Could sleep for Days..........

Only yesterday I had Kathy Lynn and Michelle here. We had a houseful in the morning. By late afternoon Pop had taken Kathy and Michelle to the airport and I was in a quiet empty house. It is easy to not focus on what is happening here when we have a houseful of loved ones. Uncle Jimmy and "the crew" put in a new garage door opener for Pop and trimmed the lawn. Kevin and Toni stopped by with a box of doughnuts. Tara came with Aiden and Ava along with food for Pop and I. She brought a key lime pie that is to die for. The morning was good and I enjoyed having everyone here. But as soon as they had left and Pop drove off with Kathy and Michelle, the waterworks started and I went to take a nap as soon as Pop got home. I have been sad ever since.

Mom had a rough night. She is hallucinating more and more. Last night I heard her three different times talking to someone. Once she thought she was talking to Connie at Acosta about a promotion file. I promised her Connie already had it and she did not need to worry about work. She was very concerned about it and insisted she needed to get to work. I told her she did not need to go to work today. She softly said thank you and fell back asleep. Another time I walked in and she was talking to American Express about her credit card. She thought she was on the phone with them. I told her Pop had taken care of it and she then turned her head and continued talking to them and let them know Pop had taken care of the bill. So hard to watch her go through this. Around 3am she called out my name and I ran in. She had to use the bathroom. Pop now sleeps with his door closed and mom wanted to get up right then. No time to get Pop to help me and I thought I could handle it. Hardest time we had. She was completely putting all weight on me. I kept yelling for Pop but he could not hear me. Finally get her back in bed and she starts throwing up, I am really yelling for Pop at this point. I finally get her back in bed and open Pops door telling him I need help. He got wet washcloths while I got her medicine. He has promised not to close his door tonight.

I fell asleep on the couch for a couple of hours around 6am. I went to my room around 11am to take a nap. Pop woke me at 2pm. Dana and Gregory were here keeping mom company. Dana has been so sweet to us.

I have decided to not work Thursday this week. I just cant seem to leave this house. Moms toes are turning purple. Her hands and feet are so cold. I do still believe she is sleeping pain free. That is so important to me. It is hard enough to watch what is happening but if I knew she was in pain it would be too much.

Aunt Thelma will be here Wednesday or Thursday. Thank Goodness!!

I have gone back and forth about writing today. I started this blog as a way to let family and friends know updates as well as a way for me to cope. The blog has helped me, I do find I write often and especially when I am struggling. However, the blog has caused a few problems as well. While it is not a problem, someone told my Pop about the blog. I have stated from the beginning I wished for him not to know about it. I have vented about him on here and never would want him to think I was disappointed or upset with him. He does not completely understand what the blog is so at least whoever told him did not tell him how to access it. I do not know who told him but wish it would not have come up. This blog has also caused people to question who I am as a person as well as how I feel about people. Right to the point, some feel I am coming off as a bitch. I should not have to defend myself or my actions but while I try to act as though I do not worry about what others think, it does bother me. I have said from the beginning that no one should judge me or have their feelings hurt by who I have been depending on through this. It does not mean I do not like or love you, I just have those that I have always been close to and should not surprise anyone that those are who I go to. If anything you should just be happy that I do have those who are my rocks and give me strength along with laughter. I am not ready to stop writing this blog but I am coming to close.

One hour at a time......