Counting to ten does not work.......

I wish I was more like my mom where I could just count to ten and remain calm. Mom is home and sound asleep. She did get sick as soon as she walked in the door but I believe it was the car ride home that upset her. Hopefully by tomorrow morning she will feel a change with her back pain.

As far as trying to be more like mom and simply count to ten......it does not work when it comes to my Pop. It has now hit the point where we glare at each other and unless mom is in the room with us we try to stay away from each other. I know he is hurting as much as me, I know he is just as stressed as me if not more but we just can not get along. I was worried this would happen when I moved back home. Pop and I built up our father/daughter relationship while I was living in Dallas. Those extra miles away from each other made us close and work on things. We still did great when I moved back to St. Louis but now that we are under the same roof we are back to bickering and being so hateful to each other.

I am trying my best to bite my tongue. I almost exploded at him today. I was home when they got back from hospital. I was going to spend the afternoon cleaning and trying to throw away things that are not needed. My parents can be secret pack rats and it drives me nuts. They walk in and I see right away mom is going to be sick. I grab a bucket just in time and ask Pop to go get two cold washcloths. So he brings back one......OK I count to ten and say "Need one more please" I try to say please more and more with him so he does not accuse me of being bossy.
So here we are.... mom getting sick in a bucket. I am holding her up and wiping her neck. I hear my phone start ringing. Here comes Pop with my phone "Carrie your phone is ringing"
You have got to be kidding me. I know I gave him a awful look. I know I said something along the lines of "Are you a idiot". I mean really... Hey mom can you stop throwing up so I can answer this non-important phone call. Oh but wait there is more.... so mom is still throwing up and Pop sees the flowers that were delivered today and decides to bring the huge basket pf flowers and starts saying sweetie look at the flowers. Maybe I am crazy but if I was bending over in the middle of the kitchen throwing up in a bucket and had someone standing behind me trying to make look at flowers.... well I would probably turn around and puke all over their feet. So I look at Pop and say "Really? Pop come on, not right now" Oh well that made him explode at me. Do you see where I am going with this, Pop and I have turned our paths into a war zone.

On a lighter note, Pop is going to a support group tonight which I have been encouraging for the last few weeks. I know he needs to talk and hear other stories because he just is still so overwhelmed by it all. While I may write about him and his ways that drive me nuts, bottom line is I love my Pop so hope this group does help him.

We go back tomorrow to see the Dr. I go back to work Thursday. Part of me cant wait. I miss my co-workers and getting my mind off what is going on here at home. I will be working two days a week for this month. My boss and I had a long talk about it and she felt I needed to work during this to simply have a couple of days to escape and forget. She is right. While it is going to break my co-workers hearts, I have been looking at another school and does not have to do with MRI. I am looking at radiation therapy school. I know when all this is over I am going to fight this cancer bitch somehow. While I love the ER and love MRI, I have found I want to work against the cancer bitch.

Acosta and Tacos

We drove out to mom's office this morning. She wanted to go in and see everyone but at the same time find out where she stands with her job. Oh she was beaming when she walked in. Hugs all around. Love watching her smile and give hugs. How many people just love my mom...

She got a little teary-eyed while talking with her boss. He calls her Bernie and made it clear no one else would be sitting at her desk. I have gotten to know some of her co-workers and talked to a few about what is really going on. You know my mom, she maybe did not tell them everything.

While we were there, someone brought up the fact that it was dollar taco day at El Maguey. As soon as we get in car, mom announces she wants to go. She had one taco but she got sick when we got home.

I am starting to really notice her eyes and trouble with completing words and thoughts. I do not like her eyes today. Something seems off. Her trouble completing thoughts has been going on the last few days but definitely increased today. I tried to get Pops opinion but it made him too upset to talk about it. Tomorrow I am going to suggest another MRI of the brain. I know it was just last week but we know this cancer bitch likes to move fast.

Pop and I are really struggling last few days. We have got to the point of not really speaking to each other unless its about mom. Living together I knew would be hard and we both are just stressed out, so I know it will pass.

Mom has been talking about the party more and more. Part of me worries about the date. Mom wants that day though because she likes Andres. Plus I think she knows if we were to move it up, it was for a reason and none of us wants to admit what that reason would be.

Over the weekend mom had some great visits and the fridge is full. Tara and Janie brought roast that mom loved. Janie brought her famous homemade apple pie which speaks to me every time I walk in the kitchen. Judy and Kay brought all kinds of goodies. Judy's pasta was a big hit with mom. She slept in her new polka dot pjs that she loves..thanks Judy and Kay!
Yesterday she did not want visitors which tells me she was having a bad day. She usually never turns away visitors.

Next week my Aunt Thelma, Aunt Melba, and my cousin Kathy are flying in from Georgia. I cant wait. I so need them here. I know mom needs them here. I just cant wait to be able to lay my head on their shoulder and cry. They will just make everything feel OK. They always do. I always ran to Georgia when I needed to get away.

August 23!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

We are having the party on Sunday August 23 from 1-8pm. Andres South gave us a great deal. 1-6pm drinks will include soda, beer, and wine. 1:30-4:30 will be assortment of food. It was hard to find a place for a Saturday night but I think this time will work better for mom.

Invites soon. Will also post it on here. Let me know now if you are planning on coming now so I can get a head count!!!!!

Mom is very excited!!!

One Day at a Time

I know we need to take all this one day at a time. Yesterday was a crazy day, we heard awful news but at the same time, Mom was having such a good day. How exciting it was to sit at a restaurant and have a meal with her. How wonderful it was to see her get a haircut and laugh. It was a all around great day even hearing that bad news.

Today, I focused on the good day we had, unpacking the basement, and thinking of ideas for the party. She was sick today and mostly slept. It is so hard that each day we just never know what to expect. I hate that.

Mom will undergo a small out patient procedure on Tuesday to correct her collapsed T6. Her pain should improve greatly.

Not much more to write tonight. Thank you to all who have called and emailed me with offers of help for the party. It is going to be a great time!!!

We Are Having A PARTY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So, we are planning a party... big party... huge party... PARTY of the YEAR for my Mom!!!!!!

Visit today was not news we wanted to hear but one day at a time. The stupid cancer bitch has spread. It has made its way to her liver. T6 has collapsed. ughhhhhhh more news but the news here is we are going to celebrate my mom and have a huge party for her.

She had a great day today. The steroids have given her so more energy. Get ready for this news.... we ate out after the hospital!!!!!!! Mom got out!!! woooo-hhoooooo!!!! She wanted to go to the Elephant Bar and ordered a pasta dish that she ate more than half... more woooo-hoooo. Mom and I went and waited for Pop to meet us. Mom looked at me and said she wanted to plan a party. I said sure. She said not at the house an not where we had my 30th because it would be too small. I was thinking "hell yea"
Then her cute as a button butt said "Carrie, we need to get those big cooler of beer things"
"Uhhh,, mom do you mean a keg"
She smiled, "Yes, that's it, how many? Are you thinking 5"

Oh my... I ask how many people is she thinking. Without hesitating she said 300-350. She said everyone is invited.
ha ha ha... she always added we would not have subway crap sandwiches, we would have really good food. Cracking me up!!! I have already called Tara to help me plan. She would have been the first person I called but before I could tell mom, she said right away "Call Tara Rose for help" ha.

So everyone will be invited and I mean everyone!!! My mom wants a huge party and I am going to make sure she gets it. If you have a connection to a banquet hall, DJ, or catering company please let me know!!!!! Any help would be great.

Again everyone is invited. Tara will be making a special invite that mom has requested but I will post it on here as well when the date is set. We are thinking middle August.
Lets throw her the biggest party ever and show her how much we all love her!!!!!!!

Mom is in a good mood with high spirits. What a strong person she is. I have been smiling and laughing with her all afternoon and plan to do that each day. No more tears, saving those for car drives alone, showers, and late nights. But from now on... smiles and laughter with my beautiful mom.

Ellen came over tonight and cut her hair. She looks great!!!!! Thank you Ellen... love you dearly sweets!!!!!! Ellen and I had mom laughing the whole time.

So again.... get ready for a party and any help would be great. Keep those prayers going!!!!

Watermelon and 110

There have been so many times since last Thursday that I have started a new entry and could not find the words to finish a sentence. Mom has been home since last Thursday. She is so relieved to be here and so much more comfortable to be in her own home.

I do not want her anywhere else but here as well but its a struggle. She sleeps probably about 18-21 hours a day. She is so weak and so very frail. It kills me to watch her walk down the hallway because I know it wears her out. We are having a hard time in the food department. Right now it is so important to make sure she eats....its a hard task. She has lost her taste for sweets. Food must be soft right now. Nothing seems to taste good to her and not make her feel nausea. On Father's Day, my dad went to my cousin Davids and he brought home food for us. Mom truly ate that day. She had tenderloin, baked beans, and watermelon. The watermelon was a hit. She was still eating watermelon last night.

Her pain is getting worse. That is one of the hardest to watch. I hate it. I hate knowing she is pain and nothing I can do to take it away. I am not as bothered by her sleeping like my dad. He hates that she sleeps so much. He just wants her awake and walking, of course I want that but I know between her body and the meds, she is going to sleep.

Friday evening my cousin Robin, Dana, Kristin, and my Uncle Earl came to see her. She did well. She enjoys visits. Uncle Jimmy has brought his homemade potato soup. Sunday, my Aunt Diana, cousin Steve and Stevie came. At one point they said they were going to leave so she could rest and she said no. Visits are good for her because well, my mom loves everyone but it keeps her up. Last night cousins Denny and Jenny brought over Sybergs pasta. Mom had not tried pasta yet and it seemed to work.

I am still just in shock that on Easter Sunday my mom woke up with pink eye and we went to this. How did it happen like this? I hate how frail she is. I hate that she looks sick. Last few days have been hard between Pop and I. Getting tense and I am trying hard to not let that happen. He is getting angry because he feels I am hiding things I know from him. I am not hiding.. I truly am protecting him. Pop is in denial and just cant yet accept what is happening. My mom asked me to talk Sunday with her. She is worried about Pop and how he is going to handle what is coming. She also told me she is at peace with it. I did not know she was ready to have this conversation... I was not.

Today she woke up and weighed herself. She had dropped to 110. She felt extremely weak so we called Kim (angel on earth who works as a nurse) to ask if we could come in and get fluids. After talking to Kim, it was decided we would also perform a ct scan today. After the Dr. saw her it was decided we would set up a MRI of brain tomorrow.

Mom has decided to stop chemo. I am ok with that. We will find out results of the scan tomorrow and hopefully hear it has not spread.

Feels like months have passed since we brought mom home just last Thursday. Cancer is a bitch....it has just taken her too fast.

So, this is why I have not written last few days. I feel I have no good news to share except she really ate watermelon.

Side note for those who know about Uncle Bruce... I did admit him to a long term care facility and hate it. Hate it. In my opinion it is a temporary solution and he will be with me soon. My dear cousin David went with me yesterday to his home. It was trashed. Horrible. David told me to take the pictures I wanted and I would never come back. Home is going in foreclosure which is the best. I have him unlisted in the facility so those people cant find him. I am trying my best to make sure he is ok but I did not go see him yesterday or today. I am trying my best to make sure that does not happen again. I do not want two days to go by that I do not see him. I promised my mom he will be taken care of and I will fulfil that promise.

very quick

Taking my mom in for fluids. She is down to 110 piunds and just too weak. Talked to the nurse and it was decided to also do a ct scan as well. Chemo is more than likely not going to continue.
Running out the door but have been getting emails, texts, and calls to check on her and just cant answer them all right now. Will write when we get home with more details.