Same Bed... New Room, well sort of

This post is going to make me sound like a bad daughter, a depressed daughter. and a all around confused daughter.

Mom went in hospital Monday as many know. She is still there. Now ask me how many times have I been? First, I had a fever and cold symptoms that I did not want to risk giving to her. By Wednesday, I knew I had pancreatis again. I had been at my dads since Monday bc the AC went out in my apartment and found myself on the couch in pain and crying at the drop of a second. My cousin Scott helped Friday by moving boxes and some furniture to make the load lighter on Saturday. I don't know how I was able to help Saturday. From Monday till today I have been a mess. I feel sick, my side is killing me, and I cant stop crying about my mom.

I guess it has finally hit me. My mom is sick and I there is nothing I can do to save her. I guess I am having a selfish week by being sick and crying. I have been so good about not crying and just getting things done. Maybe I have just exhausted myself. All I know is I want my mom. She has always been the one to make it better and now I need to try to make it better for her.

When I was in third grade, my best friends (my sisters in my heart) moved to south county. I was devastated. South county sounded like another state and what was I going to do without them. Mom was there, she hugged me, told me it would be ok. I was ok because mom was there.

When I was starting high school with braces and thought life would be over. I was suppose to have them off before starting high school... freshman with braces!!! But once again, was fine. Mom was there to tell me what every daughter needs to hear.

When I made life miserable for my parents when I was about 17 by making the wrong choices... once again, Mom was there. Pop was disgusted with me and our relationship has always been different since but my mom... my mom loved me no matter what.

When I came to my mom and told her I was moving to Dallas, I saw true sadness in her eyes. She knew I was going for the wrong reasons with the wrong guy. But once again, if my mom saw me smiling she would stand by. So when I called mom everyday from Dallas, she never once told me the mistake I had made. She waited for me to say I was ready to come home. And when I finally did, she was there. Came back to St. Louis feeling lost bc I left a great job and felt like I was taking ten steps back but mom was there.

When I continued to get sick and the Dr's could not figure out what was wrong, mom never gave up. I did, I was convinced after too many surgeries and too many tests they would never figure it out and I would be in pain. Mom never gave up and with her help I found a wonderful Dr who finally figured it out and with his help finally had the correct surgery.

When just this year I had my heart broken, mom was there. I thought I had found the man I would marry and while my mom disagreed she never said a word. Once again My mom just waited right by my side to catch me when I fell and to lift me up again.

She has always been there. I have been thinking of that each day this week and trying to somehow figure out what I am going to do without her by my side.

So, I am having that week. That week, where all I do is cry and wonder how I will ever make it without the person who loves me more than life and has always been there.