Mom came to me in a dream.......

I was quite happy to come last night and sleep in my own bed. I had been staying at my cousins house all week watching my two little cousins. Had a great time, I always enjoy time with my cousins. My two cousins, Xavier who is 16 and Isaac who is 9, surprised me with how often they would talked about their Aunt Bernice. How proud I was to hear how much they loved her and thought she was a "Saint" I could have stayed another week with those two boys.

When I walked in my room last night yawning, I just dropped my bag on the floor, I knew I would sleep well. Georgia was already on my bed and as soon as I laid down insisted at least a hour of a good scratch and rub from her mom. Finally Georgia settled in and I closed my eyes. What do you know, hour later eyes still closed but no sleep yet. Most of my family and friends know I am having a awful time sleeping lately. Finally I fell asleep late in the night.

I would say the dream came around 7am because I woke up shortly after. I often dream and usually remember each one. The dream this morning has had my eyes filled with tears since I woke. Here is my dream......

I was with Mom and we were walking around a place that reminded me of a resort. The air was so fresh and clean, a beautiful sunny day. I just felt happy. Mom walking beside me and laughing. It felt like one of our perfect Saturday or Sunday outings. We are walking along in this area that felt like a huge courtyard where we see a large crowd. A tennis match between girls is drawing the crowd. Mom asks if I want to stop and watch, we watch for the last set of the match and Mom said "Lets go shop more" That's where I look down and see Mom has a bunch of shopping bags. It's going to sound odd but they were the most beautiful shopping bags. Pinks, yellows, bows on the bags, stripes, polka dots, just adorable bags. I then realize I am holding a stack of clothes in my arms. We turn a corner and there is my Aunt Melba. Aunt Melba looks incredible and just looks so happy. She smiles and hugs us and tells us to come for lunch. We then are sitting at a table with beautiful linens and this restaurant is just so amazing. The silverware has a leopard print on the handle. Glass chandeliers everywhere. Pink cushions. Candles are lit and the room smells amazing. Wine glasses filled with ice cold water are waiting for us. Mom and I had been shopping all day so we enjoyed this. The waitress comes over and brings a flute of champagne, drinks it all in one sip and sets it on the table. She said "Champagne for everyone is how it works here" We each have a glass of champagne (even Aunt Melba)
We all have huge salads and Aunt Melba carries most of the conversation. I don't think I have ever seen her just so happy. I remember joking with two men sitting beside us. Aunt Melba turned red and said "Oh Carrie Lynn" to a joke I told them. We have a great lunch and then it is time to go. Aunt Melba left, Mom and I continue to leave the restaurant where we come to a boutique. Purses everywhere, jewelry, scarves, I just cant describe in words how beautiful this boutique is. Mom looks at me and said "Do you want a new purse"
I reply "Mom I just want to set these clothes down, I don't like walking around with all my clothes in my arms"
Mom just pats my arm and with a smile replies " You cant set them down, you have a broken heart"
I remember trying to think why do I have a broken heart, is it from Drew, did I meet someone new and he broke my heart and then I knew. I had a broken heart over my Mom.
I then asked her "When does it stop"
She is smiling and still shopping, turns to me and said "Time for a fresh start Carrie, new everything. A new life, new career"
I asked "what is my career now"
She just smiled
I asked "what should I do Mom"
Again, she just smiled.
I felt like I was trying so hard to figure out the date and place
I asked " Am I alone Mom"
Again she just smiled.
I sat on this bench right by the front door of the boutique. I looked at the clothes I was holding.
I looked at Mom and said "I really don't like walking around with all these clothes Mom. I feel so stupid"
She came over to me and said "You have a broken heart"
That is when I began to cry and I said "Mom, I really miss you "
The front door then opened and next thing I know Mom is leaving the boutique, she turns around and is almost floating away from me. She smiles and said "You just don't know how much I miss you"
And then she was gone. I am still in the boutique, holding all these clothes and crying.

I woke up and sure enough was crying. The dream felt so real. I felt like I could taste our drinks and lunch. I could smell the restaurant. The clothes felt heavy. But most of all, I truly felt like I had just talked to my Mom. I tried so hard to fall back asleep because I wanted to have another dream. I wanted Mom to come back and talk to me again.

I told Pop about my dream. He cried, he believes that it does have a meaning. All I know is I want to fall back asleep and go right back to this dream.

Does it mean something? Did Mom come talk to me?

Fight for Clean Air

I am participating in the 2010 Fight for Clean Air to raise money for the American Lung Association. I am doing this in memory of mom and because I feel so strong about bringing awareness and education about lung cancer. Lung cancer is the #1 killer of all cancer and is the least funded. This has to end. People need to become aware and educated that you do not have to be a smoker to be affected by this awful disease. My Mom was a beautiful healthy lifelong non-smoker woman whose life was cut entirely too short by this awful disease. Please help me in this fight by donating to my climb!! On March 6th 2010 I will be climbing The Metropolitan Building in downtown St. Louis, Missouri. This event is a vertical race to climb 42 floors. Here is the link to my personal pagehttps://www.mrsnv.com/evt/e01/part.jsp?id=2821&acct=9001308197&rid=1103480&part=fundPlease pass this along to all your friends and family . My goal is $1000.00 but I would love to raise more!! Thank you all

Scrooge

Writing again on this blog. According to some books I am reading this is great therapy for me dealing with the aftermath. I will go with it and try. I think at this point many have stopped reading the blog bc well, no new updates concerning mom. Just me rambling about how hard it is and who really wants to read all that. I start a grief support group Wednesday. Pop has been going to two different ones and I knew I needed to give it a try. Its called Motherless Daughters and is made up of adult women who lost their moms. Can you even imagine the amount of tissues used at this meeting? I know it may help and if nothing else I will be surrounded by other women who probably miss their moms as much as I do.

So with that little tiny update about how we are doing....one of the steps to try to get through the holidays is remember. Why this will make me feel better, I don't know. Instead I have found it did the opposite and made me think of everything I will miss this holiday season. I have turned into Scrooge. I have seen trees up in peoples windows and honestly it makes me sick. So here is what I will miss.....

- The discussion of Black Friday starting Nov. 1. Where will we go? What we will look for? And then we end up at Bread Company bc lines are too long and we say never again.
- Getting phone calls during Nov and Dec about what she will make for Christmas Open House. Coming over to the house and she would have new recipes covering the counter. Then open House rolls around and she would not have made any new recipes and just stuck to what she knew.
-Watching my Pop run to the basement day of Open House bc he claimed she turned into a Hyatt. It was the one day if you were hiding in a closet and she did not know you were here that she would cuss like crazy, the minute the doorbell rang she turned back into the women we all loved and adored. There...now you all know a big secret.
-Listening to her frantic phone calls about where she had hid gifts. She was always worried Pop would find out how much she bought and who she bought for. She was known to forget where she had hidden gifts and instead of really looking, she would just go buy more. Literally drove my Pop insane.
-She still put presents under the tree from Santa. Signed the gift tag and all.
-That she would always look forward to playing the dice game at Uncle Jimmy's and do her famous dance if she won money.
-How excited she would get every Christmas morning about drinking mimosa's. Pop would roll his eyes bc he knew it would just take one and she would be buzzed at 8 in the morning and sure enough that is what would happen.
-Every time we went shopping and I would point at something I liked. I got either two reactions...the deer in the headlight look meaning she already had bought it for me (she knew me too well) or I heard why do you go look over there for a bit meaning she was going to buy it and really thought I would have no idea.
-That she bought my cats Christmas presents. One from Grandma and one from Santa. Yes, she really did.
-the fact that she could look at each homemade ornament on her tree and tell you where I made it, what year I made it and probably even what outfit I had one while making it.
-She would get more excited than a 5 year old over Christmas lights.
-Her pumpkin pie
-She would ask all week long what I was wearing Christmas Day, I always had no idea. Santa would always have a gift under the tree that the moment I opened it, I would hear"You could wear that today"
-The night I would come over to help decorate the tree. We would play Christmas music and drive my Pop insane. She always complained he never put enough lights on the tree, he would disappear to his office the rest of the night.
-I pretty much knew if I was living in St. Louis to make no plans for any Saturday during the month of Nov or Dec bc we would shop all day.
-Her cheesy potatoes


Too many to write and tears have arrived.
As far as I am concerned, holidays are cancelled.

2 months

How can it already be two months????? When does it start to get easier??

So here I am again writing on this blog. Pop is going to weekly grief meetings and I am avoiding it all. I was doing better last month than now. Maybe its the fact the diet coke cans already have snowflakes on them or stores have Christmas crap all over the place. Halloween was hard enough without her. How in the hell do Pop and I handle Thanksgiving and Christmas?

I left my job. Maybe I was not ready to go back or maybe the fact I was dealing with patients from the cancer center every shift did it. I just could not face it another day. Some may say it was good to work now and get me out but I just could not take another patient from the cancer center.

I still have been spending most time with my cousins. Over the Halloween weekend I did go out with my dear Anne who made me laugh every chance she had. Anne also gave me the most beautiful gift, I was able to hear Moms voice. Anne kept a voicemail mom left her and I finally was ready to hear it. I listened twice before handing the phone back, I could have just laid down and put it on repeat all night.

I am still struggling with people in my life. Still those that feel I have changed too much and tired of my ongoing mood changes. Still those that feel I am not myself. I have sat back and tried to view their points but at same time wonder if they have done the same for me. Sad what times like this brings to light.

I miss her more each day and wonder when that time comes where it will become easier. I hope soon

I love you Mom

Mom's Birthday

Today would have been Mom's birthday. I had not planned to write anymore on the blog but it was a rough day and sleep is just not coming tonight. I was off today and had many telling me to go out and celebrate her. I just could not do it. Instead I found myself in bed with the blinds closed tight watching nothing but bad tv. Pop drove out to the cemetery. I have not been yet. I had thought I would go so many times by now but cant seem to make myself go.

Pop was better today which surprised me. He had a pretty rough time last week. I am so worried about him. He just looks so sad all the time. I have good days followed by a couple of bad ones. Yesterday and today were just bad days.

I am trying hard not to feel sorry for myself but I just miss her. I miss her so. I try hard to make myself get out of bed and get out. I am spending time with my cousins Kevin and David who have been there for me. They have been awesome.

It will a month and two weeks this Thursday. I don't know what else to write. I just miss my mom. I miss my best friend. I miss the one person who I could tell anything to. I miss the one person who was my biggest supporter. I miss the one person who could make me feel 10 times better by just a hug. I miss her voice. I miss our Saturdays spent together. I miss her so much.

If her birthday was this hard, I cant imagine what the holidays will be like. I wish I could fall asleep and wake to January.

I miss you Mom.

Going on a Month

This Thursday will be a month since mom passed. A month. At times it does seem it has been that long and then it seems it has been a day. I remember that night so well. I had just finished chatting online with a dear friend that always made me smile, went in her room to give her medicine. Walked in and knew right away she was going. I tried so hard not to cry as I held her hand and told her it was ok. I wanted her to hear my voice without tears. I don't know how long I sat there just holding her hand. I remember looking across the hall and staring at Pops door. I knew I somehow had to go open that door and tell him she was gone. Hardest thing I ever did.

Everyone keeps asking how we are doing. I never really know how to answer that. I usually smile softly and say we are making it. Truth is this house feels so empty. Its little things, its opening the fridge and not seeing it packed full bc Mom would buy everything. Last week my dear Tara had me in Disney World. I was very nervous to leave Pop. Tara felt it would do me good to get away and go to the happiest place on earth. I could not believe how much I missed my Pop while there. I must have called him 5 times a day. I found myself mostly spending my days alone and in the long run I think that was good. I went to Epcot, Magic Kingdom, and Hollywood Studios. Each time I would want to go back to the hotel and just sleep, I would feel a little push on my back. I knew it was Mom and I knew she was telling me to get out and have fun. I know if I would have been able to call her and tell her I was out alone I would hear her say I could never do that, I am so proud of you. I even had a sweet glass of wine at Epcot just for her. It was awful but she would have enjoyed it.

I go back to work tomorrow and while I know it will be good for me, I am dreading it. I am dreading having a patient from the cancer center come in for a scan. I don't know if I will be the same at work after this. Maybe in a way I will be better but maybe I will no longer be good at my job. I am not sure.

I really am not sure about anything anymore. I find myself wanting to spend most of my time with family. Pop and I spend time together like we never had before. My cousins David and Kevin have simply been wonderful.

I know Mom would want me to keep going and enjoy each day. I know she is right here with me but so hard not to hear her. So hard not to hug her. Pop is really struggling and I do worry about him with me going back to work. I really want to go back to working 12 hour nights but worry about what that will do to him. I would be gone evenings and sleep days. Not sure if that would be good for him. At the same time I can hear mom telling me to do it and do what I want. Not to sound selfish but I miss having my own place. No way I could leave Pop though. Maybe after first of the year I can decide.

Holidays are fast approaching. How will Pop and I celebrate this year?

I had thought I was done writing. Maybe just not yet. Maybe because I really don't like to talk about my feelings yet. Pop is attending grief meetings every Monday, I am just not ready to do that.

I miss her everyday. Well here goes the waterworks, time to stop for now.
I love you Mom

Dear Cancer

Dear Cancer,

My Mom always told me if I had something very important to say and could not find the best time to tell the person, a letter was always best. I could write out everything I would want to say. Well cancer I have a lot to say to you. Mom also always told me to never say I hate someone or something, instead say I dislike. I think though this is one case where Mom will let me slide. I hate you cancer, I truly hate you.

You crept into our lives unexpectedly and so quickly. I never thought it would happen to Mom. I still don't understand. How could you find a way into her lungs, a woman who never smoked, a woman who did everything right?

I could go on and on in this letter about how much I hate you. I could keep asking why. I am not going to do that though. Instead I am just going to let you know, you may have taken her but you will not take my spirit, my love for life. You have taken my Mom from me and for that I truly hate you. But you will not take me. Mom would not want that. So while I really just want to lay in bed with covers over my head and cry, I am not going to do so. You will not take my laughter, my smile, my love for life. I am going to get up each day and smile bigger, laugh harder, live more, and think of Mom every single day.

You will lose this fight one day, you have affected far too many lives. We will find a way to beat you one day cancer.