My Mom, My Best Friend

Grief, it's a Bitch

2012-02-03T16:35:00.000-08:00

Was not sure if I would write another entry. It has been quite a awhile since I felt the need to do so. Who knew a trip to Target would trigger a need.

Since I was not in a hurry, I decided to stroll around Target before checking out. I found myself looking at the boardgames for some reason. Girl who looked to be my age was standing there. Couple minutes went by and I hear "What game would you suggest for a game night" I began to tell her I use to play but so many new games and she starts crying. Looks away and mumbles a sorry and so embarrassed. I did what Mom would do, pulled out a tissue and asked if she was ok.
"Oh I feel so stupid. Having a group of friends over tomorrow night that I have not seen in awhile and I am so worried. I just want a fun night"
I just continue to wait for her to finish
" My dad died 8 months ago, I shut them all out"

I wanted to hug her right there and then. Oh I know I wanted to scream. I know exactly what you mean. I clenched my teeth praying I would just not start crying right there with her. Instead I found the words " I lost my Mom two years, I did the same thing"

The look of relief on her face. I knew the look. I had the same look anytime I talked to someone who had lost a parent. They did not judge you for your mood swings, your crying spells, the many many cancelled plans (real guilty there)

So there in a Target isle, two girls stood and chatted over a hour about grief and what a bitch it is. Grief, you must go through it but oh how it can break your spirit, ruin relationships, hurt your career, cause health problems etc. There is no pill or treatment to fix it. It is just a bitch. Sometimes it can make you stronger and might take years to do so or sometimes it can just ruin you.

I will call her Target Girl, oh how I hope Target Girl has fun with her friends tomorrow. I hope her friends will be able to look past her behavior and know it had nothing to do with them. I hope her friends can forgive her. I hope her friends will continue to "put up with" her future behavior. I lost so many close to me. I don't blame them now. I did, I thought how could you just walk away when I was hurting. Being that I completely shut them out, I really left them no choice. Besides, they loved who I was not who I was becoming.

So Target Girl has caused a blog entry.

Two years after the GREATEST party

2011-07-19T14:36:00.000-07:00

I can't believe it has been two years since we had the best day for Mom. I will never forget when she first told me she wanted a party. Here I was thinking maybe a few people at the house but nope, Mom wanted a HUGE party. What a amazing day. I only smile when I think of that day.
From the beautiful invite that I will always be so thankful for, I will never forget the poem Anne wrote to having Sweaty Teddy DJ the party. Everything Mom asked for happened. There was music, there was dancing, and more than anything, there were so many smiles and hugs. Of course so many had tears, so many did not expect to see Mom look so frail but yet she smiled the whole day.
The party was originally scheduled more than a month away. Mom's Dr pulled me aside one day and told me it was a must to move the party up. I was so worried that we would not be able to but will always be grateful to Andres for working with us. The staff there was so helpful and sensitive to our situation. They also had some tears while helping us plan the event, everyone was so touched and thought it was so beautiful what we were doing.
From the day Mom was diagnosed, I knew what was happening. When I think back to that first day to her last day, my eyes fill with tears and it is so hard to find a good memory. The one day I can focus on and the one day that brings a huge smile rather than tears is the day of her party. As I watched my parents dance their last dance, I did have to turn away for a moment to cry but what a beautiful moment. What a priceless moment. While it may cause a few tears to think about it, I do smile the entire time I remember.
It will be two years since we lost Mom in September. We may have gained a little bit of strength but we lost so much more. Not only did we lose Mom but I feel as those I lost my true smile, my true happiness, some family, some friends... losing her made me feel as though life was lost. I will say with each day, I do have more strength, I do have more smiles, and I hope to one day say I have finally dealt with my grief. I am in no hurry to do so, while many feel I should be over it by now, I will take it 5 minutes at a time if I need to. I know she is with me each day and watching over me. I know she smiles just as big as I do when she thinks about that amazing party.
Thank you to all who made that party so special, everyone there made it such a special day.

Happy Birthday Mom

2010-10-19T16:14:00.000-07:00

Happy Birthday Mom!!! It was a beautiful fall day, one you would have loved. Pop and I went to Jefferson Barracks. As you already know, I have a very hard time going there. Pop goes so often, at times I think he goes and never tells me. Yellow roses, your favorite. As I unwrapped them, three buds fell to the ground. I of course got upset but placed them on the headstone. Pop quietly said, "she did that, it is for the three of us" He gets so teary-eyed as he stands there. I just get angry, I get so angry. I always wipe off the headstone, I cant stand for any dust or dirt to be there. I get upset that the grass has maybe one tiny weed. I stand there hoping to feel you, to hear you speak to me, I never do. I realized today, its simply because you are not there. You are always with me, you are always with Pop. You are with all your Peaches. You are everywhere Mom, you are with your family when they need a little sense of calm or comfort. You are with your friends when they need to see or hear something for a giggle. You are just too busy being the angel you always were to be there.
It has been over a year now. Some days are easier, some days I still don't know how I manage. I wish I could tell you that I found a sense of peace with it. I hope that day does come soon.
Fall is here, my favorite time of the year. I decorated the house for you. You really have a lot of crap Mom :) The fall and Halloween decorations are out. Pop is upset I put out the 2 black cat heads. He told me like he always told you that they freak him out. Don't worry, they are right on the buffet where everyone can see them. I know with each holiday I need to decorate this house. I hope one day I will enjoy it again. I think while it bothers me this is your house not sure it would make a difference when I have my own place again or not. It is just pulling out the decorations and knowing a holiday is approaching, a holiday without you.
Bernice's Girls and Boys are starting to campaign again. The climb will be here before we know it. I hope we grow our team size and bring in even more donations. Each step for you Mom.
Happy Birthday Mom, my best friend and angel. I miss you so.

Dear Mom

2010-09-23T23:54:00.000-07:00

Nights like tonight tend to be harder than most. Nights like tonight where I look at my phone and wish I could call you. Much on my mind and I am so worried about something that is going on. You were always the first I called, the first I wanted to talk to. I can remember calling you at 2am when I could not sleep because something was troubling me. You always answered by the second the ring and I would immediately say sorry for waking you. You would always respond " I am not asleep, what is wrong" Times we would spend 2 hours on the phone and never once did you complain it was the middle of the night.
I so wish I could call you now. No one else I would rather to talk to. No one else I feel I can talk to. I am worried Mom, I am so worried and simply do not know what to do.
I miss you each day Mom. I just want to hear your voice and hear you say " I am not asleep, what is wrong"
I love you Mom

One Year....

2010-09-09T17:33:00.000-07:00

One year Mom, one year since I have been able to talk to you. One year since I have been able to hug you. One year since I have heard your voice. One year without you and not a day goes by that I don't think of you constantly. I was hoping Pop and I would reach the one year mark and could tell you we are doing better, sadly not the case. Anyone who tells you time heals and it gets easier is just full of shit.

A year ago tonight I said goodbye to you for the last time. I remember the night like yesterday. I was not sleeping at all. I had the air mattress in the living room for a week or so because I would not go downstairs. I had moved the guest bed right next to yours and stayed there with you for two days but felt that this night I should stay in the living room. Aunt Thelma stayed up with me and watched lifetime movie :) She went to bed and begged me to do the same. Of course, I could not sleep. At that time I was giving you pain meds every 1-2 hours. I was on the computer chatting away to Justin when I saw it was midnight, told Justin goodnight and went in to give you meds. I knew, I knew the moment I woke in. I don't know how long I stood in the doorway, I am sure it was 3 seconds but it felt like hours. I went over and held your hand, I told you it was ok to go. Part of me is glad I was with you. I know you went in peace. I don't know how long I sat there with you. I knew I had to wake Pop up and tell him you were gone. I finally went to wake Pop and Aunt Thelma. I then changed your clothes and painted your nails, I just had to paint your nails. Then all that strength I had left. I broke and suddenly Pop became the strong one. David rushed over and basically carried me out of the house. Roles for Pop and I changed that night. Here I was the one who was a mess and he seemed to handle it.

I think of that night so often. I make myself sick thinking I should have started CPR when you left. I know you did not want that though and I knew it was time for you to sleep. So many things I wish I could go back and change.

So many changes have happened in this last year Mom. So many things that I wish I could talk to you about it. I think you would be proud and upset with me about a few things. I think you would tell me to start living again. I know you would be upset that I am still here with Pop. You told me not to get stuck here :) I think you would tell me to break my wall down and start being honest with some about my feelings. I think you would tell me I have been a bad friend to Tara and Anne, you would be so upset with me over that. I think you would tell me there are those no longer in my life for a reason and to treasure those that did stay by my side no matter how distant I kept them. I think you would be so happy and proud of Kevin and David. Those two have helped and been for Pop and I, we really do have a a amazing family. I think you would be upset with tensions in the family as well, you would not want to ever see me not have relationships with family members.

It is just so hard not being able to talk to you Mom. I miss your wisdom and advice. I always knew you were my best friend. I always knew you were the first I called for advice, guidance, good news, bad news, you just were always the first phone call. I miss that. I miss that so very much. There is no one else who will ever love someone as much as a Mother loves her child.

I am trying my best to deal with my grief Mom. I have made both good and bad decisions in dealing with it. I know you are still here with me. I know I need to start living again and make you proud.

One year without you. Oh Mom, how I miss you so.

Dear Mom

2010-04-01T11:48:00.000-07:00

Dear Mom,

Easter is this Sunday. It will mark one year that you woke up feeling ill. It will mark one year that we thought you might have pink eye. One year ago Mom, you woke up with pink eye and that began a course of events I never saw coming. Who would have thought that you would have pink eye and then a flu like bug which caused a chest x-ray that changed our lives forever.

You always loved every holiday so it would be hard for me to pick your favorite. I might go with Easter though. You always had this house decorated from top to bottom with your spring/Easter decor. You would just get tickled when your flowers began to bloom. You really loved this time of year. It is my first spring without you. I am dreading Sunday. Easter Sunday is to me the day that started all this. You had asked me to come over early that day before you went to church to see my Easter basket. You were all dressed up when I came in your new outfit. You stood by smiling and giggling as I looked at my basket. Cute flip flops, candle, two books, and a pair of high heels. The perfect Easter basket!! A couple pieces of chocolate were always thrown in that you would joke were for Pop. I knew you felt funny but you promised you were fine and I would see you at Uncle Jimmy's later that day. I left and went back home to get ready. When I walked in Uncle Jimmy's the first thing I heard was you were not coming. I called you right then and there. Easter was not the same without you. We had the big adult egg hunt. All of us still went crazy pushing each other trying to find the prize eggs but you were missing. You and the little dance you would do each time you found a egg. Your constant laugh during the egg hunt. The unspoken rule that the only person you don't push or steal a egg from is you. It was not the same but at that time I thought, she will be here next year. But you wont. I wont wake up and call you first thing. I wont come over to have breakfast and have this amazing Easter basket with ribbons all over it. I wont be here the day before and dye 6 dozen eggs with you. You wont do your dance during the egg hunt. I know you would want me to go. Its just so hard without you Mom. I don't want to hate the holidays. I don't want to dread Easter each year but it is such a reminder, I feel that day started it all and I hate that. In one year Mom you were taken from us. How did all this happen in just a year.

I had lunch today with my friend named Annie. You would love her. She attends the same grief meeting as Pop. My age and lost her Mom in Dec of last year. Pop introduced us, he was so right to do so. Our stories are so similar. She had a relationship with her Mom just like ours. You would think she was talking about the two of us when she talks about her and her Mom. I can really talk to her about you. How much I miss you. We just talk... we talk about you, we talk about her Mom, we talk about how hard it is. We cry and we laugh. Today I found myself thinking how much you would love her. We both can relate to each other so well. Its hard Mom, its hard trying to talk about you and how to deal with this. I have found that some feel enough time has passed and maybe I should be over it by now. You would yell at me for what I would like to do to those people. Some just avoid me, I guess they don't know what to say. At the same time I have not made the best choices on how to deal with this and I think some have left and grew tired of me. I do have the best ones still, the ones that call constantly no matter how many times I don't answer. Tara Rose has been amazing. She never yells when I don't answer and never questions me about it. She does not get mad when I say I am going to come out and then change my mind. She really has been that big older sister who just lets me know she is always there. I know you are not surprised by that, you did tell me that you knew Tara and Anne would both get me thru this. I am so thankful to now have Annie in my life as well. No one could better understand than her tight now. We both are at the same grief stage. We talked today about how this year is going to be our first of so many things. First Easter without our Moms.

I don't go in the yellow room that much anymore. I just don't feel like I can talk to you in there like before. I asked Pop to drive me out to see you on Monday. I thought maybe I could talk to you there. Instead I felt sick and just could not believe I was standing at your grave. I need to find that place again where I feel like I can talk to you. I know you are here. I just, I don't know, maybe I just want more. I of course just want you Mom. Simply put.. I miss you. I just want you here, I just want a hug.

The keyboard is about to be under water with my tears so I think its time to stop. I know you are reading this Mom. I know my diet coke angel Sarah is too. I miss you Mom.

Climbed 42 flights but now what???

2010-03-18T13:22:00.000-07:00

As most of you know on March 6th I climbed the Met building downtown in memory of my Mom. The Lung Assoc. did a great job and had a huge turn out. My team, Bernice's Girls raised $4,667.00!!!!!!! That is INCREDIBLE!!!! We were in the top 7 teams and those other teams were corporate. It is incredible how much we raised considering we signed up late. I was so touched by those that donated. I had my babysitter from grade school to people I have not seen in over 15 years. Each day it seemed another donation was made that brought tears. Good tears!!

I was very honored when the Lung Assoc. asked me to be a Lung Champion. I think there was 7 or 8 of us. We had our stories on the Lung Champion wall and also a few of us spoke at the climb. I was terrified to speak but I knew I had to do it. I spoke before our climb. My team was there early to support me. My diet coke angel (Sarah) came with her boyfriend Mark who also climbed another team. They came early just to hear me speak. Anne stood at my side and it is very possible she had no feeling in her hand the rest of the day from my tight squeeze. I did it though, without tears, without getting stuck, with a strong voice and a smile. My team was amazing!!!! I brought flower headbands for all of us. We were actually mentioned in the St. Louis Post Dispatch for that :) I don't know what I would have done without my team. Each has already let me know they would be back next year and we are determined to raise $7000.00. I was asked by the Lung Assoc. to serve on the committee for next years climb. I am very proud to be a part of that.

This climb really helped me. It not only gave me something to focus on but I was doing something in memory of Mom. Every dollar we raised and each step that day was for her. I can honestly say that was the best day I have had since Mom was diagnosed.

So here I am after the climb and feeling lost once more. I had hoped things would be easier or that I would not feel this dark cloud over me each day. I have been told that the first year is hard but the next year is when you really start to grieve. What?? I can not imagine grieving more than I do now. I know on top of the mourning that I am frustrated. I am frustrated not knowing what to do next in terms of career. I am frustrated living at home with Pop.

I was sent a email the other day with the subject line of "what is up with you" . hmmm... I know some are concerned, I know I have distanced myself. What is up with me? I am sad. I am truly sad and never knew a person could feel such sadness. I know it will pass, I know things will get better. But when? Those answers we seek that no one knows are the hardest.

I have been lucky enough to meet a couple of girls my age that also lost their Moms in the last year. I have enjoyed my time with them. Its comforting to know someone else feels the same and understands. I think these two girls will become life long friends, we may have meet because of our tragedies but what a bond we share. I feel that Mom had something to do with bringing these two girls in my life, just like I believe Mom had something to do with me finding out about the climb. I know she is with me each day, I feel her right next to me.

Mom also has bought something else very special to me. When I learned the diagnose and knew what was coming, my first thought was a trip. Take Mom to Vegas or a cruise. I then found myself thinking what she needs is a huge party. I was hesitant to bring it up to her. I knew my Pop would not agree to it. So I remained silent but Mom had the same idea. When Mom approached me about her party idea, I was thrilled. I told her I was thinking the same thing and she said "of course you were". I know some did not think it was appropriate. I can understand that. That party was so wonderful. To see that banquet hall full of people who loved my Mom and wanted to celebrate her was incredible. My Mom asked that the Tashler family be invited to that party. We love the Tashlers and I was thrilled when they rsvp yes. I be live that not only did my Mom want to see them but my Mom wanted me to have them in my life again. And they are!!! Tammi has been a blessing, Mr. Tashler has been great to my Pop, we could not ask for a better family to take us in :) Tammi and her husband Aaron were so touched by the party. The three us began discussing how anyone with a terminal illness deserves that. What a awesome way to celebrate your loved one. My photo boards at Moms party had three words... Live, Laugh, Love. As the months have passed we have been planning how to make that party happen for those with a terminal illness. And so Live, Laugh, Love began. We hope to start this organization soon. We know it will take time, we know it will take funds but we each feel it is so important. Most of all it will be another thing I do to honor the most beautiful person I have ever known, my Mom.

With all that said, I don't really write on the blog much. I doubt anyone still checks it. But I will still write when I need to, I know one person who still reads each word and she matters most. Mom.

Thank you to all who made donations to Bernice's Girls!!! I can not thank you enough!!

Mom came to me in a dream.......

2010-02-07T11:57:00.000-08:00

I was quite happy to come last night and sleep in my own bed. I had been staying at my cousins house all week watching my two little cousins. Had a great time, I always enjoy time with my cousins. My two cousins, Xavier who is 16 and Isaac who is 9, surprised me with how often they would talked about their Aunt Bernice. How proud I was to hear how much they loved her and thought she was a "Saint" I could have stayed another week with those two boys.

When I walked in my room last night yawning, I just dropped my bag on the floor, I knew I would sleep well. Georgia was already on my bed and as soon as I laid down insisted at least a hour of a good scratch and rub from her mom. Finally Georgia settled in and I closed my eyes. What do you know, hour later eyes still closed but no sleep yet. Most of my family and friends know I am having a awful time sleeping lately. Finally I fell asleep late in the night.

I would say the dream came around 7am because I woke up shortly after. I often dream and usually remember each one. The dream this morning has had my eyes filled with tears since I woke. Here is my dream......

I was with Mom and we were walking around a place that reminded me of a resort. The air was so fresh and clean, a beautiful sunny day. I just felt happy. Mom walking beside me and laughing. It felt like one of our perfect Saturday or Sunday outings. We are walking along in this area that felt like a huge courtyard where we see a large crowd. A tennis match between girls is drawing the crowd. Mom asks if I want to stop and watch, we watch for the last set of the match and Mom said "Lets go shop more" That's where I look down and see Mom has a bunch of shopping bags. It's going to sound odd but they were the most beautiful shopping bags. Pinks, yellows, bows on the bags, stripes, polka dots, just adorable bags. I then realize I am holding a stack of clothes in my arms. We turn a corner and there is my Aunt Melba. Aunt Melba looks incredible and just looks so happy. She smiles and hugs us and tells us to come for lunch. We then are sitting at a table with beautiful linens and this restaurant is just so amazing. The silverware has a leopard print on the handle. Glass chandeliers everywhere. Pink cushions. Candles are lit and the room smells amazing. Wine glasses filled with ice cold water are waiting for us. Mom and I had been shopping all day so we enjoyed this. The waitress comes over and brings a flute of champagne, drinks it all in one sip and sets it on the table. She said "Champagne for everyone is how it works here" We each have a glass of champagne (even Aunt Melba)
We all have huge salads and Aunt Melba carries most of the conversation. I don't think I have ever seen her just so happy. I remember joking with two men sitting beside us. Aunt Melba turned red and said "Oh Carrie Lynn" to a joke I told them. We have a great lunch and then it is time to go. Aunt Melba left, Mom and I continue to leave the restaurant where we come to a boutique. Purses everywhere, jewelry, scarves, I just cant describe in words how beautiful this boutique is. Mom looks at me and said "Do you want a new purse"
I reply "Mom I just want to set these clothes down, I don't like walking around with all my clothes in my arms"
Mom just pats my arm and with a smile replies " You cant set them down, you have a broken heart"
I remember trying to think why do I have a broken heart, is it from Drew, did I meet someone new and he broke my heart and then I knew. I had a broken heart over my Mom.
I then asked her "When does it stop"
She is smiling and still shopping, turns to me and said "Time for a fresh start Carrie, new everything. A new life, new career"
I asked "what is my career now"
She just smiled
I asked "what should I do Mom"
Again, she just smiled.
I felt like I was trying so hard to figure out the date and place
I asked " Am I alone Mom"
Again she just smiled.
I sat on this bench right by the front door of the boutique. I looked at the clothes I was holding.
I looked at Mom and said "I really don't like walking around with all these clothes Mom. I feel so stupid"
She came over to me and said "You have a broken heart"
That is when I began to cry and I said "Mom, I really miss you "
The front door then opened and next thing I know Mom is leaving the boutique, she turns around and is almost floating away from me. She smiles and said "You just don't know how much I miss you"
And then she was gone. I am still in the boutique, holding all these clothes and crying.

I woke up and sure enough was crying. The dream felt so real. I felt like I could taste our drinks and lunch. I could smell the restaurant. The clothes felt heavy. But most of all, I truly felt like I had just talked to my Mom. I tried so hard to fall back asleep because I wanted to have another dream. I wanted Mom to come back and talk to me again.

I told Pop about my dream. He cried, he believes that it does have a meaning. All I know is I want to fall back asleep and go right back to this dream.

Does it mean something? Did Mom come talk to me?

Fight for Clean Air

2010-01-17T19:54:00.000-08:00

I am participating in the 2010 Fight for Clean Air to raise money for the American Lung Association. I am doing this in memory of mom and because I feel so strong about bringing awareness and education about lung cancer. Lung cancer is the #1 killer of all cancer and is the least funded. This has to end. People need to become aware and educated that you do not have to be a smoker to be affected by this awful disease. My Mom was a beautiful healthy lifelong non-smoker woman whose life was cut entirely too short by this awful disease. Please help me in this fight by donating to my climb!! On March 6th 2010 I will be climbing The Metropolitan Building in downtown St. Louis, Missouri. This event is a vertical race to climb 42 floors. Here is the link to my personal pagehttps://www.mrsnv.com/evt/e01/part.jsp?id=2821&acct=9001308197&rid=1103480&part=fundPlease pass this along to all your friends and family . My goal is $1000.00 but I would love to raise more!! Thank you all

Scrooge

2009-11-16T06:10:00.000-08:00

Writing again on this blog. According to some books I am reading this is great therapy for me dealing with the aftermath. I will go with it and try. I think at this point many have stopped reading the blog bc well, no new updates concerning mom. Just me rambling about how hard it is and who really wants to read all that. I start a grief support group Wednesday. Pop has been going to two different ones and I knew I needed to give it a try. Its called Motherless Daughters and is made up of adult women who lost their moms. Can you even imagine the amount of tissues used at this meeting? I know it may help and if nothing else I will be surrounded by other women who probably miss their moms as much as I do.

So with that little tiny update about how we are doing....one of the steps to try to get through the holidays is remember. Why this will make me feel better, I don't know. Instead I have found it did the opposite and made me think of everything I will miss this holiday season. I have turned into Scrooge. I have seen trees up in peoples windows and honestly it makes me sick. So here is what I will miss.....

- The discussion of Black Friday starting Nov. 1. Where will we go? What we will look for? And then we end up at Bread Company bc lines are too long and we say never again.
- Getting phone calls during Nov and Dec about what she will make for Christmas Open House. Coming over to the house and she would have new recipes covering the counter. Then open House rolls around and she would not have made any new recipes and just stuck to what she knew.
-Watching my Pop run to the basement day of Open House bc he claimed she turned into a Hyatt. It was the one day if you were hiding in a closet and she did not know you were here that she would cuss like crazy, the minute the doorbell rang she turned back into the women we all loved and adored. There...now you all know a big secret.
-Listening to her frantic phone calls about where she had hid gifts. She was always worried Pop would find out how much she bought and who she bought for. She was known to forget where she had hidden gifts and instead of really looking, she would just go buy more. Literally drove my Pop insane.
-She still put presents under the tree from Santa. Signed the gift tag and all.
-That she would always look forward to playing the dice game at Uncle Jimmy's and do her famous dance if she won money.
-How excited she would get every Christmas morning about drinking mimosa's. Pop would roll his eyes bc he knew it would just take one and she would be buzzed at 8 in the morning and sure enough that is what would happen.
-Every time we went shopping and I would point at something I liked. I got either two reactions...the deer in the headlight look meaning she already had bought it for me (she knew me too well) or I heard why do you go look over there for a bit meaning she was going to buy it and really thought I would have no idea.
-That she bought my cats Christmas presents. One from Grandma and one from Santa. Yes, she really did.
-the fact that she could look at each homemade ornament on her tree and tell you where I made it, what year I made it and probably even what outfit I had one while making it.
-She would get more excited than a 5 year old over Christmas lights.
-Her pumpkin pie
-She would ask all week long what I was wearing Christmas Day, I always had no idea. Santa would always have a gift under the tree that the moment I opened it, I would hear"You could wear that today"
-The night I would come over to help decorate the tree. We would play Christmas music and drive my Pop insane. She always complained he never put enough lights on the tree, he would disappear to his office the rest of the night.
-I pretty much knew if I was living in St. Louis to make no plans for any Saturday during the month of Nov or Dec bc we would shop all day.
-Her cheesy potatoes

Too many to write and tears have arrived.
As far as I am concerned, holidays are cancelled.

2 months

2009-11-04T21:00:00.000-08:00

How can it already be two months????? When does it start to get easier??

So here I am again writing on this blog. Pop is going to weekly grief meetings and I am avoiding it all. I was doing better last month than now. Maybe its the fact the diet coke cans already have snowflakes on them or stores have Christmas crap all over the place. Halloween was hard enough without her. How in the hell do Pop and I handle Thanksgiving and Christmas?

I left my job. Maybe I was not ready to go back or maybe the fact I was dealing with patients from the cancer center every shift did it. I just could not face it another day. Some may say it was good to work now and get me out but I just could not take another patient from the cancer center.

I still have been spending most time with my cousins. Over the Halloween weekend I did go out with my dear Anne who made me laugh every chance she had. Anne also gave me the most beautiful gift, I was able to hear Moms voice. Anne kept a voicemail mom left her and I finally was ready to hear it. I listened twice before handing the phone back, I could have just laid down and put it on repeat all night.

I am still struggling with people in my life. Still those that feel I have changed too much and tired of my ongoing mood changes. Still those that feel I am not myself. I have sat back and tried to view their points but at same time wonder if they have done the same for me. Sad what times like this brings to light.

I miss her more each day and wonder when that time comes where it will become easier. I hope soon

I love you Mom

Mom's Birthday

2009-10-19T22:25:00.000-07:00

Today would have been Mom's birthday. I had not planned to write anymore on the blog but it was a rough day and sleep is just not coming tonight. I was off today and had many telling me to go out and celebrate her. I just could not do it. Instead I found myself in bed with the blinds closed tight watching nothing but bad tv. Pop drove out to the cemetery. I have not been yet. I had thought I would go so many times by now but cant seem to make myself go.

Pop was better today which surprised me. He had a pretty rough time last week. I am so worried about him. He just looks so sad all the time. I have good days followed by a couple of bad ones. Yesterday and today were just bad days.

I am trying hard not to feel sorry for myself but I just miss her. I miss her so. I try hard to make myself get out of bed and get out. I am spending time with my cousins Kevin and David who have been there for me. They have been awesome.

It will a month and two weeks this Thursday. I don't know what else to write. I just miss my mom. I miss my best friend. I miss the one person who I could tell anything to. I miss the one person who was my biggest supporter. I miss the one person who could make me feel 10 times better by just a hug. I miss her voice. I miss our Saturdays spent together. I miss her so much.

If her birthday was this hard, I cant imagine what the holidays will be like. I wish I could fall asleep and wake to January.

I miss you Mom.

Going on a Month

2009-10-05T17:13:00.000-07:00

This Thursday will be a month since mom passed. A month. At times it does seem it has been that long and then it seems it has been a day. I remember that night so well. I had just finished chatting online with a dear friend that always made me smile, went in her room to give her medicine. Walked in and knew right away she was going. I tried so hard not to cry as I held her hand and told her it was ok. I wanted her to hear my voice without tears. I don't know how long I sat there just holding her hand. I remember looking across the hall and staring at Pops door. I knew I somehow had to go open that door and tell him she was gone. Hardest thing I ever did.

Everyone keeps asking how we are doing. I never really know how to answer that. I usually smile softly and say we are making it. Truth is this house feels so empty. Its little things, its opening the fridge and not seeing it packed full bc Mom would buy everything. Last week my dear Tara had me in Disney World. I was very nervous to leave Pop. Tara felt it would do me good to get away and go to the happiest place on earth. I could not believe how much I missed my Pop while there. I must have called him 5 times a day. I found myself mostly spending my days alone and in the long run I think that was good. I went to Epcot, Magic Kingdom, and Hollywood Studios. Each time I would want to go back to the hotel and just sleep, I would feel a little push on my back. I knew it was Mom and I knew she was telling me to get out and have fun. I know if I would have been able to call her and tell her I was out alone I would hear her say I could never do that, I am so proud of you. I even had a sweet glass of wine at Epcot just for her. It was awful but she would have enjoyed it.

I go back to work tomorrow and while I know it will be good for me, I am dreading it. I am dreading having a patient from the cancer center come in for a scan. I don't know if I will be the same at work after this. Maybe in a way I will be better but maybe I will no longer be good at my job. I am not sure.

I really am not sure about anything anymore. I find myself wanting to spend most of my time with family. Pop and I spend time together like we never had before. My cousins David and Kevin have simply been wonderful.

I know Mom would want me to keep going and enjoy each day. I know she is right here with me but so hard not to hear her. So hard not to hug her. Pop is really struggling and I do worry about him with me going back to work. I really want to go back to working 12 hour nights but worry about what that will do to him. I would be gone evenings and sleep days. Not sure if that would be good for him. At the same time I can hear mom telling me to do it and do what I want. Not to sound selfish but I miss having my own place. No way I could leave Pop though. Maybe after first of the year I can decide.

Holidays are fast approaching. How will Pop and I celebrate this year?

I had thought I was done writing. Maybe just not yet. Maybe because I really don't like to talk about my feelings yet. Pop is attending grief meetings every Monday, I am just not ready to do that.

I miss her everyday. Well here goes the waterworks, time to stop for now.
I love you Mom

Dear Cancer

2009-09-19T08:23:00.000-07:00

Dear Cancer,

My Mom always told me if I had something very important to say and could not find the best time to tell the person, a letter was always best. I could write out everything I would want to say. Well cancer I have a lot to say to you. Mom also always told me to never say I hate someone or something, instead say I dislike. I think though this is one case where Mom will let me slide. I hate you cancer, I truly hate you.

You crept into our lives unexpectedly and so quickly. I never thought it would happen to Mom. I still don't understand. How could you find a way into her lungs, a woman who never smoked, a woman who did everything right?

I could go on and on in this letter about how much I hate you. I could keep asking why. I am not going to do that though. Instead I am just going to let you know, you may have taken her but you will not take my spirit, my love for life. You have taken my Mom from me and for that I truly hate you. But you will not take me. Mom would not want that. So while I really just want to lay in bed with covers over my head and cry, I am not going to do so. You will not take my laughter, my smile, my love for life. I am going to get up each day and smile bigger, laugh harder, live more, and think of Mom every single day.

You will lose this fight one day, you have affected far too many lives. We will find a way to beat you one day cancer.

What Now?

2009-09-15T09:02:00.000-07:00

Alone for the very first time in this house since it all happened. We have had a houseful for weeks and I cant remember the last time when it just was Mom, Pop, and I here. Now Mom is gone and Pop is driving Aunt Thelma, Uncle Fred, and Kathy Lynn to the airport.

I cant begin to write about all my emotions. The last two days were just exhausting and overwhelming. I wanted to run out the door at the visitation for Mom. I had some wonderful rocks beside my side though. Certain cousins and dear friends are very good at reading my expressions and knew when to come over and take me out for air. I think I said Thank You and OK a million times that day. I admit I did not hear each person talking to me, the words went right over my head. I kept thinking Oh Mom, I need you here.

I arrived early that day. I just had to make sure she would look beautiful for my Pop. I wanted to make sure her lipstick was right and not too much makeup. I knew her hair would look good (thanks Ellen) and wanted to check her outfit. I was able to put her wedding ring on her finger. She looked beautiful and so at peace. Everyone kept telling me how great she looked.

Yesterday was hard. As I drove Kathy Lynn and I to the church, I began to feel sick. How could I be driving to my Mom's funeral? Pastor Ryan walked Pop and I down the isle, sat in the pew, and tears came rolling. Mom had talked to me about what she would like for her funeral. I followed each wish. Pastor Ryan was amazing and I had no doubt he would be. What a wonderful speaker he is. The fact that Ryan knows my family brings such comfort. He spoke from his heart about my Mom. My Pop asked three special people to read bible verses. Moms dear friend Dana, our sweet Anne, and my favorite Peach...Kathy Lynn. I made a few promises to Mom, one being I would speak. I walked up to the pulpit and froze. I remember turning back to Ryan for support. Big hug and a whisper of You can do it, I turned back around and read my speech. Everyone told me I had the whole church in tears, I just asked if they could actually understand the words. At one point in my speech I asked everyone to stand up and hug the person to their left and right because if my Mom was there she would be hugging each of them. I could not even look up to see that moving moment. I was shaking and felt like I would fall walking back down the steps. I said to Kathy, "I think I was shaking" Kathy just smiled and said "Oh honey, yes, your legs were going a mile a minute, your dress was shaking, honey even your hair was shaking but you did it" My Pop walked up to read a favorite poem he and Mom shared. I was so proud of him. It was a very long day.

Kathy Lynn and I went to Fraileys after it all. My Pops side of the family has a bit of a tradition. Fraileys is our spot after each family affair no matter what it is. Kathy Lynn just loves Pops nephews. She has told many times over the last couple days she feels better knowing I have them. When we left Fraileys I began to realize my days would no longer be full of visitors. I have been surrounded for weeks now. I am already not enjoying the quiet house.

So where do I go with this blog. I have grown so attached to it. Each day I would either write or read it. It gave me a way to vent, a way to thank, and a way to keep everyone informed. Do I continue to write about struggles I may have in the next coming weeks? Do I still keep it for days when I want to write about Mom? Do I end it as her fight is over? I have no idea, maybe I will have my answer soon.

I could write pages more of the last two days. Thank you to so many that held me up the last two days... you know who you are!!

I love you Mom!!

She is finally at Peace

2009-09-10T09:07:00.000-07:00

My beautiful Mom went to her heavenly home last night. I have written about her battle from the beginning so I feel the I should write about the end.

I apologize to anyone who reads the news. Pop and I have started a pretty big phone tree to spread the word. Phone has been ringing off the hook. Family and friends offered to call many which has helped so much.

Some may not want to read the rest of this blog so will write about the arrangements first. Mom's visitation will be this Sunday from 4-8pm at Schrader Funeral Home on Manchester Road. The funeral will be held on Monday at St. Johns Lutheran Church of Ellisville. A short visitation from 10am-11am followed by the funeral at 11 am. We will then have a buffet lunch at the church and then who ever wishes can proceed to Jefferson Barracks. It will be in the St, Louis Post Dispatch on Saturday and Sunday.

I have to write the rest to get it out. Again, if you do not wish to read about what happened last night please stop now. Last night it was just Pop, Aunt Thelma, and myself. They both went to bed pretty early. Aunt Thelma was a little nervous to go to bed because I was feeling pretty sick. I assured her I would be ok. I wrote on the blog about our earlier in the evening. Watched some bad tv and then chatted online with my dear crush. I went in just a few minutes after midnight to give her medicine. Lights were off except our little nightlight like always. I walked in and said "medicine time Mom" just like always. I knew, I knew the minute the words had left my mouth. I watched her take her last few breaths, I made my feet move fast and pulled back the comforter. I placed my hands in correct position to start CPR and began to sob. I knew she would not want me to start CPR and I fought with myself to listen to her wishes. I am still so troubled over the fact that I did not start it. I know it was the right thing to do but it is killing me. I told her I loved her and she was gone. I have no idea how long I stayed by her side till I went to wake my Pop. I had told myself that I would be so strong for him when it happened and I lost it. I know Pop woke up and saw me, he knew right away. I sunk to my knees in the hallway. I am not sure if Pop woke Aunt Thelma or if she heard us. I went back in her room and changed her clothes. She had on one of her favorite Pillsbury shirts and I wanted to keep it. I then asked Pop for nail polish remover so I could paint her nails pink. I remember Aunt Thelma helping me not get paint all over and Pop kept talking to me. Pop called hospice and Uncle Jimmy. I called Kathy, Tara Rose, David, and Dana. I got sick from then on about 6 times. Uncle Jimmy and Aunt Jo Anne were here in no time. Felt like my cousin David was here five minutes after I called him. I mostly just stayed in David's arms or right beside him. I felt like a little lost girl just looking for someone to take care of me and tell me what to do. Pop was a rock, he in some ways was ready. He has been grieving for awhile, I did not allow myself to do so. Pop told me I had been the strong one and now it was his turn. I could not talk to Hospice. I simply told her to make sure her nails were dry. Pop asked David to take me on a drive while the funeral home came to pick Mom up. I think I repeatedly said I did not want to be here. I knew my strength would only carry me so far. I knew I would stay strong for Mom while she was here and needed me. Now I am lost. I am so lost. I find myself staring off in space and feeling so very numb. Why why why?? How did this happen?

Uncle Jimmy and Aunt Jo Anne left before 4am to go home. David left shortly there after. he told me I could go home with him but we both decided I needed to stay here so I could go with Pop this morning to Schrader. I did not want to leave Davids side. Best hugs ever and he was just so wonderful to me. He looked out for me the whole time he was here, all I had to do was move a foot and he was right there.

Pop, Aunt Thelma and I stayed in the living room. Aunt Thelma fell asleep in the recliner and Pop said he would try to get some sleep. I went to my room but no sleep would come. Kathy Lynn called to check on me about 5am or so and then Anne called. I never did go to sleep, Pop and I were at Scharder at 8:30am.

We are home now with more phone calls. I am just frozen on the couch. I just had to write, I just had to. Anne is on her way. Pop is on the phone non-stop

I cant write much more. Maybe more later.

Thank you for all the support and prayers.

I love you Mom! You fought hard my love. I miss you so much already. I know you are with Ma, Aunt Bertha, and Aunt LoLo. I bet Uncle Mike is right beside you making you laugh your ass off. So much love Mom!!

I just love egg drop soup and facebook

2009-09-09T19:49:00.000-07:00

I have been in bed all day. Pop kept coming down to check on me and I know he is getting worried. My side is killing me. Pain has been coming and going last couple of weeks but yesterday it really flared up on me and today hit a peak. I should not be surprised with all the stress, that is one thing that may cause a flare up. I know if I call the Dr she is just going to get on my case about repeating the surgery. Just can not do that right now.

I am so relieved Pop is now comfortable with Moms medicine. I am able to rest and sleep now. I am sure the fact I went about 5 days with 2-3 hours of sleep daily did not help matters. Hospice was here this afternoon. Nurse told Aunt Thelma and Pop she could not believe she was here today. She was off over the weekend and last two days so we had other nurses here. She said Mom was a fighter and shocked she is still here with us.

My sweet Sarah called to check on me and was upset to hear about my side. She is one who knows first hand how sick I was. She does not want me to go through all that mess again. Knows how much I love egg drop soup especially when I am sick so she brought me some this evening. Tonight was the first night she met Aunt Thelma and just loved her. Sarah said she just wanted to close her eyes and listen to her because she reminded her so much of Mom. My close dear friends just adore my Mom. They all have grown so close to her over the years. Sarah wanted to go in and see Mom. She had not been here in a couple of weeks, last time she was here Mom was still talking. Sarah walked in and sat down to talk to her and just broke. I know it is so very hard for everyone to see her like this. I rubbed her back and started telling Mom how Sarah brought me egg drop soup. I know Mom was smiling on the inside and then probably thinking you better not be sick Carrie :)

Once again when I logged into facebook this evening I had many emails. I can not begin to tell y'all how much support I am receiving. If it was not for facebook, so many people that I would never have kept up with or that would never know about Mom. I have people writing me I have not talked to in 20 years. Each one makes me smile and builds me up again. How many offer a shoulder or a night out, I am just so ... whats the word...not sure. It just means so much. When Mom first was diagnosed I would tell her so and so emailed me about her. She would get so tickled by all the support. I am amazed by it and appreciate it so.

I keep hugging Aunt Thelma. She is about the same size as Mom and I swear gives hugs just like Mom. Tonight before she went to bed she said those words we all say in this family. Goodnight, Sweet Dreams, I love you. Gave me a hug and I had a hard time letting go. I wish Mom would just open her eyes and sit up, give me one of those amazing hugs. Oh how I wish I could hear her voice. I miss her so. I know she is still here but its so hard. Nurse compared it to a coma. I hate it and I know she hates it. Maybe she is trying to make it easier for us. Still here but not here. Trying in same way to let us not have her talking. Does that make sense? I don't know, I need to stop trying to figure out what she is holding onto. I could drive myself nuts trying to figure it out. I don't think I will ever grow use to not talking to her, not having her with me. I know she will always be with me but.....

I love you Mom

One hour at a time.....

RV, Forklifts, and of course Raccoons

2009-09-08T19:38:00.000-07:00

Anne spent the night last night. We watched a interesting movie called Margot at the Wedding. Anne picked it so I can blame her for wasting 2 hours of our night :) We found humor in it of course but we find humor in everything.

Mom is still the same. No change. I am no longer listening to the nurses. According to two, it would be a miracle if Mom was still with us on Sunday. Here it is Tuesday and still here. Not quite sure what she is holding on to but she is a strong woman and I guess she is not going out without a fight. I miss her. I miss her voice, her laugh, her smile. I miss being able to talk to her on the phone for hours. I believe she can still hear us but its getting harder to sit and talk to her. I want to yell "wake up"

I have slept the last two days. I was wore out and just done. Pop is finally comfortable with helping give her medicine. That is so helpful and a huge load of my shoulders.

My cousin Chad was here with us most of the night. I love talking to Chad. He really listens and while we might be in the middle of a deep talk, he finds a way to make me feel safe and laugh at the same time. Our night consisted of talks about buying a RV, watching youtube videos of four wheelers with many comments from me of "that's something you would do Chad" and of course ending the night watching my raccoons eat. Chad is going to build them a jungle gym in the backyard. ha

Our front door remains unlocked now. Seems this house is never without visitors. I know it helps Pop and I. Mom would yell at us for having everyone over without having the house sparkling clean.

It will be a month this Thursday that Mom has had no food. No water for over a week now. I cant remember when she said I love you last. I do know that was the last thing she said to me. I miss her so. Cant write anymore, tears will start.

I love you Mom
One hour at a time.......

Hope and Fear

2009-09-06T21:04:00.000-07:00

Completely focused but drained. Anne came over when she got off work yesterday to stay with me. I had not left Moms room but to get a drink or make sure everyone was okay. I heard the front door open and just knew it was Anne. There she was in the doorway and saw me holding Mom. She walked right over, kicked off her shoes, and cuddled right up next to me. I finally felt safe.

Anne stayed right there with me all night. Greg came over and brought us dinner. He also laid down with us. Mom, Anne, Greg, and I had a slumber party. We watched Clue on the laptop and I know Mom could hear it. She knows how much Anne and I love that movie. I know she was happy to hear our laughter.

Greg went home and Anne and I continued to stay with Mom. Around 1am I told Anne that I felt we needed to go into the living room. After what we were told by the nurses in terms of time, I feel like Mom is waiting for something. I just don't know what. I thought maybe she was waiting for me to leave the room. Maybe in a way she is still looking out for Pop and I. Anne and I came out to the living room. Anne fell asleep around 3 and I stayed awake till 5:30am. I was able to sleep till 8am.

I am exhausted today. No big changes with Mom today. She scared me quite a bit earlier. Each time I walk in that room I have overwhelming feelings of hope and fear all at once. Hope that I will see her chest rise and hear her breathe, fear that I will not.

Pop is a little off today. I am so worried about him. Fadler, Kevin and Toni came today. I was so tempted to tell fadler to throw me in this truck and drive me far far away. I really clung to both Kevin and Fadler when they left. Our dear friend Dana also came this afternoon. Her kindness inspires me. She has been so wonderful to my Pop and I.

I wish I knew what Mom was feeling, what she is thinking. I wish I knew if there was something she is waiting for.

I have more to write and I know it would help to get it all out. I just cant seem to find the right words.

First night where it is just Pop, Aunt Thelma, and myself. I am praying for strength tonight to stay awake and handle what the night may bring. I think I am coming very close to my last leg, I am emotionally so exhausted and physically completely drained. I just wish I could hear her voice to bring me just a little more strength.

I Love You Mom

One minute at a time..........

Goodnight, Sweet Dreams, I Love You

2009-09-05T12:18:00.000-07:00

My Mom has said these words to me each night we were together, talked on the phone, etc for as long as I can remember. I love hearing her say it.

Last night was rough. Dana and Robin came over to stay with us. Uncle Jimmy, Aunt JoAnn, Chad, Leslie, and CJ stayed till after 9pm. Kim (angel nurse) called to check on things and after hearing my voice told me she was coming over. She did and walked in the door with her PJ's and told me she would just stay. Kim was able to better explain certain things to Aunt Thelma , Dana , and Robin and she answered each question/concern they had. Pop had fallen asleep on the couch around 7pm and someone told him to just go to bed. He only got up twice last night so I was glad he was able to sleep.

Around 2am, we became concerned with her breathing. It was growing further and further apart. I was sitting on the twin bed in the room just watching her when next thing I know I am up, moving a chair out in the hallway, moved the bedside table, and then moved the twin bed all the way over to Mom's bed. I was crying as I moved everything around, Kim and Dana watched knowing I guess that I just had to do it. I was only focused on being able to hold my Mom. Moved the bed all the over, got in and snuggled right up to Mom. I said"Mom lets go to sleep, Goodnight Sweet Dreams I Love You. I had broke. Really broke. I sang the song she and my Pop both sang to me each night when I was little. I sang You are my sunshine. I could not get all the words out but I know she knew I was singing to her. I cried harder than I had in the last couple of weeks. I just let it all out.

I stayed there all night and fell asleep around 4am. Kim left around 6am. Robin and Dana came in to check on us and left around 7am to go home and get some sleep. Aunt Thelma and fallen asleep in the recliner and I did not want to disturb her. I laid there with Mom and talked her ear off some more. I heard the front door around 8am and thought It would be Uncle Jimmy. There he was, came in and told me to sleep more with my Mom and got the coffee started. I stayed in there with her till almost 2pm today. I slept, I really slept. Held her hand the whole time and even had wonderful dreams.

I know she can still hear me. While it is no longer her eyes that flutter, I know she can still see me. Pop is having a hard time going in to see her. I cant think of anything else I would rather do than be right next to her. Her breathing is continually growing further apart and she is getting cold. I still believe she is not in pain. I got up for a bit just to check on everyone here and saw the laptop. I knew I had to write. I had to remember this last night. I had to remember being able to snuggle up right next to her, take her hand, and fall asleep. I have never slept better. I think she knew how tired I was and helped me sleep so good.

I love you Mom

One minute at a time.....

Not much to say

2009-09-04T13:25:00.000-07:00

I did not sleep last night. I could no longer hear Mom well enough on the monitor so I stayed on the twin bed next to her. Watched almost the whole season of Big Brother on fancast while listening to her breathe.

She had a rough night. I increased her pain med to every hour. She is in more pain but I think we have it under control now. Her breathing is awful and to the point where Pop can not stay in room. Its hard to hear.

I could not sleep. Too many times I thought she had gone because of her breathing patterns now. I am numb today. I feel asleep at 7am and awoke to Kim (moms angel nurse) Kim came to see Mom and us before she went to work. She was here last night as well. She really got attached to Mom during her treatment. She has been such a blessing to our family. I got up and told her about last night. Told me I made the right call to increase med. She stayed and had breakfast with us.

Our wonderful friend Dana came over to stay with Aunt Thelma and Mom while Pop and I went to make arrangements. We needed to go. We needed to have it out of the way. One of the hardest things Pop and I have ever done. Surprisingly we both agreed on everything. I feel strongly that Mom would pick out the same. Walked in the door and Dana looked white. She was alarmed about Moms breathing. It is hard to hear and gives you a bad feeling. That deep pit of the stomach feeling while your eyes well up and then you just go numb. Never felt anything like I do the last couple of days. I know what is coming and I worry each time I walk in that room.

Dana and I went shopping when I got home. She told me I needed to go get something to wear. We were back within a hour and a half. Dana jokes she is now a speed shopper because she has two little ones. Dana picked it out and its perfect. Little pink for my mom and I can wear her pearls I love. I could not pick anything out, I was just numb.

Trying to get Pop to get out for a bit. I am worried about him being here when it happens. I know he wants to be here but I wish for him not to be. I don't want him to see. I know I will not be able to pick him up because I will be in my own mess. I just don't want him to see.

Dana told me once again how strong I am being and how wonderful. I keep hearing that word. Strong. I don't feel strong. I really don't. I feel like breaking at any minute. I want to crawl in a dark hole and never come out. But I have to make sure she stays comfortable. I will NOT allow her to be in pain. I have to keep this up a little longer. Cant break just yet.

I love you Mom
One hour at a time....

How does anyone shop for this?

2009-09-03T19:24:00.000-07:00

Anne came over when she got off work today. Hospice nurse was till here and no changes with Mom. Pop and I had talked earlier about Anne coming over and what I would ask her to go do with me.

Sat around a bit and then asked Anne if she would go shopping with me for Mom. She said yes of course and off we went. How does one even begin to shop for that outfit. We both had ideas in mind and pretty much on the exact same page. Anne knows Mom's style well and what she would like. Pretty overwhelming and felt like the same day when Anne and I had gone shopping for her party outfit. Lots of maybes and shrugs but we were determined to find the perfect outfit. Went to Macy's and just saw nothing. Walked down to Ann Taylor but that had us both saying yes. Few other stores and then found ourselves back at the White/Black House Market. We both were looking and then Anne pulled it out! I knew the minute she found the jacket. I found the skirt. That is my Mom. Perfect for her.

Pop had told us to find something for me. That did not happen. Instead we went to California Pizza Kitchen so I could have a glass of wine. Anne had a lemon drop martini and she kept me laughing. The plan was after a drink we would continue shopping. I did try, I really did. It just was not the night for me to shop. It wore me out finding a outfit for Mom. So glad Anne went with me and we found the perfect one.

We got home and Pop, Aunt Thelma, and Aunt JoAnne were all sitting around the kitchen table. I pulled it out of the garment bag and was met with smiles and nods from them all. They all agreed it was so Mom and just beautiful.

Feel dazed if I am not with people the last few days. Trying to stay busy and keep people around me. I hate this!

I love you Mom

One hour at a time...........

Burglar and Roger all in one night

2009-09-03T10:05:00.000-07:00

I was going to write this at 5am but really felt like I could sleep so here is a funny, sad, and all around odd night at our house late last night.

Aunt Thelma went o bed a little after 10pm. My Pop decided to start shutting his door at night again which is ok due to I will not need to get Mom up anymore for the bathroom. Aunt Thelma wanted to keep her door open so she could hear Mom. I have been sleeping upstairs on the couch for over a month now and still did not want to go to my room last night. Mom coughed a few times but nothing like the night before last. The medicine is really helping control the cough.

Around 2am I was on the couch reading with Georgia Mae snuggled under the covers with me. The back deck is right next to the couch with a big sliding glass door. No steps to get to the deck but a retaining wall is close enough where someone could climb if they had the talent. I heard a big clunk and thought someone just jumped on the deck. Georgia came right out from underneath the covers and jumped on back of couch and her tail was just wagging. First thought came to mind the vase on the coffee table and how I could hit them over the head. ha. I finally sat up to look and expected to see a masked man. I saw something alright. And she did have a black mask over her eyes and I call her Big Momma. My raccoon Big Momma climbed up the deck post and was sitting on the upper deck. I jumped up and saw I had left the empty fruit loop box outside. Big Momma had her head shoved down in the box . Then to my right I noticed one of the babies had also climbed up. I laugh and say oh shit at the same time. Mom happened to cough which made Aunt Thelma get up to look in on her and I came flying down the hallway. "Aunt Thelma, raccoons are on the deck"
She was half asleep and said "downstairs on the patio honey"
'NO, upstairs"
She was awake then and followed me to the kitchen. I turned on the back deck light and there they were just hanging out. Aunt Thelma's hand flew over her mouth to control her giggles. I was trying to not let my mouth drop to the floor. Big Momma sees me at the door, walks right over to it and sits down and gives me a look of "you got any more fruit loops"
Aunt Thelma and I were dying. I asked if I should go out and move the box and Aunt Thelma said Nooooooooo.
Then Aunt Thelma in between her giggles said" your daddy is going to shit" ha. And she did not spell it. They finally climbed down and we both agreed to not tell Pop.

Around 4am I felt like I could sleep. The monitor was right beside me and I felt Mom was comfortable and it would be ok to fall asleep. Almost to dream land and I hear Pop walk in living room. He goes in laundry room and pulls towels out of the dryer and starts folding. ummm.... "uh Pop, what are you doing"
"I just cant sleep"
Ok, so I think he will fold a few towels and go back to bed. He continues to fold and starts taking them to the bathroom. Last load was washcloths and is he starting to head down hallway when he stops, goes to recliner and sits there just holding the washcloths. I don't say anything at first. Living room is dark and I want to sleep. I finally say
"You want to talk Pop"
"No"
You want the tv on"
"No'
"You want something to eat"
"No"
"You want me to talk"
"No"
"You wanna play cards"
"No"
At this point I want to ask if he is aware its 4am and he is sitting in the dark holding washcloths but I bite my tongue. I then thought I should tell him about the raccoons to
1. Make him laugh or
2. Make him get his mind off things

I was just about to tell him when option 3 popped in my mind and I saw his hands flying up and washcloths going everywhere while he yells that the raccoons are taking over the house and the next thing we know, they will start just walking in the patio door. I decided to it was best to not tell him the story.

"Pop, you gotta give me a hint here"
"I just want to sit Carrie, I just want to sit"
After about 15 minutes he got up and went back to bed. Poor Pop.

I know Kathy Lynn is reading this and just dying. My cousin Chad is probably rolling on the floor after reading this because just last night while he was here he joked about them climbing up to the upper deck. My Pop told him he was going to buy a pellet gun. I told Pop unless he wanted a pellet shot in his ass in the middle of the night, he better not touch my raccoons! I know Sarah is going to read this and say"Oh Carrie" :)

I still think its funny. But like I told Chad last night, I now sit up on the upper deck and toss food down so I will not be tempted to let them get so close. It was to the point where they walked right up to me while I sat downstairs patio to feed them. Now Big Momma is climbing up. ha ha ha. I love it. Mom would just get the biggest kick out of this but she would also say not to tell Pop. Pop would kill me for this one.

Ellen just came by and brought us goodies from Psghetti's. Yummy. Uncle Jimmy stopped by. Pop and Aunt Thelma left to go see Uncle Bruce. Nurse should be here in about a hour.

Its a beautiful day out. Wish Mom could get out and enjoy it with me. I love you Mom

One hour at a time............

Stay Strong

2009-09-02T20:24:00.000-07:00

I hear my Mom's voice all day and night telling me to stay strong.

Lets start with Pops birthday. It was good. Many calls and warm Birthday wishes. He needed that and so glad so many thought of him.

Hospice nurse came today. I knew late last night that Moms hip was dislocated, I just knew it. I was right. Left hip is dislocated, we knew it was in her bones and being Mom is so tiny and frail it should not come as a surprise. With this deep sleep she is in, we believe she had her leg in a position where she dislocated it. Nurse ordered a mattress that came flat where I could tuck and roll underneath her and then it blows up. This should make her more comfortable. We also went to liquid pain meds that I can give her by syringe. Huge help and much easier for Mom. Also decided to put in a foley which will be all around better for Mom. Nurse stayed almost two hours and it worked out well. Pop was picking up Aunt Thelma at the airport when she arrived so she and I had a good amount of time to talk. I knew what she was going to tell me and I am staying strong.

I know it was hard for Aunt Thelma to see her dear sister like this. There was no one or words to try to prepare her for what she saw but we tried our best. I am just happy she is here and I know Mom knows she is here.

Robin and Dana brought Pop a great birthday meal along with a cake. I know he enjoyed that and he deserved it!!!! Shortly after they left, my cousin Chad, Leslie, and sweet CJ came over to deliver in person Pops birthday card. They stayed awhile with us, we all sat outside and watched my raccoons chow down on Fruit Loops. (Yes I buy them Fruit Loops but its a once a week treat because that box is $3.85 and they eat it all in one night) Dad even watched them but would yell Davey Crockett and talk about what great hats they would make..ha.

Hospice will now be here each day and call each night to check on us. I know it is coming and I will continue to be strong.

She is in a deep sleep and while I miss seeing her eyes open and hearing her voice, I am so thankful she is comfortable. God is taking a true angel back to his house and while I am pissed and confused as to why he needs her now, I know she will always be with me.
I Love you Mom

One hour at a time......

One Peach and a Pumpkin Cheescake Muffin

2009-09-02T10:19:00.000-07:00

Pop turned 70 today!! Happy Birthday to my Dad. He is not in the birthday spirit but I cant blame him for that. I went to Starbucks and picked him a pumpkin cheesecake muffin and he loved it. He got a couple of birthday cards in the mail that made him smile. I am hoping he receives a few calls tonight with warm birthday wishes.

Yesterday my cousin David came by. He had K9 training out in the area so he and Otto (best K9 dog ever) stopped by to see Mom. Otto stayed in the car due to the fact he probably would eat our cats and Dad is just scared of him, ha. David had a rough time seeing Mom but he stayed and talked with Pop and I awhile. He saw I needed to get out for a bit so told me to go hang out just for a couple of hours with him. I knew I needed to get out, I have only been to the grocery store since last Thursday. I was nervous to leave Pop but he kept telling me to go. Had some laughs with David and the kids and was back home in a couple hours.

Mom has been in a deep sleep since Monday at 1am. Our dear friend Dana came by to see her today and was troubled how different Mom looked today just from Monday. That tells me a lot. Being that Pop and I see her everyday we sometimes miss the changes. She has developed a awful cough. She coughed all night but slept the whole time. Shortness of breath is becoming more evident. The nurse will be here this afternoon so I know we will have a talk.

Pop is leaving shortly to go pick up my Aunt Thelma from the airport. I cant wait!! She is my moms sister and brings a feeling of love and warmth to this house. I am worried how she will handle seeing Mom like this. She was here a week before Moms party and so much has changed since then. Telling her on the phone is much different than her seeing it in person. I am so worried.

I am starting to feel very numb. My voice is growing softer and while I sit here and talk to our family and friends that stop by, I am being awful at not hearing anything they really say. I just don't understand how my Mom woke up Easter Sunday with pink eye and we are now here. I know I can not keep asking why why why but so hard not to. I just want one more fun Saturday with her. I just want to be in the car, hear my phone ring and hear her voice on the other end. I want one more of her amazing hugs. I want, I want, I want!! I want so much more. Tears are falling so time to stop writing for now.

I love you Mom!!!

One hour at a time.....

Pop's Birthday!!!!

2009-08-31T19:14:00.000-07:00

I had meant to write about Dads upcoming birthday in my earlier post but vented a little and forgot to. Maybe better that my dear Pop gets his own special post.

Pop is turning 70 on Wednesday!!! 70!!! My mom had told me in January she wanted to throw him a big party to celebrate and so sad she is not able to still do that for him. Mom usually only asks what day of the week it is so she had no idea his birthday is Wednesday. I think it would hurt her terribly to know.

I have asked Pop if he would like me to set up a dinner party for him out some where and invite whoever he wished. He said no, he wanted to be home with Mom and I. I asked him if he wanted a special meal that I could cook or carry out from somewhere. So far he keeps saying he has no idea.

Kathy Lynn and Michelle put a birthday card on his desk before they left and when he found it, he loved it. I am asking everyone to send him a card, call him, ask to take him out for birthday dessert.. whatever you can think of. Turning 70 is huge foe him and I am so sorry I was not able to have a big party for him.

With everything going on with my Mom, I have a feeling some may have forgotten about his special day so please keep in mind it is Wednesday. It is his special day and I do want him to smile and enjoy it.

Dana, my moms dear friend and a wonderful person was here today. She has been amazing to us. She surprised my Pop with a plane ticket today. He can fly anywhere in the US. He was so touched by this gracious and generous gift. he is going to use it to fly to Canada to see one of his best friends. It was not for his birthday, it was just because. My Pop is going to need many of those just because gifts. Gifts meaning.. a phone call, a offer of lunch, a offer to go see a game, anything. But I am asking everyone to please help me give him many reasons to smile on Wednesday and enjoy turning 70.

One hour at a time.....

Could sleep for Days..........

2009-08-31T15:18:00.000-07:00

Only yesterday I had Kathy Lynn and Michelle here. We had a houseful in the morning. By late afternoon Pop had taken Kathy and Michelle to the airport and I was in a quiet empty house. It is easy to not focus on what is happening here when we have a houseful of loved ones. Uncle Jimmy and "the crew" put in a new garage door opener for Pop and trimmed the lawn. Kevin and Toni stopped by with a box of doughnuts. Tara came with Aiden and Ava along with food for Pop and I. She brought a key lime pie that is to die for. The morning was good and I enjoyed having everyone here. But as soon as they had left and Pop drove off with Kathy and Michelle, the waterworks started and I went to take a nap as soon as Pop got home. I have been sad ever since.

Mom had a rough night. She is hallucinating more and more. Last night I heard her three different times talking to someone. Once she thought she was talking to Connie at Acosta about a promotion file. I promised her Connie already had it and she did not need to worry about work. She was very concerned about it and insisted she needed to get to work. I told her she did not need to go to work today. She softly said thank you and fell back asleep. Another time I walked in and she was talking to American Express about her credit card. She thought she was on the phone with them. I told her Pop had taken care of it and she then turned her head and continued talking to them and let them know Pop had taken care of the bill. So hard to watch her go through this. Around 3am she called out my name and I ran in. She had to use the bathroom. Pop now sleeps with his door closed and mom wanted to get up right then. No time to get Pop to help me and I thought I could handle it. Hardest time we had. She was completely putting all weight on me. I kept yelling for Pop but he could not hear me. Finally get her back in bed and she starts throwing up, I am really yelling for Pop at this point. I finally get her back in bed and open Pops door telling him I need help. He got wet washcloths while I got her medicine. He has promised not to close his door tonight.

I fell asleep on the couch for a couple of hours around 6am. I went to my room around 11am to take a nap. Pop woke me at 2pm. Dana and Gregory were here keeping mom company. Dana has been so sweet to us.

I have decided to not work Thursday this week. I just cant seem to leave this house. Moms toes are turning purple. Her hands and feet are so cold. I do still believe she is sleeping pain free. That is so important to me. It is hard enough to watch what is happening but if I knew she was in pain it would be too much.

Aunt Thelma will be here Wednesday or Thursday. Thank Goodness!!

I have gone back and forth about writing today. I started this blog as a way to let family and friends know updates as well as a way for me to cope. The blog has helped me, I do find I write often and especially when I am struggling. However, the blog has caused a few problems as well. While it is not a problem, someone told my Pop about the blog. I have stated from the beginning I wished for him not to know about it. I have vented about him on here and never would want him to think I was disappointed or upset with him. He does not completely understand what the blog is so at least whoever told him did not tell him how to access it. I do not know who told him but wish it would not have come up. This blog has also caused people to question who I am as a person as well as how I feel about people. Right to the point, some feel I am coming off as a bitch. I should not have to defend myself or my actions but while I try to act as though I do not worry about what others think, it does bother me. I have said from the beginning that no one should judge me or have their feelings hurt by who I have been depending on through this. It does not mean I do not like or love you, I just have those that I have always been close to and should not surprise anyone that those are who I go to. If anything you should just be happy that I do have those who are my rocks and give me strength along with laughter. I am not ready to stop writing this blog but I am coming to close.

One hour at a time......

Gooney and Burke along with a turtle

2009-08-29T14:12:00.000-07:00

We had a nice night on Friday. Anne, Greg, Pop, Scottie, Kathy Lynn, Michelle, and I watched the Cardinal game. Everyone went home after the game. Kathy Lynn, Michelle, and I sat outside the rest of the evening and talked. We had the raccoons come visit a few times. Finally we went to bed ta 3am. We did not mean to stay up so late but it seems Kathy Lynn and I always do so.

Kathy Lynn woke up early on Saturday and I did not hear her get up. I finally slept deep which I knew I would with her here. I felt someone lay beside with me and rolled over and found Uncle Jimmy just laying there. I smiled and hugged him. He said "Hey sleepy" Then said" I just don't know what we are going to do" Kissed my forehead and told me to get a little more sleep. Kathy Lynn came down a bit later to wake me.

We had a full day. Pastor Ryan came over and Mom had her communion. She was not able to eat or drink but Pastor Ryan placed the wafer/wine on her lips. We had a emotional but much needed talk with Mom while Ryan was here. Pastor Ryan was incredible. His words and sweet nature were exactly what Pop, Mom, and I needed. Pastor Ryan told Mom about her very special place in Heaven. I finally told her what I knew I had to say but did not have strength to do until Ryan was here. I told her it was ok to go and I promised I would take care of Pop. She smiled softly and said "I know Sweetie'"

Day continued on and more visitors. My second Mom and Dad came by with a huge plate of lunch meat and bread. Kathy Lynn and Michelle were excited to meet Roger and Janie after spending time with Anne on Friday.

Last night my cousin Julie and Timmy came. I have found I am growing stronger as people come out of Moms room. I usually am waiting with tissues and hugs. Kathy Lynn and I had run to the store when they arrived but got back in time that I was here when Timmy left the room. This one broke my heart. Oh that face and he just laid his head on my shoulder with tears. I know he is not my little Timmy anymore but to me he is my little Timmy, sweet Timmy. We had a great dinner that luckily I was here to cook. Just ask Michelle or Kathy Lynn who did all the work this weekend :)

Michelle went to bed early and this morning is at church with Pop. Kathy Lynn and I stayed up late but up and ready for our breakfast. We sat outside last night and had 4 raccoons. We had another great talk which included human turtles and many laughs :) Love you Kathy Lynn

Michelle and Kathy leave today and I dread it. I know this house will feel empty soon but Kathy will be back. I have had many things to write about this busy weekend but have not had many chances to sit and write away.

The title is a special one for my Kathy Lynn....thank goodness I like her :) ha

One hour at a time.......

What a Full Morning

2009-08-28T11:40:00.000-07:00

I finally went back to bed after 5am and was able to fall asleep. Anne did not even wake up as I curled myself up against her back. 8am and my phone begins to ring, at first I wanted to ignore it but saw it was my cousin Jim and that is one person I do not ignore. He told me he was on his way, to get up and he would stop and grab me coffee. I told Anne to stay in bed and sleep more. Came upstairs to start cleaning the kitchen while I wait for Jim and my mom's great friend Dana called and said she was on her way. Anne suddenly is in kitchen with offers to help clean. Jim comes and next thing I know Anne is polishing the furniture, Jim .... well Jim turned into Mr. Clean. He swept the front porch, cleaned the glass front door, swept out the garage, vacuumed downstairs, steam cleaned the carpets upstairs... I have the best friends and family.

Dana brought a beautiful picture her daughter painted for mom. A big sunshine with a happy face. She told Dana it was the happiest picture ever. Dana hung it on the wall mom is facing :)

Tara Rose came by on her lunch hour and mom was excited to see her. She had her three daughters in the room with her.

Her wonderful and dear friend Colleen was just here. She is also my adopted Grandma. I know it meant so much to Mom that she had so many wonderful visitors today and still more are coming!!!

Anne has spoiled me by blow drying my hair. I tell you, there is nothing more that can relax me like someone blow drying my hair. I love it. Whenever I was sick, my mom would always blow dry my hair. Maybe that's where it started.

Pop should be at the airport now to pick up Kathy Lynn and Michelle. I cant wait.

While it is a sad day, I am feeling strong. I have been surrounded all day by our wonderful family and friends. I know I am going to be okay. I know Pop is going to be okay. We are truly blessed with the best family and friends. Outpouring love has been in this house and it means so much to Pop and I.

One hour at a time....

Not Ready

2009-08-28T02:03:00.000-07:00

4am and awake again. Anne is here sound asleep and I should be asleep next to her. My dear Anne came over to spend the night with us tonight. I went into work today as planned. Went in at 3pm and was walking to my car crying at 5pm. Kim (moms nurse) who came by to visit yesterday, came up to MRI to find me. We talked about 15 minutes and she told me what she saw yesterday with mom. I am not going to write too much detail here. I will say I worked about a half hour more after talking to her but completely broke down at work and came home. I needed to be here. I have already found someone to cover my shift on Tuesday. I will not leave this house for a couple of days.

I came home and talked to Pop about what Kim said. We decided to call some family and friends to come see Mom. I called Anne and she came right over to stay with us tonight. Anne and I gave Mom a bed bath followed by a leg massage with her favorite lotion.

Pop and I both needed Anne here tonight. She and I went to pick up dinner for us and she got Pop a bag of M&M's. Watched the Cards game from this afternoon together. Pop went on to bed and Anne and I snuggled under blankets to watch Project Runway. She made me laugh which I needed. I thought after the news today I would not laugh for a long time but Anne always can make me laugh.

Kathy Lynn will be here in about 10 hours. I know I should go back downstairs and try to sleep. I did fall asleep with Anne but only for two hours. I just stare at that monitor listening to Mom breathe.

News today was hard. I will say if you want to see Mom, you should come this weekend. I am not ready for what is coming. I will try to stay strong for my Pop because he will need me. I know I am surrounded by love from so many. We will find a way to get through this.

One hour at a time...........

Not a Grandma

2009-08-26T19:05:00.000-07:00

I was sitting in the room with mom watching her sleep when the doorbell rang. I was very happy to find on our front porch Kim!!! Kim is our angel nurse. She grew very attached to mom and our family while Mom had treatment at MoBap. Mom adores her, my Pop loves her, and I just think she is the best nurse I know. She lives near us so has been over to see Mom. Minute I opened the door she asked what was wrong. Told her about the confusion and we went straight back to see her.

Pop came home while Kim was visiting and all of us were in Moms room. Wiggles once again would not leave Moms bed but was demanding attention from Kim. My cat Georgia came in the room and jumped on my lap. Kim made a comment about Georgia and I said something about Georgia and Savannah being Moms grand kitties. Mom started calling Georgia her grand kitty the first day I got her while living in Texas, Mom even mailed her a gift. For Christmas, Mom brought over presents for them. You get the idea. So Kim said to Mom, "you have two grand kitties"

Mom opened her eyes and looked so sad and spoke in this soft voice "No, no no I have no grand kids"
Tears are welling in my eyes and Kim tried to help by saying "Bernice you have Georgia and Savannah. Mom made a grunt laugh and said no. "I want grandchildren and she never gave me any"

I don't know what was said after that. I left the room and sat on the porch crying my eyes out. I hate this. I hate that there is still so much I want her to be a part of. I always knew she wanted to be a grandma. Anyone who knows her, knows that. She would be the best grandma. I just cant believe she said that. I know my Pop thinks its odd that I am 30 and not married. Seems all my friends are married with kids. I had my chance at a time but it was the wrong guy and the wrong time. Now I wonder if I made the right choice by walking away. At this point I could have made her a grandma. The shit that you begin to think about at a time like this.

Kim stayed around and talked to Pop and I awhile. Let Pop know the confusion would grow and the hallucinating would become worse. Not what you want to hear but I knew that.

Pop is already in bed and once again here I am. Monitor right in front of me and just listening to her sleep.

One day at a time....

Sleep at last...

2009-08-26T13:18:00.000-07:00

I was able to sleep about 5 hours yesterday but woke up quite a bit. Thought I would be good to go for a couple of more days. Last night I found my eyes growing heavy around 4am but still made it. Was quite upset still about what Mom had said to me. Pop came in about 8am. Around 9:30 he told me to go downstairs and sleep. I told him to wake me up in two hours, I would be fine after two hours.

I woke up a half hour ago. Its 3pm!!!! Pop did not wake me, he said he walked down a few times and I was just sleeping too good. Guess I did need more than the 5 hours yesterday. While I was sleeping, we had visitors. Our great friend Dana came by. She spoiled me last week with a pedicure gift card (I need to go use that this week) and today a Starbucks card!!! Woo-hoo. Gave Dad a bread company gift card. She has always been so sweet to our family and we just love her. Mom and her grew close at Pillsbury and Mom is actually her sons Godmother. Uncle Jimmy came by, upset I missed him. I have been wanting a Uncle Jimmy hug for a few days now. The Chaplain came from Hospice and Pop said it was a nice talk.

Pop told me Mom was hallucinating quite a bit earlier today. I think that has him pretty upset. But it is so very hard to see. As soon as I woke up, Pop was basically out the door. He said he had errands to go run. I think he just does not want to be here anymore. I know its hard on him.

Wiggles is still on the bed with Mom. She will not leave. Usually each time you walk in Wiggles meows at you and watches every thing you do to Mom.

Friday will not be here soon enough. I cant for Kathy Lynn to be here!!

One day at a time.....

2009

2009-08-25T23:42:00.000-07:00

I absolutely hate this year. It is the worst year I have ever had and hope I never come close to have another like it. Year started off heartbreaking when Drew and I broke up and then we find out for a unexplainable reason my Mom is sick.

I was able to fall asleep on the couch this morning about 5am. I was not comfortable with going downstairs to my room. The monitor has been a huge help but at the same time if I hear one noise I am running in to check on her. Most of the time its one of the cats jumping on her bed. Wiggles rarely leaves her bed anymore. Pop woke me up and told me he needed help. Once trying to assist her to the bathroom was hard. I had decided to go to work today so Pop told me to go down to my room and sleep for two more hours. He woke me when the Hospice nurse arrived.

Pop's two nieces stayed with him and Mom today while I went to work. I did not want to leave.

Mom has become confused and is hallucinating. This is very hard to watch. Over the years at work I have dealt with this behavior but not the same when it is your Mom. At times she will take her meds and fall right back asleep but then we have the moments where she is upset we woke her. I hate to wake her if she is comfortable but at the same time certain meds are helping ease her pain and make her able to sleep.

A hour ago I went to give her some meds. I am not sure she knew who I was. Eye contact is becoming harder. I told her what I was giving her and placed the pill in her mouth followed by the straw. She would not take the water and I said "Mom please take a sip"
She pushed my hand away and said "You are being a little B"
She did take the water and I covered her back up and made my way into the hallway before the tears came. She called me a B. If you know my mom, you know she spells her curse words. She was calling me a bitch and it broke my heart. My mom has never spoke to me that way. Never my mom. I am not sure what hurt more...that she called me that but knowing she is confused or that she called me a bitch in her way. Still being my mom by saying "B"

Pop went to bed about 9:30pm. He asked if I was going to handle the night shift. I said of course and he put his head down. Told me he was sorry that I have not really had sleep in the last 5 days. My body is adjusting to it and I have to do it. I just have to do this for her.

I hate this confusion and I hate not being able to talk to her. I hope I have no memory of these last few days, I hate them.

My coworkers were great today just like always. At this point if I showed up and walked in the control room and cried my entire shift without working at all, I think they would just hand me tissues with a warm blanket. I did go today but I did call my Pop 3 times while I was there. I only worked 3pm-7pm. I saw Dr. Good looking aka Dr. Gorgeous aka Dr. I get nervous around you aka Dr. Why do you have to be happily married with three kids. Great guy and he was the one who performed Moms biopsy so he has a soft spot for me now. Has given me great advice over the months and always asks about her. Today he was more concerned about me. Told me in a very polite but serious way that basically I look like hell and I need to start taking care of myself. He is right. Hair just thrown up on my head, will not even get on a scale and see what I have gained, and I basically look like a raccoon from lack of sleep and tears.

My cousins Kathy Lynn and Michelle fly in Friday from Georgia. Can only stay the weekend and I know its going to be hard to let Kathy Lynn go back. She is my rock. My cousin on my Pops side is getting married on Saturday. I want to go and celebrate this beautiful day with her but just not sure I will be able to go. I would still need to go buy a dress and I will not even leave the house right now to run down the road for a diet coke. Pop is leaving more and more during the day. I am ok with that. I just wish he was going out to lunch with someone or talking with someone about all this.

I am getting better and better about calling people and answering the phone. Times like this it is hard. 1:30 am and who can you really call to talk. I did text my .. well I call him my "crush" a bit ago. He always has a reply that makes me smile. He called back though and was having a good time out. I think I made him feel bad because I said something along the lines of I just wanted a reason to smile and that tonight was rough. I felt bad that in the middle of his fun night out he had me aka debbie downer text. I hate that I am that person now. I was always the "fun" one. Always ready to go out, always with a smile. Now I only feel like going to a few friends houses and show up in scrub pants and a tshirt. Since Sunday I will not leave her at all.

I hate 2009. I really hate that today in the gift shop at work I noticed they had Halloween decor out. Holidays are fast approaching. What are Pop and I going to do?

One hour at a time...............

A Few Peaches

2009-08-24T15:56:00.000-07:00

Mom just had a visit from four of her cousins from Georgia. They drove up to see her and so glad they made the trip. Marie, Debra Ann, Pam, and Jane all were here. They are staying with Uncle Jimmy and drive back to Georgia on Wednesday. Debra Ann went in to see her first and Mom knew it was her right away. Each time one came out of her room, my eyes welled up but I did not cry. It is just so hard to know what they must be feeling and I feel so bad they had to see her this way. But at the same time I am glad they could see her and say those important words..."I Love You"

Aunt JoAnn drove them over and she could tell I was having a bad day. She asked right away if I have been to see Scott and told her I have been over twice in the last 5 days just to cry to my big cousin.

The hospital bed is here and all ready for her. It is a twin bed and I put on a set of sheets Mom always liked. Little kitty cat pattern and they are very soft. She has not been up since this morning so just waiting for the right opportunity to try to get her in there. I asked once if she felt like changing beds and she said no. Hope I can do it still tonight and not middle of the night.

I have not been to bed yet. Starbucks saved me. Pop went in and had a two hour nap but he needed it. My cousin Dana called and volunteered to take a half day tomorrow so she will be here with my Pop when I go to work. I just worry about him being here alone if she has to get up. I am going in at 3pm but Dana said she would get here a little early because she wants me to sleep. ha. At this point I am growing so use to no sleep who knows if I will be able to. I have been going to bed at 5am and awake at 7am the last 4 nights.

I am back to One hour at a time.....

Lost

2009-08-24T07:55:00.000-07:00

Completely lost. Lost in trying to understand how in the hell did we get here. Last night was rough. Very bad night. I went in at midnight to give Mom her medicine and it just turned into a awful night. Not sure I should write everything that happened because I don't want to make family and friends worry more than they already are.

I have had no problems with her taking her pills until last night. Pop has. Placed the pill in her mouth and started to place straw in for her sip of water and she started pushing me away. Would not open her mouth. Would not turn her head. Pop started to try to sit her up which I have told him not to do...1. Because he pushes on her back. 2. Because he is going to hurt himself. Pop and I are both trying to get her to take a sip of water to get that pill down. Then while I know he is just trying he asked if she had to use the bathroom. She had not been all day, no fluids going in plus I understand what her body is doing. Pop does not like this. So luckily I had the nurse have the pharmacy bring the beside toilet yesterday. Between that four poster bed, Mom being weak, Pop not understanding how to assist, and Mom basically just throwing her arms around my neck at the same time trying to lay on the floor, it was 30 minutes of trying to get her on the toilet and then back to bed. She did not have to use the restroom. It was a bad night.

After her last pill at 5am, I decided to lay down till Pop went to his workout. He woke me at 7am and here I am still awake. Mom and I had a rough two hours when he was gone. She had to get up twice to use the restroom. She is becoming ill towards Pop and me. Pushes us away when we try to help but then clings on. I did have her sit in the wheelchair so I could change the sheets. She asked if she could just lay on the floor. I was worried she was going to fall out of the wheelchair. I set a record for the fastest sheet change. As soon as I had her back in bed I called Hospice and told them we could not wait till Wednesday for the hospital bed, we needed it today. Pop came home while I was on the phone. Told him I was having the bed brought in today. Then I set off for the guest bedroom to move furniture and clean out the room. Two hours of sleep, frustrated with what is happening, and trying to move a desk while my side is killing me....my Pop walks in and asks what is for breakfast. I just started crying. Told him to go pick up Bob Evans, he asks if I would call and place the order! Really!!!! Really... sure, let me stop cleaning out the room to make space for the hospital bed and order you breakfast. So I somehow did not cuss him out and started down the hallway to order... then he decides he wants to see the menu, could I pull it up online.

I know I have slept probably a total of five hours in the last three-four days. I know I am stressed, worried, all around a mess. My side is acting up so I know I am crabby. Somehow I did not explode at him, he is turning into this lost almost childlike person. He wants me upstairs all the time, he does not want to be alone.

I am on the fence about calling my boss today. I am NOT comfortable at all with leaving Pop here with mom while I go to work tomorrow. Not even if I do the 3pm-7pm shift. No way could Pop have handled this morning if he was here alone.

New pain medicine is helping but asking nurse for pills that dissolve. Better for Mom.

Pop is heading out to the store now and I am waiting for the call to set up the delivery of the bed. Asked him to bring me back a Starbucks because I am exhausted. Not sure how much more I can take.

One day at a time,..........

Days all run together...

2009-08-23T21:03:00.000-07:00

I almost feel as though Pop and I need to hang a board similar to what you may find in a first grade classroom where it tells you in huge letters what the day is. Pop is sleeping more than me and probably gets maybe 6 hours of sleep a night. I had a two hour nap today but besides that have not slept since yesterday for only 3 hours on the couch. I feel like a zombie but seems that is typical amount of sleep for me last few months.

Mom had finally told me what her pain level was yesterday. Pop and I have been asking her but could not get a answer. Not sure if the question confused her or she did not want to say. It was a 8. Not acceptable. Nurse came this morning and immediately called in a new pain medicine. Mom is now on three pain meds. Pop is having a hard time giving her medicine. He offered to give it to her at 7pm. I was in the living room and could hear everything on the monitor. I wanted to go right back there but at same time I know I had to wait for Pop to ask for my help. He came out about ten minutes later and asked me to help. I told him to watch what I do. I gently wake her, lift her head, place pills in her mouth, straw to mouth, lay her right back and cover her back up. Pop tends to go in and ask if she wants to sit up. Tries to place the pill in her hand and it just does not work anymore. While the nurse was here we had her order the hospital bed. It will be here Wednesday. I figured I could clean out the guest room tomorrow. Hoping Fadler is still coming and can help me move the desk. Tuesday I work and Pop wanted me here while the delivered it so Wednesday it is.

I feel awful about Mom's cousins. Four drove up here from Georgia and have not been here to see her yet. Pop told him he felt it was just too bad of a day and I hate to say but I agreed. I have been the one who never turns away people who want to see her. Pop does it all the time. I just hate her pain level is so high and hope the new med will help. I also feel so bad that they will see her like this. I think so many people expect to see the Bernice they know and love and others think she will look like she did the day of the party. I saw it in Fadlers eyes when he saw her on last week. I don't think you can prepare someone before they see her now. Hate to admit it but Pop and I each cry every time when leave her bedroom now.

Mom is now getting pills every two hours. I will be able to take a short nap around 10am after Dad gets home from his workout. Another night with no sleep. I honestly don't know how I am functioning. Starbucks is my new best friend and luckily 24 hour one right down the road.

Someone call Pop on Wednesday or Friday and ask to take him to lunch or dinner PLEASE!!!! He needs to get out and enjoy a meal out.

One day at a time.....................

She sleeps............

2009-08-22T15:17:00.000-07:00

It seems that has become my answer to the question "how is your mom doing" I am handling the sleeping much better than Pop, he wants her to wake up so much. Last night we started the new pain pill. I had a little mini reunion with girls I went to grade school with. I had really wanted to go and after writing down the instructions for Pop and reviewing the instructions 5 times, I felt comfortable leaving for the evening. I know he is over-whelmed and I am really trying not to lose my patience with him. I told him I would call him at 8pm to remind him and make sure he understood the medicine. It seemed he understood but then asked me to call him back in 30 minutes because he wanted me on the phone while he gave her the medicine. sigh.....ok Pop. I go outside to call him back at 8:30pm, he then had to put me on speaker phone as he gave her the medicine. Yep, I have no idea why either so don't ask. This went on all night. I had to call back every 2-3 hours to listen to him give her the medicine. Oh Pop. The good news is she is tolerating this pain med. We were so worried because she is so sensitive to medication.

It seems each day is becoming harder than the day before. Pop and I each broke today. Pop had gone to see Uncle Bruce. I went in to check on mom and she wanted to use the bathroom. I ended up having to lift her off the bed. I really wanted to carry her to the bathroom but she wanted to walk. She barely could walk. I helped her back to bed and tucked her tight. Before I even finished saying I love you she was right back asleep. I am really not sure how long I stood there just watching her. I walked out of the bedroom and just went down to my knees in the hallway sobbing.

Pop came back shortly there after. When it came time for her medicine he wanted to go in and give it to her. I could hear everything because of the monitor. I could tell she was not waking up that well to take the pill. It is becoming hard to wake her for her medicine. One pill is placed under the tongue and has to dissolve. She falls right back to sleep before you can hand her the other pills. Pop walked out of the bedroom and went straight out the front door. I waited a few minutes before I went out to check on him. I found him leaning against the car just sobbing. We talked a little and told him to get in the car and go for a drive. Get out in this beautiful weather and breathe. He decided to do just that. Right before he left, Sarah surprised us with chips and a awesome dip( it's almost all gone Sarah) So Pop left and I sat outside with Sarah and little Claire for about ten minutes. Pop stayed gone for quite a bit and I was starting to become concerned but he walked in the door with a shopping bag grinning. Would not tell me what he bought and went straight to his office. Next thing I know he was coming in with framed pictures of mom. He has been taking old pictures of her and scanning them to a bigger size and close ups. He went out and bought some new frames for her pictures. Poor Pop, I have a feeling this house will be covered in Mom's pictures when he is done.

Pop is going down to Uncle Jimmy's to visit. Three of Mom's cousins drove in today from Georgia to see Mom. They should be pulling in Uncle Jimmy's driveway any minute now. They will be over here tomorrow to see her. I know its going to be quite a shock for them. Tomorrow is the original date the party was planned. I am so very thankful I moved the date up.

Please keep Mom in your prayers. Pray for Pop as well to stay strong. His heart is breaking over this.

One day at a time...................

I hate you Cancer

2009-08-19T16:54:00.000-07:00

For those family members and close friends that have expressed they have a hard time reading about bad days, stop now and do not continue. This is a tough one guys.

Hospice nurse came. She was wonderful and I liked her right away. Mom heard the doorbell so I went to check on her and of course she wanted to come and go over the initial paperwork. She had been up earlier today when her good friend Dana stopped by. Dana brought homemade chicken soup for Mom, pulled pork for Pop and a gift card for me to go get a pedicure. She is just AWESOME!! I did not like the way Mom looked while Dana was here and had a bad feeling. Mom ended up getting quite sick. She had been asleep since until the nurse arrived.

We begin by going over Mom's health history... very short. She has always been so healthy, it was obvious the nurse was in shock of how healthy Mom was before all this. About five minutes in the conversation, I notice Mom is just not looking right. I stop and ask if she wants to go back to bed. Right away I heard her soft yes and I begin to help her up. She turns to the nurse and says in her little soft voice "It was nice to meet you, I hope to see you again" Never forgets her manners, my mom. I tuck her in and come back to finish the paperwork with nurse and Pop. I knew Pop was breaking, he was flustered and then she asked the question. Was Mom a DNR. Shit. Shit Shit. I know she has to know and I understand that. I glance to Pop and ask if I can go get the document, he broke. Oh did he break. He got up and went in his office. I apologized to this sweet nurse and she just patted my hand and told me it was ok. She then asked if I worked in the health care field, I said yes. She asked if I was a RN and I told her the brief story of starting an then switching to radiology and now I am confused. She grabbed my hand and said "Honey, you need to be a nurse. You are one, you need to go back"
Like I said, I liked her from the start.
Pop finally came back and he did bring the DNR paperwork. By that time, Caroline (nurse) and I were already discussing the hospital bed. Pop broke again, I explained that we could put a bed right next to it and he could still sleep by her. He looked at Caroline like a little boy and said "is that ok"
Oh man this was tough. Caroline was wonderful though and really talked to Pop. I found that I did not cry once. Not once. I sat there and reviewed everything, went over the meds, went over what pain meds worked and which made her ill. Then we began to talk about when and if Mom started to refuse meds or food. Caroline told us it is normal, that is usually the next step and we just need to make her comfortable and not push anything on her. I did not even have to look, I already knew Pop was crying once again.

Caroline asked to go in and see mom. Mom barely woke while she listened to her lungs. She turned and asked me if I had listened lately. I told her I pulled out my stethoscope 2 weeks ago and put it right back in the drawer after listening. She smiled sweetly and I knew she understood. She held Moms hand and told her to sleep and she would be praying for her. I wish she would be Moms nurse but she is the intake nurse.

She hugged us goodbye and then Pop asked. I was hoping he would not with all his crying already. I will not go into details to spare some tears I am already causing but her answer was if anyone wants to see Mom, they should do so now.

After she left, I told Pop to go see Uncle Jimmy or get ice cream. He would not leave. I laid down on the couch and watched Hells Kitchen on the computer with my phone on my chest just staring. Fadler had called earlier and told me he would call first before coming. He said he would be here before 6 and when the clock read 5:15, I wanted to cry thinking he is not coming. 2 minutes later, the doorbell rings and I have never jumped off the couch so fast. There is Fadler with a big bag of veggies from his garden and that sneaky smirk. He looked at Pop and I and just knew. "What are you two doing, whats for dinner.. Roger, you did not make this little shit cook"
I love how one person can make this house feel home again. I tell Fadler its better he just go in and see Mom while she is in bed and walk back with him. He walks in and her eyes start to open, that twinkle came back the minute she saw him. Man she has a soft spot for Fadler. I hear that boom voice "Hey Mom" and he leans right over to hug her. I left the room to give them some time alone. He stayed in there for about 15 minutes with her. I peeked in at one point and he had the chair right beside the bed just talking away.

I am not going to write if I have ever seen Fadler cry before. He would kill me. But it broke my heart when he came walking down the hall. Pop and I both were sitting in the kitchen. He walked over, flipped my hair around and had a seat. We began talking about Rugby. He is playing, Pop and I get a kick out of hearing Fadler's stories. This was more about the injuries he has caused.. to others of course.

I walked him out to the truck and then the tears came. I just started crying. I would not let go and just kept asking when are you coming back. He hugged me tight and said "Mom told me to take care of you" Oh like that was going to make me stop crying. He will be back Monday ...with good stories for Pop and I being that he has a rugby tournament this weekend.

After Fadler left, I once again tried to get Pop to go do something. He left a bit ago, would only say he needed to be alone and wanted to go for a drive.

This was a very hard day. Very hard on Pop. Mom continues to sleep. Pop is out driving. I am wishing my brother was still here or my cousin Jim or Scottie or Uncle Jimmy or cousin David... I need those big strong men in my life with those great hugs. I hate you cancer.. I really hate you.

One day at a time.........

First visit down now just wait till the Second which is also today!

2009-08-19T08:00:00.000-07:00

Well, we just had our first official home visit from Hospice. The social worker came in and after talking to us called the nursing supervisor to have a nurse sent out today! Today! I know its the right decision and Pop agrees.

Mom was already standing up before the social worker was even out the door because she wanted to go back to bed. She did not say much, Pop got a little flustered and teary -eyed. Maybe it was Fadler calling me last night, I could still hear his voice and words but I sat there and answered all the questions without hesitation or tears.

So, now we wait till the nurse calls. She will most likely be here between 4-6pm. We decided not to take mom in for fluids today. Dr. felt it was not making that much of a difference and I agree. I think it wore her out more than helping her. I have a feeling the hospice nurse will give us some other options.

Mom's good friend Dana is bringing over some food today. Her son Greg is Mom's Godson and always makes her smile. He just has the sweetest way with her. Mom got very tickled when I told her Fadler would stop by today. It was nice to see her smile about having visitors.

One day at a time...............

My Big Brother

2009-08-18T21:23:00.000-07:00

Maybe I have vented a little too much on this blog. Many are beginning to become distant from me and upset with some things I have wrote. I can say I never meant to hurt anyone but at the same time I am being very honest with my feelings.

Earlier tonight I found myself upstairs alone. Mom went to bed at 7pm. Pop followed her shortly there after. Did a load of laundry and found myself flipping channels. Of course sitting there alone my thoughts go to tomorrow morning and the fact that hospice will be here. My phone rang a few times and believe it or not I answered. Each person asked if they had woke me up. I guess they could not tell that I was awake and I was just little teary eyed and trying not to let on. Then my phone rings and I see its my big brother. I hear that loud voice and it takes Fadler a second to know I am crying. "Quit, talk to me, hows mom" Fadler always knows, he has always been one that I could never fool even with my best acting skills. This guy truly is like family to us. He came into our lives through my cousin and over the years he became family. When I was little( 16-24 ha) I just thought Fadler was the shit. Ehh, I still do. My mom grew attached to him and basically it was decided he was her "adopted son" He has called her mom over the years and loves her just as much.

Throughout our friendship, he has always been one constant figure in my life that tells me how it is and I listen. I always listen to peoples advice but when it comes to Fadler, he has a way that I do what he says and most of the time will not question it. He is always looking out for us. Mom really misses when he lived 5 minutes away because he was here weekly cutting the grass, helping dad move something, or just meeting my parents out for dinner. She spoiled him at macys more than me half the time.

He got right to the point tonight. Stop crying, get off the couch, and do something. He then said something that surprised me " Stop being mad at God, Mom would be so mad at you for that" I stuttered a bit and he said" I know you, I know you are mad, you need to stop that bullshit right now. Its not God that did this"

He gave me a good talking to and some things that others might be scared to say. I listened and found myself sitting up straighter and tears drying up. I feel my strength coming back and its because of his words. Plus I cant really say no to a 6'3 former marine, I mean look at the guy, would you say no... ha.

He is coming tomorrow to see our mom and bring her some veggies from his garden. I know I better be bright eyed and in a good mood when he gets here. He will make sure of that. I will say that God has blessed my parents and I with some pretty incredible people. Mom always wanted many children and I never wanted to be a only child. But I am not a only child and mom has three daughters and one son... I have the two best sisters in the world Tara and Anne and a big brother that will always tell me how it is.

One day at a time.........

Lingo

2009-08-18T12:30:00.000-07:00

Mom and I are sitting here watching Lingo. She is in her recliner covered in blankets and a heating pad and I am wishing I had a fan right in front of me. We basically have the heat on in the house because she is so cold. I did not go to work today, just could not leave her. Normally, I do not mind going to work and do not go through the struggle of making my way out the door like I do for everything else.

Pop and I went to pick her up from the Dr office today where she has been getting her daily fluids. Her blood pressure was 64/42 when she arrived at the office. When Pop told me that, I called work and said I would be there Thursday. We have been back home for almost a hour now but happy she wanted to sit in the recliner rather than go to bed.

Hospice will be here at 9am tomorrow. Not sure how I feel about it. I know it will be great relief for her and a huge help but also know what it means.

Last four days have been rough in so many ways. Pop is starting to show his crying side again. He continues to walk up to me and ask what else we can do? Why is this happening? Why does she sleep so much? I am once again tearful and frustrated. Apparently a memo went out for everyone who has something to say to me to make me cry just a little bit more to send it via voicemail, text, and email the last three days. I will only write very little about this.... if you feel I am keeping you from my mom, grow some balls and come visit. I have never said no one is allowed here. If you have called and asked and my Pop or I said it was a bad day, its because it was a bad day. This does not mean we are keeping you from seeing her. If you feel I am writing negative things about you and only you on my blog, well I guess you are paranoid and feel guilt about something. Yes I do bitch on this blog but like I said from the beginning, its my form of getting it all out. If you feel you just don't know me anymore and never did, well I guess your right. The fact that maybe I have turned to some and not others, please just let me turn to those I feel comfortable with at this time. No, it does not mean I don't love you. If you are upset that I don't answer the phone and maybe feel as though I am being selfish, I am truly sorry. I am not trying to hurt anyone through all this. Right now I am just trying to get through each day and be there for my Mom and Pop.

I will write a update tomorrow after Hospice leaves.

One day at a time.............

Hot Banana Peppers

2009-08-15T13:18:00.000-07:00

Mom has been eating more the last three days. On Thursday she had a steak burger from Steak-n-Shake and ate half. That was a lot for her and compared to what she had been eating. Last night after naming on about ten things I could cook she agreed to a grilled cheese. She ate half and quite a bit of HOT Banana Peppers. I had some with her and while the tears are streaming down my face she asks in her little voice "Are they too hot for you"

She already ate today, it was only half of a chicken sandwich but at least it was something. Been asleep in her chair ever since. Pop is really starting to have a hard time with her sleeping. He hates it. I do wish she was awake but at the same time while she is asleep, I know she is pain free.

I had my own Dr appt earlier this week. Not going to tell Mom about it. Not sure when I will tell Pop, I think it would be too upsetting for him. I knew the day after that my blood work was ugly. Dr. told me immediately she was going in some meds for me and that she had already put a call in for the specialist at Barnes. She just called me awhile ago. She hoped if she called me on a Saturday I would answer. (See people, I am bad at answering for just about everyone) Specialist wants me back at Barnes and repeat the surgery. It is my choice. I did see results after the last surgery but also know the risks and knew that since my case was "special" I may need a repeat. Went back and forth with my Dr about it. I finally said I would think about it and she snapped back "I know what that means" ha. She does know me pretty well. I know its going to get worse and my pain is coming back. I know what all that means. No way can I have this surgery right now, I would be in the hospital at least 3 days and afterwards I would be weak and not able to help mom. The stairs alone would kill me. Plus not to mention what would happen with work. Dr is not very happy with my decision but she also knows when I have my mind made up there is no changing it. I have agreed to come in once a week for blood work. I now have to keep my own pain level chart to show her. ughhhhhh.. Not going to tell Pop yet. This would just push him over the edge.

Pop and I are cleaning house today. He offered to go to the grocery store, I need to write the list in order of the isles at the store. I should just go myself but I think he wants to go. Last time he went, I bite my tongue while putting away the groceries. He did buy everything on the list but everything he brought was the grocery store own line. Even the spaghetti sauce. oh Pop.

One day at a time....

Driving miles to see Mom

2009-08-14T13:31:00.000-07:00

Mom has been going back each day to the Dr's office for fluids. Her blood pressure was extremely low. Yesterday it was still around 71/48. Not good at all. We had her stop one of her meds and today it was around 109/72. Huge difference and a very good one. Uncle Jimmy was here yesterday while I went to work, he spent some time with Pop and went to pick mom up from from the Dr's office. He surprised us today (well surprised me and mom) and came over with Captain Jack!!!!!

So many ask if Uncle Jimmy is moms brother. We really know how to confuse people. Uncle Jimmy is actually my first cousin. He is mom's nephew. I began calling him Uncle Jimmy when I was little bc I would hear his sons call my mom Aunt so it just kinda happened and I have called him Uncle ever since. Captain Jack is Uncle Jimmy's brother. We call him Captain Jack bc of his rank in the Marines. So, that should explain to y'all who were confused.

So, Captain Jack drove all the way here to see mom. He left yesterday and stopped in Tenn and arrived in St. Louis late morning. He is driving back home tomorrow morning. Lots of miles to see his Aunt Bernice but it means so much. He and Uncle Jimmy did not stay long, they could tell she was tired but it meant so much for her to be able to hug Jack. I love when Uncle Jimmy is here, he makes me laugh and the house feels like a home again. Its amazing what one person can bring to a house, Uncle Jimmy, Captain Jack, Aunt Thelma, Jim, Kathy Lynn, Aunt Melba... they all have this way to make you feel loved and make this house feel alive again.

I think I might be out of my angry mood today. Last night I went to Tammi's for our Thursday night of wine and watching housewives. I have stuck with it and go each Thursday. I love it. Tammi's family went to grade school/church with mine. She is just a couple years older but she was one of the girls that I always thought was so cool. Has a great family and my parents always loved her parents. Lost touch over the years but like facebook has done for so many, we found each other. Tammi's family came to moms party and Mom was tickled to see them. Tammi told me that day that I should come out and spend some time with her. I did and now she is stuck with me every Thursday. My mom told her something at the party and she is keeping her promise to my mom. She has been a blessing. Anyway, had some laughs and too much wine last night but I did get out of my angry mood... at least for now.

I just might run down to Uncle Jimmy's tonight to hang out and get some good hugs.

One day at a time........

Pasta and Pinecones

2009-08-12T17:35:00.001-07:00

My dear Sarah and her little princess Claire just left. Claire is 15 months and was a delight tonight. Sarah called and asked if she could bring Pop and I dinner, she was hoping Mom would also take a few bites. Claire came with her and was hysterical. She was so tickled to see the cats. Making so many giggles and shrieks of excitement. I picked her up to take her in to see mom but mom was in the bathroom. I knew right then Mom heard those cute noises and she was going to come in the living room. Claire and I came back out and are playing in the floor when here comes Mom. She look tired but her eyes were sparkling away to see little Claire walking, shrieking, giggling and being all around damn cute. She walked over to the fireplace and picked up a pine cone Mom has in this basket. She hands the pine cone to me and I say "Pine cone" I think we all almost fell over when Claire says right back "Pine cone" Claire said pine cone!!!!! Sarah was dying.

Claire could not get enough of the cats and simply loved my big fat cat Savannah. I am so kicking myself that I did not have my camera and I am sure Sarah is as well. Here is Claire kissing Savannah and then trying to sit on top of her and ride her. It was hysterical. Savannah just laid there like the sweet cat she is. Mom loved it! Claire made my mom smile more tonight than I have seen in weeks. She told us how much she loved waking to Claire's little voice. She is still up in the living room with us and now watching the Cards game.

I knew my entry yesterday would cause a stir. So I received quite a bit of emails about it. Let me say again, I realize that when some of you call my Pop tells you she does not feel up for visitors. I am talking to those who don't even call, to those that were suddenly here when all this started and have not heard from them in weeks. I am talking to those I feel could be calling to not only check on her but also check on my Pop. Tonight is a perfect example. Sarah calls and says I have dinner for you and your dad, its already packed up and I am on my way. She was thinking of Pop and I and it was so thoughtful. She was not here to see mom but was so glad she got to. Mom got up on her own, she heard Claire and wanted to see her. But like I said yesterday, I have amazing friends.

I should not have to name every single person that calls here. If you were hurt because I did not include your name in my entry yesterday, I am sorry. But give me a break people. You all have to realize I have so many emotions right now. I am hurt, pissed, sad, confused, the list could go on and on. My focus right now is my Mom and Pop. This blog is to give you updates on mom but also a way for me to get things out. If you do not like what you read then simply do not read it anymore.

I am going to sit down and enjoy some pasta with my Pop now. Thank you Sarah!!!! And a BIG THANKS to little sweet Claire for making laughter fill this house again.

One day at a time.............................

Honest Blog

2009-08-11T19:08:00.001-07:00

Some may not want to read this entry and I am going to guess I will make some upset as well. I will start with the appointment today with mom's Dr. They gave her a bag of fluids and we will be going back each day this week for fluids. Going to small office in Sunset Hills and not the hospital. Same distance driving but less walking and faster to get her in and out.
Dr. basically told us it was in our hands now when to call hospice in. Pop did not break but I was worried to leave when I left for work today. I am not sure Pop will make the call, I have a feeling I will. I would rather hospice come in now and that way we would not have to take her to get fluids everyday. At the same time, it is so nice to have her leave the house but that is me being selfish. I hate that we have hit the point where all she does is stay in bed.

I was so excited for work last night. However when it came time to leave today, I called my boss and said I would be there when I got there. I am so lucky to have the boss and co-workers I do. I basically have a window to come in between 11-3pm each shift and leave at 7pm. I was very quiet at work today and co-workers picked up on it right away. I finally told Angela and Becky what was happening and that we got the green light for hospice.

Feeling pretty numb. Feeling pretty pissed too. I know mom wanted that party so she could see everyone. I know it was a time where she still felt well enough to see everyone and it was a great day. I am just going to say it. I know some are going to be hurt or pissed at me. I don't care, I care about two people right now and that's Mom and Pop. So many have told us when this all started they were going to be there. They were going to come see her. Where are you? Where? Uncle Jimmy and Aunt JoAnn are always wanting to come see her. Her very dear friends Donna and Harry call and ask to come. I admit right now she is so sick, she will not leave bed. I know she does not want to see people. How many of you know that though.? How many of you have called lately to check on her? How many of you that were going to be here once a week have actually been here at all? Yep I am saying all this, I am mad. Maybe I am mad about so much everything is coming out. Maybe I am wrong to write this but right now I am mad at you that have not been here. And I don't want calls or emails from you that ask if this entry was directed at you...if you feel a need to ask well there is your answer. Maybe she may not want visitors but what about Pop. We all know my Pop is not going to call and ask to get out, he needs you. My friends have been amazing...AMAZING! They always call, they always text, and they are always telling me to get out. Who is doing that for Pop? I wish Georgia family was here bc I know it would be different. She would let her sisters come. They would be checking on Dad. This entry is not directed at family in Georgia. I would like you each to think about what Mom and Pop have done for you in your life. I am sure it was quite a bit. Where are you now? Be mad at me for writing, stay mad if you need to. I am the one who said it. Its not coming from them.

I also realize I am back in my angry mode. I am very pissed this is all happening. Maybe I am directing my angry at the wrong things. I am feeling so many emotions right now. I am pissed and I am hurt and just hate this. I just wish it would all go away. I wish I had one day with her again...one of our days filled with shopping, lunch, and so much laughter. I am pissed I will never have that day again. I am just pissed at it all.

I better stop writing before I have every one hating me for my very pissed off mood and who knows what else I may write at this point.

One day at a time...............

More Pictures

2009-08-09T17:34:00.000-07:00

Pop finally finished the pictures from Mom's party. I guess he finished yesterday after he finished his "helpful project" on my birthday pictures. ha.

Once again I will post the link that will allow ya'll to view them on facebook. Short update...she slept on the couch after the recliner till 4pm. Got up and went straight to bed. Will not get up. While she was sleeping on the sofa, I sat on the love seat and pretty sure I stared at her for about a hour. At one point I started sneezing and kept waiting for her to say "Carrie, go take something before you get sick" She always tells me to take something if she hears me sneeze even once. She never said a word and slept. I cried. I cried because I sneezed and my mom did not tell me to take something. Am I a little emotional?

Here's the both links, two different albums. One day at a time....

http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=21486&id=1608546076&l=a69b7e4eef

http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=21482&id=1608546076&l=d3163f432f

Thank You Noah Wyle

2009-08-09T09:36:00.000-07:00

Mom has not really left her bed in a couple of days. She has stopped taking the chemo pill. Since she started taking it, her pain level increased and she had no appetite. Hoping now she will regain her appetite. Pop and I are still having her take pain meds every four hours. I am not sure how I am making it each day on 3-4 hours of sleep but somehow has not caught up with me yet.

Mom has been different this last week. I can tell she is drained and just done with all this. That sparkle in her eyes is hard to see. I don't want to think its completely gone. Mostly spends all her time in bed and does not say much to Pop or me. It is so hard to watch...

I finally have her sitting up in her recliner right now. This morning I went to get her a biscuit (she had three bites) and told her there was a movie on with Noah Wyle. She loves him so she sat down to watch it. I think she maybe watched 5 minutes before falling asleep. Sound asleep in her recliner but at least she is out of her bed.

Pop is still doing great but on my last nerve. He is trying so hard to stay upbeat and make me smile. I love him for it but he is going overboard. Yesterday I spent the late afternoon cleaning and turned to find him behind me almost every 5 minutes. It was either asking if he could help, what I was going to do next, did I want to watch a movie, had I ever seen this picture, and then he went one too far. In the middle of cleaning the bathroom he comes in just grinning with a stack of photos..... He went and printed a new set of pictures from my 30th birthday party and had cut my ex out of every picture that he was in. Here I am scrubbing the shower and he is standing there showing me picture after picture just smiling thinking he just did a great thing. I still am not sure if I want to smack him or hug him for doing that.

I know it is a short update and wish it could be better news.

One day at a time.....

Night Shift

2009-08-05T09:34:00.000-07:00

We are now trying to have Mom take a pain pill every three hours. She is being stubborn during the day but will take them during the night. So the last two nights have been 5am bedtime for me. Its worth it because I know making sure she has the pills help her sleep soundly.

I was hoping today we could go for a short drive around Elk Park or just around the block but not going to happen. She is back in bed. Mom has been trying to stay awake during the day but some days will just not allow her to do so.

Pop cooked eggs and bacon for her but was disappointed in her one bite of each. We are both plotting lunch now hoping we can get her to eat. Her appetite had increased and she was doing so good but the last couple weeks it is back to tiny bites.

I am off today. Still only working two days a week with all this. I feel like I should leave and go do something while she is sleeping but find myself once again with no motivation plus guilt of leaving.

One hour at a time......

A few pics....

2009-08-04T21:36:00.000-07:00

Not sure if this will work for all of you. Pop finally made one disc of pictures from the party. I am a facebook junkie( I know, but its addicting) so album on there. Here is hopefully the link to view http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=21145&id=1608546076&l=fa705bde80

Pop is working on another disc now with pics from every one signing the guest book.

Short update... Kathy Lynn talked me out of my funk! Work was busy today and was great for me. Mom stayed up till after nine watching the Cards game, she tried so hard to stay awake for it all but did not see the win. I am staying awake again tonight for the night shift of pain meds. She is now getting pain pill every three hours. No sleep last night for me but its worth it knowing she is sleeping. Next one due at 1am so I can tell her about the cards and what she missed.

I am calling Anne and Tara tomorrow, I have been awful with my phone last few days and they are over due for calls. I have been awful with everyone over not answering. I am sorry to all. Funk has passed, I promise.

One hour at a time... (Dana, I increased to a hour )

Confined to basement and no longer the Strong one

2009-08-03T15:52:00.000-07:00

Here comes the honesty again. To all those that have called the last couple of days and I hear my dad say "Well, its not a great day but only because she did not sleep last night" well.... that's my Pop now being the strong one. Last few days have been awful. She is in pain all over even in her legs. She barely has the strength to get down the hall. Somehow she is being a trooper by sitting in the recliner during the day rather than just stay in bed. I don't know where she gets that strength.

During all this every time I talk to a family member or family friend, I am always asked "how is your dad" My response has always been "he is a mess" Pop was a mess, he was breaking down all the time, stressed out, and just did not know how to handle it. I was the strong one who was able to talk about it, who talked during the Dr. appts, and who just did not cry in front of mom. Pop and I have completely switched roles the last few days. We each have our bad days or days that I refer to as Pop broke today. Well I have been broken for the last four days. I am crying non-stop. I simply look at mom and tears just well up. She looks so frail and in so much pain. It does not help that I had a fever Saturday night and still have cold symptoms so I have tried to stay away from her. Being sick and in a basement can make anyone sad I guess. I should not act like its a dark unfinished basement. Its like my own little place down here but I have the lights off in my room with nothing but crap tv on. I am so proud of Pop for being the strong one, I just cant do it anymore. Hopefully this will pass and I will reemerge with that smile on my face and hugging mom. Right now I can't stop the tears when I see her.

I work tomorrow so I hope that will lift my spirits a bit. I know I have to get out of this funk for mom but can't seem to do it alone this time.

I usually end each entry with One day at a time but this one will be different. My dear cousin Dana gave me some great advice while she was here from Georgia. If it can only be one hour at a time that I stay in control, then take it one hour. She told me this while we were setting up the picture boards for moms party. I joked it would not be a hour more like 15 minutes.

So Dana... 15 minutes at a time.....................

A Simple Wish

2009-07-31T20:21:00.000-07:00

While it seems like such a simple wish...... I guess I am having a hard night. Sarah and Jeff will both read this and yell at me for not going out tonight. I was just not in the mood and instead found myself with a glass of wine curled up on the couch watching pointless tv.

That's when it hit me. How a year ago today I would most likely have just hung up the phone from talking to mom about our Saturday plans. I would have been waiting for him to walk in the door with that smirk on his face because he had one extra jack and coke. He would make it up to me for being a little late by cooking a late dinner. I would sit on the counter laughing at his messy cooking ways. His ingredients that were just tossed together but ended up so good. I would not even care about the mess he made because his dinner would be delicious and he would make me feel beautiful. I would fall asleep to his soft snores and wake early to mom at the front door ready for a day of shopping. I would brag to my mom all day that he cooked.

How I wish I could have that day all over again. How I wish I would continue to have those days. He is already gone in a year time and I feel at this point next year she will be as well.

Such a simple wish but one that is impossible to grant. I miss him so.....I cant imagine the pain I will feel over missing her.

One day at a time.................

Can I get a hell yea!!!!

2009-07-29T10:50:00.000-07:00

Mom is on her home from a follow up with her Dr. Great News!!!! All her blood work was stable and she gained a pound. Dr. did not want to do another MRI until next month. She was so very pleased with her blood results.

As some of you may know, after mom's party she started a new chemo pill. It is called Tarceva. Mom had gone back and forth on taking it because while it has had results, it has rare results when dealing with stage four. This pill may take mom into the holidays so we are willingly to try it. Only side effects at this point has been a rash on mom's face but nothing too bad. Her appetite has also dropped but we are encouraging her to eat like crazy. As long as Tarceva causes no other side effects mom is willingly to stick with it. This is such great news. I want mom to have another Christmas!!! Praying for a miracle but not giving up.

Many have emailed asking why I have not wrote in awhile. To be quite honest, I am back to my angry phase and quite tearful at the same time. Hopefully after the news today it will brighten my mood. I had quite a disappointment with a good friend last week but at the same was surprised by another who cheered me up. I am starting to truly see who is there for me and my parents. Sadly some friends and family members are not. I cant begin to tell you how many wonderful emails and thank you notes I received after the party. Unfortunately, I also received some emails that I have not responded to. Certain people felt I acted inappropriately by dancing and having a DJ. They were appalled that I would dance, run around, and grab others to dance. What kind of daughter gets up on the dance floor and smiles and swings her arms around. Well, hate to say it, but this daughter you ignorant assholes. My mom wanted a party. My mom wanted a DJ. My mom wanted dancing. My mom told me to not sit down and make everyone feel like they were at a party. It just shocks me that there are people out there who continue to throw their bullshit at me. I have kept my mouth shut about quite a few things these last couple of months but I am too the point where I am going to be very honest and not hold back. This was why I was not writing, I have a feeling if I would have wrote last week I would have said much more.

Mom is on her way home with Pop and lunch. We are going to celebrate her results. Keep those prayers going

One day at a time.......

2009-07-21T21:33:00.001-07:00

Mom and Pop dancing to their song!!!!!!

The Invite

2009-07-21T20:29:00.000-07:00

Here is the invitation to mom's party. I waited to post it so everyone would have a beautiful surprise with the poem. Anne did a wonderful job and I plan to frame it along with a picture of my mom. For those who have not seen it, tissue required!!!!

My feet still hurt....

2009-07-21T19:05:00.000-07:00

The party has come and gone and my feet still hurt. Where do I even begin to write about that day. First mom looked GREAT, I mean she looked sooooo GOOD!!!! What else would I expect from my mom, she is one beautiful woman.

Pictures will come soon, Pop is working on that task...... might be awhile folks.
Mom is still talking about how much fun she had and how wonderful it was to see everyone. I am ready to have another, ha.

I know I should be writing a long blog about it and people are most likely expecting a long post about the party but I guess I am still tired but so grateful for that day. No words for it quite yet. Soon I will write more.

Just to let everyone know, I had thought mom would sleep for four days straight after the party. Not at all!!!!! She had visitors this morning and out to lunch followed by a drive around Elk Park. Tonight when I walked in the door from work and saw that she was still awake, I could not believe it!!!

One day at a time.....................

A Diet Coke Angel

2009-07-17T12:26:00.000-07:00

Crazy past few days. Tuesday was so hard because we had to say goodbye to Aunt Thelma, Aunt Melba, and Kathy. Wednesday we receive the call that Aunt Thelma was in the hospital after a fall. Seems we have dark cloud following our family and wish it would move on. Anne came over Wednesday afternoon and helped me with the pictures for the party. Anne and her creativity found a beautiful guest book. We are asking everyone to sign it and have their picture taken at the party. We will place the photo next to their signature. More fun than just a plain guest book.

Anne and I also went shopping for mom. She has a pair of polka dot black shoes that she has not been able to wear yet, so she asked for a outfit to match. Size zero pants are not easy to find but Anne and I did great. We finally found a perfect pair for mom at the Black/White store. The salesgirl was a little much and Anne tried her hardest to be polite but keep the lady out of my face. I love shopping but it just was not a easy thing to do. I wanted to find something she would be comfortable in but cute. Wanted it to be her style and match the shoes. I was just overwhelmed. The salesgirl would not stop and kept insisting on knowing what we were shopping for and who. I finally told her point blank what it was for and she left us alone. Anne thinks I scared the crap out of her but at least she left us alone.

Thursday I woke up in a bad mood. I checked my email before going to work and really exploded. I have kept my mouth shut about quite a few things and some people that are really pushing me close to the edge. I have tried to not even write about it on here because I don't want to be angry. While Kathy was here she kept me calm, Anne makes me laugh and Tara calls and reminds me "not to go postal" :) Thursday I did not have those girls so I went to work in a foul mood. It changed the second I walked in the door. Betsy sees me and smiles while telling me there is something on the counter for me. I am thinking great, a missed signature on a contrast form and grumpy radiologist was there. Walk into the control room and see a red bag with a card sticking out. I read the card, look in the bag, and there goes the waterworks. Tears of joy and just was amazed by my diet coke angel. Her name is Sarah and I went to high school with her. I don't think I had many classes with Sarah, she actually went to class and was a very good student. Our lockers were never right by each other. We did know each other and would say hellos. Found each other on facebook and found we both have addiction to diet coke and joke with each other. Sarah has been following my blog and often sends me encouraging words. So, here I am at work having a awful day that was completely brightened by her act of kindness. Sarah aka diet coke angel had filled a bag with diet coke goodies. A six pack of diet coke(I swear the cans were cold, don't know if she did that) Diet coke pencils, diet coke playing cards, diet coke notepad etc... I cant begin to tell you how much that meant. She put together this wonderful gift with a sweet card, dropped it off at work for me and I have not seen her in over 12 years. How sweet, how thoughtful, how awesome she is. As my coworkers are hugging me and telling me to stop crying, I am telling them who she is and they start on about how awesome this girl is!!!! So to those from high school that read this and know Sarah Schepker, hug her next time you see her.

The party is this Sunday and mom is looking forward to it. I am just hoping my cousins Greg, Dana, and Kathy are still able to come up from Georgia. They may not want to leave Aunt Thelma. Everything is pretty much ready, I still may put one more picture board together. I hope it turns into a fun day for her. Hope everyone shows up. I have been told a few just cant handle it and worry she may look too sick. I am not going to write what I really want to say to that. I find it bullshit, she looks tired and has lost weight. I cant believe some would use that excuse.

Uncle Jimmy, Captain Jack, and my cousin Jim just left. We had a nice visit. Captain Jack drove up from Georgia to see mom, he cant stay for the party because of work but he did want to come and see mom. Drove up today and will drive back tomorrow. Kathy Lynn, he looks better than ever, I just kept toughing his rock solid arms and reminding myself he is my cousin. George Clooney has nothing on that man.

Mom is having a pretty good day. She promised my cousin Jim the first dance on Sunday. I was so happy to see him. Have not seen him in over a month, I just kept hugging his neck. Jim and I have become so much closer this past year. I rely on him for strength. I told him that he and I should just move to Georgia when all this is over. Atlanta Police department would be lucky to have him, STLPD sure would miss him though.

One day at a time............................

Home Sweet Home

2009-07-14T20:47:00.000-07:00

Last Thursday I walked in the door from work and into the arms of Kathy Lynn, Aunt Melba, and Aunt Thelma. For the first time in the last couple of months, I could finally breathe. This house once again felt like a home. While they were here, it all seemed better. At the same time while they were here, I had some bad days but they knew what to do. They understood my tears, they understood my frustration at people who are thoughtless. They just knew what to do.

Aunt Thelma and Aunt Melba had words of wisdom while Kathy Lynn had her way to tell me with laughter, hugs, and straight forward.

This morning was the hardest goodbye. I cried like crazy after they walked out the door. Thank goodness I had to work today or I have a feeling I would have cried all day.

Much was talked about the past few days. Kathy Lynn sat me down and talked to me about Uncle Bruce and what would be best for him as well as my future. I love her so. I slept while she was here without the tv on, without waking up every hour. Kathy Lynn also has me feeding raccoons now, I will blame her (I know you are reading this) because this evening I had ten in the backyard with me. My Pop is going to flip. :)

Mom loved having them here with fresh made biscuits every morning followed by fried apple pies all day. I wish she could have gone with us to visit Uncle Bruce but each morning she would say "maybe tomorrow"
I wish we could have at least taken her on a ride around Elk Park but she wanted to rest.

Not to much more to write about tonight, no more tears for the day so I am going to watch Nurse Jackie and try to sleep. I miss you Kathy, Aunt Thelma, and Aunt Melba!!!!!!!!

One day at a time.............

Real True Sleep

2009-07-11T10:06:00.000-07:00

I have finally had real true sleep the last two nights. I admit Kathy Lynn and I have stayed up till 3am-4am but as soon as we lay down I really sleep. Kathy is sleeping with me and just knowing she is right beside me, I can finally sleep. I have not woke up every hour while tossing and turning all night since they have been here.

Its a cloudy day here. Pop is going to take Aunt Melba and maybe Kathy to go see Uncle Bruce today. I was pretty upset yesterday so I may just not go today. I am not happy with that place and feel Uncle Bruce is not being cared for. Kathy had a very long talk with me last night about Uncle Bruce. The waterworks really came out. Not ready to write about that yet.

The party is really coming together. Just about everyone has responded. We have people coming in from Georgia, DC, Kentucky, and all over Missouri. Mom is so excited.

Not sure what else we may do today. Mom already has had one little nap so she may be up for a couple hours with us. I know she had wanted to drive around Elk Park but with this weather we may just put that off till tomorrow.

One day at a time..............

Update on Mom's Party

2009-07-10T21:33:00.000-07:00

Wonderful Nancy (Sarah's mom) just sent me a email with a wonderful idea. She knows someone who had a similar party like we are having for mom. They asked everyone to write a letter or short note to be placed in a special box. These letters/notes will be to mom that she may read at a later date.

I love this idea. Love it. So, spread the word about this people. I will try to get a hold of some that I know do not read the blog but I think this is a great idea. At the moment, lets not tell mom. This could be a wonderful gift for her. She could read a letter a day or all of them at once.

This letter can be a memory you have of her, how much you love her, and /or anything you would like to write to her. No limit on the number of words or pages folks. If you find you can only write a few words or write a book, who cares.

Spread the word and help me get this idea out there. Thank you my dear Nancy!!!! I would not have thought of this. I was going to have a guest book but this idea has me grinning ear to ear. I am coming by soon to give you a huge mom hug for this!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Start your letters folks!!!!

Finally feels like home....

2009-07-10T10:27:00.000-07:00

I have never been so happy to see these three as I walked in from work last night. Somehow they have made it feel like home again and just made me feel at ease. Last night we all sat around laughing and looking at pictures. Teasing Aunt Thelma for taking too long hemming everyone pants. Kathy and I stayed up late as always. We sat outside a bit and all of a sudden here comes a raccoon. Sat there and looked at us, Kathy talked to the little thing and I thought he was just going to sit right beside us.

Right now I am surrounded by the smell of fried apple pies that Aunt Melba is baking. Oh heaven.

Had to stop writing earlier. We all decided to go see Uncle Bruce but mom was too tired. She is hoping she is able to go Sunday with us and visit. Uncle Bruce was very excited to see everyone. We brought him a fried apple pie and cucumber/tomato salad.

This morning we had a great breakfast. Uncle Jimmy and Aunt JoAnne came back this afternoon with two huge boxes of potatoes that he dug today and cucumbers. We had a great dinner. Mom is stuffed and resting on the couch. Chicken, cornbread, potatoes, green beans that Aunt Thelma brought from her garden, squash, zucchini, fried squash, and fried zucchini. We are all sitting around barely talking because we all ate too much.

I think this evening most will go to bed early. Stayed up late last night and almost everyone was up at 7am already cooking breakfast. Kathy and I will hang out tonight. Not sure yet what we might do. We have some beverages downstairs that we sneak around. ha

I hope these next few days go by slow because Tuesday is too soon for them to leave.

Peaches

2009-07-08T10:42:00.000-07:00

My three southern peaches arrive tomorrow...wooo-hoooo. Oh how excited I am to hug my Aunt Thelma, hear my Aunt Melba say Carrie Lynn or sweetie or baby and then grin like crazy while jumping up and down when I see Kathy!!!!!! I already feel a huge load of stress off my shoulders knowing they are coming.

Mom is back in bed. She had a nice visit with her friend Dana. Dana and mom worked together at Pillsbury and mom is the godmother to her son. She made mom homemade chicken noodle soup and a cake. I have a feeling dad will eat the cake in two days.

Looks really tired today. I thought her energy would be higher today since yesterday was a rough day. That seems to be the schedule, one good day followed by a bad day but seems lately the bad days are more and more.

This morning I laid down with her from about 7-8:30. We just laid there and talked while the cats were fighting over who could be on the bed with us. Mom and I have so many moments like that.

Had planned on writing more but just got a call. Gotta run!!

No Diet Coke

2009-07-07T21:00:00.000-07:00

I have had no diet coke today so I just might be a little crabby. Mom did not have a very good day. She had pain and felt ill. She slept most of the day.

I worked today and was a guinea pig for the MRI department. We had a new cardiac coil come in, had to test and train on it, so I volunteered to have the MRI. Now most do not enjoy this procedure, we slid you in a small tunnel like scanner and then there is the noise. For some reason I loved it. The noise only happens when you scan and since everyone was learning, the scan part maybe happened 20 times in the hour I was in. It was the first hour I had where it was quiet and somehow peaceful. I finally just let my mind rest. Every since we found out about mom I have been going non-stop. When I am alone, I make sure the radio or tv is on, always have to be doing something because otherwise I just cry. I have never fell asleep with the tv on and now do it every night. I hate the quiet. I use to love the quiet.

Anne and Greg called today to see if they could come visit Mom. I was still at work and mom said tomorrow would be better. Mom would never turn away Anne so means she must have had a bad time today. I worked till a little after 7pm and when I got home she looked exhausted. She did laugh quite a bit talking to my cousin Steve on the phone. I just love to hear that laugh. Steve always makes her laugh, well Steve makes everyone laugh.

Just sat here for ten minutes staring at the keys. I really just want to write how much I love her. How much I hate this. How much I am going to miss her. How , how, how , how will I get through this. She is my rock, my best friend, my hero and simply my angel. Well, there goes the water works, time to stop writing.

one day at a time..........

Rascal Franklin Monroe and some Disappointment's

2009-07-06T18:19:00.000-07:00

Spent all day with mom today, I was suppose to work but it was a extra shift and got called off. Pop went out most of the afternoon, so it was just mom and I. She has more energy and not sleeping as much plus the confusion is gone. I am so thankful for that.

She wanted tacos from taco bell for lunch and then we drove around Elk Park. We only saw two elks but about ten wild turkey running around. Mom is really hoping to go see the sting ray exhibit at the zoo and hoping there is a cool day where we can do so. While driving around she began to tell me what charities she would like to have donations made to. This is where Rascal Franklin Monroe comes in.... Anne, grab a tissue now. Mom has decided she would like donations made to Love a Golden Rescue. Anne volunteers for this organization and my mom always gave. She loved Anne emailing her about the latest rescue or about what dog she was currently fostering. Right now her parents are fostering Rascal and Anne told mom all about him. Mom has always wanted a dog but no way would my Pop have that. She also picked the Humane Society as well as Cancer Research. Her heart goes with the animals though.

Speaking of animals, mom and I were rolling with laughter today. My two cats are starting to like it here. They both were hanging out by the front door when a chipmunk decided to hop on the front porch. Oh my cats went nuts. Then another chipmunk appears and my cats were running between the front door to the dining room window going nuts. Tails wagging and meows so loud. Times like that I wish I had a video camera, mom was loving it.

She had a good day. She had some disappointments over the weekend. A few people had said they would come to visit and not one showed up. Plus she really was looking forward to going to Anne and Tara's for the fourth but was too tired.

Counting down the minutes till I get off work Thursday and come home to find my Aunt Thelma, Aunt Melba, and Kathy here. I don't think I have ever been so excited or felt such relief .

One day at a time.....

Rainy weekend and missed parties

2009-07-05T18:36:00.000-07:00

This weekend was just no fun. It definitely did not feel like the Fourth of July weekend. The weather did not help either. Friday was a good day, Anne and I focused on the party and accomplished so much. Saturday was suppose to be a full fun day but the rain got in the way. Anne and Tara both were to have parties and I think mom would have made it. Fireworks were put off until Sunday and mom just had a tired day.

Think this must have been the first Fourth that Mom, Pop, and myself did not see one firework. What a rainy weekend it was and how true it is that the weather can affect your mood.

My two Aunts and cousin arrive Thursday from Georgia and I am counting down the minutes till they get here. If it is possible to be around someone that feels like home/mom, it is my family from Georgia. Only problem is, I will not want them to leave.

Mom and I each laid on a couch yesterday and watched a marathon of clean house. All of a sudden she decided to tell me everything she wanted for her funeral from the music to her pallbearers. She then went on to tell me her Ma died when she was 30. As the tears ran down my face, she told me I would be ok. I don't know how I ever will be ok.

I just wish it was all a bad dream.

Rain, Invites, and my Anne Marie

2009-07-04T14:39:00.000-07:00

Yesterday my dear Anne came over to help with the party, house, my emotions, and basically anything I needed. We started out to buy the paper for the invite. We spent quite a bit of time just staring at the choices of paper and both thinking how did we get here? Why am I picking out paper for a party that breaks my heart but also makes me smile. So, with a few shrugs and nods of no's, yes, and maybes, Anne and I finally found the perfect paper. Then what the hell should it say???

We drove out to the banquet hall to pick out food, make the deposit, see the room. It will be beautiful. So thankful Anne was with me because I was full of emotions but once again held it in. The guy we were dealing with was very nice and told me I was handling it so well. Some reason that stuck with me all day. I asked Anne what did that mean? How should I be acting?

We found the foam board for the pictures. We came up with many ideas for the party. All day we kept thinking of what to say on the invite. We drove to a church to see Pastor Ryan for a bible verse but office closed. We drove to a hallmark store because Anne said where else to look for the perfect quotes. Hallmark employees at that store thought we were crazy. Here is Anne writing down everything she sees, here I am walking around with a dazed look mumbling that's not it, that wont work. We both looked at every book of quotes and bible verses they had. I did buy something before we left because I felt bad we spent so much time in that store.

Stopped by Roger and Janie to grab a few more pictures and I always enjoy seeing them for my second parents hug. Anne and I get back here and start working on the invites. No quote worked, no bible verse worked, no song lyrics worked. Anne then said she was going to write something special just for mom. And that's just what she did. My dear Anne sat there, laid down, walked around, ate some pizza and wrote the most beautiful poem about my mom. I am so tempted to post it here but want you all to read it the first time when it arrives in the mail.

Yesterday was rough, my mom had a great day. I had some disappointing phone calls, upset that I am planning a party for this reason, but Anne had me laughing and helped so much. God did not bless my parents with more children but He did bless me with Tara and Anne, my two sisters in my heart. I could not have got so much done if not for the two of them. Tara sent two containers of chicken and dumplings for mom....she already ate one whole container. Tara has now said there will always be a container in the fridge for her. ha

So, again with the party..... I really need a headcount. I have told the banquet hall it will be around 200 for now. I can add more but no later than probably end of this week. The invites are so pretty, I am sending them out to everyone but again if you can RSVP now please do so!!!! July 19th 1-6pm. Email me at carrielynnstl@yahoo.com

Change for the Party

2009-07-01T16:13:00.000-07:00

Party has been changed to July 19th!!!!!!!!

We have changed the party date after the Dr visit today. It will now be July 19th from 1-6pm. Please send me your address or RSVP to me at carrielynnstl@yahoo.com. I need a head count and if you do not need a invite mailed to you and can RSVP now, please do so!!!

Light food provided along with soda, beer, and wine.

Counting to ten does not work.......

2009-06-30T14:16:00.000-07:00

I wish I was more like my mom where I could just count to ten and remain calm. Mom is home and sound asleep. She did get sick as soon as she walked in the door but I believe it was the car ride home that upset her. Hopefully by tomorrow morning she will feel a change with her back pain.

As far as trying to be more like mom and simply count to ten......it does not work when it comes to my Pop. It has now hit the point where we glare at each other and unless mom is in the room with us we try to stay away from each other. I know he is hurting as much as me, I know he is just as stressed as me if not more but we just can not get along. I was worried this would happen when I moved back home. Pop and I built up our father/daughter relationship while I was living in Dallas. Those extra miles away from each other made us close and work on things. We still did great when I moved back to St. Louis but now that we are under the same roof we are back to bickering and being so hateful to each other.

I am trying my best to bite my tongue. I almost exploded at him today. I was home when they got back from hospital. I was going to spend the afternoon cleaning and trying to throw away things that are not needed. My parents can be secret pack rats and it drives me nuts. They walk in and I see right away mom is going to be sick. I grab a bucket just in time and ask Pop to go get two cold washcloths. So he brings back one......OK I count to ten and say "Need one more please" I try to say please more and more with him so he does not accuse me of being bossy.
So here we are.... mom getting sick in a bucket. I am holding her up and wiping her neck. I hear my phone start ringing. Here comes Pop with my phone "Carrie your phone is ringing"
You have got to be kidding me. I know I gave him a awful look. I know I said something along the lines of "Are you a idiot". I mean really... Hey mom can you stop throwing up so I can answer this non-important phone call. Oh but wait there is more.... so mom is still throwing up and Pop sees the flowers that were delivered today and decides to bring the huge basket pf flowers and starts saying sweetie look at the flowers. Maybe I am crazy but if I was bending over in the middle of the kitchen throwing up in a bucket and had someone standing behind me trying to make look at flowers.... well I would probably turn around and puke all over their feet. So I look at Pop and say "Really? Pop come on, not right now" Oh well that made him explode at me. Do you see where I am going with this, Pop and I have turned our paths into a war zone.

On a lighter note, Pop is going to a support group tonight which I have been encouraging for the last few weeks. I know he needs to talk and hear other stories because he just is still so overwhelmed by it all. While I may write about him and his ways that drive me nuts, bottom line is I love my Pop so hope this group does help him.

We go back tomorrow to see the Dr. I go back to work Thursday. Part of me cant wait. I miss my co-workers and getting my mind off what is going on here at home. I will be working two days a week for this month. My boss and I had a long talk about it and she felt I needed to work during this to simply have a couple of days to escape and forget. She is right. While it is going to break my co-workers hearts, I have been looking at another school and does not have to do with MRI. I am looking at radiation therapy school. I know when all this is over I am going to fight this cancer bitch somehow. While I love the ER and love MRI, I have found I want to work against the cancer bitch.

Acosta and Tacos

2009-06-29T11:17:00.000-07:00

We drove out to mom's office this morning. She wanted to go in and see everyone but at the same time find out where she stands with her job. Oh she was beaming when she walked in. Hugs all around. Love watching her smile and give hugs. How many people just love my mom...

She got a little teary-eyed while talking with her boss. He calls her Bernie and made it clear no one else would be sitting at her desk. I have gotten to know some of her co-workers and talked to a few about what is really going on. You know my mom, she maybe did not tell them everything.

While we were there, someone brought up the fact that it was dollar taco day at El Maguey. As soon as we get in car, mom announces she wants to go. She had one taco but she got sick when we got home.

I am starting to really notice her eyes and trouble with completing words and thoughts. I do not like her eyes today. Something seems off. Her trouble completing thoughts has been going on the last few days but definitely increased today. I tried to get Pops opinion but it made him too upset to talk about it. Tomorrow I am going to suggest another MRI of the brain. I know it was just last week but we know this cancer bitch likes to move fast.

Pop and I are really struggling last few days. We have got to the point of not really speaking to each other unless its about mom. Living together I knew would be hard and we both are just stressed out, so I know it will pass.

Mom has been talking about the party more and more. Part of me worries about the date. Mom wants that day though because she likes Andres. Plus I think she knows if we were to move it up, it was for a reason and none of us wants to admit what that reason would be.

Over the weekend mom had some great visits and the fridge is full. Tara and Janie brought roast that mom loved. Janie brought her famous homemade apple pie which speaks to me every time I walk in the kitchen. Judy and Kay brought all kinds of goodies. Judy's pasta was a big hit with mom. She slept in her new polka dot pjs that she loves..thanks Judy and Kay!
Yesterday she did not want visitors which tells me she was having a bad day. She usually never turns away visitors.

Next week my Aunt Thelma, Aunt Melba, and my cousin Kathy are flying in from Georgia. I cant wait. I so need them here. I know mom needs them here. I just cant wait to be able to lay my head on their shoulder and cry. They will just make everything feel OK. They always do. I always ran to Georgia when I needed to get away.

August 23!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2009-06-26T12:35:00.000-07:00

We are having the party on Sunday August 23 from 1-8pm. Andres South gave us a great deal. 1-6pm drinks will include soda, beer, and wine. 1:30-4:30 will be assortment of food. It was hard to find a place for a Saturday night but I think this time will work better for mom.

Invites soon. Will also post it on here. Let me know now if you are planning on coming now so I can get a head count!!!!!

Mom is very excited!!!

One Day at a Time

2009-06-25T19:37:00.000-07:00

I know we need to take all this one day at a time. Yesterday was a crazy day, we heard awful news but at the same time, Mom was having such a good day. How exciting it was to sit at a restaurant and have a meal with her. How wonderful it was to see her get a haircut and laugh. It was a all around great day even hearing that bad news.

Today, I focused on the good day we had, unpacking the basement, and thinking of ideas for the party. She was sick today and mostly slept. It is so hard that each day we just never know what to expect. I hate that.

Mom will undergo a small out patient procedure on Tuesday to correct her collapsed T6. Her pain should improve greatly.

Not much more to write tonight. Thank you to all who have called and emailed me with offers of help for the party. It is going to be a great time!!!

We Are Having A PARTY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2009-06-24T18:29:00.001-07:00

So, we are planning a party... big party... huge party... PARTY of the YEAR for my Mom!!!!!!

Visit today was not news we wanted to hear but one day at a time. The stupid cancer bitch has spread. It has made its way to her liver. T6 has collapsed. ughhhhhhh more news but the news here is we are going to celebrate my mom and have a huge party for her.

She had a great day today. The steroids have given her so more energy. Get ready for this news.... we ate out after the hospital!!!!!!! Mom got out!!! woooo-hhoooooo!!!! She wanted to go to the Elephant Bar and ordered a pasta dish that she ate more than half... more woooo-hoooo. Mom and I went and waited for Pop to meet us. Mom looked at me and said she wanted to plan a party. I said sure. She said not at the house an not where we had my 30th because it would be too small. I was thinking "hell yea"
Then her cute as a button butt said "Carrie, we need to get those big cooler of beer things"
"Uhhh,, mom do you mean a keg"
She smiled, "Yes, that's it, how many? Are you thinking 5"

Oh my... I ask how many people is she thinking. Without hesitating she said 300-350. She said everyone is invited.
ha ha ha... she always added we would not have subway crap sandwiches, we would have really good food. Cracking me up!!! I have already called Tara to help me plan. She would have been the first person I called but before I could tell mom, she said right away "Call Tara Rose for help" ha.

So everyone will be invited and I mean everyone!!! My mom wants a huge party and I am going to make sure she gets it. If you have a connection to a banquet hall, DJ, or catering company please let me know!!!!! Any help would be great.

Again everyone is invited. Tara will be making a special invite that mom has requested but I will post it on here as well when the date is set. We are thinking middle August.
Lets throw her the biggest party ever and show her how much we all love her!!!!!!!

Mom is in a good mood with high spirits. What a strong person she is. I have been smiling and laughing with her all afternoon and plan to do that each day. No more tears, saving those for car drives alone, showers, and late nights. But from now on... smiles and laughter with my beautiful mom.

Ellen came over tonight and cut her hair. She looks great!!!!! Thank you Ellen... love you dearly sweets!!!!!! Ellen and I had mom laughing the whole time.

So again.... get ready for a party and any help would be great. Keep those prayers going!!!!

Watermelon and 110

2009-06-23T18:52:00.000-07:00

There have been so many times since last Thursday that I have started a new entry and could not find the words to finish a sentence. Mom has been home since last Thursday. She is so relieved to be here and so much more comfortable to be in her own home.

I do not want her anywhere else but here as well but its a struggle. She sleeps probably about 18-21 hours a day. She is so weak and so very frail. It kills me to watch her walk down the hallway because I know it wears her out. We are having a hard time in the food department. Right now it is so important to make sure she eats....its a hard task. She has lost her taste for sweets. Food must be soft right now. Nothing seems to taste good to her and not make her feel nausea. On Father's Day, my dad went to my cousin Davids and he brought home food for us. Mom truly ate that day. She had tenderloin, baked beans, and watermelon. The watermelon was a hit. She was still eating watermelon last night.

Her pain is getting worse. That is one of the hardest to watch. I hate it. I hate knowing she is pain and nothing I can do to take it away. I am not as bothered by her sleeping like my dad. He hates that she sleeps so much. He just wants her awake and walking, of course I want that but I know between her body and the meds, she is going to sleep.

Friday evening my cousin Robin, Dana, Kristin, and my Uncle Earl came to see her. She did well. She enjoys visits. Uncle Jimmy has brought his homemade potato soup. Sunday, my Aunt Diana, cousin Steve and Stevie came. At one point they said they were going to leave so she could rest and she said no. Visits are good for her because well, my mom loves everyone but it keeps her up. Last night cousins Denny and Jenny brought over Sybergs pasta. Mom had not tried pasta yet and it seemed to work.

I am still just in shock that on Easter Sunday my mom woke up with pink eye and we went to this. How did it happen like this? I hate how frail she is. I hate that she looks sick. Last few days have been hard between Pop and I. Getting tense and I am trying hard to not let that happen. He is getting angry because he feels I am hiding things I know from him. I am not hiding.. I truly am protecting him. Pop is in denial and just cant yet accept what is happening. My mom asked me to talk Sunday with her. She is worried about Pop and how he is going to handle what is coming. She also told me she is at peace with it. I did not know she was ready to have this conversation... I was not.

Today she woke up and weighed herself. She had dropped to 110. She felt extremely weak so we called Kim (angel on earth who works as a nurse) to ask if we could come in and get fluids. After talking to Kim, it was decided we would also perform a ct scan today. After the Dr. saw her it was decided we would set up a MRI of brain tomorrow.

Mom has decided to stop chemo. I am ok with that. We will find out results of the scan tomorrow and hopefully hear it has not spread.

Feels like months have passed since we brought mom home just last Thursday. Cancer is a bitch....it has just taken her too fast.

So, this is why I have not written last few days. I feel I have no good news to share except she really ate watermelon.

Side note for those who know about Uncle Bruce... I did admit him to a long term care facility and hate it. Hate it. In my opinion it is a temporary solution and he will be with me soon. My dear cousin David went with me yesterday to his home. It was trashed. Horrible. David told me to take the pictures I wanted and I would never come back. Home is going in foreclosure which is the best. I have him unlisted in the facility so those people cant find him. I am trying my best to make sure he is ok but I did not go see him yesterday or today. I am trying my best to make sure that does not happen again. I do not want two days to go by that I do not see him. I promised my mom he will be taken care of and I will fulfil that promise.

very quick

2009-06-23T09:26:00.000-07:00

Taking my mom in for fluids. She is down to 110 piunds and just too weak. Talked to the nurse and it was decided to also do a ct scan as well. Chemo is more than likely not going to continue.
Running out the door but have been getting emails, texts, and calls to check on her and just cant answer them all right now. Will write when we get home with more details.

Finally!!!!!!

2009-06-18T12:33:00.000-07:00

MOM IS HOME FROM THE HOSPITAL!!!!!!!!!!

Will write more later with all the details but right now just too happy she is home. I am just watching her sleep :)

Are you there God... It's me Carrie and Pop

2009-06-17T22:01:00.000-07:00

So, I am just wondering if the big man upstairs is listening or just really busy. I would like to ask him to give my Pop and I a break. I mean really... can you back off just a little? If this is some test can we have a make up day?

Dad and I go see Uncle Bruce today. I have been avoiding it simply because I know my uncle, I know the minute we were to walk in the room he would demand to go home. How do you tell a loved one they can not go home? Plus if you knew my Uncle... how the hell do you tell him? He looked good, sitting on the edge of the bed just like I expected and the minute I walk in the room I hear the famous "hey darling" That pleasant voice did not last long as he continued to ask why I would not take him home. I went to the nurse and asked her to page the social worker I had spoke with. I asked her how Bruce had been and she looked me up and down and said fine. Okay... so maybe I looked like a mess. I admit, I have no clue where half my clothes are, I have no desire to fix my hair, and quite frankly I look like a girl who just cries all the time. Picture this... me, white cotton long skirt you wear to the beach( I was dreaming when I put it on) gray Texas football t-shirt and my hair... well lets just say it was up. Did it look like a mess... most likely. Did I care... nope.

So social worker comes and tells me .. well, shitty news. She called 30 long term care facility's and only 2 agreed to Uncle Bruce. Really????? yep. So I should add the fact, I went to school for gerontology and quite frankly I am very picky. I hated the two right away. hated them. No LTC will accept Bruce bc of his history and high elopement risk. I knew this would happen. I look at Pop who at this point is in his own world worried about mom and continue to drill the social worker about other options. She at one point told me I was too picky. Really??? You think???

So here we are ..... my mom would not agree to these terms if she was well. How do I?? At same point I can not move right back out and take my Uncle with me bc mom needs me home with her. Pop broke today. He really broke. I don't understand why this is all happening at once. Somehow I need to make a decision about where my Uncle should go by tomorrow. I have called family and asked their advice but at the same time, they have not seen him. They don't know how he is. They don't know what we have been dealing with. Not their fault... they live in Georgia....just shit. I mean I just want to say crap. Why cant I have a week to really look at things and make the best decision. Hospital wants to discharge him tomorrow... what time that gives me.

And mom.... well mom looks sick. She just plain out looks bad. They want to do a MRI of her brain again. I know what that means.

Pop really broke tonight. I finally called my friend Sarah and said I needed to get out. Thank God she lives four minutes away. First time in a week I have called a friend for help.

I have no idea what this entry is even about.... I cant put my Uncle in a nursing home even though I know that is what needs to happen now.... I cant stand to walk in moms hospital room and see this frail sick beautifful woman that I love so dearly. I guess I am asking God to give us a break....please. I know I am mad at you.... frustrated at why this is happening... but give us a break, please.

Made it 18 hours or so without crying

2009-06-16T18:24:00.000-07:00

Home from hospital. This visit did not go well. Pop asked if I would go have dinner with him before going to the hospital. He felt neither one of us have been eating and thought we should go out. I suggested El Nopal and surprisingly he agreed. (Sarah, it was packed.. I looked for Jim and Nancy)

Awkward dinner.. I was quiet. Pop was quiet. We finally started to talk but ended up talking about Uncle Bruce so my eyes welled up again. Last night Uncle Bruce called me. It was so sad. After hanging up with him I just can't place him somewhere. Can't do it. So I asked Pop if we could move Uncle Bruce in with us. Very surprised that Pop did not look at me like a idiot and said "is that what you want" I said yes... I told Pop that when the time comes that I move back out, I will take Uncle Bruce with me. Told him that I would never put him or mom in long term care so how could I do that to Uncle Bruce. He has agreed to think about it. I know it sounds insane but I love my Uncle.

Walk into moms room and just started crying. She did not look good today. Placed the port today so she was sore. She just looked so frail and sick. I could not stop the tears from rolling down my cheeks. Was not sobbing, just constant tears falling. Don't think she could tell because she could barely keep her eyes open but Pop saw it. I laid with her for a bit and she just kept telling me I smelled good. She fell asleep, Pop decided we should go and let her sleep. She woke to tell us by and said the same thing she has said to me every night since I was little... Goodnight, Sweet Dreams, I love you.

They have decided not to do chemo tomorrow and wait one week. We are hoping she can come home in three days or so. I want her home so much.

Ride home was awful. Pop broke. He started sobbing and telling me we have to stay positive. I don't remember saying anything but "pull over and let me drive" I must have said it five times and finally gave up. I have seen my Pop cry like that once in my life. It was at Aunt Lo Lo's funeral and it was horrible to hear and see. I told him I was sorry that I had been so tearful the last week. I was mad at myself for crying in front of him because I had been the strong one when this started and now I am just losing it. He told me it was OK, he knew that I needed some crying time and I would get that strong part back.

I hope that strong part is coming back. I actually answered the phone today when Tara, Sarah, and Fadler called. I had not been answering bc I knew when I heard my friends I would just start crying. I did good. Cried a little with Fadler and he let me.. he acted like he did not know. Cried harder with Sarah bc who knows. It takes nothing for me to cry.

So...guess the crying spell is not quite over. This just sucks.

Woke up from Cying Spell

2009-06-15T14:05:00.000-07:00

Well, I think I am over the crying spell, at least maybe for the night. Once again this morning, I woke up feeling sick and pulled the covers over my head with Georgia curled up beside me and closed my eyes wishing it would all go away. Pop came down and told me it was ok, to stay in bed and cry if I needed to. (Those who know my father know this was huge) Told me to take the day and get better and just let it out. So another day wasted by tears, then cell phone rang again and for some reason I answered. I know many of you have tried calling last few days, I can only say sorry for not answering, I just knew I would cry if I did.

So, back to the phone call that woke me from my crying coma. Uncle Bruce has been in the hospital since Thursday. Pop and I got the call late Thursday night and we needed to get to the ER to give history and well to make sure Uncle Bruce did not knock any nurse out. To family members... you know how he is. We still don't know what exactly happened. Those lovely pieces of shit that continue to rob him and squat in his house called 911 claiming he had a seizure. By the time Pop and I got to hospital he was already being admitted and was cussing everyone out. Normally he will talk to me and stay somewhat calm but he yelled at me anytime I tried to approach the bed. I once again stepped up and talked to the nurse and the charge nurse about him while Pop stood off to the side. But then again, who can blame my Pop... the guy has put up with Uncle Bruce since he married mom and he has had it.

So, Uncle Bruce has remained in the hospital and I asked the staff to call me with any problems /updates and not bother Pop.Well, they have called. They have called since Thursday night at 3am, 5am, 1am, 10pm... every single night. "Your Uncle is trying to hit the staff" "Your Uncle wants his glasses" Your Uncle wants to smoke" "Your Uncle is highly agitated" "Your Uncle will not screaming at us" "Your Uncle wants his tennis shoes" ........Why the night staff is full of idiots, I don't know. Friday, I had requested a sitter be placed in the room with him after they asked me to stay with him. My mom knows he is in the hospital but she does not know it all. I now have to somehow build up enough courage to tell her about the phone call I just received.

I have been telling my parents the last couple months that I want to take over Power of Attorney for my Uncle. My mom does not need it and I don't want that to fall in my dads lap. Plus, I am not going to baby Bruce the way mom has and will make sure he has the negative people out of his life.

Social worker called from hospital and I spent a hour on the phone with her. I just agreed to place my Uncle. Hospital feels he is no longer able to care for himself at home(no shit) and he needs to be placed somewhere. I told the very helpful social worker that we have hot lined my Uncle three times in the last three months. I went over everything that has happened with him and at his house. I spent a good hour on the phone with her. I feel like my mom should have been part of the conversation but I said screw it and just took charge. After the phone call my Dad walked in the door and I told him everything. He agreed with me and then said "Who is going to tell your mother"

That phone call woke me up from my crying and feeling awful. I realized I need to be back to taking control of things and handling all of this. Mom needs me, Pop needs me and my crazy but dear favorite Uncle needs me. I cant pull the covers over my eyes and cry anymore. I have to pull myself together. I know the crying is going to come back, I know that angry phase is going to come back.... right now though, I am back to handling it all. I will admit though if my cousin Kathy was to book a flight to St. Louis... I would let her handle half. hint hint. love you.

So no more crying for the rest of the night.... that is my goal. One day at a time.

Same Bed... New Room, well sort of

2009-06-14T19:37:00.000-07:00

This post is going to make me sound like a bad daughter, a depressed daughter. and a all around confused daughter.

Mom went in hospital Monday as many know. She is still there. Now ask me how many times have I been? First, I had a fever and cold symptoms that I did not want to risk giving to her. By Wednesday, I knew I had pancreatis again. I had been at my dads since Monday bc the AC went out in my apartment and found myself on the couch in pain and crying at the drop of a second. My cousin Scott helped Friday by moving boxes and some furniture to make the load lighter on Saturday. I don't know how I was able to help Saturday. From Monday till today I have been a mess. I feel sick, my side is killing me, and I cant stop crying about my mom.

I guess it has finally hit me. My mom is sick and I there is nothing I can do to save her. I guess I am having a selfish week by being sick and crying. I have been so good about not crying and just getting things done. Maybe I have just exhausted myself. All I know is I want my mom. She has always been the one to make it better and now I need to try to make it better for her.

When I was in third grade, my best friends (my sisters in my heart) moved to south county. I was devastated. South county sounded like another state and what was I going to do without them. Mom was there, she hugged me, told me it would be ok. I was ok because mom was there.

When I was starting high school with braces and thought life would be over. I was suppose to have them off before starting high school... freshman with braces!!! But once again, was fine. Mom was there to tell me what every daughter needs to hear.

When I made life miserable for my parents when I was about 17 by making the wrong choices... once again, Mom was there. Pop was disgusted with me and our relationship has always been different since but my mom... my mom loved me no matter what.

When I came to my mom and told her I was moving to Dallas, I saw true sadness in her eyes. She knew I was going for the wrong reasons with the wrong guy. But once again, if my mom saw me smiling she would stand by. So when I called mom everyday from Dallas, she never once told me the mistake I had made. She waited for me to say I was ready to come home. And when I finally did, she was there. Came back to St. Louis feeling lost bc I left a great job and felt like I was taking ten steps back but mom was there.

When I continued to get sick and the Dr's could not figure out what was wrong, mom never gave up. I did, I was convinced after too many surgeries and too many tests they would never figure it out and I would be in pain. Mom never gave up and with her help I found a wonderful Dr who finally figured it out and with his help finally had the correct surgery.

When just this year I had my heart broken, mom was there. I thought I had found the man I would marry and while my mom disagreed she never said a word. Once again My mom just waited right by my side to catch me when I fell and to lift me up again.

She has always been there. I have been thinking of that each day this week and trying to somehow figure out what I am going to do without her by my side.

So, I am having that week. That week, where all I do is cry and wonder how I will ever make it without the person who loves me more than life and has always been there.

Miserable with no AC

2009-06-08T21:33:00.000-07:00

My AC went out today, not too much fun when you have a fever and feel ill. I have been trying to rest but at same time packing a couple boxes every couple hours. It is killing me I am not in my moms hospital room.

Earlier today when she was down in the cancer center waiting for a bed I tried to call my Dad's cell. Could not get him because his signal is no good in the cancer center. I just started crying my eyes out. I just had the biggest urge to hear her voice and knowing there was not a way to talk to her right then and there just broke my heart. I cried for about a hour. I ended up calling her voicemail at her office just to hear her voice. I can't imagine not hearing her voice. I can't imagine not being able to talk to her whenever I want.

So here I sit on the couch with both cats and my fan aimed at us on high. Pop told me I could go sleep there for the night. I can't do it. I don't want to be there because mom is not there. Is that crazy? Here I sit miserable knowing I am not going to sleep well and have a cool house to go to yet I can't.

I hope she is sleeping well. I hate I am not there in the room watching her sleep.

Back in hospital

2009-06-08T12:47:00.000-07:00

Mom is back in the hospital. She has radiation burns to her esophagus which is causing the swallowing issue. I had no idea Mom was at the Dr.'s office. The wonderful nurse called me and said "Carrie don't get mad", ha. She knew I would be upset that parents did not call me.
This morning I had called over there to let them know I woke up with a fever and some other things and I would not come see mom. I had been calling the house the last two hours and thought maybe mom felt better and dad had taken her to lunch, I wish :)

I am proud of Mom for calling the office to let them know the pain in her chest and throat were worse. Glad she is starting to be more open and honest when she does not feel good. Right now they have mom in the cancer center laying down with some IV fluids. They will set her up with some antibiotics and medicine to help coat the esophagus to make it heal. Guessing three to four days of a hospital stay. Kim (nurse) requested another private room which will be nice. I was told by Kim I will be in huge trouble if I try to go up there today. Can't risk giving my mom germs or anyone else. That is killing me.

Will write again with more updates as they come. Keep her in your prayers.

Purple Toes

2009-06-07T15:22:00.000-07:00

Before anyone freaks out... No, mom did not wake up and have purple toes. Pedicure yesterday and Ellen painted my toes purple. I just looked down and saw the cute color and had no other thought for a title!! :)

Lets start with yesterday. Mom and I went to get a pedicure yesterday morning. She had such great days on Thursday and Friday. Oh it was wonderful!! She asked me to call Ellen to set up pedicures for Saturday morning so she could have cute toes for our dear friend and my second father Roger's (not my Roger) birthday party on Saturday. We did not make the party. :(

I picked mom up in the morning and knew right away she was not feeling well. Walking slower than on Friday she sat in my car and sighed.
"Mom, we can cancel"
"No, I want to go"
She then went on to tell me that she was having problems swallowing. Her chest was in pain and she felt exhausted. I tried to tell her Ellen would not mind and understand if we cancelled but she really wanted to go. I believe she thought it would help.
Ellen started mom's pedicure first and mom loved it. She talked about how the warm water and massage felt so good. Ellen was so gentle with her and gave her a wonderful massage. Mom began telling both of us about a co-workers friend who was diagnosed with lung cancer, had surgery, and was doing so well. She sat the magazine down in her lap and turned to me and said "Carrie, why cant they just remove my lung"

Oh, crap. We were told surgery was no longer a option because it is stage four and already has spread. Ellen just looked at me and I could tell she was wanting to cry as much as I wanted to. I sat my magazine down and looked at mom. She then said "Its too far along, right"

I could only say "Yes"
She went back to her magazine and Ellen continued to rub her legs. Its those moments that kill me. Its those moments where I know mom knows what we are facing and just cant believe it. Its those moments I just want to grab onto her and take it all away. Its those moments where I say to God, give it to me instead.

After her pedicure, I offered to call dad to come get her so she would not have to sit and wait for me. She told me she had already told Dad to do just that. Dad arrives and I walk her and her cute pink toes out to the car. She hugs me and said I just cant make it to Rogers party. Please call Tara.

Go back in salon and walk over to Ellen. She hugs me. Told me it broke her heart when mom asked about removing her lung. Told me she just wants to hug her over and over. I know Ellen, me too!

Later in day I go check on her and still no better. I end up going home because I start sneezing and sniffling like crazy. By 9 last night my head and throat are killing me and I know I have caught a little bug. Have not gone over today because no way will I risk giving my mom a cold. I have made about ten calls over there.

Mom has been vomiting this morning and in pain. Its a bad day for her. I once again had to go over with her and dad both about the schedule of the nausea medicine. Every 4 hours but on days like this it can be 3. They replied they thought it was every 6 hours! No, no, no. Days like this I know I am making the right decision moving back in.

I just called over and dad was concerned that mom was not eating today. I asked what has he tried to give her and he said everything. He said she is in pain and did not want to eat. He then said you talk to her and make her eat.

Mom gets on the phone and ask if she has taken the nausea pills. "yes" OK that's good, has it helped "yes"
OK mom then you need to eat. Why do you not want to eat?
"My chest hurts"
"Mom, did you take your pain medicine?"
"No"

grrrrrr........ I tell her to take the pain medicine which will help the pain in her chest. The nausea medicine will not let her get sick from the pain meds.

"OK" just like that.

Dad gets back on phone and said "Well".....oh goodness
I asked him if he had told her to take the pain medicine since she said she was in pain!?!?

"No"

Oh .... count to 100, throw a shoe across the room, hit mute and say a few things aloud.....

"dad, when she is in pain you need to giver her the pain medicine"
"OK"

That's really all I can write about that phone call. I think it sums it up itself.

On a different note, I received a wonderful invite to go join a girl I went to high school with for a pedicure today. Thank you Liz! Had one yesterday plus feeling lousy but it was so sweet. I still can not get over how wonderful so many have been. People I have not seen in years with their kind emails and sweet offers. I love you all for it.

What to keep and what to throw away?

2009-06-04T15:32:00.000-07:00

Today was mom's last radiation treatment for a couple weeks. She deserves a nice break. I have seen improvement with her pain and her movement. Not moving as slow and more energy which I love to see. Glad the break is here, the last two days her back began to burn, which is normal but uncomfortable for her.

I did not go with her today and instead spent afternoon cleaning out their garage. All I can say is ...Crap. I mean my parents just keep everything. They have lived in this house for 8 years I believe. One side of the garage is still full of boxes!!!! Oh, they keep everything. I really expected to open a box and find my first dirty diaper!! I threw away quite a bit. I have a feeling they will both go look in the trash cans and make sure I did not throw away anything "important"

I know I need to start packing things up here at my place but having a hard time even getting started.

The other night I watched the movie He is just not that into you. My girlfriends that went out with me last night are well aware of this because I made a reference to that movie all night. I loved it, thought the ending was cheesy because they all had happy endings but still loved it. Not big on chick flicks but it was good. However, after it was over I found myself thinking...If Anne was watching it with me, she would have found the cutest outfit and cutest guy in the movie. (Greg, don't worry, you are still the cutest in her eyes) If Tara was watching it with me, she would have had some wise choice words about Jennifer Connelly's situation because Tara is my wise friend. If Sarah was watching she would have found a way to bring up that one day I would meet the right one :) and if Ellen was here.... well Ellen and I would drink wine, cry and laugh together. But the one person I enjoy watching these types of movies with the most in my Mom. It seems mom just makes everything better whether it be a movie, or shopping, or yard work. Everything I do with her, I enjoy.

I have received so many emails from family and friends who are reading this blog. I am sorry if I have not written you back. I have been very bad at replying but please know I read each one. It means so much that are so many people who love my mom. Whats not to love? She's beautiful in so many ways.

And to end this entry..... anyone who has a truck or a set of arms that would like to help me move please let me know!! I would like to avoid hiring movers .

Macy's and One Big Heart

2009-06-01T21:18:00.000-07:00

I thought I did not feel like writing tonight but here I go again. Having one of those nights where I feel nothing I say or hear is going to make a difference. Opened a corona, sliced a lime, and cuddled up on the couch to watch the movie Taken. Great movie but found myself wishing Liam Nelson was my Pop for one hour and walked in the leasing office with me :)

Movie ended and once again I found myself in deep thought about mom. Tried to not cry and focus on the fact I have the day off tomorrow and what section of their basement I could work on. Suddenly I had a memory of when I moved back to the Lou 2 years ago and found myself looking for room in their house for storage until I moved in my apartment. At the time my mom was working part time at Macy's. She had her full time job but started at Macy's for the discount and to get away from Dad watching tv all day on Saturdays. She loved it. She was in the children's department and had a ball. Here I go walking around the house before the movers showed up looking for empty closets and space, I walk into one guest bedroom and open the closet. I just about died and yelled "Mother" Here she comes and said "well it was all on sale" The closet was full of newborn, baby, toddler, and all the way up to about a 9 nine year old child size. No, really the closet was full. Every time a family member came over, she went in that closet to find the right size. Every time I went to a friends, mom went in that closet to find the right size for their kid. She gave away bags to goodwill, clothes that she would buy and not know someone that needed that size so just gave it away. My father would roll his eyes and complain he was paying Macy's to let my mom work there. What a beautiful person she is. Makes me ask the same question over and over each day.....Why my mom God???

30 Days

2009-06-01T18:34:00.000-07:00

I have to be out of my apartment in the next thirty days. I went to the leasing office before going to work today to hand over my written notice. My Pop insisted that he was there. He told me had a few words to say. So, Pop and I walk in and find the new manager along with a woman from the home office. I hand over my notice and ask the new manager for the address of the owners.
" I don't know what it is" That's all, not let me find that info for you, nothing. I continue to stare at her and meanwhile notice the woman who works at the office located at the address I am asking for is offering nothing.
I look at her and say "Ma'am, could you tell me the address"
She looks at me and says "What do you need it for"

Excuse me.... really, not making this up!!!

"Well, ma'am I would like to write a letter to the owners about my disappointment in this situation."

" I will give you the address but they will not change their minds. Do you know how many calls and letters we get about sick moms or family members and death"

OK so I am really wishing my Pop was not standing next to me at this point bc the words and actions that I was holding back were killing me. I did say quite a few things and walked out with Pop right behind me. I look at him and he just looks so sad. He told me he could not believe she just said that statement. I asked him why he did not say what he had planned. He responded "I cant believe she just said that" Poor Pop. He walked me to my car because he said he wanted to make sure I left for work and did not walk back in that office. Probably a good idea he did that.

So I have thirty days to somehow clean out my parents basement, pack up my place, and move it all in. Thirty days sounds like enough time but so much to do at their house before I can even start here.

We were very busy at work today but I snuck away to go down and find mom before her radiation appt. She looked good today. Lipstick was on!!! She has not worn lipstick in a couple weeks and mom never leaves the house without lipstick, so good sign. Left work at 7pm, called mom and she was already in pj's ready for bed. Decided to not go by and see her, instead let her go to bed.

No other updates, just not really in the mood to write today.

Sometimes you just have to scream

2009-05-31T09:13:00.000-07:00

I am pissed off!! That sums up how I am feeling today and yesterday, I am just one pissed off gal.

Here is what lead to me being PISSED OFF!. For some reason the more I write that the better I feel. Anyway, yesterday I go over to parents at 9am. My dad wanted to go run around with his friend and I was going to stay with mom. She was dressed when I got there which made me smile and she told me she was hungry for a salad. (I know, 9am and a salad but hey she was going to eat) So mom and I go to Bread company... where else do you get a salad at 9am. I was disappointed in how much she ate. Not even close to half. She looked exhausted so I wanted to get her home but she made the comment it felt nice to be out. She said"Carrie if you have anywhere you want to go, I can just wait in the car" Oh my dear sweet mother. I suggested we drive around Elk Park and then go home. She smiled and right away agreed. She loves that park as much as me. But, rainy morning and we did not see anything. I get her home and snuggled in and she slept all day.

Came home around three or so and walked into the leasing office. This is where I get pissed. I was suppose to hear from them on Friday about how they were willingly to work with me on breaking my lease. Let me say this first, I LOVE my apartment. Anyone who has been here raves about this place. I have referred a family member and friend here. I brag about this place. New owners came in last year and things started to go downhill. The manager in the leasing office left two weeks ago. I loved her, she gave me my cat Savannah. I know if she was still here and the old owners were still here this would not be happening.

So, I walk in and the guy looks at me like he has never seen me before even though I have talked to him three times this past week. I take a breath and try to act polite and say"any news on my lease"

"oh.. uhhhh...your lease? Oh right you are the one with the sick mom"

OK... right there I really wanted to take the big gulp he was sucking on and remove the straw and stick it in countless holes in his body. Instead.....

"Yes, so is there any news"

"Yep, got a email from the owners. They feel they can not distinguish what a crisis is or is not. So you have to follow the lease. Thirty day written notice with rent amount. Two additional months to break the lease and we keep deposit"

I at this moment try to hold back tears and then I just get pissed. Those of you who know me know I have a temper when I really get pissed. Takes something big but bad temper. The bitch in me has been asleep for about two years and that guy just woke her up. I stared for a moment before I spoke. I was trying to decide if I should just mumble OK and walk out the door before I would lose my temper but then all of a sudden words were flying out like crazy.

I went on to tell him I had letters from Dr., the cancer center, the social worker. I asked him if he had a mother at one point. And I really went on about what a "crisis" is. I continued to let him know what a ass I thought he and the owners were. I let him know I would never refer another person here, I was going to write reviews on every apartment online search. That my plan was to move back after mom... and I now would never come back. I just went off.

Was it the right thing to do?? Probably not, but he just happened to push me too close to the edge. Its been building up. I have been pissed that this is happening. I am pissed my mom is sick. I am pissed that my dad can't handle it. I am pissed I am having to take over my Uncle and no one is helping. I am pissed that pharmaceutical companies are making a fortune off people like my mom who are paying 200 for one medication. I am pissed at the guy that has radiation the same time as mom, he walks in alone, smiling, and looking all healthy. There is mom who is so worn out from the walk down the hall she barely makes it to the chair. I am pissed at a friend who claimed to always be there and since mom has been sick not one phone call. I am pissed that I feel so alone in this ( I know many of you call, text, email offers of support, don't take offense) I am pissed that this apartment complex feels I have no justified reason to break my lease.

So, its been building up. I wish I could say I felt better after yelling at him. Not at all. Felt good to scream a bit but not better. Still pissed, still sad, and problem was not solved. If mom heard this, she would tell me I should have counted to ten and walked away. I love that when she gets really mad she can count to ten and its gone. I never count to ten, I end up counting to fifty or higher. But like we all know mom is just a special person.

I guess I have hit the angry stage. Might just last a couple of days or might last a couple of weeks. Thank goodness I never sold that punching bag!!

Best Memory???

2009-05-29T10:57:00.000-07:00

I was at work yesterday and ran into the Radiologist who performed my mom's biopsy of her spine. I see him quite a bit at work and when I found out he would be the one for my mom, I was very happy. Young guy that just is so very personable. Anytime I need to go over to the reading room to find a radiologist I always look for him.

Mom was quite taken by him, she just kept telling me how good looking he is. That might be the other reason I always look for him when we need a signature or a STAT reading, ha.

So back to yesterday, walking down the hall and there he is. We always chit chat but yesterday he just gave me a hug and said "how is that sweet mom of yours doing"
I told him about this week and starting chemo. He gave me another hug and told me to not forget my own health and to take it easy on myself as well. Then he told me anytime I feel like crying, let it out by follow it by thinking of the best memory I have of my mom.

Good advice , I smiled, said thank you and then well, smiled the rest of the day because he gave me two hugs, ha. His words stuck with me all day, last night, and now onto today.
Best memory??? Where do I even begin, maybe I am so very lucky that I can't just pick one.

Most of my friends have a similar relationship with their moms like my mom and I. There are a few that do have not that close mother/daughter relationship and I find it so very sad. Mom is my best friend and for those who don't have that with their moms, I am so very sorry. Mom and I talk everyday, more than once. We see each other probably every other day but since all of this of course everyday. I tell my mom everything, sometimes too much. When I am sad, I call her. When I am sick, I call her. When something wonderful has happened, yep I call her. I can never shop with anyone else. Best shopping partner around. We have had a lot of practice over the years. I really just cant sit here and think there will be a day where I cant call her.

So back to that one memory. Dr. Beautiful ( I will refer to him as that in this blog) really did have good advice. I need to cry, I need to let it out. Nothing wrong with crying over this but follow it with memories of mom. I have countless ones to chose from.

Just not ready......

2009-05-27T17:49:00.000-07:00

Before you read this blog...if you are a family member I am sorry for my honesty in this one.

As you all know mom started chemo today. She did great!! She got all snuggled and comfy with warm blankets, good magazines, and even ordered lunch (after I told she did not have a choice). At one point she made the comment it was like a spa day. Warm blankets, hand massage, someone offering drinks and snacks every ten minutes.

I waited till 12:55 before leaving her. I work just one floor up and while I knew I was just five minutes away if she needed me, it killed me. My dad showed up right before I went to work. I already knew he could not sit still for three more hours but I crossed my fingers. Kiss mom on her forehead and off I go to work.

Now, I work in MRI. Code to get in our area but our main doors have windows so just by chance if you are watching you can see who is in hall. 1:30.... I see a figure walk by the doors about five times, I already knew!! I watch and boom there is Roger. Oh my dad... looking like a little kid walking back and forth in front of door peeking in. He sees me and just waves. My co-workers all know whats going on so no big deal. I walk out to see him. Now before I tell you the conversation let me go back before I left mom. I look at dad and say
"Pop, she will still get radiation today after chemo"
"Ok Carrie"
I thought he understood... nope.

So back to my dad waving me down. I walk out... "Pop, something wrong"
"No"

"Pop, I am working, whats up"

"I just wanted to let you know that she is going to radiation after chemo today"

I bite down and count to ten because I know its hard for him and he is so overwhelmed. I just smile and say "Ok Pop, go back downstairs and I will call you after work. " Off he goes like a little child.

2:00... phone rings in MRI and I hear "Carrie there is someone waiting for you in the waiting room"
Ok I admit I grunted and thought Pop...grrrrrrrrrrr

So I walk out looking for Pop but find my moms Oncologist nurse. I adore this woman. She has been so wonderful to my mom. I can tell she is fond of her. I see her and lose my breath thinking what has happened. She just looks so damn sad. She begins to tell me about the talk she just had with mom and dad. Again, if you are reading this, it may be hard for some of you. But I am using this blog to vent, therapy tool, and I am sorry if I make anyone upset.
Kim(nurse) went on to tell me she is so concerned about what mom and dad both understand. She said my dad kept using the word remission and how much better mom was going to be.
I have had this concern for a couple of weeks. Dad does not understand or can not accept it. Mom ... I think mom is just shocked. Kim said "Carrie, I don't want to take away their hope but they don't understand".

I know this sounds like I have given up. That is not the case, I am praying for a miracle but I also know what is happening. Stage four, already has spread. I guess I just want my dad to be prepared but at the same time how does one prepare. The Dr's and nurses have both told me what to expect in terms of time. I am not going to write that here. I know what it is. I cant tell my parents and cant write it either. Need to stop writing for a few... promised myself no tears tonight.

Again, I have not told my parents about this blog and plan not to. Please respect that.

What to do for 5 hours??

2009-05-27T09:45:00.000-07:00

While it may not seem like a important update.... Mom and I are not able to look at perezhilton.com. Mo bap has the site blocked...grrrrrrr

On a side note, I have not told Mom or Dad about this blog. Not sure if I will or not. I have a feeling I may have some thoughts or feelings on here that I don't want them to read.

First chemo or not???

2009-05-27T08:55:00.000-07:00

So, here we are waiting. Picked mom up this morning to bring her for the first treatment. We had lab work done, short visit with her Dr. and then off to the treatment room. Now we are waiting. Mom was suppose to have a B12 shot week before as well as a med for 5 days. Waiting to hear if we can even start treatment today.

In the meantime, mom is all snuggled in her recliner while the sweetest volunteer gives her a hand massage. The volunteers here are great. There are three ladies that keep coming over to mom and talking to her.

Just got the nod from the nurse we can start today. I had hoped she would have started couple hours ago because I have to work at 1pm. Love that I just run upstairs for work.Mom will be here for 5 hours and I hate that I will not be by her side. So tempted to call my boss but since I am only working PRN right now, I know I need to go.

I can hear mom and the volunteer talking. Pretending I am typing away and not listening. Mom just told her walking in this room she realized what is really happening. Now there are three volunteers talking to her. Oh, trying so hard not to cry and act like I am not listening. This is so good for mom. Talking to others who have been there. Oh my... typical mom, she wants to know when she can volunteer. ha ha ha

The treatment room is really nice and bright. We are by the window that overlooks the healing garden. I will have to take a picture of it. Waterfall, pond, and the most beautiful flowers. Mom keeps asking if she can have her treatment outside.

Nurse is trying to find a good vein..good luck. Mom will have a port placed after today. She has no veins, I must have got that from her. hmmmm.... biting my tongue. I see a vein I would rather have the nurse go for, oh she better not dig to hit that vein. This is why sometimes I am not the best person to be here because I sure do get picky. Ok, all better, she got the vein. Treatment for 5 hours.

Ok... going to sit and make mom laugh now. We have good cheesy tabloids to read and then of course will pull up perezhilton.com

Hate that I will leave her in just a little over a hour.

Feeling guilty for feeling selfish

2009-05-26T17:11:00.000-07:00

I am feeling very selfish at the moment. Just walked in my front door and saw my cat Georgia going nuts at the patio door because of a bird on my balcony. I realized right then how much I love my place. I started to look around at this apartment I have called home for two years. I have made it my own. Much has happened here and many memories in these walls.

It has been decided that I am moving back home to help mom. Dad asked me, mom asked me, and the Dr. told me point blank I needed to move back home. I know it is for the best. This past weekend while she was in the hospital I would not leave her side. I trusted no one else to sit with her. She is my mom and no one else take care of her like me. Am I putting too much on myself for feeling that way? Yes, I know I am but she is my mom and would do the same for me.

I know she needs me home with her. I know dad needs me there as well. But, at this moment I hate to know I will be packing my home up and moving back in with my parents. I hate that my decorated dining room table will be put in storage. I hate that I will not have my beautiful balcony overlooking the courtyard. I hate that I am losing my home. How selfish of me. I feel awful for even thinking about it.

I have not lived home for few years now. Where will I put it all? How will I not go insane living under the same roof as my father (you all know I love that man but we drive each nuts) and what in the world are we going to do with my two cats and my parents two cats??? Its like a Osbourne reality show with cats instead of dogs and while dad is not nuts because drugs, man can he ramble about the stupidest things.

At the same time as I write this, I know in my heart I will sleep better knowing I am under the same roof as mom.

Mom's past hospital stay

2009-05-26T11:50:00.000-07:00

Another reason for this blog was so that family and friends would have another way to receive updates on mom.

I should have included her past hospital stay over the weekend in my last post. Dad and I both were very concerned about her last Friday. We both felt the moment the Dr. saw her, she would be admitted. We had a hard time getting her to the radiation appt. She was so very weak and sick. I had to put her in a wheelchair to get her out of the car.

The Dr. and nurse took one look at her and said right away that she would be admitted. I work at the hospital where mom is going for her treatments so I asked the nurse to have us put on a certain floor. We had a private room so I was able to stay there with her the whole time.
Friday night was rough but by Sunday she was doing better. We now have her on some new pain meds but still having pain. I think she is so scared to increase the dose or try a new med because she does not want the nausea to come back.

The Dr. left it up to my mom on Sunday if she would like to go home or stay another night... of course my mom wanted to go home.

She looked better yesterday, I am just hoping tomorrows chemo treatment does not make her sick all over again.

Why a blog??

2009-05-26T11:06:00.000-07:00

My amazing mom has been diagnosed with Stage 4 Lung Cancer that has spread to her spine. This has come as a shock to our family and to all who know and love my mom. If I was asked to describe my mom in one word, I think it would be Saint. What a truly amazing beautiful person she is. Of course being her daughter, I would say such but I can honestly and proudly say anyone who knows my mom instantly loves her and admires her inner beauty.

Easter morning my mom woke up feeling ill. This was followed by weeks of flu like symptoms. Mom went to get a chest x-ray to rule out pneumonia. While I know that chest x-ray was so important, I can't believe how it has changed our lives. My mom has never smoked nor has she ever lived with a smoker so to hear they found a spot on her lung just sounded crazy. Mom had a ct scan the next day, it was a Friday. Monday the Dr called and asked for my mom, dad, and myself to come in.

Everything was running in mind on the way to talk to the Dr. I kept telling myself it was a infection that no way could my mom have cancer. When the Dr. began to tell us what he suspected, my mom just quietly listened and said "Dr. there is nothing God would give me that I can't handle". I looked to my right to see how my dad was and he looked white and shocked.

That week brought us more test and more waiting. Following at pet scan, we discovered mom had another spot on her spine. Four scans, two biopsy's, and two long weeks of waiting and we now know my dear mom has cancer.

Mom has already had two radiation treatments and will continue to have them each day. She begins chemo tomorrow. Her cancer symptoms started two weeks ago with sharp on going pain in her back and chest. How quickly this came on is just shocking. I hate to see her pain. It breaks my heart.

Everyone keeps asking me what they can do? If I ever need to talk, I know I have amazing family and friends that I can call. I find when I leave mom I look at my phone and feel like I should call someone to cry to or yell at but just rarely do. My dear friend Sarah started a blog abut her little miracle, her beautiful daughter Claire. I saw how much it helped Sarah on those rough days and thought maybe it would help me.

So here I go in a attempt to write about my moms fight, my feelings, and whatever else may come with it.