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Tuesday, June 30, 2009

Counting to ten does not work.......

I wish I was more like my mom where I could just count to ten and remain calm. Mom is home and sound asleep. She did get sick as soon as she walked in the door but I believe it was the car ride home that upset her. Hopefully by tomorrow morning she will feel a change with her back pain.

As far as trying to be more like mom and simply count to ten......it does not work when it comes to my Pop. It has now hit the point where we glare at each other and unless mom is in the room with us we try to stay away from each other. I know he is hurting as much as me, I know he is just as stressed as me if not more but we just can not get along. I was worried this would happen when I moved back home. Pop and I built up our father/daughter relationship while I was living in Dallas. Those extra miles away from each other made us close and work on things. We still did great when I moved back to St. Louis but now that we are under the same roof we are back to bickering and being so hateful to each other.

I am trying my best to bite my tongue. I almost exploded at him today. I was home when they got back from hospital. I was going to spend the afternoon cleaning and trying to throw away things that are not needed. My parents can be secret pack rats and it drives me nuts. They walk in and I see right away mom is going to be sick. I grab a bucket just in time and ask Pop to go get two cold washcloths. So he brings back one......OK I count to ten and say "Need one more please" I try to say please more and more with him so he does not accuse me of being bossy.
So here we are.... mom getting sick in a bucket. I am holding her up and wiping her neck. I hear my phone start ringing. Here comes Pop with my phone "Carrie your phone is ringing"
You have got to be kidding me. I know I gave him a awful look. I know I said something along the lines of "Are you a idiot". I mean really... Hey mom can you stop throwing up so I can answer this non-important phone call. Oh but wait there is more.... so mom is still throwing up and Pop sees the flowers that were delivered today and decides to bring the huge basket pf flowers and starts saying sweetie look at the flowers. Maybe I am crazy but if I was bending over in the middle of the kitchen throwing up in a bucket and had someone standing behind me trying to make look at flowers.... well I would probably turn around and puke all over their feet. So I look at Pop and say "Really? Pop come on, not right now" Oh well that made him explode at me. Do you see where I am going with this, Pop and I have turned our paths into a war zone.

On a lighter note, Pop is going to a support group tonight which I have been encouraging for the last few weeks. I know he needs to talk and hear other stories because he just is still so overwhelmed by it all. While I may write about him and his ways that drive me nuts, bottom line is I love my Pop so hope this group does help him.

We go back tomorrow to see the Dr. I go back to work Thursday. Part of me cant wait. I miss my co-workers and getting my mind off what is going on here at home. I will be working two days a week for this month. My boss and I had a long talk about it and she felt I needed to work during this to simply have a couple of days to escape and forget. She is right. While it is going to break my co-workers hearts, I have been looking at another school and does not have to do with MRI. I am looking at radiation therapy school. I know when all this is over I am going to fight this cancer bitch somehow. While I love the ER and love MRI, I have found I want to work against the cancer bitch.

Monday, June 29, 2009

Acosta and Tacos

We drove out to mom's office this morning. She wanted to go in and see everyone but at the same time find out where she stands with her job. Oh she was beaming when she walked in. Hugs all around. Love watching her smile and give hugs. How many people just love my mom...

She got a little teary-eyed while talking with her boss. He calls her Bernie and made it clear no one else would be sitting at her desk. I have gotten to know some of her co-workers and talked to a few about what is really going on. You know my mom, she maybe did not tell them everything.

While we were there, someone brought up the fact that it was dollar taco day at El Maguey. As soon as we get in car, mom announces she wants to go. She had one taco but she got sick when we got home.

I am starting to really notice her eyes and trouble with completing words and thoughts. I do not like her eyes today. Something seems off. Her trouble completing thoughts has been going on the last few days but definitely increased today. I tried to get Pops opinion but it made him too upset to talk about it. Tomorrow I am going to suggest another MRI of the brain. I know it was just last week but we know this cancer bitch likes to move fast.

Pop and I are really struggling last few days. We have got to the point of not really speaking to each other unless its about mom. Living together I knew would be hard and we both are just stressed out, so I know it will pass.

Mom has been talking about the party more and more. Part of me worries about the date. Mom wants that day though because she likes Andres. Plus I think she knows if we were to move it up, it was for a reason and none of us wants to admit what that reason would be.

Over the weekend mom had some great visits and the fridge is full. Tara and Janie brought roast that mom loved. Janie brought her famous homemade apple pie which speaks to me every time I walk in the kitchen. Judy and Kay brought all kinds of goodies. Judy's pasta was a big hit with mom. She slept in her new polka dot pjs that she loves..thanks Judy and Kay!
Yesterday she did not want visitors which tells me she was having a bad day. She usually never turns away visitors.

Next week my Aunt Thelma, Aunt Melba, and my cousin Kathy are flying in from Georgia. I cant wait. I so need them here. I know mom needs them here. I just cant wait to be able to lay my head on their shoulder and cry. They will just make everything feel OK. They always do. I always ran to Georgia when I needed to get away.



Friday, June 26, 2009

August 23!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

We are having the party on Sunday August 23 from 1-8pm. Andres South gave us a great deal. 1-6pm drinks will include soda, beer, and wine. 1:30-4:30 will be assortment of food. It was hard to find a place for a Saturday night but I think this time will work better for mom.

Invites soon. Will also post it on here. Let me know now if you are planning on coming now so I can get a head count!!!!!

Mom is very excited!!!

Thursday, June 25, 2009

One Day at a Time

I know we need to take all this one day at a time. Yesterday was a crazy day, we heard awful news but at the same time, Mom was having such a good day. How exciting it was to sit at a restaurant and have a meal with her. How wonderful it was to see her get a haircut and laugh. It was a all around great day even hearing that bad news.

Today, I focused on the good day we had, unpacking the basement, and thinking of ideas for the party. She was sick today and mostly slept. It is so hard that each day we just never know what to expect. I hate that.

Mom will undergo a small out patient procedure on Tuesday to correct her collapsed T6. Her pain should improve greatly.

Not much more to write tonight. Thank you to all who have called and emailed me with offers of help for the party. It is going to be a great time!!!

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

We Are Having A PARTY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So, we are planning a party... big party... huge party... PARTY of the YEAR for my Mom!!!!!!

Visit today was not news we wanted to hear but one day at a time. The stupid cancer bitch has spread. It has made its way to her liver. T6 has collapsed. ughhhhhhh more news but the news here is we are going to celebrate my mom and have a huge party for her.

She had a great day today. The steroids have given her so more energy. Get ready for this news.... we ate out after the hospital!!!!!!! Mom got out!!! woooo-hhoooooo!!!! She wanted to go to the Elephant Bar and ordered a pasta dish that she ate more than half... more woooo-hoooo. Mom and I went and waited for Pop to meet us. Mom looked at me and said she wanted to plan a party. I said sure. She said not at the house an not where we had my 30th because it would be too small. I was thinking "hell yea"
Then her cute as a button butt said "Carrie, we need to get those big cooler of beer things"
"Uhhh,, mom do you mean a keg"
She smiled, "Yes, that's it, how many? Are you thinking 5"

Oh my... I ask how many people is she thinking. Without hesitating she said 300-350. She said everyone is invited.
ha ha ha... she always added we would not have subway crap sandwiches, we would have really good food. Cracking me up!!! I have already called Tara to help me plan. She would have been the first person I called but before I could tell mom, she said right away "Call Tara Rose for help" ha.

So everyone will be invited and I mean everyone!!! My mom wants a huge party and I am going to make sure she gets it. If you have a connection to a banquet hall, DJ, or catering company please let me know!!!!! Any help would be great.

Again everyone is invited. Tara will be making a special invite that mom has requested but I will post it on here as well when the date is set. We are thinking middle August.
Lets throw her the biggest party ever and show her how much we all love her!!!!!!!

Mom is in a good mood with high spirits. What a strong person she is. I have been smiling and laughing with her all afternoon and plan to do that each day. No more tears, saving those for car drives alone, showers, and late nights. But from now on... smiles and laughter with my beautiful mom.

Ellen came over tonight and cut her hair. She looks great!!!!! Thank you Ellen... love you dearly sweets!!!!!! Ellen and I had mom laughing the whole time.

So again.... get ready for a party and any help would be great. Keep those prayers going!!!!

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

Watermelon and 110

There have been so many times since last Thursday that I have started a new entry and could not find the words to finish a sentence. Mom has been home since last Thursday. She is so relieved to be here and so much more comfortable to be in her own home.

I do not want her anywhere else but here as well but its a struggle. She sleeps probably about 18-21 hours a day. She is so weak and so very frail. It kills me to watch her walk down the hallway because I know it wears her out. We are having a hard time in the food department. Right now it is so important to make sure she eats....its a hard task. She has lost her taste for sweets. Food must be soft right now. Nothing seems to taste good to her and not make her feel nausea. On Father's Day, my dad went to my cousin Davids and he brought home food for us. Mom truly ate that day. She had tenderloin, baked beans, and watermelon. The watermelon was a hit. She was still eating watermelon last night.

Her pain is getting worse. That is one of the hardest to watch. I hate it. I hate knowing she is pain and nothing I can do to take it away. I am not as bothered by her sleeping like my dad. He hates that she sleeps so much. He just wants her awake and walking, of course I want that but I know between her body and the meds, she is going to sleep.

Friday evening my cousin Robin, Dana, Kristin, and my Uncle Earl came to see her. She did well. She enjoys visits. Uncle Jimmy has brought his homemade potato soup. Sunday, my Aunt Diana, cousin Steve and Stevie came. At one point they said they were going to leave so she could rest and she said no. Visits are good for her because well, my mom loves everyone but it keeps her up. Last night cousins Denny and Jenny brought over Sybergs pasta. Mom had not tried pasta yet and it seemed to work.

I am still just in shock that on Easter Sunday my mom woke up with pink eye and we went to this. How did it happen like this? I hate how frail she is. I hate that she looks sick. Last few days have been hard between Pop and I. Getting tense and I am trying hard to not let that happen. He is getting angry because he feels I am hiding things I know from him. I am not hiding.. I truly am protecting him. Pop is in denial and just cant yet accept what is happening. My mom asked me to talk Sunday with her. She is worried about Pop and how he is going to handle what is coming. She also told me she is at peace with it. I did not know she was ready to have this conversation... I was not.

Today she woke up and weighed herself. She had dropped to 110. She felt extremely weak so we called Kim (angel on earth who works as a nurse) to ask if we could come in and get fluids. After talking to Kim, it was decided we would also perform a ct scan today. After the Dr. saw her it was decided we would set up a MRI of brain tomorrow.

Mom has decided to stop chemo. I am ok with that. We will find out results of the scan tomorrow and hopefully hear it has not spread.

Feels like months have passed since we brought mom home just last Thursday. Cancer is a bitch....it has just taken her too fast.

So, this is why I have not written last few days. I feel I have no good news to share except she really ate watermelon.

Side note for those who know about Uncle Bruce... I did admit him to a long term care facility and hate it. Hate it. In my opinion it is a temporary solution and he will be with me soon. My dear cousin David went with me yesterday to his home. It was trashed. Horrible. David told me to take the pictures I wanted and I would never come back. Home is going in foreclosure which is the best. I have him unlisted in the facility so those people cant find him. I am trying my best to make sure he is ok but I did not go see him yesterday or today. I am trying my best to make sure that does not happen again. I do not want two days to go by that I do not see him. I promised my mom he will be taken care of and I will fulfil that promise.


very quick

Taking my mom in for fluids. She is down to 110 piunds and just too weak. Talked to the nurse and it was decided to also do a ct scan as well. Chemo is more than likely not going to continue.
Running out the door but have been getting emails, texts, and calls to check on her and just cant answer them all right now. Will write when we get home with more details.

Thursday, June 18, 2009

Finally!!!!!!

MOM IS HOME FROM THE HOSPITAL!!!!!!!!!!

Will write more later with all the details but right now just too happy she is home. I am just watching her sleep :)

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

Are you there God... It's me Carrie and Pop

So, I am just wondering if the big man upstairs is listening or just really busy. I would like to ask him to give my Pop and I a break. I mean really... can you back off just a little? If this is some test can we have a make up day?

Dad and I go see Uncle Bruce today. I have been avoiding it simply because I know my uncle, I know the minute we were to walk in the room he would demand to go home. How do you tell a loved one they can not go home? Plus if you knew my Uncle... how the hell do you tell him? He looked good, sitting on the edge of the bed just like I expected and the minute I walk in the room I hear the famous "hey darling" That pleasant voice did not last long as he continued to ask why I would not take him home. I went to the nurse and asked her to page the social worker I had spoke with. I asked her how Bruce had been and she looked me up and down and said fine. Okay... so maybe I looked like a mess. I admit, I have no clue where half my clothes are, I have no desire to fix my hair, and quite frankly I look like a girl who just cries all the time. Picture this... me, white cotton long skirt you wear to the beach( I was dreaming when I put it on) gray Texas football t-shirt and my hair... well lets just say it was up. Did it look like a mess... most likely. Did I care... nope.

So social worker comes and tells me .. well, shitty news. She called 30 long term care facility's and only 2 agreed to Uncle Bruce. Really????? yep. So I should add the fact, I went to school for gerontology and quite frankly I am very picky. I hated the two right away. hated them. No LTC will accept Bruce bc of his history and high elopement risk. I knew this would happen. I look at Pop who at this point is in his own world worried about mom and continue to drill the social worker about other options. She at one point told me I was too picky. Really??? You think???

So here we are ..... my mom would not agree to these terms if she was well. How do I?? At same point I can not move right back out and take my Uncle with me bc mom needs me home with her. Pop broke today. He really broke. I don't understand why this is all happening at once. Somehow I need to make a decision about where my Uncle should go by tomorrow. I have called family and asked their advice but at the same time, they have not seen him. They don't know how he is. They don't know what we have been dealing with. Not their fault... they live in Georgia....just shit. I mean I just want to say crap. Why cant I have a week to really look at things and make the best decision. Hospital wants to discharge him tomorrow... what time that gives me.

And mom.... well mom looks sick. She just plain out looks bad. They want to do a MRI of her brain again. I know what that means.

Pop really broke tonight. I finally called my friend Sarah and said I needed to get out. Thank God she lives four minutes away. First time in a week I have called a friend for help.

I have no idea what this entry is even about.... I cant put my Uncle in a nursing home even though I know that is what needs to happen now.... I cant stand to walk in moms hospital room and see this frail sick beautifful woman that I love so dearly. I guess I am asking God to give us a break....please. I know I am mad at you.... frustrated at why this is happening... but give us a break, please.

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

Made it 18 hours or so without crying

Home from hospital. This visit did not go well. Pop asked if I would go have dinner with him before going to the hospital. He felt neither one of us have been eating and thought we should go out. I suggested El Nopal and surprisingly he agreed. (Sarah, it was packed.. I looked for Jim and Nancy)

Awkward dinner.. I was quiet. Pop was quiet. We finally started to talk but ended up talking about Uncle Bruce so my eyes welled up again. Last night Uncle Bruce called me. It was so sad. After hanging up with him I just can't place him somewhere. Can't do it. So I asked Pop if we could move Uncle Bruce in with us. Very surprised that Pop did not look at me like a idiot and said "is that what you want" I said yes... I told Pop that when the time comes that I move back out, I will take Uncle Bruce with me. Told him that I would never put him or mom in long term care so how could I do that to Uncle Bruce. He has agreed to think about it. I know it sounds insane but I love my Uncle.

Walk into moms room and just started crying. She did not look good today. Placed the port today so she was sore. She just looked so frail and sick. I could not stop the tears from rolling down my cheeks. Was not sobbing, just constant tears falling. Don't think she could tell because she could barely keep her eyes open but Pop saw it. I laid with her for a bit and she just kept telling me I smelled good. She fell asleep, Pop decided we should go and let her sleep. She woke to tell us by and said the same thing she has said to me every night since I was little... Goodnight, Sweet Dreams, I love you.

They have decided not to do chemo tomorrow and wait one week. We are hoping she can come home in three days or so. I want her home so much.

Ride home was awful. Pop broke. He started sobbing and telling me we have to stay positive. I don't remember saying anything but "pull over and let me drive" I must have said it five times and finally gave up. I have seen my Pop cry like that once in my life. It was at Aunt Lo Lo's funeral and it was horrible to hear and see. I told him I was sorry that I had been so tearful the last week. I was mad at myself for crying in front of him because I had been the strong one when this started and now I am just losing it. He told me it was OK, he knew that I needed some crying time and I would get that strong part back.

I hope that strong part is coming back. I actually answered the phone today when Tara, Sarah, and Fadler called. I had not been answering bc I knew when I heard my friends I would just start crying. I did good. Cried a little with Fadler and he let me.. he acted like he did not know. Cried harder with Sarah bc who knows. It takes nothing for me to cry.

So...guess the crying spell is not quite over. This just sucks.

Monday, June 15, 2009

Woke up from Cying Spell

Well, I think I am over the crying spell, at least maybe for the night. Once again this morning, I woke up feeling sick and pulled the covers over my head with Georgia curled up beside me and closed my eyes wishing it would all go away. Pop came down and told me it was ok, to stay in bed and cry if I needed to. (Those who know my father know this was huge) Told me to take the day and get better and just let it out. So another day wasted by tears, then cell phone rang again and for some reason I answered. I know many of you have tried calling last few days, I can only say sorry for not answering, I just knew I would cry if I did.

So, back to the phone call that woke me from my crying coma. Uncle Bruce has been in the hospital since Thursday. Pop and I got the call late Thursday night and we needed to get to the ER to give history and well to make sure Uncle Bruce did not knock any nurse out. To family members... you know how he is. We still don't know what exactly happened. Those lovely pieces of shit that continue to rob him and squat in his house called 911 claiming he had a seizure. By the time Pop and I got to hospital he was already being admitted and was cussing everyone out. Normally he will talk to me and stay somewhat calm but he yelled at me anytime I tried to approach the bed. I once again stepped up and talked to the nurse and the charge nurse about him while Pop stood off to the side. But then again, who can blame my Pop... the guy has put up with Uncle Bruce since he married mom and he has had it.

So, Uncle Bruce has remained in the hospital and I asked the staff to call me with any problems /updates and not bother Pop.Well, they have called. They have called since Thursday night at 3am, 5am, 1am, 10pm... every single night. "Your Uncle is trying to hit the staff" "Your Uncle wants his glasses" Your Uncle wants to smoke" "Your Uncle is highly agitated" "Your Uncle will not screaming at us" "Your Uncle wants his tennis shoes" ........Why the night staff is full of idiots, I don't know. Friday, I had requested a sitter be placed in the room with him after they asked me to stay with him. My mom knows he is in the hospital but she does not know it all. I now have to somehow build up enough courage to tell her about the phone call I just received.

I have been telling my parents the last couple months that I want to take over Power of Attorney for my Uncle. My mom does not need it and I don't want that to fall in my dads lap. Plus, I am not going to baby Bruce the way mom has and will make sure he has the negative people out of his life.

Social worker called from hospital and I spent a hour on the phone with her. I just agreed to place my Uncle. Hospital feels he is no longer able to care for himself at home(no shit) and he needs to be placed somewhere. I told the very helpful social worker that we have hot lined my Uncle three times in the last three months. I went over everything that has happened with him and at his house. I spent a good hour on the phone with her. I feel like my mom should have been part of the conversation but I said screw it and just took charge. After the phone call my Dad walked in the door and I told him everything. He agreed with me and then said "Who is going to tell your mother"

That phone call woke me up from my crying and feeling awful. I realized I need to be back to taking control of things and handling all of this. Mom needs me, Pop needs me and my crazy but dear favorite Uncle needs me. I cant pull the covers over my eyes and cry anymore. I have to pull myself together. I know the crying is going to come back, I know that angry phase is going to come back.... right now though, I am back to handling it all. I will admit though if my cousin Kathy was to book a flight to St. Louis... I would let her handle half. hint hint. love you.

So no more crying for the rest of the night.... that is my goal. One day at a time.

Sunday, June 14, 2009

Same Bed... New Room, well sort of

This post is going to make me sound like a bad daughter, a depressed daughter. and a all around confused daughter.

Mom went in hospital Monday as many know. She is still there. Now ask me how many times have I been? First, I had a fever and cold symptoms that I did not want to risk giving to her. By Wednesday, I knew I had pancreatis again. I had been at my dads since Monday bc the AC went out in my apartment and found myself on the couch in pain and crying at the drop of a second. My cousin Scott helped Friday by moving boxes and some furniture to make the load lighter on Saturday. I don't know how I was able to help Saturday. From Monday till today I have been a mess. I feel sick, my side is killing me, and I cant stop crying about my mom.

I guess it has finally hit me. My mom is sick and I there is nothing I can do to save her. I guess I am having a selfish week by being sick and crying. I have been so good about not crying and just getting things done. Maybe I have just exhausted myself. All I know is I want my mom. She has always been the one to make it better and now I need to try to make it better for her.

When I was in third grade, my best friends (my sisters in my heart) moved to south county. I was devastated. South county sounded like another state and what was I going to do without them. Mom was there, she hugged me, told me it would be ok. I was ok because mom was there.

When I was starting high school with braces and thought life would be over. I was suppose to have them off before starting high school... freshman with braces!!! But once again, was fine. Mom was there to tell me what every daughter needs to hear.

When I made life miserable for my parents when I was about 17 by making the wrong choices... once again, Mom was there. Pop was disgusted with me and our relationship has always been different since but my mom... my mom loved me no matter what.

When I came to my mom and told her I was moving to Dallas, I saw true sadness in her eyes. She knew I was going for the wrong reasons with the wrong guy. But once again, if my mom saw me smiling she would stand by. So when I called mom everyday from Dallas, she never once told me the mistake I had made. She waited for me to say I was ready to come home. And when I finally did, she was there. Came back to St. Louis feeling lost bc I left a great job and felt like I was taking ten steps back but mom was there.

When I continued to get sick and the Dr's could not figure out what was wrong, mom never gave up. I did, I was convinced after too many surgeries and too many tests they would never figure it out and I would be in pain. Mom never gave up and with her help I found a wonderful Dr who finally figured it out and with his help finally had the correct surgery.

When just this year I had my heart broken, mom was there. I thought I had found the man I would marry and while my mom disagreed she never said a word. Once again My mom just waited right by my side to catch me when I fell and to lift me up again.

She has always been there. I have been thinking of that each day this week and trying to somehow figure out what I am going to do without her by my side.

So, I am having that week. That week, where all I do is cry and wonder how I will ever make it without the person who loves me more than life and has always been there.

Monday, June 8, 2009

Miserable with no AC

My AC went out today, not too much fun when you have a fever and feel ill. I have been trying to rest but at same time packing a couple boxes every couple hours. It is killing me I am not in my moms hospital room.

Earlier today when she was down in the cancer center waiting for a bed I tried to call my Dad's cell. Could not get him because his signal is no good in the cancer center. I just started crying my eyes out. I just had the biggest urge to hear her voice and knowing there was not a way to talk to her right then and there just broke my heart. I cried for about a hour. I ended up calling her voicemail at her office just to hear her voice. I can't imagine not hearing her voice. I can't imagine not being able to talk to her whenever I want.

So here I sit on the couch with both cats and my fan aimed at us on high. Pop told me I could go sleep there for the night. I can't do it. I don't want to be there because mom is not there. Is that crazy? Here I sit miserable knowing I am not going to sleep well and have a cool house to go to yet I can't.

I hope she is sleeping well. I hate I am not there in the room watching her sleep.

Back in hospital

Mom is back in the hospital. She has radiation burns to her esophagus which is causing the swallowing issue. I had no idea Mom was at the Dr.'s office. The wonderful nurse called me and said "Carrie don't get mad", ha. She knew I would be upset that parents did not call me.
This morning I had called over there to let them know I woke up with a fever and some other things and I would not come see mom. I had been calling the house the last two hours and thought maybe mom felt better and dad had taken her to lunch, I wish :)

I am proud of Mom for calling the office to let them know the pain in her chest and throat were worse. Glad she is starting to be more open and honest when she does not feel good. Right now they have mom in the cancer center laying down with some IV fluids. They will set her up with some antibiotics and medicine to help coat the esophagus to make it heal. Guessing three to four days of a hospital stay. Kim (nurse) requested another private room which will be nice. I was told by Kim I will be in huge trouble if I try to go up there today. Can't risk giving my mom germs or anyone else. That is killing me.

Will write again with more updates as they come. Keep her in your prayers.

Sunday, June 7, 2009

Purple Toes

Before anyone freaks out... No, mom did not wake up and have purple toes. Pedicure yesterday and Ellen painted my toes purple. I just looked down and saw the cute color and had no other thought for a title!! :)

Lets start with yesterday. Mom and I went to get a pedicure yesterday morning. She had such great days on Thursday and Friday. Oh it was wonderful!! She asked me to call Ellen to set up pedicures for Saturday morning so she could have cute toes for our dear friend and my second father Roger's (not my Roger) birthday party on Saturday. We did not make the party. :(

I picked mom up in the morning and knew right away she was not feeling well. Walking slower than on Friday she sat in my car and sighed.
"Mom, we can cancel"
"No, I want to go"
She then went on to tell me that she was having problems swallowing. Her chest was in pain and she felt exhausted. I tried to tell her Ellen would not mind and understand if we cancelled but she really wanted to go. I believe she thought it would help.
Ellen started mom's pedicure first and mom loved it. She talked about how the warm water and massage felt so good. Ellen was so gentle with her and gave her a wonderful massage. Mom began telling both of us about a co-workers friend who was diagnosed with lung cancer, had surgery, and was doing so well. She sat the magazine down in her lap and turned to me and said "Carrie, why cant they just remove my lung"

Oh, crap. We were told surgery was no longer a option because it is stage four and already has spread. Ellen just looked at me and I could tell she was wanting to cry as much as I wanted to. I sat my magazine down and looked at mom. She then said "Its too far along, right"

I could only say "Yes"
She went back to her magazine and Ellen continued to rub her legs. Its those moments that kill me. Its those moments where I know mom knows what we are facing and just cant believe it. Its those moments I just want to grab onto her and take it all away. Its those moments where I say to God, give it to me instead.

After her pedicure, I offered to call dad to come get her so she would not have to sit and wait for me. She told me she had already told Dad to do just that. Dad arrives and I walk her and her cute pink toes out to the car. She hugs me and said I just cant make it to Rogers party. Please call Tara.

Go back in salon and walk over to Ellen. She hugs me. Told me it broke her heart when mom asked about removing her lung. Told me she just wants to hug her over and over. I know Ellen, me too!

Later in day I go check on her and still no better. I end up going home because I start sneezing and sniffling like crazy. By 9 last night my head and throat are killing me and I know I have caught a little bug. Have not gone over today because no way will I risk giving my mom a cold. I have made about ten calls over there.

Mom has been vomiting this morning and in pain. Its a bad day for her. I once again had to go over with her and dad both about the schedule of the nausea medicine. Every 4 hours but on days like this it can be 3. They replied they thought it was every 6 hours! No, no, no. Days like this I know I am making the right decision moving back in.

I just called over and dad was concerned that mom was not eating today. I asked what has he tried to give her and he said everything. He said she is in pain and did not want to eat. He then said you talk to her and make her eat.

Mom gets on the phone and ask if she has taken the nausea pills. "yes" OK that's good, has it helped "yes"
OK mom then you need to eat. Why do you not want to eat?
"My chest hurts"
"Mom, did you take your pain medicine?"
"No"

grrrrrr........ I tell her to take the pain medicine which will help the pain in her chest. The nausea medicine will not let her get sick from the pain meds.

"OK" just like that.

Dad gets back on phone and said "Well".....oh goodness
I asked him if he had told her to take the pain medicine since she said she was in pain!?!?

"No"

Oh .... count to 100, throw a shoe across the room, hit mute and say a few things aloud.....

"dad, when she is in pain you need to giver her the pain medicine"
"OK"

That's really all I can write about that phone call. I think it sums it up itself.

On a different note, I received a wonderful invite to go join a girl I went to high school with for a pedicure today. Thank you Liz! Had one yesterday plus feeling lousy but it was so sweet. I still can not get over how wonderful so many have been. People I have not seen in years with their kind emails and sweet offers. I love you all for it.

Thursday, June 4, 2009

What to keep and what to throw away?

Today was mom's last radiation treatment for a couple weeks. She deserves a nice break. I have seen improvement with her pain and her movement. Not moving as slow and more energy which I love to see. Glad the break is here, the last two days her back began to burn, which is normal but uncomfortable for her.

I did not go with her today and instead spent afternoon cleaning out their garage. All I can say is ...Crap. I mean my parents just keep everything. They have lived in this house for 8 years I believe. One side of the garage is still full of boxes!!!! Oh, they keep everything. I really expected to open a box and find my first dirty diaper!! I threw away quite a bit. I have a feeling they will both go look in the trash cans and make sure I did not throw away anything "important"

I know I need to start packing things up here at my place but having a hard time even getting started.

The other night I watched the movie He is just not that into you. My girlfriends that went out with me last night are well aware of this because I made a reference to that movie all night. I loved it, thought the ending was cheesy because they all had happy endings but still loved it. Not big on chick flicks but it was good. However, after it was over I found myself thinking...If Anne was watching it with me, she would have found the cutest outfit and cutest guy in the movie. (Greg, don't worry, you are still the cutest in her eyes) If Tara was watching it with me, she would have had some wise choice words about Jennifer Connelly's situation because Tara is my wise friend. If Sarah was watching she would have found a way to bring up that one day I would meet the right one :) and if Ellen was here.... well Ellen and I would drink wine, cry and laugh together. But the one person I enjoy watching these types of movies with the most in my Mom. It seems mom just makes everything better whether it be a movie, or shopping, or yard work. Everything I do with her, I enjoy.

I have received so many emails from family and friends who are reading this blog. I am sorry if I have not written you back. I have been very bad at replying but please know I read each one. It means so much that are so many people who love my mom. Whats not to love? She's beautiful in so many ways.

And to end this entry..... anyone who has a truck or a set of arms that would like to help me move please let me know!! I would like to avoid hiring movers .

Monday, June 1, 2009

Macy's and One Big Heart

I thought I did not feel like writing tonight but here I go again. Having one of those nights where I feel nothing I say or hear is going to make a difference. Opened a corona, sliced a lime, and cuddled up on the couch to watch the movie Taken. Great movie but found myself wishing Liam Nelson was my Pop for one hour and walked in the leasing office with me :)

Movie ended and once again I found myself in deep thought about mom. Tried to not cry and focus on the fact I have the day off tomorrow and what section of their basement I could work on. Suddenly I had a memory of when I moved back to the Lou 2 years ago and found myself looking for room in their house for storage until I moved in my apartment. At the time my mom was working part time at Macy's. She had her full time job but started at Macy's for the discount and to get away from Dad watching tv all day on Saturdays. She loved it. She was in the children's department and had a ball. Here I go walking around the house before the movers showed up looking for empty closets and space, I walk into one guest bedroom and open the closet. I just about died and yelled "Mother" Here she comes and said "well it was all on sale" The closet was full of newborn, baby, toddler, and all the way up to about a 9 nine year old child size. No, really the closet was full. Every time a family member came over, she went in that closet to find the right size. Every time I went to a friends, mom went in that closet to find the right size for their kid. She gave away bags to goodwill, clothes that she would buy and not know someone that needed that size so just gave it away. My father would roll his eyes and complain he was paying Macy's to let my mom work there. What a beautiful person she is. Makes me ask the same question over and over each day.....Why my mom God???

30 Days

I have to be out of my apartment in the next thirty days. I went to the leasing office before going to work today to hand over my written notice. My Pop insisted that he was there. He told me had a few words to say. So, Pop and I walk in and find the new manager along with a woman from the home office. I hand over my notice and ask the new manager for the address of the owners.
" I don't know what it is" That's all, not let me find that info for you, nothing. I continue to stare at her and meanwhile notice the woman who works at the office located at the address I am asking for is offering nothing.
I look at her and say "Ma'am, could you tell me the address"
She looks at me and says "What do you need it for"

Excuse me.... really, not making this up!!!

"Well, ma'am I would like to write a letter to the owners about my disappointment in this situation."

" I will give you the address but they will not change their minds. Do you know how many calls and letters we get about sick moms or family members and death"

OK so I am really wishing my Pop was not standing next to me at this point bc the words and actions that I was holding back were killing me. I did say quite a few things and walked out with Pop right behind me. I look at him and he just looks so sad. He told me he could not believe she just said that statement. I asked him why he did not say what he had planned. He responded "I cant believe she just said that" Poor Pop. He walked me to my car because he said he wanted to make sure I left for work and did not walk back in that office. Probably a good idea he did that.

So I have thirty days to somehow clean out my parents basement, pack up my place, and move it all in. Thirty days sounds like enough time but so much to do at their house before I can even start here.

We were very busy at work today but I snuck away to go down and find mom before her radiation appt. She looked good today. Lipstick was on!!! She has not worn lipstick in a couple weeks and mom never leaves the house without lipstick, so good sign. Left work at 7pm, called mom and she was already in pj's ready for bed. Decided to not go by and see her, instead let her go to bed.

No other updates, just not really in the mood to write today.