Are you there God... It's me Carrie and Pop

So, I am just wondering if the big man upstairs is listening or just really busy. I would like to ask him to give my Pop and I a break. I mean really... can you back off just a little? If this is some test can we have a make up day?

Dad and I go see Uncle Bruce today. I have been avoiding it simply because I know my uncle, I know the minute we were to walk in the room he would demand to go home. How do you tell a loved one they can not go home? Plus if you knew my Uncle... how the hell do you tell him? He looked good, sitting on the edge of the bed just like I expected and the minute I walk in the room I hear the famous "hey darling" That pleasant voice did not last long as he continued to ask why I would not take him home. I went to the nurse and asked her to page the social worker I had spoke with. I asked her how Bruce had been and she looked me up and down and said fine. Okay... so maybe I looked like a mess. I admit, I have no clue where half my clothes are, I have no desire to fix my hair, and quite frankly I look like a girl who just cries all the time. Picture this... me, white cotton long skirt you wear to the beach( I was dreaming when I put it on) gray Texas football t-shirt and my hair... well lets just say it was up. Did it look like a mess... most likely. Did I care... nope.

So social worker comes and tells me .. well, shitty news. She called 30 long term care facility's and only 2 agreed to Uncle Bruce. Really????? yep. So I should add the fact, I went to school for gerontology and quite frankly I am very picky. I hated the two right away. hated them. No LTC will accept Bruce bc of his history and high elopement risk. I knew this would happen. I look at Pop who at this point is in his own world worried about mom and continue to drill the social worker about other options. She at one point told me I was too picky. Really??? You think???

So here we are ..... my mom would not agree to these terms if she was well. How do I?? At same point I can not move right back out and take my Uncle with me bc mom needs me home with her. Pop broke today. He really broke. I don't understand why this is all happening at once. Somehow I need to make a decision about where my Uncle should go by tomorrow. I have called family and asked their advice but at the same time, they have not seen him. They don't know how he is. They don't know what we have been dealing with. Not their fault... they live in Georgia....just shit. I mean I just want to say crap. Why cant I have a week to really look at things and make the best decision. Hospital wants to discharge him tomorrow... what time that gives me.

And mom.... well mom looks sick. She just plain out looks bad. They want to do a MRI of her brain again. I know what that means.

Pop really broke tonight. I finally called my friend Sarah and said I needed to get out. Thank God she lives four minutes away. First time in a week I have called a friend for help.

I have no idea what this entry is even about.... I cant put my Uncle in a nursing home even though I know that is what needs to happen now.... I cant stand to walk in moms hospital room and see this frail sick beautifful woman that I love so dearly. I guess I am asking God to give us a break....please. I know I am mad at you.... frustrated at why this is happening... but give us a break, please.