Pop's Birthday!!!!

I had meant to write about Dads upcoming birthday in my earlier post but vented a little and forgot to. Maybe better that my dear Pop gets his own special post.

Pop is turning 70 on Wednesday!!! 70!!! My mom had told me in January she wanted to throw him a big party to celebrate and so sad she is not able to still do that for him. Mom usually only asks what day of the week it is so she had no idea his birthday is Wednesday. I think it would hurt her terribly to know.

I have asked Pop if he would like me to set up a dinner party for him out some where and invite whoever he wished. He said no, he wanted to be home with Mom and I. I asked him if he wanted a special meal that I could cook or carry out from somewhere. So far he keeps saying he has no idea.

Kathy Lynn and Michelle put a birthday card on his desk before they left and when he found it, he loved it. I am asking everyone to send him a card, call him, ask to take him out for birthday dessert.. whatever you can think of. Turning 70 is huge foe him and I am so sorry I was not able to have a big party for him.

With everything going on with my Mom, I have a feeling some may have forgotten about his special day so please keep in mind it is Wednesday. It is his special day and I do want him to smile and enjoy it.

Dana, my moms dear friend and a wonderful person was here today. She has been amazing to us. She surprised my Pop with a plane ticket today. He can fly anywhere in the US. He was so touched by this gracious and generous gift. he is going to use it to fly to Canada to see one of his best friends. It was not for his birthday, it was just because. My Pop is going to need many of those just because gifts. Gifts meaning.. a phone call, a offer of lunch, a offer to go see a game, anything. But I am asking everyone to please help me give him many reasons to smile on Wednesday and enjoy turning 70.

One hour at a time.....

Could sleep for Days..........

Only yesterday I had Kathy Lynn and Michelle here. We had a houseful in the morning. By late afternoon Pop had taken Kathy and Michelle to the airport and I was in a quiet empty house. It is easy to not focus on what is happening here when we have a houseful of loved ones. Uncle Jimmy and "the crew" put in a new garage door opener for Pop and trimmed the lawn. Kevin and Toni stopped by with a box of doughnuts. Tara came with Aiden and Ava along with food for Pop and I. She brought a key lime pie that is to die for. The morning was good and I enjoyed having everyone here. But as soon as they had left and Pop drove off with Kathy and Michelle, the waterworks started and I went to take a nap as soon as Pop got home. I have been sad ever since.

Mom had a rough night. She is hallucinating more and more. Last night I heard her three different times talking to someone. Once she thought she was talking to Connie at Acosta about a promotion file. I promised her Connie already had it and she did not need to worry about work. She was very concerned about it and insisted she needed to get to work. I told her she did not need to go to work today. She softly said thank you and fell back asleep. Another time I walked in and she was talking to American Express about her credit card. She thought she was on the phone with them. I told her Pop had taken care of it and she then turned her head and continued talking to them and let them know Pop had taken care of the bill. So hard to watch her go through this. Around 3am she called out my name and I ran in. She had to use the bathroom. Pop now sleeps with his door closed and mom wanted to get up right then. No time to get Pop to help me and I thought I could handle it. Hardest time we had. She was completely putting all weight on me. I kept yelling for Pop but he could not hear me. Finally get her back in bed and she starts throwing up, I am really yelling for Pop at this point. I finally get her back in bed and open Pops door telling him I need help. He got wet washcloths while I got her medicine. He has promised not to close his door tonight.

I fell asleep on the couch for a couple of hours around 6am. I went to my room around 11am to take a nap. Pop woke me at 2pm. Dana and Gregory were here keeping mom company. Dana has been so sweet to us.

I have decided to not work Thursday this week. I just cant seem to leave this house. Moms toes are turning purple. Her hands and feet are so cold. I do still believe she is sleeping pain free. That is so important to me. It is hard enough to watch what is happening but if I knew she was in pain it would be too much.

Aunt Thelma will be here Wednesday or Thursday. Thank Goodness!!

I have gone back and forth about writing today. I started this blog as a way to let family and friends know updates as well as a way for me to cope. The blog has helped me, I do find I write often and especially when I am struggling. However, the blog has caused a few problems as well. While it is not a problem, someone told my Pop about the blog. I have stated from the beginning I wished for him not to know about it. I have vented about him on here and never would want him to think I was disappointed or upset with him. He does not completely understand what the blog is so at least whoever told him did not tell him how to access it. I do not know who told him but wish it would not have come up. This blog has also caused people to question who I am as a person as well as how I feel about people. Right to the point, some feel I am coming off as a bitch. I should not have to defend myself or my actions but while I try to act as though I do not worry about what others think, it does bother me. I have said from the beginning that no one should judge me or have their feelings hurt by who I have been depending on through this. It does not mean I do not like or love you, I just have those that I have always been close to and should not surprise anyone that those are who I go to. If anything you should just be happy that I do have those who are my rocks and give me strength along with laughter. I am not ready to stop writing this blog but I am coming to close.

One hour at a time......

Gooney and Burke along with a turtle

We had a nice night on Friday. Anne, Greg, Pop, Scottie, Kathy Lynn, Michelle, and I watched the Cardinal game. Everyone went home after the game. Kathy Lynn, Michelle, and I sat outside the rest of the evening and talked. We had the raccoons come visit a few times. Finally we went to bed ta 3am. We did not mean to stay up so late but it seems Kathy Lynn and I always do so.



Kathy Lynn woke up early on Saturday and I did not hear her get up. I finally slept deep which I knew I would with her here. I felt someone lay beside with me and rolled over and found Uncle Jimmy just laying there. I smiled and hugged him. He said "Hey sleepy" Then said" I just don't know what we are going to do" Kissed my forehead and told me to get a little more sleep. Kathy Lynn came down a bit later to wake me.

We had a full day. Pastor Ryan came over and Mom had her communion. She was not able to eat or drink but Pastor Ryan placed the wafer/wine on her lips. We had a emotional but much needed talk with Mom while Ryan was here. Pastor Ryan was incredible. His words and sweet nature were exactly what Pop, Mom, and I needed. Pastor Ryan told Mom about her very special place in Heaven. I finally told her what I knew I had to say but did not have strength to do until Ryan was here. I told her it was ok to go and I promised I would take care of Pop. She smiled softly and said "I know Sweetie'"

Day continued on and more visitors. My second Mom and Dad came by with a huge plate of lunch meat and bread. Kathy Lynn and Michelle were excited to meet Roger and Janie after spending time with Anne on Friday.

Last night my cousin Julie and Timmy came. I have found I am growing stronger as people come out of Moms room. I usually am waiting with tissues and hugs. Kathy Lynn and I had run to the store when they arrived but got back in time that I was here when Timmy left the room. This one broke my heart. Oh that face and he just laid his head on my shoulder with tears. I know he is not my little Timmy anymore but to me he is my little Timmy, sweet Timmy. We had a great dinner that luckily I was here to cook. Just ask Michelle or Kathy Lynn who did all the work this weekend :)

Michelle went to bed early and this morning is at church with Pop. Kathy Lynn and I stayed up late but up and ready for our breakfast. We sat outside last night and had 4 raccoons. We had another great talk which included human turtles and many laughs :) Love you Kathy Lynn

Michelle and Kathy leave today and I dread it. I know this house will feel empty soon but Kathy will be back. I have had many things to write about this busy weekend but have not had many chances to sit and write away.

The title is a special one for my Kathy Lynn....thank goodness I like her :) ha


One hour at a time.......

What a Full Morning

I finally went back to bed after 5am and was able to fall asleep. Anne did not even wake up as I curled myself up against her back. 8am and my phone begins to ring, at first I wanted to ignore it but saw it was my cousin Jim and that is one person I do not ignore. He told me he was on his way, to get up and he would stop and grab me coffee. I told Anne to stay in bed and sleep more. Came upstairs to start cleaning the kitchen while I wait for Jim and my mom's great friend Dana called and said she was on her way. Anne suddenly is in kitchen with offers to help clean. Jim comes and next thing I know Anne is polishing the furniture, Jim .... well Jim turned into Mr. Clean. He swept the front porch, cleaned the glass front door, swept out the garage, vacuumed downstairs, steam cleaned the carpets upstairs... I have the best friends and family.

Dana brought a beautiful picture her daughter painted for mom. A big sunshine with a happy face. She told Dana it was the happiest picture ever. Dana hung it on the wall mom is facing :)

Tara Rose came by on her lunch hour and mom was excited to see her. She had her three daughters in the room with her.

Her wonderful and dear friend Colleen was just here. She is also my adopted Grandma. I know it meant so much to Mom that she had so many wonderful visitors today and still more are coming!!!

Anne has spoiled me by blow drying my hair. I tell you, there is nothing more that can relax me like someone blow drying my hair. I love it. Whenever I was sick, my mom would always blow dry my hair. Maybe that's where it started.

Pop should be at the airport now to pick up Kathy Lynn and Michelle. I cant wait.

While it is a sad day, I am feeling strong. I have been surrounded all day by our wonderful family and friends. I know I am going to be okay. I know Pop is going to be okay. We are truly blessed with the best family and friends. Outpouring love has been in this house and it means so much to Pop and I.

One hour at a time....

Not Ready

4am and awake again. Anne is here sound asleep and I should be asleep next to her. My dear Anne came over to spend the night with us tonight. I went into work today as planned. Went in at 3pm and was walking to my car crying at 5pm. Kim (moms nurse) who came by to visit yesterday, came up to MRI to find me. We talked about 15 minutes and she told me what she saw yesterday with mom. I am not going to write too much detail here. I will say I worked about a half hour more after talking to her but completely broke down at work and came home. I needed to be here. I have already found someone to cover my shift on Tuesday. I will not leave this house for a couple of days.

I came home and talked to Pop about what Kim said. We decided to call some family and friends to come see Mom. I called Anne and she came right over to stay with us tonight. Anne and I gave Mom a bed bath followed by a leg massage with her favorite lotion.

Pop and I both needed Anne here tonight. She and I went to pick up dinner for us and she got Pop a bag of M&M's. Watched the Cards game from this afternoon together. Pop went on to bed and Anne and I snuggled under blankets to watch Project Runway. She made me laugh which I needed. I thought after the news today I would not laugh for a long time but Anne always can make me laugh.

Kathy Lynn will be here in about 10 hours. I know I should go back downstairs and try to sleep. I did fall asleep with Anne but only for two hours. I just stare at that monitor listening to Mom breathe.

News today was hard. I will say if you want to see Mom, you should come this weekend. I am not ready for what is coming. I will try to stay strong for my Pop because he will need me. I know I am surrounded by love from so many. We will find a way to get through this.

One hour at a time...........

Not a Grandma

I was sitting in the room with mom watching her sleep when the doorbell rang. I was very happy to find on our front porch Kim!!! Kim is our angel nurse. She grew very attached to mom and our family while Mom had treatment at MoBap. Mom adores her, my Pop loves her, and I just think she is the best nurse I know. She lives near us so has been over to see Mom. Minute I opened the door she asked what was wrong. Told her about the confusion and we went straight back to see her.

Pop came home while Kim was visiting and all of us were in Moms room. Wiggles once again would not leave Moms bed but was demanding attention from Kim. My cat Georgia came in the room and jumped on my lap. Kim made a comment about Georgia and I said something about Georgia and Savannah being Moms grand kitties. Mom started calling Georgia her grand kitty the first day I got her while living in Texas, Mom even mailed her a gift. For Christmas, Mom brought over presents for them. You get the idea. So Kim said to Mom, "you have two grand kitties"

Mom opened her eyes and looked so sad and spoke in this soft voice "No, no no I have no grand kids"
Tears are welling in my eyes and Kim tried to help by saying "Bernice you have Georgia and Savannah. Mom made a grunt laugh and said no. "I want grandchildren and she never gave me any"

I don't know what was said after that. I left the room and sat on the porch crying my eyes out. I hate this. I hate that there is still so much I want her to be a part of. I always knew she wanted to be a grandma. Anyone who knows her, knows that. She would be the best grandma. I just cant believe she said that. I know my Pop thinks its odd that I am 30 and not married. Seems all my friends are married with kids. I had my chance at a time but it was the wrong guy and the wrong time. Now I wonder if I made the right choice by walking away. At this point I could have made her a grandma. The shit that you begin to think about at a time like this.

Kim stayed around and talked to Pop and I awhile. Let Pop know the confusion would grow and the hallucinating would become worse. Not what you want to hear but I knew that.

Pop is already in bed and once again here I am. Monitor right in front of me and just listening to her sleep.

One day at a time....

Sleep at last...

I was able to sleep about 5 hours yesterday but woke up quite a bit. Thought I would be good to go for a couple of more days. Last night I found my eyes growing heavy around 4am but still made it. Was quite upset still about what Mom had said to me. Pop came in about 8am. Around 9:30 he told me to go downstairs and sleep. I told him to wake me up in two hours, I would be fine after two hours.

I woke up a half hour ago. Its 3pm!!!! Pop did not wake me, he said he walked down a few times and I was just sleeping too good. Guess I did need more than the 5 hours yesterday. While I was sleeping, we had visitors. Our great friend Dana came by. She spoiled me last week with a pedicure gift card (I need to go use that this week) and today a Starbucks card!!! Woo-hoo. Gave Dad a bread company gift card. She has always been so sweet to our family and we just love her. Mom and her grew close at Pillsbury and Mom is actually her sons Godmother. Uncle Jimmy came by, upset I missed him. I have been wanting a Uncle Jimmy hug for a few days now. The Chaplain came from Hospice and Pop said it was a nice talk.

Pop told me Mom was hallucinating quite a bit earlier today. I think that has him pretty upset. But it is so very hard to see. As soon as I woke up, Pop was basically out the door. He said he had errands to go run. I think he just does not want to be here anymore. I know its hard on him.

Wiggles is still on the bed with Mom. She will not leave. Usually each time you walk in Wiggles meows at you and watches every thing you do to Mom.

Friday will not be here soon enough. I cant for Kathy Lynn to be here!!

One day at a time.....