Dear Mom

Dear Mom,

Easter is this Sunday. It will mark one year that you woke up feeling ill. It will mark one year that we thought you might have pink eye. One year ago Mom, you woke up with pink eye and that began a course of events I never saw coming. Who would have thought that you would have pink eye and then a flu like bug which caused a chest x-ray that changed our lives forever.

You always loved every holiday so it would be hard for me to pick your favorite. I might go with Easter though. You always had this house decorated from top to bottom with your spring/Easter decor. You would just get tickled when your flowers began to bloom. You really loved this time of year. It is my first spring without you. I am dreading Sunday. Easter Sunday is to me the day that started all this. You had asked me to come over early that day before you went to church to see my Easter basket. You were all dressed up when I came in your new outfit. You stood by smiling and giggling as I looked at my basket. Cute flip flops, candle, two books, and a pair of high heels. The perfect Easter basket!! A couple pieces of chocolate were always thrown in that you would joke were for Pop. I knew you felt funny but you promised you were fine and I would see you at Uncle Jimmy's later that day. I left and went back home to get ready. When I walked in Uncle Jimmy's the first thing I heard was you were not coming. I called you right then and there. Easter was not the same without you. We had the big adult egg hunt. All of us still went crazy pushing each other trying to find the prize eggs but you were missing. You and the little dance you would do each time you found a egg. Your constant laugh during the egg hunt. The unspoken rule that the only person you don't push or steal a egg from is you. It was not the same but at that time I thought, she will be here next year. But you wont. I wont wake up and call you first thing. I wont come over to have breakfast and have this amazing Easter basket with ribbons all over it. I wont be here the day before and dye 6 dozen eggs with you. You wont do your dance during the egg hunt. I know you would want me to go. Its just so hard without you Mom. I don't want to hate the holidays. I don't want to dread Easter each year but it is such a reminder, I feel that day started it all and I hate that. In one year Mom you were taken from us. How did all this happen in just a year.

I had lunch today with my friend named Annie. You would love her. She attends the same grief meeting as Pop. My age and lost her Mom in Dec of last year. Pop introduced us, he was so right to do so. Our stories are so similar. She had a relationship with her Mom just like ours. You would think she was talking about the two of us when she talks about her and her Mom. I can really talk to her about you. How much I miss you. We just talk... we talk about you, we talk about her Mom, we talk about how hard it is. We cry and we laugh. Today I found myself thinking how much you would love her. We both can relate to each other so well. Its hard Mom, its hard trying to talk about you and how to deal with this. I have found that some feel enough time has passed and maybe I should be over it by now. You would yell at me for what I would like to do to those people. Some just avoid me, I guess they don't know what to say. At the same time I have not made the best choices on how to deal with this and I think some have left and grew tired of me. I do have the best ones still, the ones that call constantly no matter how many times I don't answer. Tara Rose has been amazing. She never yells when I don't answer and never questions me about it. She does not get mad when I say I am going to come out and then change my mind. She really has been that big older sister who just lets me know she is always there. I know you are not surprised by that, you did tell me that you knew Tara and Anne would both get me thru this. I am so thankful to now have Annie in my life as well. No one could better understand than her tight now. We both are at the same grief stage. We talked today about how this year is going to be our first of so many things. First Easter without our Moms.

I don't go in the yellow room that much anymore. I just don't feel like I can talk to you in there like before. I asked Pop to drive me out to see you on Monday. I thought maybe I could talk to you there. Instead I felt sick and just could not believe I was standing at your grave. I need to find that place again where I feel like I can talk to you. I know you are here. I just, I don't know, maybe I just want more. I of course just want you Mom. Simply put.. I miss you. I just want you here, I just want a hug.

The keyboard is about to be under water with my tears so I think its time to stop. I know you are reading this Mom. I know my diet coke angel Sarah is too. I miss you Mom.

Climbed 42 flights but now what???

As most of you know on March 6th I climbed the Met building downtown in memory of my Mom. The Lung Assoc. did a great job and had a huge turn out. My team, Bernice's Girls raised $4,667.00!!!!!!! That is INCREDIBLE!!!! We were in the top 7 teams and those other teams were corporate. It is incredible how much we raised considering we signed up late. I was so touched by those that donated. I had my babysitter from grade school to people I have not seen in over 15 years. Each day it seemed another donation was made that brought tears. Good tears!!

I was very honored when the Lung Assoc. asked me to be a Lung Champion. I think there was 7 or 8 of us. We had our stories on the Lung Champion wall and also a few of us spoke at the climb. I was terrified to speak but I knew I had to do it. I spoke before our climb. My team was there early to support me. My diet coke angel (Sarah) came with her boyfriend Mark who also climbed another team. They came early just to hear me speak. Anne stood at my side and it is very possible she had no feeling in her hand the rest of the day from my tight squeeze. I did it though, without tears, without getting stuck, with a strong voice and a smile. My team was amazing!!!! I brought flower headbands for all of us. We were actually mentioned in the St. Louis Post Dispatch for that :) I don't know what I would have done without my team. Each has already let me know they would be back next year and we are determined to raise $7000.00. I was asked by the Lung Assoc. to serve on the committee for next years climb. I am very proud to be a part of that.

This climb really helped me. It not only gave me something to focus on but I was doing something in memory of Mom. Every dollar we raised and each step that day was for her. I can honestly say that was the best day I have had since Mom was diagnosed.

So here I am after the climb and feeling lost once more. I had hoped things would be easier or that I would not feel this dark cloud over me each day. I have been told that the first year is hard but the next year is when you really start to grieve. What?? I can not imagine grieving more than I do now. I know on top of the mourning that I am frustrated. I am frustrated not knowing what to do next in terms of career. I am frustrated living at home with Pop.

I was sent a email the other day with the subject line of "what is up with you" . hmmm... I know some are concerned, I know I have distanced myself. What is up with me? I am sad. I am truly sad and never knew a person could feel such sadness. I know it will pass, I know things will get better. But when? Those answers we seek that no one knows are the hardest.

I have been lucky enough to meet a couple of girls my age that also lost their Moms in the last year. I have enjoyed my time with them. Its comforting to know someone else feels the same and understands. I think these two girls will become life long friends, we may have meet because of our tragedies but what a bond we share. I feel that Mom had something to do with bringing these two girls in my life, just like I believe Mom had something to do with me finding out about the climb. I know she is with me each day, I feel her right next to me.

Mom also has bought something else very special to me. When I learned the diagnose and knew what was coming, my first thought was a trip. Take Mom to Vegas or a cruise. I then found myself thinking what she needs is a huge party. I was hesitant to bring it up to her. I knew my Pop would not agree to it. So I remained silent but Mom had the same idea. When Mom approached me about her party idea, I was thrilled. I told her I was thinking the same thing and she said "of course you were". I know some did not think it was appropriate. I can understand that. That party was so wonderful. To see that banquet hall full of people who loved my Mom and wanted to celebrate her was incredible. My Mom asked that the Tashler family be invited to that party. We love the Tashlers and I was thrilled when they rsvp yes. I be live that not only did my Mom want to see them but my Mom wanted me to have them in my life again. And they are!!! Tammi has been a blessing, Mr. Tashler has been great to my Pop, we could not ask for a better family to take us in :) Tammi and her husband Aaron were so touched by the party. The three us began discussing how anyone with a terminal illness deserves that. What a awesome way to celebrate your loved one. My photo boards at Moms party had three words... Live, Laugh, Love. As the months have passed we have been planning how to make that party happen for those with a terminal illness. And so Live, Laugh, Love began. We hope to start this organization soon. We know it will take time, we know it will take funds but we each feel it is so important. Most of all it will be another thing I do to honor the most beautiful person I have ever known, my Mom.

With all that said, I don't really write on the blog much. I doubt anyone still checks it. But I will still write when I need to, I know one person who still reads each word and she matters most. Mom.

Thank you to all who made donations to Bernice's Girls!!! I can not thank you enough!!

Mom came to me in a dream.......

I was quite happy to come last night and sleep in my own bed. I had been staying at my cousins house all week watching my two little cousins. Had a great time, I always enjoy time with my cousins. My two cousins, Xavier who is 16 and Isaac who is 9, surprised me with how often they would talked about their Aunt Bernice. How proud I was to hear how much they loved her and thought she was a "Saint" I could have stayed another week with those two boys.

When I walked in my room last night yawning, I just dropped my bag on the floor, I knew I would sleep well. Georgia was already on my bed and as soon as I laid down insisted at least a hour of a good scratch and rub from her mom. Finally Georgia settled in and I closed my eyes. What do you know, hour later eyes still closed but no sleep yet. Most of my family and friends know I am having a awful time sleeping lately. Finally I fell asleep late in the night.

I would say the dream came around 7am because I woke up shortly after. I often dream and usually remember each one. The dream this morning has had my eyes filled with tears since I woke. Here is my dream......

I was with Mom and we were walking around a place that reminded me of a resort. The air was so fresh and clean, a beautiful sunny day. I just felt happy. Mom walking beside me and laughing. It felt like one of our perfect Saturday or Sunday outings. We are walking along in this area that felt like a huge courtyard where we see a large crowd. A tennis match between girls is drawing the crowd. Mom asks if I want to stop and watch, we watch for the last set of the match and Mom said "Lets go shop more" That's where I look down and see Mom has a bunch of shopping bags. It's going to sound odd but they were the most beautiful shopping bags. Pinks, yellows, bows on the bags, stripes, polka dots, just adorable bags. I then realize I am holding a stack of clothes in my arms. We turn a corner and there is my Aunt Melba. Aunt Melba looks incredible and just looks so happy. She smiles and hugs us and tells us to come for lunch. We then are sitting at a table with beautiful linens and this restaurant is just so amazing. The silverware has a leopard print on the handle. Glass chandeliers everywhere. Pink cushions. Candles are lit and the room smells amazing. Wine glasses filled with ice cold water are waiting for us. Mom and I had been shopping all day so we enjoyed this. The waitress comes over and brings a flute of champagne, drinks it all in one sip and sets it on the table. She said "Champagne for everyone is how it works here" We each have a glass of champagne (even Aunt Melba)
We all have huge salads and Aunt Melba carries most of the conversation. I don't think I have ever seen her just so happy. I remember joking with two men sitting beside us. Aunt Melba turned red and said "Oh Carrie Lynn" to a joke I told them. We have a great lunch and then it is time to go. Aunt Melba left, Mom and I continue to leave the restaurant where we come to a boutique. Purses everywhere, jewelry, scarves, I just cant describe in words how beautiful this boutique is. Mom looks at me and said "Do you want a new purse"
I reply "Mom I just want to set these clothes down, I don't like walking around with all my clothes in my arms"
Mom just pats my arm and with a smile replies " You cant set them down, you have a broken heart"
I remember trying to think why do I have a broken heart, is it from Drew, did I meet someone new and he broke my heart and then I knew. I had a broken heart over my Mom.
I then asked her "When does it stop"
She is smiling and still shopping, turns to me and said "Time for a fresh start Carrie, new everything. A new life, new career"
I asked "what is my career now"
She just smiled
I asked "what should I do Mom"
Again, she just smiled.
I felt like I was trying so hard to figure out the date and place
I asked " Am I alone Mom"
Again she just smiled.
I sat on this bench right by the front door of the boutique. I looked at the clothes I was holding.
I looked at Mom and said "I really don't like walking around with all these clothes Mom. I feel so stupid"
She came over to me and said "You have a broken heart"
That is when I began to cry and I said "Mom, I really miss you "
The front door then opened and next thing I know Mom is leaving the boutique, she turns around and is almost floating away from me. She smiles and said "You just don't know how much I miss you"
And then she was gone. I am still in the boutique, holding all these clothes and crying.

I woke up and sure enough was crying. The dream felt so real. I felt like I could taste our drinks and lunch. I could smell the restaurant. The clothes felt heavy. But most of all, I truly felt like I had just talked to my Mom. I tried so hard to fall back asleep because I wanted to have another dream. I wanted Mom to come back and talk to me again.

I told Pop about my dream. He cried, he believes that it does have a meaning. All I know is I want to fall back asleep and go right back to this dream.

Does it mean something? Did Mom come talk to me?

Fight for Clean Air

I am participating in the 2010 Fight for Clean Air to raise money for the American Lung Association. I am doing this in memory of mom and because I feel so strong about bringing awareness and education about lung cancer. Lung cancer is the #1 killer of all cancer and is the least funded. This has to end. People need to become aware and educated that you do not have to be a smoker to be affected by this awful disease. My Mom was a beautiful healthy lifelong non-smoker woman whose life was cut entirely too short by this awful disease. Please help me in this fight by donating to my climb!! On March 6th 2010 I will be climbing The Metropolitan Building in downtown St. Louis, Missouri. This event is a vertical race to climb 42 floors. Here is the link to my personal pagehttps://www.mrsnv.com/evt/e01/part.jsp?id=2821&acct=9001308197&rid=1103480&part=fundPlease pass this along to all your friends and family . My goal is $1000.00 but I would love to raise more!! Thank you all

Scrooge

Writing again on this blog. According to some books I am reading this is great therapy for me dealing with the aftermath. I will go with it and try. I think at this point many have stopped reading the blog bc well, no new updates concerning mom. Just me rambling about how hard it is and who really wants to read all that. I start a grief support group Wednesday. Pop has been going to two different ones and I knew I needed to give it a try. Its called Motherless Daughters and is made up of adult women who lost their moms. Can you even imagine the amount of tissues used at this meeting? I know it may help and if nothing else I will be surrounded by other women who probably miss their moms as much as I do.

So with that little tiny update about how we are doing....one of the steps to try to get through the holidays is remember. Why this will make me feel better, I don't know. Instead I have found it did the opposite and made me think of everything I will miss this holiday season. I have turned into Scrooge. I have seen trees up in peoples windows and honestly it makes me sick. So here is what I will miss.....

- The discussion of Black Friday starting Nov. 1. Where will we go? What we will look for? And then we end up at Bread Company bc lines are too long and we say never again.
- Getting phone calls during Nov and Dec about what she will make for Christmas Open House. Coming over to the house and she would have new recipes covering the counter. Then open House rolls around and she would not have made any new recipes and just stuck to what she knew.
-Watching my Pop run to the basement day of Open House bc he claimed she turned into a Hyatt. It was the one day if you were hiding in a closet and she did not know you were here that she would cuss like crazy, the minute the doorbell rang she turned back into the women we all loved and adored. There...now you all know a big secret.
-Listening to her frantic phone calls about where she had hid gifts. She was always worried Pop would find out how much she bought and who she bought for. She was known to forget where she had hidden gifts and instead of really looking, she would just go buy more. Literally drove my Pop insane.
-She still put presents under the tree from Santa. Signed the gift tag and all.
-That she would always look forward to playing the dice game at Uncle Jimmy's and do her famous dance if she won money.
-How excited she would get every Christmas morning about drinking mimosa's. Pop would roll his eyes bc he knew it would just take one and she would be buzzed at 8 in the morning and sure enough that is what would happen.
-Every time we went shopping and I would point at something I liked. I got either two reactions...the deer in the headlight look meaning she already had bought it for me (she knew me too well) or I heard why do you go look over there for a bit meaning she was going to buy it and really thought I would have no idea.
-That she bought my cats Christmas presents. One from Grandma and one from Santa. Yes, she really did.
-the fact that she could look at each homemade ornament on her tree and tell you where I made it, what year I made it and probably even what outfit I had one while making it.
-She would get more excited than a 5 year old over Christmas lights.
-Her pumpkin pie
-She would ask all week long what I was wearing Christmas Day, I always had no idea. Santa would always have a gift under the tree that the moment I opened it, I would hear"You could wear that today"
-The night I would come over to help decorate the tree. We would play Christmas music and drive my Pop insane. She always complained he never put enough lights on the tree, he would disappear to his office the rest of the night.
-I pretty much knew if I was living in St. Louis to make no plans for any Saturday during the month of Nov or Dec bc we would shop all day.
-Her cheesy potatoes


Too many to write and tears have arrived.
As far as I am concerned, holidays are cancelled.

2 months

How can it already be two months????? When does it start to get easier??

So here I am again writing on this blog. Pop is going to weekly grief meetings and I am avoiding it all. I was doing better last month than now. Maybe its the fact the diet coke cans already have snowflakes on them or stores have Christmas crap all over the place. Halloween was hard enough without her. How in the hell do Pop and I handle Thanksgiving and Christmas?

I left my job. Maybe I was not ready to go back or maybe the fact I was dealing with patients from the cancer center every shift did it. I just could not face it another day. Some may say it was good to work now and get me out but I just could not take another patient from the cancer center.

I still have been spending most time with my cousins. Over the Halloween weekend I did go out with my dear Anne who made me laugh every chance she had. Anne also gave me the most beautiful gift, I was able to hear Moms voice. Anne kept a voicemail mom left her and I finally was ready to hear it. I listened twice before handing the phone back, I could have just laid down and put it on repeat all night.

I am still struggling with people in my life. Still those that feel I have changed too much and tired of my ongoing mood changes. Still those that feel I am not myself. I have sat back and tried to view their points but at same time wonder if they have done the same for me. Sad what times like this brings to light.

I miss her more each day and wonder when that time comes where it will become easier. I hope soon

I love you Mom

Mom's Birthday

Today would have been Mom's birthday. I had not planned to write anymore on the blog but it was a rough day and sleep is just not coming tonight. I was off today and had many telling me to go out and celebrate her. I just could not do it. Instead I found myself in bed with the blinds closed tight watching nothing but bad tv. Pop drove out to the cemetery. I have not been yet. I had thought I would go so many times by now but cant seem to make myself go.

Pop was better today which surprised me. He had a pretty rough time last week. I am so worried about him. He just looks so sad all the time. I have good days followed by a couple of bad ones. Yesterday and today were just bad days.

I am trying hard not to feel sorry for myself but I just miss her. I miss her so. I try hard to make myself get out of bed and get out. I am spending time with my cousins Kevin and David who have been there for me. They have been awesome.

It will a month and two weeks this Thursday. I don't know what else to write. I just miss my mom. I miss my best friend. I miss the one person who I could tell anything to. I miss the one person who was my biggest supporter. I miss the one person who could make me feel 10 times better by just a hug. I miss her voice. I miss our Saturdays spent together. I miss her so much.

If her birthday was this hard, I cant imagine what the holidays will be like. I wish I could fall asleep and wake to January.

I miss you Mom.