Dear Mom

Nights like tonight tend to be harder than most. Nights like tonight where I look at my phone and wish I could call you. Much on my mind and I am so worried about something that is going on. You were always the first I called, the first I wanted to talk to. I can remember calling you at 2am when I could not sleep because something was troubling me. You always answered by the second the ring and I would immediately say sorry for waking you. You would always respond " I am not asleep, what is wrong" Times we would spend 2 hours on the phone and never once did you complain it was the middle of the night.
I so wish I could call you now. No one else I would rather to talk to. No one else I feel I can talk to. I am worried Mom, I am so worried and simply do not know what to do.
I miss you each day Mom. I just want to hear your voice and hear you say " I am not asleep, what is wrong"
I love you Mom

One Year....

One year Mom, one year since I have been able to talk to you. One year since I have been able to hug you. One year since I have heard your voice. One year without you and not a day goes by that I don't think of you constantly. I was hoping Pop and I would reach the one year mark and could tell you we are doing better, sadly not the case. Anyone who tells you time heals and it gets easier is just full of shit.

A year ago tonight I said goodbye to you for the last time. I remember the night like yesterday. I was not sleeping at all. I had the air mattress in the living room for a week or so because I would not go downstairs. I had moved the guest bed right next to yours and stayed there with you for two days but felt that this night I should stay in the living room. Aunt Thelma stayed up with me and watched lifetime movie :) She went to bed and begged me to do the same. Of course, I could not sleep. At that time I was giving you pain meds every 1-2 hours. I was on the computer chatting away to Justin when I saw it was midnight, told Justin goodnight and went in to give you meds. I knew, I knew the moment I woke in. I don't know how long I stood in the doorway, I am sure it was 3 seconds but it felt like hours. I went over and held your hand, I told you it was ok to go. Part of me is glad I was with you. I know you went in peace. I don't know how long I sat there with you. I knew I had to wake Pop up and tell him you were gone. I finally went to wake Pop and Aunt Thelma. I then changed your clothes and painted your nails, I just had to paint your nails. Then all that strength I had left. I broke and suddenly Pop became the strong one. David rushed over and basically carried me out of the house. Roles for Pop and I changed that night. Here I was the one who was a mess and he seemed to handle it.

I think of that night so often. I make myself sick thinking I should have started CPR when you left. I know you did not want that though and I knew it was time for you to sleep. So many things I wish I could go back and change.

So many changes have happened in this last year Mom. So many things that I wish I could talk to you about it. I think you would be proud and upset with me about a few things. I think you would tell me to start living again. I know you would be upset that I am still here with Pop. You told me not to get stuck here :) I think you would tell me to break my wall down and start being honest with some about my feelings. I think you would tell me I have been a bad friend to Tara and Anne, you would be so upset with me over that. I think you would tell me there are those no longer in my life for a reason and to treasure those that did stay by my side no matter how distant I kept them. I think you would be so happy and proud of Kevin and David. Those two have helped and been for Pop and I, we really do have a a amazing family. I think you would be upset with tensions in the family as well, you would not want to ever see me not have relationships with family members.

It is just so hard not being able to talk to you Mom. I miss your wisdom and advice. I always knew you were my best friend. I always knew you were the first I called for advice, guidance, good news, bad news, you just were always the first phone call. I miss that. I miss that so very much. There is no one else who will ever love someone as much as a Mother loves her child.

I am trying my best to deal with my grief Mom. I have made both good and bad decisions in dealing with it. I know you are still here with me. I know I need to start living again and make you proud.

One year without you. Oh Mom, how I miss you so.