I hate you Cancer

For those family members and close friends that have expressed they have a hard time reading about bad days, stop now and do not continue. This is a tough one guys.

Hospice nurse came. She was wonderful and I liked her right away. Mom heard the doorbell so I went to check on her and of course she wanted to come and go over the initial paperwork. She had been up earlier today when her good friend Dana stopped by. Dana brought homemade chicken soup for Mom, pulled pork for Pop and a gift card for me to go get a pedicure. She is just AWESOME!! I did not like the way Mom looked while Dana was here and had a bad feeling. Mom ended up getting quite sick. She had been asleep since until the nurse arrived.

We begin by going over Mom's health history... very short. She has always been so healthy, it was obvious the nurse was in shock of how healthy Mom was before all this. About five minutes in the conversation, I notice Mom is just not looking right. I stop and ask if she wants to go back to bed. Right away I heard her soft yes and I begin to help her up. She turns to the nurse and says in her little soft voice "It was nice to meet you, I hope to see you again" Never forgets her manners, my mom. I tuck her in and come back to finish the paperwork with nurse and Pop. I knew Pop was breaking, he was flustered and then she asked the question. Was Mom a DNR. Shit. Shit Shit. I know she has to know and I understand that. I glance to Pop and ask if I can go get the document, he broke. Oh did he break. He got up and went in his office. I apologized to this sweet nurse and she just patted my hand and told me it was ok. She then asked if I worked in the health care field, I said yes. She asked if I was a RN and I told her the brief story of starting an then switching to radiology and now I am confused. She grabbed my hand and said "Honey, you need to be a nurse. You are one, you need to go back"
Like I said, I liked her from the start.
Pop finally came back and he did bring the DNR paperwork. By that time, Caroline (nurse) and I were already discussing the hospital bed. Pop broke again, I explained that we could put a bed right next to it and he could still sleep by her. He looked at Caroline like a little boy and said "is that ok"
Oh man this was tough. Caroline was wonderful though and really talked to Pop. I found that I did not cry once. Not once. I sat there and reviewed everything, went over the meds, went over what pain meds worked and which made her ill. Then we began to talk about when and if Mom started to refuse meds or food. Caroline told us it is normal, that is usually the next step and we just need to make her comfortable and not push anything on her. I did not even have to look, I already knew Pop was crying once again.

Caroline asked to go in and see mom. Mom barely woke while she listened to her lungs. She turned and asked me if I had listened lately. I told her I pulled out my stethoscope 2 weeks ago and put it right back in the drawer after listening. She smiled sweetly and I knew she understood. She held Moms hand and told her to sleep and she would be praying for her. I wish she would be Moms nurse but she is the intake nurse.

She hugged us goodbye and then Pop asked. I was hoping he would not with all his crying already. I will not go into details to spare some tears I am already causing but her answer was if anyone wants to see Mom, they should do so now.

After she left, I told Pop to go see Uncle Jimmy or get ice cream. He would not leave. I laid down on the couch and watched Hells Kitchen on the computer with my phone on my chest just staring. Fadler had called earlier and told me he would call first before coming. He said he would be here before 6 and when the clock read 5:15, I wanted to cry thinking he is not coming. 2 minutes later, the doorbell rings and I have never jumped off the couch so fast. There is Fadler with a big bag of veggies from his garden and that sneaky smirk. He looked at Pop and I and just knew. "What are you two doing, whats for dinner.. Roger, you did not make this little shit cook"
I love how one person can make this house feel home again. I tell Fadler its better he just go in and see Mom while she is in bed and walk back with him. He walks in and her eyes start to open, that twinkle came back the minute she saw him. Man she has a soft spot for Fadler. I hear that boom voice "Hey Mom" and he leans right over to hug her. I left the room to give them some time alone. He stayed in there for about 15 minutes with her. I peeked in at one point and he had the chair right beside the bed just talking away.

I am not going to write if I have ever seen Fadler cry before. He would kill me. But it broke my heart when he came walking down the hall. Pop and I both were sitting in the kitchen. He walked over, flipped my hair around and had a seat. We began talking about Rugby. He is playing, Pop and I get a kick out of hearing Fadler's stories. This was more about the injuries he has caused.. to others of course.

I walked him out to the truck and then the tears came. I just started crying. I would not let go and just kept asking when are you coming back. He hugged me tight and said "Mom told me to take care of you" Oh like that was going to make me stop crying. He will be back Monday ...with good stories for Pop and I being that he has a rugby tournament this weekend.

After Fadler left, I once again tried to get Pop to go do something. He left a bit ago, would only say he needed to be alone and wanted to go for a drive.

This was a very hard day. Very hard on Pop. Mom continues to sleep. Pop is out driving. I am wishing my brother was still here or my cousin Jim or Scottie or Uncle Jimmy or cousin David... I need those big strong men in my life with those great hugs. I hate you cancer.. I really hate you.

One day at a time.........