Going on a Month

This Thursday will be a month since mom passed. A month. At times it does seem it has been that long and then it seems it has been a day. I remember that night so well. I had just finished chatting online with a dear friend that always made me smile, went in her room to give her medicine. Walked in and knew right away she was going. I tried so hard not to cry as I held her hand and told her it was ok. I wanted her to hear my voice without tears. I don't know how long I sat there just holding her hand. I remember looking across the hall and staring at Pops door. I knew I somehow had to go open that door and tell him she was gone. Hardest thing I ever did.

Everyone keeps asking how we are doing. I never really know how to answer that. I usually smile softly and say we are making it. Truth is this house feels so empty. Its little things, its opening the fridge and not seeing it packed full bc Mom would buy everything. Last week my dear Tara had me in Disney World. I was very nervous to leave Pop. Tara felt it would do me good to get away and go to the happiest place on earth. I could not believe how much I missed my Pop while there. I must have called him 5 times a day. I found myself mostly spending my days alone and in the long run I think that was good. I went to Epcot, Magic Kingdom, and Hollywood Studios. Each time I would want to go back to the hotel and just sleep, I would feel a little push on my back. I knew it was Mom and I knew she was telling me to get out and have fun. I know if I would have been able to call her and tell her I was out alone I would hear her say I could never do that, I am so proud of you. I even had a sweet glass of wine at Epcot just for her. It was awful but she would have enjoyed it.

I go back to work tomorrow and while I know it will be good for me, I am dreading it. I am dreading having a patient from the cancer center come in for a scan. I don't know if I will be the same at work after this. Maybe in a way I will be better but maybe I will no longer be good at my job. I am not sure.

I really am not sure about anything anymore. I find myself wanting to spend most of my time with family. Pop and I spend time together like we never had before. My cousins David and Kevin have simply been wonderful.

I know Mom would want me to keep going and enjoy each day. I know she is right here with me but so hard not to hear her. So hard not to hug her. Pop is really struggling and I do worry about him with me going back to work. I really want to go back to working 12 hour nights but worry about what that will do to him. I would be gone evenings and sleep days. Not sure if that would be good for him. At the same time I can hear mom telling me to do it and do what I want. Not to sound selfish but I miss having my own place. No way I could leave Pop though. Maybe after first of the year I can decide.

Holidays are fast approaching. How will Pop and I celebrate this year?

I had thought I was done writing. Maybe just not yet. Maybe because I really don't like to talk about my feelings yet. Pop is attending grief meetings every Monday, I am just not ready to do that.

I miss her everyday. Well here goes the waterworks, time to stop for now.
I love you Mom