Watermelon and 110

There have been so many times since last Thursday that I have started a new entry and could not find the words to finish a sentence. Mom has been home since last Thursday. She is so relieved to be here and so much more comfortable to be in her own home.

I do not want her anywhere else but here as well but its a struggle. She sleeps probably about 18-21 hours a day. She is so weak and so very frail. It kills me to watch her walk down the hallway because I know it wears her out. We are having a hard time in the food department. Right now it is so important to make sure she eats....its a hard task. She has lost her taste for sweets. Food must be soft right now. Nothing seems to taste good to her and not make her feel nausea. On Father's Day, my dad went to my cousin Davids and he brought home food for us. Mom truly ate that day. She had tenderloin, baked beans, and watermelon. The watermelon was a hit. She was still eating watermelon last night.

Her pain is getting worse. That is one of the hardest to watch. I hate it. I hate knowing she is pain and nothing I can do to take it away. I am not as bothered by her sleeping like my dad. He hates that she sleeps so much. He just wants her awake and walking, of course I want that but I know between her body and the meds, she is going to sleep.

Friday evening my cousin Robin, Dana, Kristin, and my Uncle Earl came to see her. She did well. She enjoys visits. Uncle Jimmy has brought his homemade potato soup. Sunday, my Aunt Diana, cousin Steve and Stevie came. At one point they said they were going to leave so she could rest and she said no. Visits are good for her because well, my mom loves everyone but it keeps her up. Last night cousins Denny and Jenny brought over Sybergs pasta. Mom had not tried pasta yet and it seemed to work.

I am still just in shock that on Easter Sunday my mom woke up with pink eye and we went to this. How did it happen like this? I hate how frail she is. I hate that she looks sick. Last few days have been hard between Pop and I. Getting tense and I am trying hard to not let that happen. He is getting angry because he feels I am hiding things I know from him. I am not hiding.. I truly am protecting him. Pop is in denial and just cant yet accept what is happening. My mom asked me to talk Sunday with her. She is worried about Pop and how he is going to handle what is coming. She also told me she is at peace with it. I did not know she was ready to have this conversation... I was not.

Today she woke up and weighed herself. She had dropped to 110. She felt extremely weak so we called Kim (angel on earth who works as a nurse) to ask if we could come in and get fluids. After talking to Kim, it was decided we would also perform a ct scan today. After the Dr. saw her it was decided we would set up a MRI of brain tomorrow.

Mom has decided to stop chemo. I am ok with that. We will find out results of the scan tomorrow and hopefully hear it has not spread.

Feels like months have passed since we brought mom home just last Thursday. Cancer is a bitch....it has just taken her too fast.

So, this is why I have not written last few days. I feel I have no good news to share except she really ate watermelon.

Side note for those who know about Uncle Bruce... I did admit him to a long term care facility and hate it. Hate it. In my opinion it is a temporary solution and he will be with me soon. My dear cousin David went with me yesterday to his home. It was trashed. Horrible. David told me to take the pictures I wanted and I would never come back. Home is going in foreclosure which is the best. I have him unlisted in the facility so those people cant find him. I am trying my best to make sure he is ok but I did not go see him yesterday or today. I am trying my best to make sure that does not happen again. I do not want two days to go by that I do not see him. I promised my mom he will be taken care of and I will fulfil that promise.