Lost

Completely lost. Lost in trying to understand how in the hell did we get here. Last night was rough. Very bad night. I went in at midnight to give Mom her medicine and it just turned into a awful night. Not sure I should write everything that happened because I don't want to make family and friends worry more than they already are.

I have had no problems with her taking her pills until last night. Pop has. Placed the pill in her mouth and started to place straw in for her sip of water and she started pushing me away. Would not open her mouth. Would not turn her head. Pop started to try to sit her up which I have told him not to do...1. Because he pushes on her back. 2. Because he is going to hurt himself. Pop and I are both trying to get her to take a sip of water to get that pill down. Then while I know he is just trying he asked if she had to use the bathroom. She had not been all day, no fluids going in plus I understand what her body is doing. Pop does not like this. So luckily I had the nurse have the pharmacy bring the beside toilet yesterday. Between that four poster bed, Mom being weak, Pop not understanding how to assist, and Mom basically just throwing her arms around my neck at the same time trying to lay on the floor, it was 30 minutes of trying to get her on the toilet and then back to bed. She did not have to use the restroom. It was a bad night.

After her last pill at 5am, I decided to lay down till Pop went to his workout. He woke me at 7am and here I am still awake. Mom and I had a rough two hours when he was gone. She had to get up twice to use the restroom. She is becoming ill towards Pop and me. Pushes us away when we try to help but then clings on. I did have her sit in the wheelchair so I could change the sheets. She asked if she could just lay on the floor. I was worried she was going to fall out of the wheelchair. I set a record for the fastest sheet change. As soon as I had her back in bed I called Hospice and told them we could not wait till Wednesday for the hospital bed, we needed it today. Pop came home while I was on the phone. Told him I was having the bed brought in today. Then I set off for the guest bedroom to move furniture and clean out the room. Two hours of sleep, frustrated with what is happening, and trying to move a desk while my side is killing me....my Pop walks in and asks what is for breakfast. I just started crying. Told him to go pick up Bob Evans, he asks if I would call and place the order! Really!!!! Really... sure, let me stop cleaning out the room to make space for the hospital bed and order you breakfast. So I somehow did not cuss him out and started down the hallway to order... then he decides he wants to see the menu, could I pull it up online.

I know I have slept probably a total of five hours in the last three-four days. I know I am stressed, worried, all around a mess. My side is acting up so I know I am crabby. Somehow I did not explode at him, he is turning into this lost almost childlike person. He wants me upstairs all the time, he does not want to be alone.

I am on the fence about calling my boss today. I am NOT comfortable at all with leaving Pop here with mom while I go to work tomorrow. Not even if I do the 3pm-7pm shift. No way could Pop have handled this morning if he was here alone.

New pain medicine is helping but asking nurse for pills that dissolve. Better for Mom.

Pop is heading out to the store now and I am waiting for the call to set up the delivery of the bed. Asked him to bring me back a Starbucks because I am exhausted. Not sure how much more I can take.

One day at a time,..........