She is finally at Peace

My beautiful Mom went to her heavenly home last night. I have written about her battle from the beginning so I feel the I should write about the end.

I apologize to anyone who reads the news. Pop and I have started a pretty big phone tree to spread the word. Phone has been ringing off the hook. Family and friends offered to call many which has helped so much.

Some may not want to read the rest of this blog so will write about the arrangements first. Mom's visitation will be this Sunday from 4-8pm at Schrader Funeral Home on Manchester Road. The funeral will be held on Monday at St. Johns Lutheran Church of Ellisville. A short visitation from 10am-11am followed by the funeral at 11 am. We will then have a buffet lunch at the church and then who ever wishes can proceed to Jefferson Barracks. It will be in the St, Louis Post Dispatch on Saturday and Sunday.

I have to write the rest to get it out. Again, if you do not wish to read about what happened last night please stop now. Last night it was just Pop, Aunt Thelma, and myself. They both went to bed pretty early. Aunt Thelma was a little nervous to go to bed because I was feeling pretty sick. I assured her I would be ok. I wrote on the blog about our earlier in the evening. Watched some bad tv and then chatted online with my dear crush. I went in just a few minutes after midnight to give her medicine. Lights were off except our little nightlight like always. I walked in and said "medicine time Mom" just like always. I knew, I knew the minute the words had left my mouth. I watched her take her last few breaths, I made my feet move fast and pulled back the comforter. I placed my hands in correct position to start CPR and began to sob. I knew she would not want me to start CPR and I fought with myself to listen to her wishes. I am still so troubled over the fact that I did not start it. I know it was the right thing to do but it is killing me. I told her I loved her and she was gone. I have no idea how long I stayed by her side till I went to wake my Pop. I had told myself that I would be so strong for him when it happened and I lost it. I know Pop woke up and saw me, he knew right away. I sunk to my knees in the hallway. I am not sure if Pop woke Aunt Thelma or if she heard us. I went back in her room and changed her clothes. She had on one of her favorite Pillsbury shirts and I wanted to keep it. I then asked Pop for nail polish remover so I could paint her nails pink. I remember Aunt Thelma helping me not get paint all over and Pop kept talking to me. Pop called hospice and Uncle Jimmy. I called Kathy, Tara Rose, David, and Dana. I got sick from then on about 6 times. Uncle Jimmy and Aunt Jo Anne were here in no time. Felt like my cousin David was here five minutes after I called him. I mostly just stayed in David's arms or right beside him. I felt like a little lost girl just looking for someone to take care of me and tell me what to do. Pop was a rock, he in some ways was ready. He has been grieving for awhile, I did not allow myself to do so. Pop told me I had been the strong one and now it was his turn. I could not talk to Hospice. I simply told her to make sure her nails were dry. Pop asked David to take me on a drive while the funeral home came to pick Mom up. I think I repeatedly said I did not want to be here. I knew my strength would only carry me so far. I knew I would stay strong for Mom while she was here and needed me. Now I am lost. I am so lost. I find myself staring off in space and feeling so very numb. Why why why?? How did this happen?

Uncle Jimmy and Aunt Jo Anne left before 4am to go home. David left shortly there after. he told me I could go home with him but we both decided I needed to stay here so I could go with Pop this morning to Schrader. I did not want to leave Davids side. Best hugs ever and he was just so wonderful to me. He looked out for me the whole time he was here, all I had to do was move a foot and he was right there.

Pop, Aunt Thelma and I stayed in the living room. Aunt Thelma fell asleep in the recliner and Pop said he would try to get some sleep. I went to my room but no sleep would come. Kathy Lynn called to check on me about 5am or so and then Anne called. I never did go to sleep, Pop and I were at Scharder at 8:30am.

We are home now with more phone calls. I am just frozen on the couch. I just had to write, I just had to. Anne is on her way. Pop is on the phone non-stop

I cant write much more. Maybe more later.

Thank you for all the support and prayers.

I love you Mom! You fought hard my love. I miss you so much already. I know you are with Ma, Aunt Bertha, and Aunt LoLo. I bet Uncle Mike is right beside you making you laugh your ass off. So much love Mom!!