What Now?

Alone for the very first time in this house since it all happened. We have had a houseful for weeks and I cant remember the last time when it just was Mom, Pop, and I here. Now Mom is gone and Pop is driving Aunt Thelma, Uncle Fred, and Kathy Lynn to the airport.

I cant begin to write about all my emotions. The last two days were just exhausting and overwhelming. I wanted to run out the door at the visitation for Mom. I had some wonderful rocks beside my side though. Certain cousins and dear friends are very good at reading my expressions and knew when to come over and take me out for air. I think I said Thank You and OK a million times that day. I admit I did not hear each person talking to me, the words went right over my head. I kept thinking Oh Mom, I need you here.

I arrived early that day. I just had to make sure she would look beautiful for my Pop. I wanted to make sure her lipstick was right and not too much makeup. I knew her hair would look good (thanks Ellen) and wanted to check her outfit. I was able to put her wedding ring on her finger. She looked beautiful and so at peace. Everyone kept telling me how great she looked.

Yesterday was hard. As I drove Kathy Lynn and I to the church, I began to feel sick. How could I be driving to my Mom's funeral? Pastor Ryan walked Pop and I down the isle, sat in the pew, and tears came rolling. Mom had talked to me about what she would like for her funeral. I followed each wish. Pastor Ryan was amazing and I had no doubt he would be. What a wonderful speaker he is. The fact that Ryan knows my family brings such comfort. He spoke from his heart about my Mom. My Pop asked three special people to read bible verses. Moms dear friend Dana, our sweet Anne, and my favorite Peach...Kathy Lynn. I made a few promises to Mom, one being I would speak. I walked up to the pulpit and froze. I remember turning back to Ryan for support. Big hug and a whisper of You can do it, I turned back around and read my speech. Everyone told me I had the whole church in tears, I just asked if they could actually understand the words. At one point in my speech I asked everyone to stand up and hug the person to their left and right because if my Mom was there she would be hugging each of them. I could not even look up to see that moving moment. I was shaking and felt like I would fall walking back down the steps. I said to Kathy, "I think I was shaking" Kathy just smiled and said "Oh honey, yes, your legs were going a mile a minute, your dress was shaking, honey even your hair was shaking but you did it" My Pop walked up to read a favorite poem he and Mom shared. I was so proud of him. It was a very long day.

Kathy Lynn and I went to Fraileys after it all. My Pops side of the family has a bit of a tradition. Fraileys is our spot after each family affair no matter what it is. Kathy Lynn just loves Pops nephews. She has told many times over the last couple days she feels better knowing I have them. When we left Fraileys I began to realize my days would no longer be full of visitors. I have been surrounded for weeks now. I am already not enjoying the quiet house.

So where do I go with this blog. I have grown so attached to it. Each day I would either write or read it. It gave me a way to vent, a way to thank, and a way to keep everyone informed. Do I continue to write about struggles I may have in the next coming weeks? Do I still keep it for days when I want to write about Mom? Do I end it as her fight is over? I have no idea, maybe I will have my answer soon.

I could write pages more of the last two days. Thank you to so many that held me up the last two days... you know who you are!!

I love you Mom!!