Just not ready......

Before you read this blog...if you are a family member I am sorry for my honesty in this one.

As you all know mom started chemo today. She did great!! She got all snuggled and comfy with warm blankets, good magazines, and even ordered lunch (after I told she did not have a choice). At one point she made the comment it was like a spa day. Warm blankets, hand massage, someone offering drinks and snacks every ten minutes.

I waited till 12:55 before leaving her. I work just one floor up and while I knew I was just five minutes away if she needed me, it killed me. My dad showed up right before I went to work. I already knew he could not sit still for three more hours but I crossed my fingers. Kiss mom on her forehead and off I go to work.

Now, I work in MRI. Code to get in our area but our main doors have windows so just by chance if you are watching you can see who is in hall. 1:30.... I see a figure walk by the doors about five times, I already knew!! I watch and boom there is Roger. Oh my dad... looking like a little kid walking back and forth in front of door peeking in. He sees me and just waves. My co-workers all know whats going on so no big deal. I walk out to see him. Now before I tell you the conversation let me go back before I left mom. I look at dad and say
"Pop, she will still get radiation today after chemo"
"Ok Carrie"
I thought he understood... nope.

So back to my dad waving me down. I walk out... "Pop, something wrong"
"No"

"Pop, I am working, whats up"

"I just wanted to let you know that she is going to radiation after chemo today"

I bite down and count to ten because I know its hard for him and he is so overwhelmed. I just smile and say "Ok Pop, go back downstairs and I will call you after work. " Off he goes like a little child.

2:00... phone rings in MRI and I hear "Carrie there is someone waiting for you in the waiting room"
Ok I admit I grunted and thought Pop...grrrrrrrrrrr

So I walk out looking for Pop but find my moms Oncologist nurse. I adore this woman. She has been so wonderful to my mom. I can tell she is fond of her. I see her and lose my breath thinking what has happened. She just looks so damn sad. She begins to tell me about the talk she just had with mom and dad. Again, if you are reading this, it may be hard for some of you. But I am using this blog to vent, therapy tool, and I am sorry if I make anyone upset.
Kim(nurse) went on to tell me she is so concerned about what mom and dad both understand. She said my dad kept using the word remission and how much better mom was going to be.
I have had this concern for a couple of weeks. Dad does not understand or can not accept it. Mom ... I think mom is just shocked. Kim said "Carrie, I don't want to take away their hope but they don't understand".

I know this sounds like I have given up. That is not the case, I am praying for a miracle but I also know what is happening. Stage four, already has spread. I guess I just want my dad to be prepared but at the same time how does one prepare. The Dr's and nurses have both told me what to expect in terms of time. I am not going to write that here. I know what it is. I cant tell my parents and cant write it either. Need to stop writing for a few... promised myself no tears tonight.

Again, I have not told my parents about this blog and plan not to. Please respect that.