2009

I absolutely hate this year. It is the worst year I have ever had and hope I never come close to have another like it. Year started off heartbreaking when Drew and I broke up and then we find out for a unexplainable reason my Mom is sick.

I was able to fall asleep on the couch this morning about 5am. I was not comfortable with going downstairs to my room. The monitor has been a huge help but at the same time if I hear one noise I am running in to check on her. Most of the time its one of the cats jumping on her bed. Wiggles rarely leaves her bed anymore. Pop woke me up and told me he needed help. Once trying to assist her to the bathroom was hard. I had decided to go to work today so Pop told me to go down to my room and sleep for two more hours. He woke me when the Hospice nurse arrived.

Pop's two nieces stayed with him and Mom today while I went to work. I did not want to leave.

Mom has become confused and is hallucinating. This is very hard to watch. Over the years at work I have dealt with this behavior but not the same when it is your Mom. At times she will take her meds and fall right back asleep but then we have the moments where she is upset we woke her. I hate to wake her if she is comfortable but at the same time certain meds are helping ease her pain and make her able to sleep.

A hour ago I went to give her some meds. I am not sure she knew who I was. Eye contact is becoming harder. I told her what I was giving her and placed the pill in her mouth followed by the straw. She would not take the water and I said "Mom please take a sip"
She pushed my hand away and said "You are being a little B"
She did take the water and I covered her back up and made my way into the hallway before the tears came. She called me a B. If you know my mom, you know she spells her curse words. She was calling me a bitch and it broke my heart. My mom has never spoke to me that way. Never my mom. I am not sure what hurt more...that she called me that but knowing she is confused or that she called me a bitch in her way. Still being my mom by saying "B"

Pop went to bed about 9:30pm. He asked if I was going to handle the night shift. I said of course and he put his head down. Told me he was sorry that I have not really had sleep in the last 5 days. My body is adjusting to it and I have to do it. I just have to do this for her.

I hate this confusion and I hate not being able to talk to her. I hope I have no memory of these last few days, I hate them.

My coworkers were great today just like always. At this point if I showed up and walked in the control room and cried my entire shift without working at all, I think they would just hand me tissues with a warm blanket. I did go today but I did call my Pop 3 times while I was there. I only worked 3pm-7pm. I saw Dr. Good looking aka Dr. Gorgeous aka Dr. I get nervous around you aka Dr. Why do you have to be happily married with three kids. Great guy and he was the one who performed Moms biopsy so he has a soft spot for me now. Has given me great advice over the months and always asks about her. Today he was more concerned about me. Told me in a very polite but serious way that basically I look like hell and I need to start taking care of myself. He is right. Hair just thrown up on my head, will not even get on a scale and see what I have gained, and I basically look like a raccoon from lack of sleep and tears.

My cousins Kathy Lynn and Michelle fly in Friday from Georgia. Can only stay the weekend and I know its going to be hard to let Kathy Lynn go back. She is my rock. My cousin on my Pops side is getting married on Saturday. I want to go and celebrate this beautiful day with her but just not sure I will be able to go. I would still need to go buy a dress and I will not even leave the house right now to run down the road for a diet coke. Pop is leaving more and more during the day. I am ok with that. I just wish he was going out to lunch with someone or talking with someone about all this.

I am getting better and better about calling people and answering the phone. Times like this it is hard. 1:30 am and who can you really call to talk. I did text my .. well I call him my "crush" a bit ago. He always has a reply that makes me smile. He called back though and was having a good time out. I think I made him feel bad because I said something along the lines of I just wanted a reason to smile and that tonight was rough. I felt bad that in the middle of his fun night out he had me aka debbie downer text. I hate that I am that person now. I was always the "fun" one. Always ready to go out, always with a smile. Now I only feel like going to a few friends houses and show up in scrub pants and a tshirt. Since Sunday I will not leave her at all.

I hate 2009. I really hate that today in the gift shop at work I noticed they had Halloween decor out. Holidays are fast approaching. What are Pop and I going to do?

One hour at a time...............