Not a Grandma

I was sitting in the room with mom watching her sleep when the doorbell rang. I was very happy to find on our front porch Kim!!! Kim is our angel nurse. She grew very attached to mom and our family while Mom had treatment at MoBap. Mom adores her, my Pop loves her, and I just think she is the best nurse I know. She lives near us so has been over to see Mom. Minute I opened the door she asked what was wrong. Told her about the confusion and we went straight back to see her.

Pop came home while Kim was visiting and all of us were in Moms room. Wiggles once again would not leave Moms bed but was demanding attention from Kim. My cat Georgia came in the room and jumped on my lap. Kim made a comment about Georgia and I said something about Georgia and Savannah being Moms grand kitties. Mom started calling Georgia her grand kitty the first day I got her while living in Texas, Mom even mailed her a gift. For Christmas, Mom brought over presents for them. You get the idea. So Kim said to Mom, "you have two grand kitties"

Mom opened her eyes and looked so sad and spoke in this soft voice "No, no no I have no grand kids"
Tears are welling in my eyes and Kim tried to help by saying "Bernice you have Georgia and Savannah. Mom made a grunt laugh and said no. "I want grandchildren and she never gave me any"

I don't know what was said after that. I left the room and sat on the porch crying my eyes out. I hate this. I hate that there is still so much I want her to be a part of. I always knew she wanted to be a grandma. Anyone who knows her, knows that. She would be the best grandma. I just cant believe she said that. I know my Pop thinks its odd that I am 30 and not married. Seems all my friends are married with kids. I had my chance at a time but it was the wrong guy and the wrong time. Now I wonder if I made the right choice by walking away. At this point I could have made her a grandma. The shit that you begin to think about at a time like this.

Kim stayed around and talked to Pop and I awhile. Let Pop know the confusion would grow and the hallucinating would become worse. Not what you want to hear but I knew that.

Pop is already in bed and once again here I am. Monitor right in front of me and just listening to her sleep.

One day at a time....