It has been some time since I wrote, I talk to you everyday but found writing here has grown harder and not as therapeutic as I once found it to be. I think part is this was such a easy way to keep family and friends updated and I had so many thoughts running in my mind that it helped to put it all down in words.
I have had six birthdays without you, Pop still buys me flowers every year but let's be honest, no one could make me feel more special on my birthday than you. Six Halloweens that either Pop or myself passed out candy out your front door. How excited you would be to see all the trick or treaters and have "special" bags for the neighbor kids. I have carried that tradition on for you. I am going to skip Easter as it is the hardest one of all. The day you became sick and the one holiday I struggle with the most. Six Thanksgivings without you, the time of year where we had already begun shopping for Christmas. We would go to Uncle Jimmys where Pop would always carve the turkey, you would look forward to what pie Grandma Nelson baked, and Jim would be excited over your cheesy potato casserole. Uncle Jimmys wood stove would have that basement baking in heat but none of us would notice because we were always having so much fun. I am still struggling a bit with Thanksgiving without you, disappointed in how much it has changed. Christmas, where do I start? It will never be the same. I really tried with Pop this year to have the open house, I know you are disappointed that we have not carried that on each year. I promise it will happen in 2015. I did not cry this year on Christmas Eve or Christmas Day. I can't begin to tell you how much David, Anissia, Xavier, Isaac, Kevin, and Toni have helped Pop and I celebrate. The best part is how much we look forward to spending Christmas with them. Pop gets excited over the presents we buy for each (can you believe that) You would be so proud of the young men Xavier and Isaac are growing into. Xavier is on his way to joining the Police Academy and Isaac will be a freshman. You would love Xaviers girlfriend, Pop and I talked about that as we were picking out her gift, oh you would be buying her clothes like crazy. But the biggest news is your Godson is going to be a Father. Kevin and Toni will be having a little Lemon this February. Pop just said the other day "could you imagine what all your Mom would have bought for Kevin and Toni by now, Carrie she would have bought the entire nursery" ha, oh you would be so tickled and excited. There are quite a few celebrations happening in 2015, Kristen, Danny, and Jessica are all getting married. I know you will be watching over all three on their big day.
Four days into the New Year and I have made a few promises to myself. I have been feeling pretty good the last few weeks and while Pop would prefer I wait a couple more months to see how I do, I am ready to get back out. I am starting to look for part time and I plan to discuss with Pop that I feel comfortable living alone again. I pretty much know when a flare is coming so I can call him and/or Dr. myself. I have gotten very good at knowing when I am going to pass out and always carry my cell. I think it will help Pop and I get along better plus I miss having my own space. I am going to take a couple classes on subjects that interest me and learn a new hobby.
I am going to stop concentrating so hard and beating myself up over those I lost in my grief and instead devout my love and energy on those that forgave my mistakes and how I handled my grief. I know I was lousy in how I handled losing you, I wanted to stay miserable so I surrounded myself with misery and I am sure it was hard for some to watch. I did learn how to pick yourself up from such dark low trenches, how to remove the stench it left behind on you. I am not perfect nor is anyone, I made mistakes and have finally learned not to dwell, and I will never go back to such a dark ugly place again. I miss all those I lost and if ever a time they need me, I will be there in a heartbeat but in the meantime, I will no longer focus on my sadness of losing them. I have a incredible small but incredible group of family and friends that love me for me and I believe that while I am not always her, they have all begun to truly see the old Carrie again.
Last promise is a little odd for me to tell you. I want Pop to date, I don't want Pop to in any way replace you, that would be impossible but I want him to find someone to take to dinner, go see a concert, and most all of dance with. Plus it would be great if someone else had to hear all his stories Mom, you remember how many times he would call you at work and you would hang up so then he would call me..... ten times worse Mom. Sometimes I think he just starts talking to hear his own voice so he needs to find someone who is very patient or very hard of hearing. Now I know why you always sat with your deaf ear to him :) I worry about his social time and how in this last year he seems to only want to sit in recliner in his room. He seems to only go to the airport once a week, that worries me. So, while I continue to push him into dating and getting out to meet people, please give him a few extra pushes. I need your help on this one.
We all miss. There is not a time that I spend with family or friends that you are not mentioned. So many miss you and were so deeply touched by you. You truly were a Saint, not many come close to having a impact on so many. I am so proud to be your daughter and so proud I was able to call you not just Mom but my best friend. I love you so and miss you more than words can say.
