Dear Cancer

Dear Cancer,

My Mom always told me if I had something very important to say and could not find the best time to tell the person, a letter was always best. I could write out everything I would want to say. Well cancer I have a lot to say to you. Mom also always told me to never say I hate someone or something, instead say I dislike. I think though this is one case where Mom will let me slide. I hate you cancer, I truly hate you.

You crept into our lives unexpectedly and so quickly. I never thought it would happen to Mom. I still don't understand. How could you find a way into her lungs, a woman who never smoked, a woman who did everything right?

I could go on and on in this letter about how much I hate you. I could keep asking why. I am not going to do that though. Instead I am just going to let you know, you may have taken her but you will not take my spirit, my love for life. You have taken my Mom from me and for that I truly hate you. But you will not take me. Mom would not want that. So while I really just want to lay in bed with covers over my head and cry, I am not going to do so. You will not take my laughter, my smile, my love for life. I am going to get up each day and smile bigger, laugh harder, live more, and think of Mom every single day.

You will lose this fight one day, you have affected far too many lives. We will find a way to beat you one day cancer.

What Now?

Alone for the very first time in this house since it all happened. We have had a houseful for weeks and I cant remember the last time when it just was Mom, Pop, and I here. Now Mom is gone and Pop is driving Aunt Thelma, Uncle Fred, and Kathy Lynn to the airport.

I cant begin to write about all my emotions. The last two days were just exhausting and overwhelming. I wanted to run out the door at the visitation for Mom. I had some wonderful rocks beside my side though. Certain cousins and dear friends are very good at reading my expressions and knew when to come over and take me out for air. I think I said Thank You and OK a million times that day. I admit I did not hear each person talking to me, the words went right over my head. I kept thinking Oh Mom, I need you here.

I arrived early that day. I just had to make sure she would look beautiful for my Pop. I wanted to make sure her lipstick was right and not too much makeup. I knew her hair would look good (thanks Ellen) and wanted to check her outfit. I was able to put her wedding ring on her finger. She looked beautiful and so at peace. Everyone kept telling me how great she looked.

Yesterday was hard. As I drove Kathy Lynn and I to the church, I began to feel sick. How could I be driving to my Mom's funeral? Pastor Ryan walked Pop and I down the isle, sat in the pew, and tears came rolling. Mom had talked to me about what she would like for her funeral. I followed each wish. Pastor Ryan was amazing and I had no doubt he would be. What a wonderful speaker he is. The fact that Ryan knows my family brings such comfort. He spoke from his heart about my Mom. My Pop asked three special people to read bible verses. Moms dear friend Dana, our sweet Anne, and my favorite Peach...Kathy Lynn. I made a few promises to Mom, one being I would speak. I walked up to the pulpit and froze. I remember turning back to Ryan for support. Big hug and a whisper of You can do it, I turned back around and read my speech. Everyone told me I had the whole church in tears, I just asked if they could actually understand the words. At one point in my speech I asked everyone to stand up and hug the person to their left and right because if my Mom was there she would be hugging each of them. I could not even look up to see that moving moment. I was shaking and felt like I would fall walking back down the steps. I said to Kathy, "I think I was shaking" Kathy just smiled and said "Oh honey, yes, your legs were going a mile a minute, your dress was shaking, honey even your hair was shaking but you did it" My Pop walked up to read a favorite poem he and Mom shared. I was so proud of him. It was a very long day.

Kathy Lynn and I went to Fraileys after it all. My Pops side of the family has a bit of a tradition. Fraileys is our spot after each family affair no matter what it is. Kathy Lynn just loves Pops nephews. She has told many times over the last couple days she feels better knowing I have them. When we left Fraileys I began to realize my days would no longer be full of visitors. I have been surrounded for weeks now. I am already not enjoying the quiet house.

So where do I go with this blog. I have grown so attached to it. Each day I would either write or read it. It gave me a way to vent, a way to thank, and a way to keep everyone informed. Do I continue to write about struggles I may have in the next coming weeks? Do I still keep it for days when I want to write about Mom? Do I end it as her fight is over? I have no idea, maybe I will have my answer soon.

I could write pages more of the last two days. Thank you to so many that held me up the last two days... you know who you are!!

I love you Mom!!

She is finally at Peace

My beautiful Mom went to her heavenly home last night. I have written about her battle from the beginning so I feel the I should write about the end.

I apologize to anyone who reads the news. Pop and I have started a pretty big phone tree to spread the word. Phone has been ringing off the hook. Family and friends offered to call many which has helped so much.

Some may not want to read the rest of this blog so will write about the arrangements first. Mom's visitation will be this Sunday from 4-8pm at Schrader Funeral Home on Manchester Road. The funeral will be held on Monday at St. Johns Lutheran Church of Ellisville. A short visitation from 10am-11am followed by the funeral at 11 am. We will then have a buffet lunch at the church and then who ever wishes can proceed to Jefferson Barracks. It will be in the St, Louis Post Dispatch on Saturday and Sunday.

I have to write the rest to get it out. Again, if you do not wish to read about what happened last night please stop now. Last night it was just Pop, Aunt Thelma, and myself. They both went to bed pretty early. Aunt Thelma was a little nervous to go to bed because I was feeling pretty sick. I assured her I would be ok. I wrote on the blog about our earlier in the evening. Watched some bad tv and then chatted online with my dear crush. I went in just a few minutes after midnight to give her medicine. Lights were off except our little nightlight like always. I walked in and said "medicine time Mom" just like always. I knew, I knew the minute the words had left my mouth. I watched her take her last few breaths, I made my feet move fast and pulled back the comforter. I placed my hands in correct position to start CPR and began to sob. I knew she would not want me to start CPR and I fought with myself to listen to her wishes. I am still so troubled over the fact that I did not start it. I know it was the right thing to do but it is killing me. I told her I loved her and she was gone. I have no idea how long I stayed by her side till I went to wake my Pop. I had told myself that I would be so strong for him when it happened and I lost it. I know Pop woke up and saw me, he knew right away. I sunk to my knees in the hallway. I am not sure if Pop woke Aunt Thelma or if she heard us. I went back in her room and changed her clothes. She had on one of her favorite Pillsbury shirts and I wanted to keep it. I then asked Pop for nail polish remover so I could paint her nails pink. I remember Aunt Thelma helping me not get paint all over and Pop kept talking to me. Pop called hospice and Uncle Jimmy. I called Kathy, Tara Rose, David, and Dana. I got sick from then on about 6 times. Uncle Jimmy and Aunt Jo Anne were here in no time. Felt like my cousin David was here five minutes after I called him. I mostly just stayed in David's arms or right beside him. I felt like a little lost girl just looking for someone to take care of me and tell me what to do. Pop was a rock, he in some ways was ready. He has been grieving for awhile, I did not allow myself to do so. Pop told me I had been the strong one and now it was his turn. I could not talk to Hospice. I simply told her to make sure her nails were dry. Pop asked David to take me on a drive while the funeral home came to pick Mom up. I think I repeatedly said I did not want to be here. I knew my strength would only carry me so far. I knew I would stay strong for Mom while she was here and needed me. Now I am lost. I am so lost. I find myself staring off in space and feeling so very numb. Why why why?? How did this happen?

Uncle Jimmy and Aunt Jo Anne left before 4am to go home. David left shortly there after. he told me I could go home with him but we both decided I needed to stay here so I could go with Pop this morning to Schrader. I did not want to leave Davids side. Best hugs ever and he was just so wonderful to me. He looked out for me the whole time he was here, all I had to do was move a foot and he was right there.

Pop, Aunt Thelma and I stayed in the living room. Aunt Thelma fell asleep in the recliner and Pop said he would try to get some sleep. I went to my room but no sleep would come. Kathy Lynn called to check on me about 5am or so and then Anne called. I never did go to sleep, Pop and I were at Scharder at 8:30am.

We are home now with more phone calls. I am just frozen on the couch. I just had to write, I just had to. Anne is on her way. Pop is on the phone non-stop

I cant write much more. Maybe more later.

Thank you for all the support and prayers.

I love you Mom! You fought hard my love. I miss you so much already. I know you are with Ma, Aunt Bertha, and Aunt LoLo. I bet Uncle Mike is right beside you making you laugh your ass off. So much love Mom!!

I just love egg drop soup and facebook

I have been in bed all day. Pop kept coming down to check on me and I know he is getting worried. My side is killing me. Pain has been coming and going last couple of weeks but yesterday it really flared up on me and today hit a peak. I should not be surprised with all the stress, that is one thing that may cause a flare up. I know if I call the Dr she is just going to get on my case about repeating the surgery. Just can not do that right now.

I am so relieved Pop is now comfortable with Moms medicine. I am able to rest and sleep now. I am sure the fact I went about 5 days with 2-3 hours of sleep daily did not help matters. Hospice was here this afternoon. Nurse told Aunt Thelma and Pop she could not believe she was here today. She was off over the weekend and last two days so we had other nurses here. She said Mom was a fighter and shocked she is still here with us.

My sweet Sarah called to check on me and was upset to hear about my side. She is one who knows first hand how sick I was. She does not want me to go through all that mess again. Knows how much I love egg drop soup especially when I am sick so she brought me some this evening. Tonight was the first night she met Aunt Thelma and just loved her. Sarah said she just wanted to close her eyes and listen to her because she reminded her so much of Mom. My close dear friends just adore my Mom. They all have grown so close to her over the years. Sarah wanted to go in and see Mom. She had not been here in a couple of weeks, last time she was here Mom was still talking. Sarah walked in and sat down to talk to her and just broke. I know it is so very hard for everyone to see her like this. I rubbed her back and started telling Mom how Sarah brought me egg drop soup. I know Mom was smiling on the inside and then probably thinking you better not be sick Carrie :)

Once again when I logged into facebook this evening I had many emails. I can not begin to tell y'all how much support I am receiving. If it was not for facebook, so many people that I would never have kept up with or that would never know about Mom. I have people writing me I have not talked to in 20 years. Each one makes me smile and builds me up again. How many offer a shoulder or a night out, I am just so ... whats the word...not sure. It just means so much. When Mom first was diagnosed I would tell her so and so emailed me about her. She would get so tickled by all the support. I am amazed by it and appreciate it so.

I keep hugging Aunt Thelma. She is about the same size as Mom and I swear gives hugs just like Mom. Tonight before she went to bed she said those words we all say in this family. Goodnight, Sweet Dreams, I love you. Gave me a hug and I had a hard time letting go. I wish Mom would just open her eyes and sit up, give me one of those amazing hugs. Oh how I wish I could hear her voice. I miss her so. I know she is still here but its so hard. Nurse compared it to a coma. I hate it and I know she hates it. Maybe she is trying to make it easier for us. Still here but not here. Trying in same way to let us not have her talking. Does that make sense? I don't know, I need to stop trying to figure out what she is holding onto. I could drive myself nuts trying to figure it out. I don't think I will ever grow use to not talking to her, not having her with me. I know she will always be with me but.....

I love you Mom

One hour at a time.....

RV, Forklifts, and of course Raccoons

Anne spent the night last night. We watched a interesting movie called Margot at the Wedding. Anne picked it so I can blame her for wasting 2 hours of our night :) We found humor in it of course but we find humor in everything.

Mom is still the same. No change. I am no longer listening to the nurses. According to two, it would be a miracle if Mom was still with us on Sunday. Here it is Tuesday and still here. Not quite sure what she is holding on to but she is a strong woman and I guess she is not going out without a fight. I miss her. I miss her voice, her laugh, her smile. I miss being able to talk to her on the phone for hours. I believe she can still hear us but its getting harder to sit and talk to her. I want to yell "wake up"

I have slept the last two days. I was wore out and just done. Pop is finally comfortable with helping give her medicine. That is so helpful and a huge load of my shoulders.

My cousin Chad was here with us most of the night. I love talking to Chad. He really listens and while we might be in the middle of a deep talk, he finds a way to make me feel safe and laugh at the same time. Our night consisted of talks about buying a RV, watching youtube videos of four wheelers with many comments from me of "that's something you would do Chad" and of course ending the night watching my raccoons eat. Chad is going to build them a jungle gym in the backyard. ha

Our front door remains unlocked now. Seems this house is never without visitors. I know it helps Pop and I. Mom would yell at us for having everyone over without having the house sparkling clean.

It will be a month this Thursday that Mom has had no food. No water for over a week now. I cant remember when she said I love you last. I do know that was the last thing she said to me. I miss her so. Cant write anymore, tears will start.

I love you Mom
One hour at a time.......

Hope and Fear

Completely focused but drained. Anne came over when she got off work yesterday to stay with me. I had not left Moms room but to get a drink or make sure everyone was okay. I heard the front door open and just knew it was Anne. There she was in the doorway and saw me holding Mom. She walked right over, kicked off her shoes, and cuddled right up next to me. I finally felt safe.

Anne stayed right there with me all night. Greg came over and brought us dinner. He also laid down with us. Mom, Anne, Greg, and I had a slumber party. We watched Clue on the laptop and I know Mom could hear it. She knows how much Anne and I love that movie. I know she was happy to hear our laughter.

Greg went home and Anne and I continued to stay with Mom. Around 1am I told Anne that I felt we needed to go into the living room. After what we were told by the nurses in terms of time, I feel like Mom is waiting for something. I just don't know what. I thought maybe she was waiting for me to leave the room. Maybe in a way she is still looking out for Pop and I. Anne and I came out to the living room. Anne fell asleep around 3 and I stayed awake till 5:30am. I was able to sleep till 8am.

I am exhausted today. No big changes with Mom today. She scared me quite a bit earlier. Each time I walk in that room I have overwhelming feelings of hope and fear all at once. Hope that I will see her chest rise and hear her breathe, fear that I will not.

Pop is a little off today. I am so worried about him. Fadler, Kevin and Toni came today. I was so tempted to tell fadler to throw me in this truck and drive me far far away. I really clung to both Kevin and Fadler when they left. Our dear friend Dana also came this afternoon. Her kindness inspires me. She has been so wonderful to my Pop and I.

I wish I knew what Mom was feeling, what she is thinking. I wish I knew if there was something she is waiting for.

I have more to write and I know it would help to get it all out. I just cant seem to find the right words.

First night where it is just Pop, Aunt Thelma, and myself. I am praying for strength tonight to stay awake and handle what the night may bring. I think I am coming very close to my last leg, I am emotionally so exhausted and physically completely drained. I just wish I could hear her voice to bring me just a little more strength.

I Love You Mom

One minute at a time..........

Goodnight, Sweet Dreams, I Love You

My Mom has said these words to me each night we were together, talked on the phone, etc for as long as I can remember. I love hearing her say it.

Last night was rough. Dana and Robin came over to stay with us. Uncle Jimmy, Aunt JoAnn, Chad, Leslie, and CJ stayed till after 9pm. Kim (angel nurse) called to check on things and after hearing my voice told me she was coming over. She did and walked in the door with her PJ's and told me she would just stay. Kim was able to better explain certain things to Aunt Thelma , Dana , and Robin and she answered each question/concern they had. Pop had fallen asleep on the couch around 7pm and someone told him to just go to bed. He only got up twice last night so I was glad he was able to sleep.

Around 2am, we became concerned with her breathing. It was growing further and further apart. I was sitting on the twin bed in the room just watching her when next thing I know I am up, moving a chair out in the hallway, moved the bedside table, and then moved the twin bed all the way over to Mom's bed. I was crying as I moved everything around, Kim and Dana watched knowing I guess that I just had to do it. I was only focused on being able to hold my Mom. Moved the bed all the over, got in and snuggled right up to Mom. I said"Mom lets go to sleep, Goodnight Sweet Dreams I Love You. I had broke. Really broke. I sang the song she and my Pop both sang to me each night when I was little. I sang You are my sunshine. I could not get all the words out but I know she knew I was singing to her. I cried harder than I had in the last couple of weeks. I just let it all out.

I stayed there all night and fell asleep around 4am. Kim left around 6am. Robin and Dana came in to check on us and left around 7am to go home and get some sleep. Aunt Thelma and fallen asleep in the recliner and I did not want to disturb her. I laid there with Mom and talked her ear off some more. I heard the front door around 8am and thought It would be Uncle Jimmy. There he was, came in and told me to sleep more with my Mom and got the coffee started. I stayed in there with her till almost 2pm today. I slept, I really slept. Held her hand the whole time and even had wonderful dreams.

I know she can still hear me. While it is no longer her eyes that flutter, I know she can still see me. Pop is having a hard time going in to see her. I cant think of anything else I would rather do than be right next to her. Her breathing is continually growing further apart and she is getting cold. I still believe she is not in pain. I got up for a bit just to check on everyone here and saw the laptop. I knew I had to write. I had to remember this last night. I had to remember being able to snuggle up right next to her, take her hand, and fall asleep. I have never slept better. I think she knew how tired I was and helped me sleep so good.

I love you Mom

One minute at a time.....

Not much to say

I did not sleep last night. I could no longer hear Mom well enough on the monitor so I stayed on the twin bed next to her. Watched almost the whole season of Big Brother on fancast while listening to her breathe.

She had a rough night. I increased her pain med to every hour. She is in more pain but I think we have it under control now. Her breathing is awful and to the point where Pop can not stay in room. Its hard to hear.

I could not sleep. Too many times I thought she had gone because of her breathing patterns now. I am numb today. I feel asleep at 7am and awoke to Kim (moms angel nurse) Kim came to see Mom and us before she went to work. She was here last night as well. She really got attached to Mom during her treatment. She has been such a blessing to our family. I got up and told her about last night. Told me I made the right call to increase med. She stayed and had breakfast with us.

Our wonderful friend Dana came over to stay with Aunt Thelma and Mom while Pop and I went to make arrangements. We needed to go. We needed to have it out of the way. One of the hardest things Pop and I have ever done. Surprisingly we both agreed on everything. I feel strongly that Mom would pick out the same. Walked in the door and Dana looked white. She was alarmed about Moms breathing. It is hard to hear and gives you a bad feeling. That deep pit of the stomach feeling while your eyes well up and then you just go numb. Never felt anything like I do the last couple of days. I know what is coming and I worry each time I walk in that room.

Dana and I went shopping when I got home. She told me I needed to go get something to wear. We were back within a hour and a half. Dana jokes she is now a speed shopper because she has two little ones. Dana picked it out and its perfect. Little pink for my mom and I can wear her pearls I love. I could not pick anything out, I was just numb.

Trying to get Pop to get out for a bit. I am worried about him being here when it happens. I know he wants to be here but I wish for him not to be. I don't want him to see. I know I will not be able to pick him up because I will be in my own mess. I just don't want him to see.

Dana told me once again how strong I am being and how wonderful. I keep hearing that word. Strong. I don't feel strong. I really don't. I feel like breaking at any minute. I want to crawl in a dark hole and never come out. But I have to make sure she stays comfortable. I will NOT allow her to be in pain. I have to keep this up a little longer. Cant break just yet.

I love you Mom
One hour at a time....

How does anyone shop for this?

Anne came over when she got off work today. Hospice nurse was till here and no changes with Mom. Pop and I had talked earlier about Anne coming over and what I would ask her to go do with me.

Sat around a bit and then asked Anne if she would go shopping with me for Mom. She said yes of course and off we went. How does one even begin to shop for that outfit. We both had ideas in mind and pretty much on the exact same page. Anne knows Mom's style well and what she would like. Pretty overwhelming and felt like the same day when Anne and I had gone shopping for her party outfit. Lots of maybes and shrugs but we were determined to find the perfect outfit. Went to Macy's and just saw nothing. Walked down to Ann Taylor but that had us both saying yes. Few other stores and then found ourselves back at the White/Black House Market. We both were looking and then Anne pulled it out! I knew the minute she found the jacket. I found the skirt. That is my Mom. Perfect for her.

Pop had told us to find something for me. That did not happen. Instead we went to California Pizza Kitchen so I could have a glass of wine. Anne had a lemon drop martini and she kept me laughing. The plan was after a drink we would continue shopping. I did try, I really did. It just was not the night for me to shop. It wore me out finding a outfit for Mom. So glad Anne went with me and we found the perfect one.

We got home and Pop, Aunt Thelma, and Aunt JoAnne were all sitting around the kitchen table. I pulled it out of the garment bag and was met with smiles and nods from them all. They all agreed it was so Mom and just beautiful.

Feel dazed if I am not with people the last few days. Trying to stay busy and keep people around me. I hate this!

I love you Mom

One hour at a time...........

Burglar and Roger all in one night

I was going to write this at 5am but really felt like I could sleep so here is a funny, sad, and all around odd night at our house late last night.

Aunt Thelma went o bed a little after 10pm. My Pop decided to start shutting his door at night again which is ok due to I will not need to get Mom up anymore for the bathroom. Aunt Thelma wanted to keep her door open so she could hear Mom. I have been sleeping upstairs on the couch for over a month now and still did not want to go to my room last night. Mom coughed a few times but nothing like the night before last. The medicine is really helping control the cough.

Around 2am I was on the couch reading with Georgia Mae snuggled under the covers with me. The back deck is right next to the couch with a big sliding glass door. No steps to get to the deck but a retaining wall is close enough where someone could climb if they had the talent. I heard a big clunk and thought someone just jumped on the deck. Georgia came right out from underneath the covers and jumped on back of couch and her tail was just wagging. First thought came to mind the vase on the coffee table and how I could hit them over the head. ha. I finally sat up to look and expected to see a masked man. I saw something alright. And she did have a black mask over her eyes and I call her Big Momma. My raccoon Big Momma climbed up the deck post and was sitting on the upper deck. I jumped up and saw I had left the empty fruit loop box outside. Big Momma had her head shoved down in the box . Then to my right I noticed one of the babies had also climbed up. I laugh and say oh shit at the same time. Mom happened to cough which made Aunt Thelma get up to look in on her and I came flying down the hallway. "Aunt Thelma, raccoons are on the deck"
She was half asleep and said "downstairs on the patio honey"
'NO, upstairs"
She was awake then and followed me to the kitchen. I turned on the back deck light and there they were just hanging out. Aunt Thelma's hand flew over her mouth to control her giggles. I was trying to not let my mouth drop to the floor. Big Momma sees me at the door, walks right over to it and sits down and gives me a look of "you got any more fruit loops"
Aunt Thelma and I were dying. I asked if I should go out and move the box and Aunt Thelma said Nooooooooo.
Then Aunt Thelma in between her giggles said" your daddy is going to shit" ha. And she did not spell it. They finally climbed down and we both agreed to not tell Pop.

Around 4am I felt like I could sleep. The monitor was right beside me and I felt Mom was comfortable and it would be ok to fall asleep. Almost to dream land and I hear Pop walk in living room. He goes in laundry room and pulls towels out of the dryer and starts folding. ummm.... "uh Pop, what are you doing"
"I just cant sleep"
Ok, so I think he will fold a few towels and go back to bed. He continues to fold and starts taking them to the bathroom. Last load was washcloths and is he starting to head down hallway when he stops, goes to recliner and sits there just holding the washcloths. I don't say anything at first. Living room is dark and I want to sleep. I finally say
"You want to talk Pop"
"No"
You want the tv on"
"No'
"You want something to eat"
"No"
"You want me to talk"
"No"
"You wanna play cards"
"No"
At this point I want to ask if he is aware its 4am and he is sitting in the dark holding washcloths but I bite my tongue. I then thought I should tell him about the raccoons to
1. Make him laugh or
2. Make him get his mind off things

I was just about to tell him when option 3 popped in my mind and I saw his hands flying up and washcloths going everywhere while he yells that the raccoons are taking over the house and the next thing we know, they will start just walking in the patio door. I decided to it was best to not tell him the story.

"Pop, you gotta give me a hint here"
"I just want to sit Carrie, I just want to sit"
After about 15 minutes he got up and went back to bed. Poor Pop.

I know Kathy Lynn is reading this and just dying. My cousin Chad is probably rolling on the floor after reading this because just last night while he was here he joked about them climbing up to the upper deck. My Pop told him he was going to buy a pellet gun. I told Pop unless he wanted a pellet shot in his ass in the middle of the night, he better not touch my raccoons! I know Sarah is going to read this and say"Oh Carrie" :)

I still think its funny. But like I told Chad last night, I now sit up on the upper deck and toss food down so I will not be tempted to let them get so close. It was to the point where they walked right up to me while I sat downstairs patio to feed them. Now Big Momma is climbing up. ha ha ha. I love it. Mom would just get the biggest kick out of this but she would also say not to tell Pop. Pop would kill me for this one.

Ellen just came by and brought us goodies from Psghetti's. Yummy. Uncle Jimmy stopped by. Pop and Aunt Thelma left to go see Uncle Bruce. Nurse should be here in about a hour.

Its a beautiful day out. Wish Mom could get out and enjoy it with me. I love you Mom

One hour at a time............

Stay Strong

I hear my Mom's voice all day and night telling me to stay strong.

Lets start with Pops birthday. It was good. Many calls and warm Birthday wishes. He needed that and so glad so many thought of him.

Hospice nurse came today. I knew late last night that Moms hip was dislocated, I just knew it. I was right. Left hip is dislocated, we knew it was in her bones and being Mom is so tiny and frail it should not come as a surprise. With this deep sleep she is in, we believe she had her leg in a position where she dislocated it. Nurse ordered a mattress that came flat where I could tuck and roll underneath her and then it blows up. This should make her more comfortable. We also went to liquid pain meds that I can give her by syringe. Huge help and much easier for Mom. Also decided to put in a foley which will be all around better for Mom. Nurse stayed almost two hours and it worked out well. Pop was picking up Aunt Thelma at the airport when she arrived so she and I had a good amount of time to talk. I knew what she was going to tell me and I am staying strong.

I know it was hard for Aunt Thelma to see her dear sister like this. There was no one or words to try to prepare her for what she saw but we tried our best. I am just happy she is here and I know Mom knows she is here.

Robin and Dana brought Pop a great birthday meal along with a cake. I know he enjoyed that and he deserved it!!!! Shortly after they left, my cousin Chad, Leslie, and sweet CJ came over to deliver in person Pops birthday card. They stayed awhile with us, we all sat outside and watched my raccoons chow down on Fruit Loops. (Yes I buy them Fruit Loops but its a once a week treat because that box is $3.85 and they eat it all in one night) Dad even watched them but would yell Davey Crockett and talk about what great hats they would make..ha.

Hospice will now be here each day and call each night to check on us. I know it is coming and I will continue to be strong.

She is in a deep sleep and while I miss seeing her eyes open and hearing her voice, I am so thankful she is comfortable. God is taking a true angel back to his house and while I am pissed and confused as to why he needs her now, I know she will always be with me.
I Love you Mom

One hour at a time......

One Peach and a Pumpkin Cheescake Muffin

Pop turned 70 today!! Happy Birthday to my Dad. He is not in the birthday spirit but I cant blame him for that. I went to Starbucks and picked him a pumpkin cheesecake muffin and he loved it. He got a couple of birthday cards in the mail that made him smile. I am hoping he receives a few calls tonight with warm birthday wishes.

Yesterday my cousin David came by. He had K9 training out in the area so he and Otto (best K9 dog ever) stopped by to see Mom. Otto stayed in the car due to the fact he probably would eat our cats and Dad is just scared of him, ha. David had a rough time seeing Mom but he stayed and talked with Pop and I awhile. He saw I needed to get out for a bit so told me to go hang out just for a couple of hours with him. I knew I needed to get out, I have only been to the grocery store since last Thursday. I was nervous to leave Pop but he kept telling me to go. Had some laughs with David and the kids and was back home in a couple hours.

Mom has been in a deep sleep since Monday at 1am. Our dear friend Dana came by to see her today and was troubled how different Mom looked today just from Monday. That tells me a lot. Being that Pop and I see her everyday we sometimes miss the changes. She has developed a awful cough. She coughed all night but slept the whole time. Shortness of breath is becoming more evident. The nurse will be here this afternoon so I know we will have a talk.

Pop is leaving shortly to go pick up my Aunt Thelma from the airport. I cant wait!! She is my moms sister and brings a feeling of love and warmth to this house. I am worried how she will handle seeing Mom like this. She was here a week before Moms party and so much has changed since then. Telling her on the phone is much different than her seeing it in person. I am so worried.

I am starting to feel very numb. My voice is growing softer and while I sit here and talk to our family and friends that stop by, I am being awful at not hearing anything they really say. I just don't understand how my Mom woke up Easter Sunday with pink eye and we are now here. I know I can not keep asking why why why but so hard not to. I just want one more fun Saturday with her. I just want to be in the car, hear my phone ring and hear her voice on the other end. I want one more of her amazing hugs. I want, I want, I want!! I want so much more. Tears are falling so time to stop writing for now.

I love you Mom!!!

One hour at a time.....