Hope and Fear

Completely focused but drained. Anne came over when she got off work yesterday to stay with me. I had not left Moms room but to get a drink or make sure everyone was okay. I heard the front door open and just knew it was Anne. There she was in the doorway and saw me holding Mom. She walked right over, kicked off her shoes, and cuddled right up next to me. I finally felt safe.

Anne stayed right there with me all night. Greg came over and brought us dinner. He also laid down with us. Mom, Anne, Greg, and I had a slumber party. We watched Clue on the laptop and I know Mom could hear it. She knows how much Anne and I love that movie. I know she was happy to hear our laughter.

Greg went home and Anne and I continued to stay with Mom. Around 1am I told Anne that I felt we needed to go into the living room. After what we were told by the nurses in terms of time, I feel like Mom is waiting for something. I just don't know what. I thought maybe she was waiting for me to leave the room. Maybe in a way she is still looking out for Pop and I. Anne and I came out to the living room. Anne fell asleep around 3 and I stayed awake till 5:30am. I was able to sleep till 8am.

I am exhausted today. No big changes with Mom today. She scared me quite a bit earlier. Each time I walk in that room I have overwhelming feelings of hope and fear all at once. Hope that I will see her chest rise and hear her breathe, fear that I will not.

Pop is a little off today. I am so worried about him. Fadler, Kevin and Toni came today. I was so tempted to tell fadler to throw me in this truck and drive me far far away. I really clung to both Kevin and Fadler when they left. Our dear friend Dana also came this afternoon. Her kindness inspires me. She has been so wonderful to my Pop and I.

I wish I knew what Mom was feeling, what she is thinking. I wish I knew if there was something she is waiting for.

I have more to write and I know it would help to get it all out. I just cant seem to find the right words.

First night where it is just Pop, Aunt Thelma, and myself. I am praying for strength tonight to stay awake and handle what the night may bring. I think I am coming very close to my last leg, I am emotionally so exhausted and physically completely drained. I just wish I could hear her voice to bring me just a little more strength.

I Love You Mom

One minute at a time..........