and Tara calls and reminds me "not to go postal" :) Thursday I did not have those girls so I went to work in a foul mood. It changed the second I walked in the door. Betsy sees me and smiles while telling me there is something on the counter for me. I am thinking great, a missed signature on a contrast form and grumpy radiologist was there. Walk into the control room and see a red bag with a card sticking out. I read the card, look in the bag, and there goes the waterworks. Tears of joy and just was amazed by my diet coke angel. Her name is Sarah and I went to high school with her. I don't think I had many classes with Sarah, she actually went to class and was a very good student. Our lockers were never right by each other. We did know each other and would say hellos. Found each other on facebook and found we both have addiction to diet coke and joke with each other. Sarah has been following my blog and often sends me encouraging words. So, here I am at work having a awful day that was completely brightened by her act of kindness. Sarah aka diet coke angel had filled a bag with diet coke goodies. A six pack of diet coke(I swear the cans were cold, don't know if she did that) Diet coke pencils, diet coke playing cards, diet coke notepad etc... I cant begin to tell you how much that meant. She put together this wonderful gift with a sweet card, dropped it off at work for me and I have not seen her in over 12 years. How sweet, how thoughtful, how awesome she is. As my coworkers are hugging me and telling me to stop crying, I am telling them who she is and they start on about how awesome this girl is!!!! So to those from high school that read this and know Sarah Schepker, hug her next time you see her.

The party is this Sunday and mom is looking forward to it. I am just hoping my cousins Greg, Dana, and Kathy are still able to come up from Georgia. They may not want to leave Aunt Thelma. Everything is pretty much ready, I still may put one more picture board together. I hope it turns into a fun day for her. Hope everyone shows up. I have been told a few just cant handle it and worry she may look too sick. I am not going to write what I really want to say to that. I find it bullshit, she looks tired and has lost weight. I cant believe some would use that excuse.

Uncle Jimmy, Captain Jack, and my cousin Jim just left. We had a nice visit. Captain Jack drove up from Georgia to see mom, he cant stay for the party because of work but he did want to come and see mom. Drove up today and will drive back tomorrow. Kathy Lynn, he looks better than ever, I just kept toughing his rock solid arms and reminding myself he is my cousin. George Clooney has nothing on that man.

Mom is having a pretty good day. She promised my cousin Jim the first dance on Sunday. I was so happy to see him. Have not seen him in over a month, I just kept hugging his neck. Jim and I have become so much closer this past year. I rely on him for strength. I told him that he and I should just move to Georgia when all this is over. Atlanta Police department would be lucky to have him, STLPD sure would miss him though.

One day at a time............................

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

Home Sweet Home

Last Thursday I walked in the door from work and into the arms of Kathy Lynn, Aunt Melba, and Aunt Thelma. For the first time in the last couple of months, I could finally breathe. This house once again felt like a home. While they were here, it all seemed better. At the same time while they were here, I had some bad days but they knew what to do. They understood my tears, they understood my frustration at people who are thoughtless. They just knew what to do.

Aunt Thelma and Aunt Melba had words of wisdom while Kathy Lynn had her way to tell me with laughter, hugs, and straight forward.

This morning was the hardest goodbye. I cried like crazy after they walked out the door. Thank goodness I had to work today or I have a feeling I would have cried all day.

Much was talked about the past few days. Kathy Lynn sat me down and talked to me about Uncle Bruce and what would be best for him as well as my future. I love her so. I slept while she was here without the tv on, without waking up every hour. Kathy Lynn also has me feeding raccoons now, I will blame her (I know you are reading this) because this evening I had ten in the backyard with me. My Pop is going to flip. :)

Mom loved having them here with fresh made biscuits every morning followed by fried apple pies all day. I wish she could have gone with us to visit Uncle Bruce but each morning she would say "maybe tomorrow"
I wish we could have at least taken her on a ride around Elk Park but she wanted to rest.

Not to much more to write about tonight, no more tears for the day so I am going to watch Nurse Jackie and try to sleep. I miss you Kathy, Aunt Thelma, and Aunt Melba!!!!!!!!

One day at a time.............

Saturday, July 11, 2009

Real True Sleep

I have finally had real true sleep the last two nights. I admit Kathy Lynn and I have stayed up till 3am-4am but as soon as we lay down I really sleep. Kathy is sleeping with me and just knowing she is right beside me, I can finally sleep. I have not woke up every hour while tossing and turning all night since they have been here.

Its a cloudy day here. Pop is going to take Aunt Melba and maybe Kathy to go see Uncle Bruce today. I was pretty upset yesterday so I may just not go today. I am not happy with that place and feel Uncle Bruce is not being cared for. Kathy had a very long talk with me last night about Uncle Bruce. The waterworks really came out. Not ready to write about that yet.

The party is really coming together. Just about everyone has responded. We have people coming in from Georgia, DC, Kentucky, and all over Missouri. Mom is so excited.

Not sure what else we may do today. Mom already has had one little nap so she may be up for a couple hours with us. I know she had wanted to drive around Elk Park but with this weather we may just put that off till tomorrow.

One day at a time..............

Friday, July 10, 2009

Update on Mom's Party

Wonderful Nancy (Sarah's mom) just sent me a email with a wonderful idea. She knows someone who had a similar party like we are having for mom. They asked everyone to write a letter or short note to be placed in a special box. These letters/notes will be to mom that she may read at a later date.

I love this idea. Love it. So, spread the word about this people. I will try to get a hold of some that I know do not read the blog but I think this is a great idea. At the moment, lets not tell mom. This could be a wonderful gift for her. She could read a letter a day or all of them at once.

This letter can be a memory you have of her, how much you love her, and /or anything you would like to write to her. No limit on the number of words or pages folks. If you find you can only write a few words or write a book, who cares.

Spread the word and help me get this idea out there. Thank you my dear Nancy!!!! I would not have thought of this. I was going to have a guest book but this idea has me grinning ear to ear. I am coming by soon to give you a huge mom hug for this!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Start your letters folks!!!!

Finally feels like home....

I have never been so happy to see these three as I walked in from work last night. Somehow they have made it feel like home again and just made me feel at ease. Last night we all sat around laughing and looking at pictures. Teasing Aunt Thelma for taking too long hemming everyone pants. Kathy and I stayed up late as always. We sat outside a bit and all of a sudden here comes a raccoon. Sat there and looked at us, Kathy talked to the little thing and I thought he was just going to sit right beside us.

Right now I am surrounded by the smell of fried apple pies that Aunt Melba is baking. Oh heaven.

Had to stop writing earlier. We all decided to go see Uncle Bruce but mom was too tired. She is hoping she is able to go Sunday with us and visit. Uncle Bruce was very excited to see everyone. We brought him a fried apple pie and cucumber/tomato salad.

This morning we had a great breakfast. Uncle Jimmy and Aunt JoAnne came back this afternoon with two huge boxes of potatoes that he dug today and cucumbers. We had a great dinner. Mom is stuffed and resting on the couch. Chicken, cornbread, potatoes, green beans that Aunt Thelma brought from her garden, squash, zucchini, fried squash, and fried zucchini. We are all sitting around barely talking because we all ate too much.

I think this evening most will go to bed early. Stayed up late last night and almost everyone was up at 7am already cooking breakfast. Kathy and I will hang out tonight. Not sure yet what we might do. We have some beverages downstairs that we sneak around. ha

I hope these next few days go by slow because Tuesday is too soon for them to leave.

Wednesday, July 8, 2009

Peaches

My three southern peaches arrive tomorrow...wooo-hoooo. Oh how excited I am to hug my Aunt Thelma, hear my Aunt Melba say Carrie Lynn or sweetie or baby and then grin like crazy while jumping up and down when I see Kathy!!!!!! I already feel a huge load of stress off my shoulders knowing they are coming.

Mom is back in bed. She had a nice visit with her friend Dana. Dana and mom worked together at Pillsbury and mom is the godmother to her son. She made mom homemade chicken noodle soup and a cake. I have a feeling dad will eat the cake in two days.

Looks really tired today. I thought her energy would be higher today since yesterday was a rough day. That seems to be the schedule, one good day followed by a bad day but seems lately the bad days are more and more.

This morning I laid down with her from about 7-8:30. We just laid there and talked while the cats were fighting over who could be on the bed with us. Mom and I have so many moments like that.

Had planned on writing more but just got a call. Gotta run!!

Tuesday, July 7, 2009

No Diet Coke

I have had no diet coke today so I just might be a little crabby. Mom did not have a very good day. She had pain and felt ill. She slept most of the day.

I worked today and was a guinea pig for the MRI department. We had a new cardiac coil come in, had to test and train on it, so I volunteered to have the MRI. Now most do not enjoy this procedure, we slid you in a small tunnel like scanner and then there is the noise. For some reason I loved it. The noise only happens when you scan and since everyone was learning, the scan part maybe happened 20 times in the hour I was in. It was the first hour I had where it was quiet and somehow peaceful. I finally just let my mind rest. Every since we found out about mom I have been going non-stop. When I am alone, I make sure the radio or tv is on, always have to be doing something because otherwise I just cry. I have never fell asleep with the tv on and now do it every night. I hate the quiet. I use to love the quiet.

Anne and Greg called today to see if they could come visit Mom. I was still at work and mom said tomorrow would be better. Mom would never turn away Anne so means she must have had a bad time today. I worked till a little after 7pm and when I got home she looked exhausted. She did laugh quite a bit talking to my cousin Steve on the phone. I just love to hear that laugh. Steve always makes her laugh, well Steve makes everyone laugh.

Just sat here for ten minutes staring at the keys. I really just want to write how much I love her. How much I hate this. How much I am going to miss her. How , how, how , how will I get through this. She is my rock, my best friend, my hero and simply my angel. Well, there goes the water works, time to stop writing.

one day at a time..........

Monday, July 6, 2009

Rascal Franklin Monroe and some Disappointment's

Spent all day with mom today, I was suppose to work but it was a extra shift and got called off. Pop went out most of the afternoon, so it was just mom and I. She has more energy and not sleeping as much plus the confusion is gone. I am so thankful for that.

She wanted tacos from taco bell for lunch and then we drove around Elk Park. We only saw two elks but about ten wild turkey running around. Mom is really hoping to go see the sting ray exhibit at the zoo and hoping there is a cool day where we can do so. While driving around she began to tell me what charities she would like to have donations made to. This is where Rascal Franklin Monroe comes in.... Anne, grab a tissue now. Mom has decided she would like donations made to Love a Golden Rescue. Anne volunteers for this organization and my mom always gave. She loved Anne emailing her about the latest rescue or about what dog she was currently fostering. Right now her parents are fostering Rascal and Anne told mom all about him. Mom has always wanted a dog but no way would my Pop have that. She also picked the Humane Society as well as Cancer Research. Her heart goes with the animals though.

Speaking of animals, mom and I were rolling with laughter today. My two cats are starting to like it here. They both were hanging out by the front door when a chipmunk decided to hop on the front porch. Oh my cats went nuts. Then another chipmunk appears and my cats were running between the front door to the dining room window going nuts. Tails wagging and meows so loud. Times like that I wish I had a video camera, mom was loving it.

She had a good day. She had some disappointments over the weekend. A few people had said they would come to visit and not one showed up. Plus she really was looking forward to going to Anne and Tara's for the fourth but was too tired.

Counting down the minutes till I get off work Thursday and come home to find my Aunt Thelma, Aunt Melba, and Kathy here. I don't think I have ever been so excited or felt such relief .

One day at a time.....

Sunday, July 5, 2009

Rainy weekend and missed parties

This weekend was just no fun. It definitely did not feel like the Fourth of July weekend. The weather did not help either. Friday was a good day, Anne and I focused on the party and accomplished so much. Saturday was suppose to be a full fun day but the rain got in the way. Anne and Tara both were to have parties and I think mom would have made it. Fireworks were put off until Sunday and mom just had a tired day.

Think this must have been the first Fourth that Mom, Pop, and myself did not see one firework. What a rainy weekend it was and how true it is that the weather can affect your mood.

My two Aunts and cousin arrive Thursday from Georgia and I am counting down the minutes till they get here. If it is possible to be around someone that feels like home/mom, it is my family from Georgia. Only problem is, I will not want them to leave.

Mom and I each laid on a couch yesterday and watched a marathon of clean house. All of a sudden she decided to tell me everything she wanted for her funeral from the music to her pallbearers. She then went on to tell me her Ma died when she was 30. As the tears ran down my face, she told me I would be ok. I don't know how I ever will be ok.

I just wish it was all a bad dream.

Saturday, July 4, 2009

Rain, Invites, and my Anne Marie

Yesterday my dear Anne came over to help with the party, house, my emotions, and basically anything I needed. We started out to buy the paper for the invite. We spent quite a bit of time just staring at the choices of paper and both thinking how did we get here? Why am I picking out paper for a party that breaks my heart but also makes me smile. So, with a few shrugs and nods of no's, yes, and maybes, Anne and I finally found the perfect paper. Then what the hell should it say???

We drove out to the banquet hall to pick out food, make the deposit, see the room. It will be beautiful. So thankful Anne was with me because I was full of emotions but once again held it in. The guy we were dealing with was very nice and told me I was handling it so well. Some reason that stuck with me all day. I asked Anne what did that mean? How should I be acting?

We found the foam board for the pictures. We came up with many ideas for the party. All day we kept thinking of what to say on the invite. We drove to a church to see Pastor Ryan for a bible verse but office closed. We drove to a hallmark store because Anne said where else to look for the perfect quotes. Hallmark employees at that store thought we were crazy. Here is Anne writing down everything she sees, here I am walking around with a dazed look mumbling that's not it, that wont work. We both looked at every book of quotes and bible verses they had. I did buy something before we left because I felt bad we spent so much time in that store.

Stopped by Roger and Janie to grab a few more pictures and I always enjoy seeing them for my second parents hug. Anne and I get back here and start working on the invites. No quote worked, no bible verse worked, no song lyrics worked. Anne then said she was going to write something special just for mom. And that's just what she did. My dear Anne sat there, laid down, walked around, ate some pizza and wrote the most beautiful poem about my mom. I am so tempted to post it here but want you all to read it the first time when it arrives in the mail.

Yesterday was rough, my mom had a great day. I had some disappointing phone calls, upset that I am planning a party for this reason, but Anne had me laughing and helped so much. God did not bless my parents with more children but He did bless me with Tara and Anne, my two sisters in my heart. I could not have got so much done if not for the two of them. Tara sent two containers of chicken and dumplings for mom....she already ate one whole container. Tara has now said there will always be a container in the fridge for her. ha

So, again with the party..... I really need a headcount. I have told the banquet hall it will be around 200 for now. I can add more but no later than probably end of this week. The invites are so pretty, I am sending them out to everyone but again if you can RSVP now please do so!!!! July 19th 1-6pm. Email me at carrielynnstl@yahoo.com

Wednesday, July 1, 2009

Change for the Party

Party has been changed to July 19th!!!!!!!!

We have changed the party date after the Dr visit today. It will now be July 19th from 1-6pm. Please send me your address or RSVP to me at carrielynnstl@yahoo.com. I need a head count and if you do not need a invite mailed to you and can RSVP now, please do so!!!

Light food provided along with soda, beer, and wine.