Honest Blog

Some may not want to read this entry and I am going to guess I will make some upset as well. I will start with the appointment today with mom's Dr. They gave her a bag of fluids and we will be going back each day this week for fluids. Going to small office in Sunset Hills and not the hospital. Same distance driving but less walking and faster to get her in and out.
Dr. basically told us it was in our hands now when to call hospice in. Pop did not break but I was worried to leave when I left for work today. I am not sure Pop will make the call, I have a feeling I will. I would rather hospice come in now and that way we would not have to take her to get fluids everyday. At the same time, it is so nice to have her leave the house but that is me being selfish. I hate that we have hit the point where all she does is stay in bed.

I was so excited for work last night. However when it came time to leave today, I called my boss and said I would be there when I got there. I am so lucky to have the boss and co-workers I do. I basically have a window to come in between 11-3pm each shift and leave at 7pm. I was very quiet at work today and co-workers picked up on it right away. I finally told Angela and Becky what was happening and that we got the green light for hospice.

Feeling pretty numb. Feeling pretty pissed too. I know mom wanted that party so she could see everyone. I know it was a time where she still felt well enough to see everyone and it was a great day. I am just going to say it. I know some are going to be hurt or pissed at me. I don't care, I care about two people right now and that's Mom and Pop. So many have told us when this all started they were going to be there. They were going to come see her. Where are you? Where? Uncle Jimmy and Aunt JoAnn are always wanting to come see her. Her very dear friends Donna and Harry call and ask to come. I admit right now she is so sick, she will not leave bed. I know she does not want to see people. How many of you know that though.? How many of you have called lately to check on her? How many of you that were going to be here once a week have actually been here at all? Yep I am saying all this, I am mad. Maybe I am mad about so much everything is coming out. Maybe I am wrong to write this but right now I am mad at you that have not been here. And I don't want calls or emails from you that ask if this entry was directed at you...if you feel a need to ask well there is your answer. Maybe she may not want visitors but what about Pop. We all know my Pop is not going to call and ask to get out, he needs you. My friends have been amazing...AMAZING! They always call, they always text, and they are always telling me to get out. Who is doing that for Pop? I wish Georgia family was here bc I know it would be different. She would let her sisters come. They would be checking on Dad. This entry is not directed at family in Georgia. I would like you each to think about what Mom and Pop have done for you in your life. I am sure it was quite a bit. Where are you now? Be mad at me for writing, stay mad if you need to. I am the one who said it. Its not coming from them.

I also realize I am back in my angry mode. I am very pissed this is all happening. Maybe I am directing my angry at the wrong things. I am feeling so many emotions right now. I am pissed and I am hurt and just hate this. I just wish it would all go away. I wish I had one day with her again...one of our days filled with shopping, lunch, and so much laughter. I am pissed I will never have that day again. I am just pissed at it all.

I better stop writing before I have every one hating me for my very pissed off mood and who knows what else I may write at this point.

One day at a time...............