Made it 18 hours or so without crying

Home from hospital. This visit did not go well. Pop asked if I would go have dinner with him before going to the hospital. He felt neither one of us have been eating and thought we should go out. I suggested El Nopal and surprisingly he agreed. (Sarah, it was packed.. I looked for Jim and Nancy)

Awkward dinner.. I was quiet. Pop was quiet. We finally started to talk but ended up talking about Uncle Bruce so my eyes welled up again. Last night Uncle Bruce called me. It was so sad. After hanging up with him I just can't place him somewhere. Can't do it. So I asked Pop if we could move Uncle Bruce in with us. Very surprised that Pop did not look at me like a idiot and said "is that what you want" I said yes... I told Pop that when the time comes that I move back out, I will take Uncle Bruce with me. Told him that I would never put him or mom in long term care so how could I do that to Uncle Bruce. He has agreed to think about it. I know it sounds insane but I love my Uncle.

Walk into moms room and just started crying. She did not look good today. Placed the port today so she was sore. She just looked so frail and sick. I could not stop the tears from rolling down my cheeks. Was not sobbing, just constant tears falling. Don't think she could tell because she could barely keep her eyes open but Pop saw it. I laid with her for a bit and she just kept telling me I smelled good. She fell asleep, Pop decided we should go and let her sleep. She woke to tell us by and said the same thing she has said to me every night since I was little... Goodnight, Sweet Dreams, I love you.

They have decided not to do chemo tomorrow and wait one week. We are hoping she can come home in three days or so. I want her home so much.

Ride home was awful. Pop broke. He started sobbing and telling me we have to stay positive. I don't remember saying anything but "pull over and let me drive" I must have said it five times and finally gave up. I have seen my Pop cry like that once in my life. It was at Aunt Lo Lo's funeral and it was horrible to hear and see. I told him I was sorry that I had been so tearful the last week. I was mad at myself for crying in front of him because I had been the strong one when this started and now I am just losing it. He told me it was OK, he knew that I needed some crying time and I would get that strong part back.

I hope that strong part is coming back. I actually answered the phone today when Tara, Sarah, and Fadler called. I had not been answering bc I knew when I heard my friends I would just start crying. I did good. Cried a little with Fadler and he let me.. he acted like he did not know. Cried harder with Sarah bc who knows. It takes nothing for me to cry.

So...guess the crying spell is not quite over. This just sucks.