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Thursday, September 10, 2015

Six Years

Today marks six years since you have been gone Mom. Currently sitting in the waiting room in hospital as we wait for Pop to go into surgery and wishing you were by my side like always. The surgery fell on today and we could not put it off another day as they are repairing the surgeons mistake from his last back surgery. Pop finds it comforting and has said maybe it was scheduled today and how he knows you will be with him. I, on the other hand, find it very uncomfortable but not letting Pop see my worry and fear. It is a distraction I guess, at least this way I won't be pulling the covers over my head and crying all day. I have handled this day the last two years in a much more healthy manner than before.

I don't think you would be happy where Pop and I are in life. I know you would be proud of me making some positive and healthy changes in my life the last two years, rid my life of negative bullshit and got back to my happy and positive self. I also repaired some lost relationships that had fell apart due to my grief and choices I was making. I know you would be so very happy to see I am once again spending my time with David, Kevin, Toni, Anissia, Xavier, and little Isaac who is growing up way too fast. I wish you were here to meet little Connor, he is perfect and looks just like Kevin. I know you would be happy to know I am spending time with Sarah and Ellen again, oh you would go bananas over their little ones. I can only imagine all the goodies you would be buying them for Macys :) As happy as I know you would be for all this, I know you are disappointed and sad to see some other relationships not repaired or just still lost. I am getting healthier, I think we may have found the correct meds and dosage to keep my flares somewhat better controlled, headed to Tara's next week to work on my resume and get back out there. I know you are not happy with how Pop is coming along. I am not sure what has caused his setback in the last year. I can't remember the last time he went to church and it started before he was feeling bad. He has become so dependent on me in terms of company, household duties, just everything Mom. I am so ready to get my own place again and need it as I am starting to resent him but his behavior alone while I was in Georgia the past two weeks worries me in that decision. He called me 3-6 times day, he called Anissia and kept asking her to call me to tell me to come home. He was going crazy and would become tearful on the phone. I felt so guilty because instead of rushing back home, I started to get agitated and would tell him he would be fine, he could manage without me. I just wish you could send him some strength, he has aged so much in the last six years. I barely recognize him.  His behavior, memory, and statements he makes has me so concerned. You and I use to joke that we would take turns caring for him when he turned senile, I am so bitter and sad that I will be doing it alone. 

Not one day goes by that I do not think of you Mom. How I wish I could just talk to you for five minutes or be able to hug you. I miss your laughter, your smile, your wisdom, your love, your awesome dance moves,  I miss everything about you. I hope one day I know you are looking down and smiling down on the entire family and proud of us all. I know you are with each of us everyday watching over us and sending us your love. We all miss you so. Love Always and Forever. xoxo