Mom's Birthday

Today would have been Mom's birthday. I had not planned to write anymore on the blog but it was a rough day and sleep is just not coming tonight. I was off today and had many telling me to go out and celebrate her. I just could not do it. Instead I found myself in bed with the blinds closed tight watching nothing but bad tv. Pop drove out to the cemetery. I have not been yet. I had thought I would go so many times by now but cant seem to make myself go.

Pop was better today which surprised me. He had a pretty rough time last week. I am so worried about him. He just looks so sad all the time. I have good days followed by a couple of bad ones. Yesterday and today were just bad days.

I am trying hard not to feel sorry for myself but I just miss her. I miss her so. I try hard to make myself get out of bed and get out. I am spending time with my cousins Kevin and David who have been there for me. They have been awesome.

It will a month and two weeks this Thursday. I don't know what else to write. I just miss my mom. I miss my best friend. I miss the one person who I could tell anything to. I miss the one person who was my biggest supporter. I miss the one person who could make me feel 10 times better by just a hug. I miss her voice. I miss our Saturdays spent together. I miss her so much.

If her birthday was this hard, I cant imagine what the holidays will be like. I wish I could fall asleep and wake to January.

I miss you Mom.

Going on a Month

This Thursday will be a month since mom passed. A month. At times it does seem it has been that long and then it seems it has been a day. I remember that night so well. I had just finished chatting online with a dear friend that always made me smile, went in her room to give her medicine. Walked in and knew right away she was going. I tried so hard not to cry as I held her hand and told her it was ok. I wanted her to hear my voice without tears. I don't know how long I sat there just holding her hand. I remember looking across the hall and staring at Pops door. I knew I somehow had to go open that door and tell him she was gone. Hardest thing I ever did.

Everyone keeps asking how we are doing. I never really know how to answer that. I usually smile softly and say we are making it. Truth is this house feels so empty. Its little things, its opening the fridge and not seeing it packed full bc Mom would buy everything. Last week my dear Tara had me in Disney World. I was very nervous to leave Pop. Tara felt it would do me good to get away and go to the happiest place on earth. I could not believe how much I missed my Pop while there. I must have called him 5 times a day. I found myself mostly spending my days alone and in the long run I think that was good. I went to Epcot, Magic Kingdom, and Hollywood Studios. Each time I would want to go back to the hotel and just sleep, I would feel a little push on my back. I knew it was Mom and I knew she was telling me to get out and have fun. I know if I would have been able to call her and tell her I was out alone I would hear her say I could never do that, I am so proud of you. I even had a sweet glass of wine at Epcot just for her. It was awful but she would have enjoyed it.

I go back to work tomorrow and while I know it will be good for me, I am dreading it. I am dreading having a patient from the cancer center come in for a scan. I don't know if I will be the same at work after this. Maybe in a way I will be better but maybe I will no longer be good at my job. I am not sure.

I really am not sure about anything anymore. I find myself wanting to spend most of my time with family. Pop and I spend time together like we never had before. My cousins David and Kevin have simply been wonderful.

I know Mom would want me to keep going and enjoy each day. I know she is right here with me but so hard not to hear her. So hard not to hug her. Pop is really struggling and I do worry about him with me going back to work. I really want to go back to working 12 hour nights but worry about what that will do to him. I would be gone evenings and sleep days. Not sure if that would be good for him. At the same time I can hear mom telling me to do it and do what I want. Not to sound selfish but I miss having my own place. No way I could leave Pop though. Maybe after first of the year I can decide.

Holidays are fast approaching. How will Pop and I celebrate this year?

I had thought I was done writing. Maybe just not yet. Maybe because I really don't like to talk about my feelings yet. Pop is attending grief meetings every Monday, I am just not ready to do that.

I miss her everyday. Well here goes the waterworks, time to stop for now.
I love you Mom

Dear Cancer

Dear Cancer,

My Mom always told me if I had something very important to say and could not find the best time to tell the person, a letter was always best. I could write out everything I would want to say. Well cancer I have a lot to say to you. Mom also always told me to never say I hate someone or something, instead say I dislike. I think though this is one case where Mom will let me slide. I hate you cancer, I truly hate you.

You crept into our lives unexpectedly and so quickly. I never thought it would happen to Mom. I still don't understand. How could you find a way into her lungs, a woman who never smoked, a woman who did everything right?

I could go on and on in this letter about how much I hate you. I could keep asking why. I am not going to do that though. Instead I am just going to let you know, you may have taken her but you will not take my spirit, my love for life. You have taken my Mom from me and for that I truly hate you. But you will not take me. Mom would not want that. So while I really just want to lay in bed with covers over my head and cry, I am not going to do so. You will not take my laughter, my smile, my love for life. I am going to get up each day and smile bigger, laugh harder, live more, and think of Mom every single day.

You will lose this fight one day, you have affected far too many lives. We will find a way to beat you one day cancer.

What Now?

Alone for the very first time in this house since it all happened. We have had a houseful for weeks and I cant remember the last time when it just was Mom, Pop, and I here. Now Mom is gone and Pop is driving Aunt Thelma, Uncle Fred, and Kathy Lynn to the airport.

I cant begin to write about all my emotions. The last two days were just exhausting and overwhelming. I wanted to run out the door at the visitation for Mom. I had some wonderful rocks beside my side though. Certain cousins and dear friends are very good at reading my expressions and knew when to come over and take me out for air. I think I said Thank You and OK a million times that day. I admit I did not hear each person talking to me, the words went right over my head. I kept thinking Oh Mom, I need you here.

I arrived early that day. I just had to make sure she would look beautiful for my Pop. I wanted to make sure her lipstick was right and not too much makeup. I knew her hair would look good (thanks Ellen) and wanted to check her outfit. I was able to put her wedding ring on her finger. She looked beautiful and so at peace. Everyone kept telling me how great she looked.

Yesterday was hard. As I drove Kathy Lynn and I to the church, I began to feel sick. How could I be driving to my Mom's funeral? Pastor Ryan walked Pop and I down the isle, sat in the pew, and tears came rolling. Mom had talked to me about what she would like for her funeral. I followed each wish. Pastor Ryan was amazing and I had no doubt he would be. What a wonderful speaker he is. The fact that Ryan knows my family brings such comfort. He spoke from his heart about my Mom. My Pop asked three special people to read bible verses. Moms dear friend Dana, our sweet Anne, and my favorite Peach...Kathy Lynn. I made a few promises to Mom, one being I would speak. I walked up to the pulpit and froze. I remember turning back to Ryan for support. Big hug and a whisper of You can do it, I turned back around and read my speech. Everyone told me I had the whole church in tears, I just asked if they could actually understand the words. At one point in my speech I asked everyone to stand up and hug the person to their left and right because if my Mom was there she would be hugging each of them. I could not even look up to see that moving moment. I was shaking and felt like I would fall walking back down the steps. I said to Kathy, "I think I was shaking" Kathy just smiled and said "Oh honey, yes, your legs were going a mile a minute, your dress was shaking, honey even your hair was shaking but you did it" My Pop walked up to read a favorite poem he and Mom shared. I was so proud of him. It was a very long day.

Kathy Lynn and I went to Fraileys after it all. My Pops side of the family has a bit of a tradition. Fraileys is our spot after each family affair no matter what it is. Kathy Lynn just loves Pops nephews. She has told many times over the last couple days she feels better knowing I have them. When we left Fraileys I began to realize my days would no longer be full of visitors. I have been surrounded for weeks now. I am already not enjoying the quiet house.

So where do I go with this blog. I have grown so attached to it. Each day I would either write or read it. It gave me a way to vent, a way to thank, and a way to keep everyone informed. Do I continue to write about struggles I may have in the next coming weeks? Do I still keep it for days when I want to write about Mom? Do I end it as her fight is over? I have no idea, maybe I will have my answer soon.

I could write pages more of the last two days. Thank you to so many that held me up the last two days... you know who you are!!

I love you Mom!!

She is finally at Peace

My beautiful Mom went to her heavenly home last night. I have written about her battle from the beginning so I feel the I should write about the end.

I apologize to anyone who reads the news. Pop and I have started a pretty big phone tree to spread the word. Phone has been ringing off the hook. Family and friends offered to call many which has helped so much.

Some may not want to read the rest of this blog so will write about the arrangements first. Mom's visitation will be this Sunday from 4-8pm at Schrader Funeral Home on Manchester Road. The funeral will be held on Monday at St. Johns Lutheran Church of Ellisville. A short visitation from 10am-11am followed by the funeral at 11 am. We will then have a buffet lunch at the church and then who ever wishes can proceed to Jefferson Barracks. It will be in the St, Louis Post Dispatch on Saturday and Sunday.

I have to write the rest to get it out. Again, if you do not wish to read about what happened last night please stop now. Last night it was just Pop, Aunt Thelma, and myself. They both went to bed pretty early. Aunt Thelma was a little nervous to go to bed because I was feeling pretty sick. I assured her I would be ok. I wrote on the blog about our earlier in the evening. Watched some bad tv and then chatted online with my dear crush. I went in just a few minutes after midnight to give her medicine. Lights were off except our little nightlight like always. I walked in and said "medicine time Mom" just like always. I knew, I knew the minute the words had left my mouth. I watched her take her last few breaths, I made my feet move fast and pulled back the comforter. I placed my hands in correct position to start CPR and began to sob. I knew she would not want me to start CPR and I fought with myself to listen to her wishes. I am still so troubled over the fact that I did not start it. I know it was the right thing to do but it is killing me. I told her I loved her and she was gone. I have no idea how long I stayed by her side till I went to wake my Pop. I had told myself that I would be so strong for him when it happened and I lost it. I know Pop woke up and saw me, he knew right away. I sunk to my knees in the hallway. I am not sure if Pop woke Aunt Thelma or if she heard us. I went back in her room and changed her clothes. She had on one of her favorite Pillsbury shirts and I wanted to keep it. I then asked Pop for nail polish remover so I could paint her nails pink. I remember Aunt Thelma helping me not get paint all over and Pop kept talking to me. Pop called hospice and Uncle Jimmy. I called Kathy, Tara Rose, David, and Dana. I got sick from then on about 6 times. Uncle Jimmy and Aunt Jo Anne were here in no time. Felt like my cousin David was here five minutes after I called him. I mostly just stayed in David's arms or right beside him. I felt like a little lost girl just looking for someone to take care of me and tell me what to do. Pop was a rock, he in some ways was ready. He has been grieving for awhile, I did not allow myself to do so. Pop told me I had been the strong one and now it was his turn. I could not talk to Hospice. I simply told her to make sure her nails were dry. Pop asked David to take me on a drive while the funeral home came to pick Mom up. I think I repeatedly said I did not want to be here. I knew my strength would only carry me so far. I knew I would stay strong for Mom while she was here and needed me. Now I am lost. I am so lost. I find myself staring off in space and feeling so very numb. Why why why?? How did this happen?

Uncle Jimmy and Aunt Jo Anne left before 4am to go home. David left shortly there after. he told me I could go home with him but we both decided I needed to stay here so I could go with Pop this morning to Schrader. I did not want to leave Davids side. Best hugs ever and he was just so wonderful to me. He looked out for me the whole time he was here, all I had to do was move a foot and he was right there.

Pop, Aunt Thelma and I stayed in the living room. Aunt Thelma fell asleep in the recliner and Pop said he would try to get some sleep. I went to my room but no sleep would come. Kathy Lynn called to check on me about 5am or so and then Anne called. I never did go to sleep, Pop and I were at Scharder at 8:30am.

We are home now with more phone calls. I am just frozen on the couch. I just had to write, I just had to. Anne is on her way. Pop is on the phone non-stop

I cant write much more. Maybe more later.

Thank you for all the support and prayers.

I love you Mom! You fought hard my love. I miss you so much already. I know you are with Ma, Aunt Bertha, and Aunt LoLo. I bet Uncle Mike is right beside you making you laugh your ass off. So much love Mom!!

I just love egg drop soup and facebook

I have been in bed all day. Pop kept coming down to check on me and I know he is getting worried. My side is killing me. Pain has been coming and going last couple of weeks but yesterday it really flared up on me and today hit a peak. I should not be surprised with all the stress, that is one thing that may cause a flare up. I know if I call the Dr she is just going to get on my case about repeating the surgery. Just can not do that right now.

I am so relieved Pop is now comfortable with Moms medicine. I am able to rest and sleep now. I am sure the fact I went about 5 days with 2-3 hours of sleep daily did not help matters. Hospice was here this afternoon. Nurse told Aunt Thelma and Pop she could not believe she was here today. She was off over the weekend and last two days so we had other nurses here. She said Mom was a fighter and shocked she is still here with us.

My sweet Sarah called to check on me and was upset to hear about my side. She is one who knows first hand how sick I was. She does not want me to go through all that mess again. Knows how much I love egg drop soup especially when I am sick so she brought me some this evening. Tonight was the first night she met Aunt Thelma and just loved her. Sarah said she just wanted to close her eyes and listen to her because she reminded her so much of Mom. My close dear friends just adore my Mom. They all have grown so close to her over the years. Sarah wanted to go in and see Mom. She had not been here in a couple of weeks, last time she was here Mom was still talking. Sarah walked in and sat down to talk to her and just broke. I know it is so very hard for everyone to see her like this. I rubbed her back and started telling Mom how Sarah brought me egg drop soup. I know Mom was smiling on the inside and then probably thinking you better not be sick Carrie :)

Once again when I logged into facebook this evening I had many emails. I can not begin to tell y'all how much support I am receiving. If it was not for facebook, so many people that I would never have kept up with or that would never know about Mom. I have people writing me I have not talked to in 20 years. Each one makes me smile and builds me up again. How many offer a shoulder or a night out, I am just so ... whats the word...not sure. It just means so much. When Mom first was diagnosed I would tell her so and so emailed me about her. She would get so tickled by all the support. I am amazed by it and appreciate it so.

I keep hugging Aunt Thelma. She is about the same size as Mom and I swear gives hugs just like Mom. Tonight before she went to bed she said those words we all say in this family. Goodnight, Sweet Dreams, I love you. Gave me a hug and I had a hard time letting go. I wish Mom would just open her eyes and sit up, give me one of those amazing hugs. Oh how I wish I could hear her voice. I miss her so. I know she is still here but its so hard. Nurse compared it to a coma. I hate it and I know she hates it. Maybe she is trying to make it easier for us. Still here but not here. Trying in same way to let us not have her talking. Does that make sense? I don't know, I need to stop trying to figure out what she is holding onto. I could drive myself nuts trying to figure it out. I don't think I will ever grow use to not talking to her, not having her with me. I know she will always be with me but.....

I love you Mom

One hour at a time.....

RV, Forklifts, and of course Raccoons

Anne spent the night last night. We watched a interesting movie called Margot at the Wedding. Anne picked it so I can blame her for wasting 2 hours of our night :) We found humor in it of course but we find humor in everything.

Mom is still the same. No change. I am no longer listening to the nurses. According to two, it would be a miracle if Mom was still with us on Sunday. Here it is Tuesday and still here. Not quite sure what she is holding on to but she is a strong woman and I guess she is not going out without a fight. I miss her. I miss her voice, her laugh, her smile. I miss being able to talk to her on the phone for hours. I believe she can still hear us but its getting harder to sit and talk to her. I want to yell "wake up"

I have slept the last two days. I was wore out and just done. Pop is finally comfortable with helping give her medicine. That is so helpful and a huge load of my shoulders.

My cousin Chad was here with us most of the night. I love talking to Chad. He really listens and while we might be in the middle of a deep talk, he finds a way to make me feel safe and laugh at the same time. Our night consisted of talks about buying a RV, watching youtube videos of four wheelers with many comments from me of "that's something you would do Chad" and of course ending the night watching my raccoons eat. Chad is going to build them a jungle gym in the backyard. ha

Our front door remains unlocked now. Seems this house is never without visitors. I know it helps Pop and I. Mom would yell at us for having everyone over without having the house sparkling clean.

It will be a month this Thursday that Mom has had no food. No water for over a week now. I cant remember when she said I love you last. I do know that was the last thing she said to me. I miss her so. Cant write anymore, tears will start.

I love you Mom
One hour at a time.......