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Thursday, March 18, 2010

Climbed 42 flights but now what???







As most of you know on March 6th I climbed the Met building downtown in memory of my Mom. The Lung Assoc. did a great job and had a huge turn out. My team, Bernice's Girls raised $4,667.00!!!!!!! That is INCREDIBLE!!!! We were in the top 7 teams and those other teams were corporate. It is incredible how much we raised considering we signed up late. I was so touched by those that donated. I had my babysitter from grade school to people I have not seen in over 15 years. Each day it seemed another donation was made that brought tears. Good tears!!
I was very honored when the Lung Assoc. asked me to be a Lung Champion. I think there was 7 or 8 of us. We had our stories on the Lung Champion wall and also a few of us spoke at the climb. I was terrified to speak but I knew I had to do it. I spoke before our climb. My team was there early to support me. My diet coke angel (Sarah) came with her boyfriend Mark who also climbed another team. They came early just to hear me speak. Anne stood at my side and it is very possible she had no feeling in her hand the rest of the day from my tight squeeze. I did it though, without tears, without getting stuck, with a strong voice and a smile. My team was amazing!!!! I brought flower headbands for all of us. We were actually mentioned in the St. Louis Post Dispatch for that :) I don't know what I would have done without my team. Each has already let me know they would be back next year and we are determined to raise $7000.00. I was asked by the Lung Assoc. to serve on the committee for next years climb. I am very proud to be a part of that.

This climb really helped me. It not only gave me something to focus on but I was doing something in memory of Mom. Every dollar we raised and each step that day was for her. I can honestly say that was the best day I have had since Mom was diagnosed.
So here I am after the climb and feeling lost once more. I had hoped things would be easier or that I would not feel this dark cloud over me each day. I have been told that the first year is hard but the next year is when you really start to grieve. What?? I can not imagine grieving more than I do now. I know on top of the mourning that I am frustrated. I am frustrated not knowing what to do next in terms of career. I am frustrated living at home with Pop.

I was sent a email the other day with the subject line of "what is up with you" . hmmm... I know some are concerned, I know I have distanced myself. What is up with me? I am sad. I am truly sad and never knew a person could feel such sadness. I know it will pass, I know things will get better. But when? Those answers we seek that no one knows are the hardest.

I have been lucky enough to meet a couple of girls my age that also lost their Moms in the last year. I have enjoyed my time with them. Its comforting to know someone else feels the same and understands. I think these two girls will become life long friends, we may have meet because of our tragedies but what a bond we share. I feel that Mom had something to do with bringing these two girls in my life, just like I believe Mom had something to do with me finding out about the climb. I know she is with me each day, I feel her right next to me.
Mom also has bought something else very special to me. When I learned the diagnose and knew what was coming, my first thought was a trip. Take Mom to Vegas or a cruise. I then found myself thinking what she needs is a huge party. I was hesitant to bring it up to her. I knew my Pop would not agree to it. So I remained silent but Mom had the same idea. When Mom approached me about her party idea, I was thrilled. I told her I was thinking the same thing and she said "of course you were". I know some did not think it was appropriate. I can understand that. That party was so wonderful. To see that banquet hall full of people who loved my Mom and wanted to celebrate her was incredible. My Mom asked that the Tashler family be invited to that party. We love the Tashlers and I was thrilled when they rsvp yes. I be live that not only did my Mom want to see them but my Mom wanted me to have them in my life again. And they are!!! Tammi has been a blessing, Mr. Tashler has been great to my Pop, we could not ask for a better family to take us in :) Tammi and her husband Aaron were so touched by the party. The three us began discussing how anyone with a terminal illness deserves that. What a awesome way to celebrate your loved one. My photo boards at Moms party had three words... Live, Laugh, Love. As the months have passed we have been planning how to make that party happen for those with a terminal illness. And so Live, Laugh, Love began. We hope to start this organization soon. We know it will take time, we know it will take funds but we each feel it is so important. Most of all it will be another thing I do to honor the most beautiful person I have ever known, my Mom.
With all that said, I don't really write on the blog much. I doubt anyone still checks it. But I will still write when I need to, I know one person who still reads each word and she matters most. Mom.
Thank you to all who made donations to Bernice's Girls!!! I can not thank you enough!!