I hate you Cancer

For those family members and close friends that have expressed they have a hard time reading about bad days, stop now and do not continue. This is a tough one guys.

Hospice nurse came. She was wonderful and I liked her right away. Mom heard the doorbell so I went to check on her and of course she wanted to come and go over the initial paperwork. She had been up earlier today when her good friend Dana stopped by. Dana brought homemade chicken soup for Mom, pulled pork for Pop and a gift card for me to go get a pedicure. She is just AWESOME!! I did not like the way Mom looked while Dana was here and had a bad feeling. Mom ended up getting quite sick. She had been asleep since until the nurse arrived.

We begin by going over Mom's health history... very short. She has always been so healthy, it was obvious the nurse was in shock of how healthy Mom was before all this. About five minutes in the conversation, I notice Mom is just not looking right. I stop and ask if she wants to go back to bed. Right away I heard her soft yes and I begin to help her up. She turns to the nurse and says in her little soft voice "It was nice to meet you, I hope to see you again" Never forgets her manners, my mom. I tuck her in and come back to finish the paperwork with nurse and Pop. I knew Pop was breaking, he was flustered and then she asked the question. Was Mom a DNR. Shit. Shit Shit. I know she has to know and I understand that. I glance to Pop and ask if I can go get the document, he broke. Oh did he break. He got up and went in his office. I apologized to this sweet nurse and she just patted my hand and told me it was ok. She then asked if I worked in the health care field, I said yes. She asked if I was a RN and I told her the brief story of starting an then switching to radiology and now I am confused. She grabbed my hand and said "Honey, you need to be a nurse. You are one, you need to go back"
Like I said, I liked her from the start.
Pop finally came back and he did bring the DNR paperwork. By that time, Caroline (nurse) and I were already discussing the hospital bed. Pop broke again, I explained that we could put a bed right next to it and he could still sleep by her. He looked at Caroline like a little boy and said "is that ok"
Oh man this was tough. Caroline was wonderful though and really talked to Pop. I found that I did not cry once. Not once. I sat there and reviewed everything, went over the meds, went over what pain meds worked and which made her ill. Then we began to talk about when and if Mom started to refuse meds or food. Caroline told us it is normal, that is usually the next step and we just need to make her comfortable and not push anything on her. I did not even have to look, I already knew Pop was crying once again.

Caroline asked to go in and see mom. Mom barely woke while she listened to her lungs. She turned and asked me if I had listened lately. I told her I pulled out my stethoscope 2 weeks ago and put it right back in the drawer after listening. She smiled sweetly and I knew she understood. She held Moms hand and told her to sleep and she would be praying for her. I wish she would be Moms nurse but she is the intake nurse.

She hugged us goodbye and then Pop asked. I was hoping he would not with all his crying already. I will not go into details to spare some tears I am already causing but her answer was if anyone wants to see Mom, they should do so now.

After she left, I told Pop to go see Uncle Jimmy or get ice cream. He would not leave. I laid down on the couch and watched Hells Kitchen on the computer with my phone on my chest just staring. Fadler had called earlier and told me he would call first before coming. He said he would be here before 6 and when the clock read 5:15, I wanted to cry thinking he is not coming. 2 minutes later, the doorbell rings and I have never jumped off the couch so fast. There is Fadler with a big bag of veggies from his garden and that sneaky smirk. He looked at Pop and I and just knew. "What are you two doing, whats for dinner.. Roger, you did not make this little shit cook"
I love how one person can make this house feel home again. I tell Fadler its better he just go in and see Mom while she is in bed and walk back with him. He walks in and her eyes start to open, that twinkle came back the minute she saw him. Man she has a soft spot for Fadler. I hear that boom voice "Hey Mom" and he leans right over to hug her. I left the room to give them some time alone. He stayed in there for about 15 minutes with her. I peeked in at one point and he had the chair right beside the bed just talking away.

I am not going to write if I have ever seen Fadler cry before. He would kill me. But it broke my heart when he came walking down the hall. Pop and I both were sitting in the kitchen. He walked over, flipped my hair around and had a seat. We began talking about Rugby. He is playing, Pop and I get a kick out of hearing Fadler's stories. This was more about the injuries he has caused.. to others of course.

I walked him out to the truck and then the tears came. I just started crying. I would not let go and just kept asking when are you coming back. He hugged me tight and said "Mom told me to take care of you" Oh like that was going to make me stop crying. He will be back Monday ...with good stories for Pop and I being that he has a rugby tournament this weekend.

After Fadler left, I once again tried to get Pop to go do something. He left a bit ago, would only say he needed to be alone and wanted to go for a drive.

This was a very hard day. Very hard on Pop. Mom continues to sleep. Pop is out driving. I am wishing my brother was still here or my cousin Jim or Scottie or Uncle Jimmy or cousin David... I need those big strong men in my life with those great hugs. I hate you cancer.. I really hate you.

One day at a time.........

First visit down now just wait till the Second which is also today!

Well, we just had our first official home visit from Hospice. The social worker came in and after talking to us called the nursing supervisor to have a nurse sent out today! Today! I know its the right decision and Pop agrees.

Mom was already standing up before the social worker was even out the door because she wanted to go back to bed. She did not say much, Pop got a little flustered and teary -eyed. Maybe it was Fadler calling me last night, I could still hear his voice and words but I sat there and answered all the questions without hesitation or tears.

So, now we wait till the nurse calls. She will most likely be here between 4-6pm. We decided not to take mom in for fluids today. Dr. felt it was not making that much of a difference and I agree. I think it wore her out more than helping her. I have a feeling the hospice nurse will give us some other options.

Mom's good friend Dana is bringing over some food today. Her son Greg is Mom's Godson and always makes her smile. He just has the sweetest way with her. Mom got very tickled when I told her Fadler would stop by today. It was nice to see her smile about having visitors.

One day at a time...............

My Big Brother

Maybe I have vented a little too much on this blog. Many are beginning to become distant from me and upset with some things I have wrote. I can say I never meant to hurt anyone but at the same time I am being very honest with my feelings.

Earlier tonight I found myself upstairs alone. Mom went to bed at 7pm. Pop followed her shortly there after. Did a load of laundry and found myself flipping channels. Of course sitting there alone my thoughts go to tomorrow morning and the fact that hospice will be here. My phone rang a few times and believe it or not I answered. Each person asked if they had woke me up. I guess they could not tell that I was awake and I was just little teary eyed and trying not to let on. Then my phone rings and I see its my big brother. I hear that loud voice and it takes Fadler a second to know I am crying. "Quit, talk to me, hows mom" Fadler always knows, he has always been one that I could never fool even with my best acting skills. This guy truly is like family to us. He came into our lives through my cousin and over the years he became family. When I was little( 16-24 ha) I just thought Fadler was the shit. Ehh, I still do. My mom grew attached to him and basically it was decided he was her "adopted son" He has called her mom over the years and loves her just as much.

Throughout our friendship, he has always been one constant figure in my life that tells me how it is and I listen. I always listen to peoples advice but when it comes to Fadler, he has a way that I do what he says and most of the time will not question it. He is always looking out for us. Mom really misses when he lived 5 minutes away because he was here weekly cutting the grass, helping dad move something, or just meeting my parents out for dinner. She spoiled him at macys more than me half the time.

He got right to the point tonight. Stop crying, get off the couch, and do something. He then said something that surprised me " Stop being mad at God, Mom would be so mad at you for that" I stuttered a bit and he said" I know you, I know you are mad, you need to stop that bullshit right now. Its not God that did this"

He gave me a good talking to and some things that others might be scared to say. I listened and found myself sitting up straighter and tears drying up. I feel my strength coming back and its because of his words. Plus I cant really say no to a 6'3 former marine, I mean look at the guy, would you say no... ha.

He is coming tomorrow to see our mom and bring her some veggies from his garden. I know I better be bright eyed and in a good mood when he gets here. He will make sure of that. I will say that God has blessed my parents and I with some pretty incredible people. Mom always wanted many children and I never wanted to be a only child. But I am not a only child and mom has three daughters and one son... I have the two best sisters in the world Tara and Anne and a big brother that will always tell me how it is.

One day at a time.........

Lingo

Mom and I are sitting here watching Lingo. She is in her recliner covered in blankets and a heating pad and I am wishing I had a fan right in front of me. We basically have the heat on in the house because she is so cold. I did not go to work today, just could not leave her. Normally, I do not mind going to work and do not go through the struggle of making my way out the door like I do for everything else.

Pop and I went to pick her up from the Dr office today where she has been getting her daily fluids. Her blood pressure was 64/42 when she arrived at the office. When Pop told me that, I called work and said I would be there Thursday. We have been back home for almost a hour now but happy she wanted to sit in the recliner rather than go to bed.

Hospice will be here at 9am tomorrow. Not sure how I feel about it. I know it will be great relief for her and a huge help but also know what it means.

Last four days have been rough in so many ways. Pop is starting to show his crying side again. He continues to walk up to me and ask what else we can do? Why is this happening? Why does she sleep so much? I am once again tearful and frustrated. Apparently a memo went out for everyone who has something to say to me to make me cry just a little bit more to send it via voicemail, text, and email the last three days. I will only write very little about this.... if you feel I am keeping you from my mom, grow some balls and come visit. I have never said no one is allowed here. If you have called and asked and my Pop or I said it was a bad day, its because it was a bad day. This does not mean we are keeping you from seeing her. If you feel I am writing negative things about you and only you on my blog, well I guess you are paranoid and feel guilt about something. Yes I do bitch on this blog but like I said from the beginning, its my form of getting it all out. If you feel you just don't know me anymore and never did, well I guess your right. The fact that maybe I have turned to some and not others, please just let me turn to those I feel comfortable with at this time. No, it does not mean I don't love you. If you are upset that I don't answer the phone and maybe feel as though I am being selfish, I am truly sorry. I am not trying to hurt anyone through all this. Right now I am just trying to get through each day and be there for my Mom and Pop.

I will write a update tomorrow after Hospice leaves.

One day at a time.............

Hot Banana Peppers

Mom has been eating more the last three days. On Thursday she had a steak burger from Steak-n-Shake and ate half. That was a lot for her and compared to what she had been eating. Last night after naming on about ten things I could cook she agreed to a grilled cheese. She ate half and quite a bit of HOT Banana Peppers. I had some with her and while the tears are streaming down my face she asks in her little voice "Are they too hot for you"

She already ate today, it was only half of a chicken sandwich but at least it was something. Been asleep in her chair ever since. Pop is really starting to have a hard time with her sleeping. He hates it. I do wish she was awake but at the same time while she is asleep, I know she is pain free.

I had my own Dr appt earlier this week. Not going to tell Mom about it. Not sure when I will tell Pop, I think it would be too upsetting for him. I knew the day after that my blood work was ugly. Dr. told me immediately she was going in some meds for me and that she had already put a call in for the specialist at Barnes. She just called me awhile ago. She hoped if she called me on a Saturday I would answer. (See people, I am bad at answering for just about everyone) Specialist wants me back at Barnes and repeat the surgery. It is my choice. I did see results after the last surgery but also know the risks and knew that since my case was "special" I may need a repeat. Went back and forth with my Dr about it. I finally said I would think about it and she snapped back "I know what that means" ha. She does know me pretty well. I know its going to get worse and my pain is coming back. I know what all that means. No way can I have this surgery right now, I would be in the hospital at least 3 days and afterwards I would be weak and not able to help mom. The stairs alone would kill me. Plus not to mention what would happen with work. Dr is not very happy with my decision but she also knows when I have my mind made up there is no changing it. I have agreed to come in once a week for blood work. I now have to keep my own pain level chart to show her. ughhhhhh.. Not going to tell Pop yet. This would just push him over the edge.

Pop and I are cleaning house today. He offered to go to the grocery store, I need to write the list in order of the isles at the store. I should just go myself but I think he wants to go. Last time he went, I bite my tongue while putting away the groceries. He did buy everything on the list but everything he brought was the grocery store own line. Even the spaghetti sauce. oh Pop.

One day at a time....

Driving miles to see Mom

Mom has been going back each day to the Dr's office for fluids. Her blood pressure was extremely low. Yesterday it was still around 71/48. Not good at all. We had her stop one of her meds and today it was around 109/72. Huge difference and a very good one. Uncle Jimmy was here yesterday while I went to work, he spent some time with Pop and went to pick mom up from from the Dr's office. He surprised us today (well surprised me and mom) and came over with Captain Jack!!!!!

So many ask if Uncle Jimmy is moms brother. We really know how to confuse people. Uncle Jimmy is actually my first cousin. He is mom's nephew. I began calling him Uncle Jimmy when I was little bc I would hear his sons call my mom Aunt so it just kinda happened and I have called him Uncle ever since. Captain Jack is Uncle Jimmy's brother. We call him Captain Jack bc of his rank in the Marines. So, that should explain to y'all who were confused.

So, Captain Jack drove all the way here to see mom. He left yesterday and stopped in Tenn and arrived in St. Louis late morning. He is driving back home tomorrow morning. Lots of miles to see his Aunt Bernice but it means so much. He and Uncle Jimmy did not stay long, they could tell she was tired but it meant so much for her to be able to hug Jack. I love when Uncle Jimmy is here, he makes me laugh and the house feels like a home again. Its amazing what one person can bring to a house, Uncle Jimmy, Captain Jack, Aunt Thelma, Jim, Kathy Lynn, Aunt Melba... they all have this way to make you feel loved and make this house feel alive again.

I think I might be out of my angry mood today. Last night I went to Tammi's for our Thursday night of wine and watching housewives. I have stuck with it and go each Thursday. I love it. Tammi's family went to grade school/church with mine. She is just a couple years older but she was one of the girls that I always thought was so cool. Has a great family and my parents always loved her parents. Lost touch over the years but like facebook has done for so many, we found each other. Tammi's family came to moms party and Mom was tickled to see them. Tammi told me that day that I should come out and spend some time with her. I did and now she is stuck with me every Thursday. My mom told her something at the party and she is keeping her promise to my mom. She has been a blessing. Anyway, had some laughs and too much wine last night but I did get out of my angry mood... at least for now.

I just might run down to Uncle Jimmy's tonight to hang out and get some good hugs.

One day at a time........

Pasta and Pinecones

My dear Sarah and her little princess Claire just left. Claire is 15 months and was a delight tonight. Sarah called and asked if she could bring Pop and I dinner, she was hoping Mom would also take a few bites. Claire came with her and was hysterical. She was so tickled to see the cats. Making so many giggles and shrieks of excitement. I picked her up to take her in to see mom but mom was in the bathroom. I knew right then Mom heard those cute noises and she was going to come in the living room. Claire and I came back out and are playing in the floor when here comes Mom. She look tired but her eyes were sparkling away to see little Claire walking, shrieking, giggling and being all around damn cute. She walked over to the fireplace and picked up a pine cone Mom has in this basket. She hands the pine cone to me and I say "Pine cone" I think we all almost fell over when Claire says right back "Pine cone" Claire said pine cone!!!!! Sarah was dying.

Claire could not get enough of the cats and simply loved my big fat cat Savannah. I am so kicking myself that I did not have my camera and I am sure Sarah is as well. Here is Claire kissing Savannah and then trying to sit on top of her and ride her. It was hysterical. Savannah just laid there like the sweet cat she is. Mom loved it! Claire made my mom smile more tonight than I have seen in weeks. She told us how much she loved waking to Claire's little voice. She is still up in the living room with us and now watching the Cards game.

I knew my entry yesterday would cause a stir. So I received quite a bit of emails about it. Let me say again, I realize that when some of you call my Pop tells you she does not feel up for visitors. I am talking to those who don't even call, to those that were suddenly here when all this started and have not heard from them in weeks. I am talking to those I feel could be calling to not only check on her but also check on my Pop. Tonight is a perfect example. Sarah calls and says I have dinner for you and your dad, its already packed up and I am on my way. She was thinking of Pop and I and it was so thoughtful. She was not here to see mom but was so glad she got to. Mom got up on her own, she heard Claire and wanted to see her. But like I said yesterday, I have amazing friends.

I should not have to name every single person that calls here. If you were hurt because I did not include your name in my entry yesterday, I am sorry. But give me a break people. You all have to realize I have so many emotions right now. I am hurt, pissed, sad, confused, the list could go on and on. My focus right now is my Mom and Pop. This blog is to give you updates on mom but also a way for me to get things out. If you do not like what you read then simply do not read it anymore.

I am going to sit down and enjoy some pasta with my Pop now. Thank you Sarah!!!! And a BIG THANKS to little sweet Claire for making laughter fill this house again.

One day at a time.............................