Not much to say

I did not sleep last night. I could no longer hear Mom well enough on the monitor so I stayed on the twin bed next to her. Watched almost the whole season of Big Brother on fancast while listening to her breathe.

She had a rough night. I increased her pain med to every hour. She is in more pain but I think we have it under control now. Her breathing is awful and to the point where Pop can not stay in room. Its hard to hear.

I could not sleep. Too many times I thought she had gone because of her breathing patterns now. I am numb today. I feel asleep at 7am and awoke to Kim (moms angel nurse) Kim came to see Mom and us before she went to work. She was here last night as well. She really got attached to Mom during her treatment. She has been such a blessing to our family. I got up and told her about last night. Told me I made the right call to increase med. She stayed and had breakfast with us.

Our wonderful friend Dana came over to stay with Aunt Thelma and Mom while Pop and I went to make arrangements. We needed to go. We needed to have it out of the way. One of the hardest things Pop and I have ever done. Surprisingly we both agreed on everything. I feel strongly that Mom would pick out the same. Walked in the door and Dana looked white. She was alarmed about Moms breathing. It is hard to hear and gives you a bad feeling. That deep pit of the stomach feeling while your eyes well up and then you just go numb. Never felt anything like I do the last couple of days. I know what is coming and I worry each time I walk in that room.

Dana and I went shopping when I got home. She told me I needed to go get something to wear. We were back within a hour and a half. Dana jokes she is now a speed shopper because she has two little ones. Dana picked it out and its perfect. Little pink for my mom and I can wear her pearls I love. I could not pick anything out, I was just numb.

Trying to get Pop to get out for a bit. I am worried about him being here when it happens. I know he wants to be here but I wish for him not to be. I don't want him to see. I know I will not be able to pick him up because I will be in my own mess. I just don't want him to see.

Dana told me once again how strong I am being and how wonderful. I keep hearing that word. Strong. I don't feel strong. I really don't. I feel like breaking at any minute. I want to crawl in a dark hole and never come out. But I have to make sure she stays comfortable. I will NOT allow her to be in pain. I have to keep this up a little longer. Cant break just yet.

I love you Mom
One hour at a time....