Pasta and Pinecones

My dear Sarah and her little princess Claire just left. Claire is 15 months and was a delight tonight. Sarah called and asked if she could bring Pop and I dinner, she was hoping Mom would also take a few bites. Claire came with her and was hysterical. She was so tickled to see the cats. Making so many giggles and shrieks of excitement. I picked her up to take her in to see mom but mom was in the bathroom. I knew right then Mom heard those cute noises and she was going to come in the living room. Claire and I came back out and are playing in the floor when here comes Mom. She look tired but her eyes were sparkling away to see little Claire walking, shrieking, giggling and being all around damn cute. She walked over to the fireplace and picked up a pine cone Mom has in this basket. She hands the pine cone to me and I say "Pine cone" I think we all almost fell over when Claire says right back "Pine cone" Claire said pine cone!!!!! Sarah was dying.

Claire could not get enough of the cats and simply loved my big fat cat Savannah. I am so kicking myself that I did not have my camera and I am sure Sarah is as well. Here is Claire kissing Savannah and then trying to sit on top of her and ride her. It was hysterical. Savannah just laid there like the sweet cat she is. Mom loved it! Claire made my mom smile more tonight than I have seen in weeks. She told us how much she loved waking to Claire's little voice. She is still up in the living room with us and now watching the Cards game.

I knew my entry yesterday would cause a stir. So I received quite a bit of emails about it. Let me say again, I realize that when some of you call my Pop tells you she does not feel up for visitors. I am talking to those who don't even call, to those that were suddenly here when all this started and have not heard from them in weeks. I am talking to those I feel could be calling to not only check on her but also check on my Pop. Tonight is a perfect example. Sarah calls and says I have dinner for you and your dad, its already packed up and I am on my way. She was thinking of Pop and I and it was so thoughtful. She was not here to see mom but was so glad she got to. Mom got up on her own, she heard Claire and wanted to see her. But like I said yesterday, I have amazing friends.

I should not have to name every single person that calls here. If you were hurt because I did not include your name in my entry yesterday, I am sorry. But give me a break people. You all have to realize I have so many emotions right now. I am hurt, pissed, sad, confused, the list could go on and on. My focus right now is my Mom and Pop. This blog is to give you updates on mom but also a way for me to get things out. If you do not like what you read then simply do not read it anymore.

I am going to sit down and enjoy some pasta with my Pop now. Thank you Sarah!!!! And a BIG THANKS to little sweet Claire for making laughter fill this house again.

One day at a time.............................

Honest Blog

Some may not want to read this entry and I am going to guess I will make some upset as well. I will start with the appointment today with mom's Dr. They gave her a bag of fluids and we will be going back each day this week for fluids. Going to small office in Sunset Hills and not the hospital. Same distance driving but less walking and faster to get her in and out.
Dr. basically told us it was in our hands now when to call hospice in. Pop did not break but I was worried to leave when I left for work today. I am not sure Pop will make the call, I have a feeling I will. I would rather hospice come in now and that way we would not have to take her to get fluids everyday. At the same time, it is so nice to have her leave the house but that is me being selfish. I hate that we have hit the point where all she does is stay in bed.

I was so excited for work last night. However when it came time to leave today, I called my boss and said I would be there when I got there. I am so lucky to have the boss and co-workers I do. I basically have a window to come in between 11-3pm each shift and leave at 7pm. I was very quiet at work today and co-workers picked up on it right away. I finally told Angela and Becky what was happening and that we got the green light for hospice.

Feeling pretty numb. Feeling pretty pissed too. I know mom wanted that party so she could see everyone. I know it was a time where she still felt well enough to see everyone and it was a great day. I am just going to say it. I know some are going to be hurt or pissed at me. I don't care, I care about two people right now and that's Mom and Pop. So many have told us when this all started they were going to be there. They were going to come see her. Where are you? Where? Uncle Jimmy and Aunt JoAnn are always wanting to come see her. Her very dear friends Donna and Harry call and ask to come. I admit right now she is so sick, she will not leave bed. I know she does not want to see people. How many of you know that though.? How many of you have called lately to check on her? How many of you that were going to be here once a week have actually been here at all? Yep I am saying all this, I am mad. Maybe I am mad about so much everything is coming out. Maybe I am wrong to write this but right now I am mad at you that have not been here. And I don't want calls or emails from you that ask if this entry was directed at you...if you feel a need to ask well there is your answer. Maybe she may not want visitors but what about Pop. We all know my Pop is not going to call and ask to get out, he needs you. My friends have been amazing...AMAZING! They always call, they always text, and they are always telling me to get out. Who is doing that for Pop? I wish Georgia family was here bc I know it would be different. She would let her sisters come. They would be checking on Dad. This entry is not directed at family in Georgia. I would like you each to think about what Mom and Pop have done for you in your life. I am sure it was quite a bit. Where are you now? Be mad at me for writing, stay mad if you need to. I am the one who said it. Its not coming from them.

I also realize I am back in my angry mode. I am very pissed this is all happening. Maybe I am directing my angry at the wrong things. I am feeling so many emotions right now. I am pissed and I am hurt and just hate this. I just wish it would all go away. I wish I had one day with her again...one of our days filled with shopping, lunch, and so much laughter. I am pissed I will never have that day again. I am just pissed at it all.

I better stop writing before I have every one hating me for my very pissed off mood and who knows what else I may write at this point.

One day at a time...............

More Pictures

Pop finally finished the pictures from Mom's party. I guess he finished yesterday after he finished his "helpful project" on my birthday pictures. ha.

Once again I will post the link that will allow ya'll to view them on facebook. Short update...she slept on the couch after the recliner till 4pm. Got up and went straight to bed. Will not get up. While she was sleeping on the sofa, I sat on the love seat and pretty sure I stared at her for about a hour. At one point I started sneezing and kept waiting for her to say "Carrie, go take something before you get sick" She always tells me to take something if she hears me sneeze even once. She never said a word and slept. I cried. I cried because I sneezed and my mom did not tell me to take something. Am I a little emotional?

Here's the both links, two different albums. One day at a time....

http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=21486&id=1608546076&l=a69b7e4eef


http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=21482&id=1608546076&l=d3163f432f

Thank You Noah Wyle

Mom has not really left her bed in a couple of days. She has stopped taking the chemo pill. Since she started taking it, her pain level increased and she had no appetite. Hoping now she will regain her appetite. Pop and I are still having her take pain meds every four hours. I am not sure how I am making it each day on 3-4 hours of sleep but somehow has not caught up with me yet.

Mom has been different this last week. I can tell she is drained and just done with all this. That sparkle in her eyes is hard to see. I don't want to think its completely gone. Mostly spends all her time in bed and does not say much to Pop or me. It is so hard to watch...

I finally have her sitting up in her recliner right now. This morning I went to get her a biscuit (she had three bites) and told her there was a movie on with Noah Wyle. She loves him so she sat down to watch it. I think she maybe watched 5 minutes before falling asleep. Sound asleep in her recliner but at least she is out of her bed.

Pop is still doing great but on my last nerve. He is trying so hard to stay upbeat and make me smile. I love him for it but he is going overboard. Yesterday I spent the late afternoon cleaning and turned to find him behind me almost every 5 minutes. It was either asking if he could help, what I was going to do next, did I want to watch a movie, had I ever seen this picture, and then he went one too far. In the middle of cleaning the bathroom he comes in just grinning with a stack of photos..... He went and printed a new set of pictures from my 30th birthday party and had cut my ex out of every picture that he was in. Here I am scrubbing the shower and he is standing there showing me picture after picture just smiling thinking he just did a great thing. I still am not sure if I want to smack him or hug him for doing that.

I know it is a short update and wish it could be better news.


One day at a time.....

Night Shift

We are now trying to have Mom take a pain pill every three hours. She is being stubborn during the day but will take them during the night. So the last two nights have been 5am bedtime for me. Its worth it because I know making sure she has the pills help her sleep soundly.

I was hoping today we could go for a short drive around Elk Park or just around the block but not going to happen. She is back in bed. Mom has been trying to stay awake during the day but some days will just not allow her to do so.

Pop cooked eggs and bacon for her but was disappointed in her one bite of each. We are both plotting lunch now hoping we can get her to eat. Her appetite had increased and she was doing so good but the last couple weeks it is back to tiny bites.

I am off today. Still only working two days a week with all this. I feel like I should leave and go do something while she is sleeping but find myself once again with no motivation plus guilt of leaving.

One hour at a time......

A few pics....

Not sure if this will work for all of you. Pop finally made one disc of pictures from the party. I am a facebook junkie( I know, but its addicting) so album on there. Here is hopefully the link to view http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=21145&id=1608546076&l=fa705bde80

Pop is working on another disc now with pics from every one signing the guest book.

Short update... Kathy Lynn talked me out of my funk! Work was busy today and was great for me. Mom stayed up till after nine watching the Cards game, she tried so hard to stay awake for it all but did not see the win. I am staying awake again tonight for the night shift of pain meds. She is now getting pain pill every three hours. No sleep last night for me but its worth it knowing she is sleeping. Next one due at 1am so I can tell her about the cards and what she missed.

I am calling Anne and Tara tomorrow, I have been awful with my phone last few days and they are over due for calls. I have been awful with everyone over not answering. I am sorry to all. Funk has passed, I promise.

One hour at a time... (Dana, I increased to a hour )

Confined to basement and no longer the Strong one

Here comes the honesty again. To all those that have called the last couple of days and I hear my dad say "Well, its not a great day but only because she did not sleep last night" well.... that's my Pop now being the strong one. Last few days have been awful. She is in pain all over even in her legs. She barely has the strength to get down the hall. Somehow she is being a trooper by sitting in the recliner during the day rather than just stay in bed. I don't know where she gets that strength.

During all this every time I talk to a family member or family friend, I am always asked "how is your dad" My response has always been "he is a mess" Pop was a mess, he was breaking down all the time, stressed out, and just did not know how to handle it. I was the strong one who was able to talk about it, who talked during the Dr. appts, and who just did not cry in front of mom. Pop and I have completely switched roles the last few days. We each have our bad days or days that I refer to as Pop broke today. Well I have been broken for the last four days. I am crying non-stop. I simply look at mom and tears just well up. She looks so frail and in so much pain. It does not help that I had a fever Saturday night and still have cold symptoms so I have tried to stay away from her. Being sick and in a basement can make anyone sad I guess. I should not act like its a dark unfinished basement. Its like my own little place down here but I have the lights off in my room with nothing but crap tv on. I am so proud of Pop for being the strong one, I just cant do it anymore. Hopefully this will pass and I will reemerge with that smile on my face and hugging mom. Right now I can't stop the tears when I see her.

I work tomorrow so I hope that will lift my spirits a bit. I know I have to get out of this funk for mom but can't seem to do it alone this time.

I usually end each entry with One day at a time but this one will be different. My dear cousin Dana gave me some great advice while she was here from Georgia. If it can only be one hour at a time that I stay in control, then take it one hour. She told me this while we were setting up the picture boards for moms party. I joked it would not be a hour more like 15 minutes.

So Dana... 15 minutes at a time.....................