Dear Mom

Dear Mom,

Easter is this Sunday. It will mark one year that you woke up feeling ill. It will mark one year that we thought you might have pink eye. One year ago Mom, you woke up with pink eye and that began a course of events I never saw coming. Who would have thought that you would have pink eye and then a flu like bug which caused a chest x-ray that changed our lives forever.

You always loved every holiday so it would be hard for me to pick your favorite. I might go with Easter though. You always had this house decorated from top to bottom with your spring/Easter decor. You would just get tickled when your flowers began to bloom. You really loved this time of year. It is my first spring without you. I am dreading Sunday. Easter Sunday is to me the day that started all this. You had asked me to come over early that day before you went to church to see my Easter basket. You were all dressed up when I came in your new outfit. You stood by smiling and giggling as I looked at my basket. Cute flip flops, candle, two books, and a pair of high heels. The perfect Easter basket!! A couple pieces of chocolate were always thrown in that you would joke were for Pop. I knew you felt funny but you promised you were fine and I would see you at Uncle Jimmy's later that day. I left and went back home to get ready. When I walked in Uncle Jimmy's the first thing I heard was you were not coming. I called you right then and there. Easter was not the same without you. We had the big adult egg hunt. All of us still went crazy pushing each other trying to find the prize eggs but you were missing. You and the little dance you would do each time you found a egg. Your constant laugh during the egg hunt. The unspoken rule that the only person you don't push or steal a egg from is you. It was not the same but at that time I thought, she will be here next year. But you wont. I wont wake up and call you first thing. I wont come over to have breakfast and have this amazing Easter basket with ribbons all over it. I wont be here the day before and dye 6 dozen eggs with you. You wont do your dance during the egg hunt. I know you would want me to go. Its just so hard without you Mom. I don't want to hate the holidays. I don't want to dread Easter each year but it is such a reminder, I feel that day started it all and I hate that. In one year Mom you were taken from us. How did all this happen in just a year.

I had lunch today with my friend named Annie. You would love her. She attends the same grief meeting as Pop. My age and lost her Mom in Dec of last year. Pop introduced us, he was so right to do so. Our stories are so similar. She had a relationship with her Mom just like ours. You would think she was talking about the two of us when she talks about her and her Mom. I can really talk to her about you. How much I miss you. We just talk... we talk about you, we talk about her Mom, we talk about how hard it is. We cry and we laugh. Today I found myself thinking how much you would love her. We both can relate to each other so well. Its hard Mom, its hard trying to talk about you and how to deal with this. I have found that some feel enough time has passed and maybe I should be over it by now. You would yell at me for what I would like to do to those people. Some just avoid me, I guess they don't know what to say. At the same time I have not made the best choices on how to deal with this and I think some have left and grew tired of me. I do have the best ones still, the ones that call constantly no matter how many times I don't answer. Tara Rose has been amazing. She never yells when I don't answer and never questions me about it. She does not get mad when I say I am going to come out and then change my mind. She really has been that big older sister who just lets me know she is always there. I know you are not surprised by that, you did tell me that you knew Tara and Anne would both get me thru this. I am so thankful to now have Annie in my life as well. No one could better understand than her tight now. We both are at the same grief stage. We talked today about how this year is going to be our first of so many things. First Easter without our Moms.

I don't go in the yellow room that much anymore. I just don't feel like I can talk to you in there like before. I asked Pop to drive me out to see you on Monday. I thought maybe I could talk to you there. Instead I felt sick and just could not believe I was standing at your grave. I need to find that place again where I feel like I can talk to you. I know you are here. I just, I don't know, maybe I just want more. I of course just want you Mom. Simply put.. I miss you. I just want you here, I just want a hug.

The keyboard is about to be under water with my tears so I think its time to stop. I know you are reading this Mom. I know my diet coke angel Sarah is too. I miss you Mom.