Six Years

Today marks six years since you have been gone Mom. Currently sitting in the waiting room in hospital as we wait for Pop to go into surgery and wishing you were by my side like always. The surgery fell on today and we could not put it off another day as they are repairing the surgeons mistake from his last back surgery. Pop finds it comforting and has said maybe it was scheduled today and how he knows you will be with him. I, on the other hand, find it very uncomfortable but not letting Pop see my worry and fear. It is a distraction I guess, at least this way I won't be pulling the covers over my head and crying all day. I have handled this day the last two years in a much more healthy manner than before.

I don't think you would be happy where Pop and I are in life. I know you would be proud of me making some positive and healthy changes in my life the last two years, rid my life of negative bullshit and got back to my happy and positive self. I also repaired some lost relationships that had fell apart due to my grief and choices I was making. I know you would be so very happy to see I am once again spending my time with David, Kevin, Toni, Anissia, Xavier, and little Isaac who is growing up way too fast. I wish you were here to meet little Connor, he is perfect and looks just like Kevin. I know you would be happy to know I am spending time with Sarah and Ellen again, oh you would go bananas over their little ones. I can only imagine all the goodies you would be buying them for Macys :) As happy as I know you would be for all this, I know you are disappointed and sad to see some other relationships not repaired or just still lost. I am getting healthier, I think we may have found the correct meds and dosage to keep my flares somewhat better controlled, headed to Tara's next week to work on my resume and get back out there. I know you are not happy with how Pop is coming along. I am not sure what has caused his setback in the last year. I can't remember the last time he went to church and it started before he was feeling bad. He has become so dependent on me in terms of company, household duties, just everything Mom. I am so ready to get my own place again and need it as I am starting to resent him but his behavior alone while I was in Georgia the past two weeks worries me in that decision. He called me 3-6 times day, he called Anissia and kept asking her to call me to tell me to come home. He was going crazy and would become tearful on the phone. I felt so guilty because instead of rushing back home, I started to get agitated and would tell him he would be fine, he could manage without me. I just wish you could send him some strength, he has aged so much in the last six years. I barely recognize him.  His behavior, memory, and statements he makes has me so concerned. You and I use to joke that we would take turns caring for him when he turned senile, I am so bitter and sad that I will be doing it alone. 

Not one day goes by that I do not think of you Mom. How I wish I could just talk to you for five minutes or be able to hug you. I miss your laughter, your smile, your wisdom, your love, your awesome dance moves,  I miss everything about you. I hope one day I know you are looking down and smiling down on the entire family and proud of us all. I know you are with each of us everyday watching over us and sending us your love. We all miss you so. Love Always and Forever. xoxo

Six Birthdays, Thanksgivings, Halloweens, Christmas and Five Easters Without You

It has been some time since I wrote, I talk to you everyday but found writing here has grown harder and not as therapeutic as I once found it to be. I think part is this was such a easy way to keep family and friends updated and I had so many thoughts running in my mind that it helped to put it all down in words. 
I have had six birthdays without you, Pop still buys me flowers every year but let's be honest, no one could make me feel more special on my birthday than you. Six Halloweens that either Pop or myself passed out candy out your front door. How excited you would be to see all the trick or treaters and have "special" bags for the neighbor kids. I have carried that tradition on for you. I am going to skip Easter as it is the hardest one of all. The day you became sick and the one holiday I struggle with the most. Six Thanksgivings without you, the time of year where we had already begun shopping for Christmas. We would go to Uncle Jimmys where Pop would always carve the turkey, you would look forward to what pie Grandma Nelson baked, and Jim would be excited over your cheesy potato casserole.  Uncle Jimmys wood stove would have that basement baking in heat but none of us would notice because we were always having so much fun. I am still struggling a bit with Thanksgiving without you, disappointed in how much it has changed. Christmas, where do I start? It will never be the same. I really tried with Pop this year to have the open house, I know you are disappointed that we have not carried that on each year. I promise it will happen in 2015. I did not cry this year on Christmas Eve or Christmas Day. I can't begin to tell you how much David, Anissia, Xavier, Isaac, Kevin, and Toni have helped Pop and I celebrate. The best part is how much we look forward to spending Christmas with them. Pop gets excited over the presents we buy for each (can you believe that) You would be so proud of the young men Xavier and Isaac are growing into. Xavier is on his way to joining the Police Academy and Isaac will be a freshman. You would love Xaviers girlfriend, Pop and I talked about that as we were picking out her gift, oh you would be buying her clothes like crazy. But the biggest news is your Godson is going to be a Father. Kevin and Toni will be having a little Lemon this February. Pop just said the other day "could you imagine what all your Mom would have bought for Kevin and Toni by now, Carrie she would have bought the entire nursery" ha, oh you would be so tickled and excited. There are quite a few celebrations happening in 2015, Kristen, Danny, and Jessica are all getting married. I know you will be watching over all three on their big day.
Four days into the New Year and I have made a few promises to myself. I have been feeling pretty good the last few weeks and while Pop would prefer I wait a couple more months to see how I do, I am ready to get back out. I am starting to look for part time and I plan to discuss with Pop that I feel comfortable living alone again. I pretty much know when a flare is coming so I can call him and/or Dr. myself. I have gotten very good at knowing when I am going to pass out and always carry my cell. I think it will help Pop and I get along better plus I miss having my own space. I am going to take a couple classes on subjects that interest me and learn a new hobby.
I am going to stop concentrating so hard and beating myself up over those I lost in my grief and instead devout my love and energy on those that forgave my mistakes and how I handled my grief. I know I was lousy in how I handled losing you, I wanted to stay miserable so I surrounded myself with misery and I am sure it was hard for some to watch. I did learn how to pick yourself up from such dark low trenches, how to remove the stench it left behind on you. I am not perfect nor is anyone, I made mistakes and have finally learned not to dwell, and I will never go back to such a dark ugly place again. I miss all those I lost and if ever a time they need me, I will be there in a heartbeat but in the meantime, I will no longer focus on my sadness of losing them. I have a incredible small but incredible  group of family and friends that love me for me and I believe that while I am not always her, they have all begun to truly see the old Carrie again. 
Last promise is a little odd for me to tell you. I want Pop to date, I don't want Pop to in any way replace you, that would be impossible but I want him to find someone to take to dinner, go see a concert, and most all of dance with. Plus it would be great if someone else had to hear all his stories Mom, you remember how many times he would call you at work and you would hang up so then he would call me..... ten times worse Mom. Sometimes I think he just starts talking to hear his own voice so he needs to find someone who is very patient or very hard of hearing. Now I know why you always sat with your deaf ear to him :) I worry about his social time and how in this last year he seems to only want to sit in recliner in his room. He seems to only go to the airport once a week, that worries me. So, while I continue to push him into dating and getting out to meet people, please give him a few extra pushes. I need your help on this one. 
We all miss. There is not a time that I spend with family or friends that you are not mentioned. So many miss you and were so deeply touched by you. You truly were a Saint, not many come close to having a impact on so many. I am so proud to be your daughter and so proud I was able to call you not just Mom but my best friend. I love you so and miss you more than words can say.